Sen Mati

Feeling Inferior to Porn with Partners with Porn Addictions

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Feeling Inferior to Porn with Partners with Porn Addictions

Hello, 

I have a past where the first relationship I ever had and lost my virginity to, became a cheating relationship and on top of that, it was a relationship where he would compare me to porn stars or to porn or to other beautiful girls in general. After that relationship, I realized I would be triggered with anxiety/negativity/insecurities whenever I would see beautiful women in public, in movies, or when I would catch partners liking porn or saving porn on their computers. That resistance only brought about more relationships with guys who had porn addictions and would make me feel crazy for always feeling so shitty whenever I would see porn or movies with sex scenes or even when we would go to some party or public event and there would be beautiful sexy women walking around. No matter how much I portrayed that I didn't like or approve of them checking these women out (especially following them on social media) or saving pornographic photos and videos on their phones and computers and such, they would consistently do it anyway behind my back and it would cause a bunch of conflict in the relationship. 

Lately, I have been trying to learn how to not be triggered by porn. I have a partner with a porn addiction who used to follow and comment on porn star's social media, who saves photos of them onto their phone, who would go to the bathroom to jack off to porn before coming to the room to have sex with me, or who would attempt to watch porn while having sex with me and try to make it so I don't see the screen (literally doing it behind my back). When I would try to look, he would just pretend to shove my head into the pillow. This all has made me have trust issues and just made me wonder what other things he hid behind my back and I am always feeling like I am not good enough compared to the girls in porn. 

I understand resisting this problem keeps bringing it up, so how would one go about not getting triggered by porn anymore? Especially if you want the relationship to work?

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Talk about a rock and a hard place.  I think Honesty goes a long way towards healing wounds and building trust.  ('m just going to think out loud...)  Normally, I feel the easiest answer would be to give him permission to use porn to rub one out every once in a while, but it's a porn addict, I can't help but say, he'll take a mile when your only trying to be ok with an inch.  The Zebra can't change his stripes.    You're  asking for the impossible.   Perhaps, your trying to use this relationship to heal the past relationship.

If I could wave a wand, I'd say open yourself up to infinite possibilities.  Notice the type of guy you're attracted to, and that's the subconscious blue print to stay stuck in a pattern of porn-dudes.  Open yourself up to the possibility to be able to fall for a guy who may not necessarily 'be your type'.

Last thought about the problem...  Teal's completion process will tell you that the problem didn't start with the first boyfriend... it started much earlier in your life than that.  Heal that issue, and you're self will improve.  ...  But one thing I noticed is that you're needing the other person to change their behavior.   What is love?  Isn't it completely accepting the whole person?  Even their shadow side?    With that said, You can't Not feel the way you feel.  Porn is unacceptable to you.   You're partner should be able to explain why porn in unacceptable to themselves to.  Make your decisions accordingly.         

So in conclusion,    A. You can stay the same, but your not going to since you've asked for help and want change.   B. You can do the Healing work with the completion process (and I loved teals book shadows before dawn).   C.  Leave the relationship, and date only guys who share the same views towards porn as you do.  Have a Boundary.  

 

If I can get some feedback from you... was I too harsh? or were my thoughts good enough to make a point?   ... I want to be a better comment person.

 

Charle Bukowski 

oh yes  

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

 

 

 

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I would say most males have a unhealthy sexual energy because they get introduced to porn so young like 8 probably less now days so they think its normal to jack off to porn, so now they wire their brain with that, they think sex really is like that, this exaggerated version of sex and start to believe perfection is a thing, this goes with social media too, we are believing perfection is a thing and now they have the choice to see 1000's of girls having sex with the internet, the brain is such a idiot it believes these one sided relationships like having internet girlfriends or whatever, I know cam girls is a new thing, that's like the evolution of porn. is it normal? fuck no. is it normal in a sick society? yes lol. I think guys have to get themselves out of this the same way we grow up eating shit and sodas and think its normal then we change our diet on our own when we realize we ate like shit all these years, so a guy would have to realize this isn't normal, its not even normal to jack off all the time even though you will see studies that contradict that like lists of benefits of masturbating but no it wastes your energy, and men sexualize women because they connect girl with their ****( down there) and cant have a normal ass conversation without the intimidation or nervousness because you aren't even thinking about sex when you healed your sexual energy you care more about the emotional connection not the orgasm or fantasy. People have to do that on their own though the same way people change their diet on their own, but yeah its possible to fix it and learn tantra and all that good stuff where you don't lose energy and the guy doesn't lose his seed everyday. There is positive and negative in everything so just a naked women's body isn't bad but when we attach the unhealthy sexual energy its distorts it and becomes porn, the healthy version of that would be like artsy nudity with no sexual energy just a naked body. I know some foreign movies are like pornos they are movies but show the sex like a porno but they are actors, maybe try those for him? I'm just trying to find other option to change the unhealthy sexual energy. La Vie d'Adèle is movie like that, blue is the warmest color in English, there's others, see if movies like that trigger you too. your instinct about it being not good is accurate.

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5 hours ago, Alex7 said:

I would say most males have a unhealthy sexual energy because they get introduced to porn so young like 8 probably less now days so they think its normal to jack off to porn, so now they wire their brain with that, they think sex really is like that, this exaggerated version of sex and start to believe perfection is a thing, this goes with social media too, we are believing perfection is a thing and now they have the choice to see 1000's of girls having sex with the internet, the brain is such a idiot it believes these one sided relationships like having internet girlfriends or whatever, I know cam girls is a new thing, that's like the evolution of porn. is it normal? fuck no. is it normal in a sick society? yes lol. I think guys have to get themselves out of this the same way we grow up eating shit and sodas and think its normal then we change our diet on our own when we realize we ate like shit all these years, so a guy would have to realize this isn't normal, its not even normal to jack off all the time even though you will see studies that contradict that like lists of benefits of masturbating but no it wastes your energy, and men sexualize women because they connect girl with their ****( down there) and cant have a normal ass conversation without the intimidation or nervousness because you aren't even thinking about sex when you healed your sexual energy you care more about the emotional connection not the orgasm or fantasy. People have to do that on their own though the same way people change their diet on their own, but yeah its possible to fix it and learn tantra and all that good stuff where you don't lose energy and the guy doesn't lose his seed everyday. There is positive and negative in everything so just a naked women's body isn't bad but when we attach the unhealthy sexual energy its distorts it and becomes porn, the healthy version of that would be like artsy nudity with no sexual energy just a naked body. I know some foreign movies are like pornos they are movies but show the sex like a porno but they are actors, maybe try those for him? I'm just trying to find other option to change the unhealthy sexual energy. La Vie d'Adèle is movie like that, blue is the warmest color in English, there's others, see if movies like that trigger you too. your instinct about it being not good is accurate.

Thank you Alex. I'd say anything triggers me pretty much because I sorta get this feeling of "oh, that boner or that sexual energy hes getting suddenly is from that woman and her body on the screen, and not mine." He actually does connect with me VERY well emotionally and never fails to tell me I'm beautiful constantly and does have many times where he tells/shows me he can't keep his eyes off me when we're together, and most of the time I feel like it's all in my head when I suddenly get overwhelmed with jealousy when another hot chick passes by or when we do watch any movies with nudity. I'll see his eyes follow the women I can see coming in the distance and my mind jumps to all sorts of conclusions and feelings of insecurities. But to tell someone "don't check out women like that" it telling someone to go blind. THAT'S the aspect of myself I want to heal. I want to stop avoiding this events or movies that will trigger me (Halloween is a huge trigger for me cause everyone dresses half naked, and I am always making sure wherever we go on Halloween its a place thats not as popular so we are bound not to run into all those types of people, and then I also feel compelled to dress the exact same way they do to make sure the attention stays on me). I recognize porn addiction IS an issue and I recognize he should probably realize it isn't normal, and when I try to explain the idea behind that he gets defensive and feels like I begin to police him and feels judged and I basically push him away once I try to explain the hurt it brings me/ to people in relationships. 

I feel like sometimes the amount of jealousy I get isn't normal compared to most girls, and I feel like its a self love problem, and would like to know if it IS really a self love problem, and if I fixed it, if that trigger would go away and if I wouldn't be phased be other beautiful or other naked women. And it's really funny, the more I resist, the more I end up manifesting myself in situations where tons of these women enter my life. Funny enough, I found myself loving a form of art that many woman who trigger this in me do as a passion: pole dance/pole sport. I feel like the universe is telling me to allow this feeling inside of me and to learn to deal with it instead of run away from it. Theres many other things in our relationship that I love that I dont want to give up on too. Its a relationship that matters to me and we both love eachother very much to just abandon eachother over our conflicting boundaries.

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He is also an artist and loves the female body as an art form. He has lots of art books or artwork on his walls with voluptuous women, and as an artist myself, I'm not gonna give him beef for that, cause I get it. We are constantly studying the human figure as artists for our professions. But, what does kill me, is that I'll even compare myself to the art and tell myself "my boobs aren't that big, my butt isnt that big, i don't look like that" which is where I start to get really sad frustrated and depressed with myself. I've seen the porn stars he would follow on the internet in the past (which we both agreed kinda sucks, cause once I mirrored him and followed attractive male models online, he got triggered too) I would compare myself to those women and would see what I would lack. And if women in public looked anything like these people, I would feel super threatened and triggered. I feel like no matter who I date, this will constantly be a battle going on within me. The relationship I had before him never gave me any reason to feel triggered to this stuff, but I did anyway. I would get heavily triggered if he wanted to see a movie with tons of objectification or sex scenes and I would take my anger and frustration out on him, and I noticed I keep doing that. I realize it's not always the men doing anything intentionally to hurt me, and its just something inside of me that hasn't been healed.

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On 04/08/2017 at 11:55 AM, Sen Mati said:

Feeling Inferior to Porn with Partners with Porn Addictions

Hello, 

I have a past where the first relationship I ever had and lost my virginity to, became a cheating relationship and on top of that, it was a relationship where he would compare me to porn stars or to porn or to other beautiful girls in general. After that relationship, I realized I would be triggered with anxiety/negativity/insecurities whenever I would see beautiful women in public, in movies, or when I would catch partners liking porn or saving porn on their computers. That resistance only brought about more relationships with guys who had porn addictions and would make me feel crazy for always feeling so shitty whenever I would see porn or movies with sex scenes or even when we would go to some party or public event and there would be beautiful sexy women walking around. No matter how much I portrayed that I didn't like or approve of them checking these women out (especially following them on social media) or saving pornographic photos and videos on their phones and computers and such, they would consistently do it anyway behind my back and it would cause a bunch of conflict in the relationship. 

Lately, I have been trying to learn how to not be triggered by porn. I have a partner with a porn addiction who used to follow and comment on porn star's social media, who saves photos of them onto their phone, who would go to the bathroom to jack off to porn before coming to the room to have sex with me, or who would attempt to watch porn while having sex with me and try to make it so I don't see the screen (literally doing it behind my back). When I would try to look, he would just pretend to shove my head into the pillow. This all has made me have trust issues and just made me wonder what other things he hid behind my back and I am always feeling like I am not good enough compared to the girls in porn. 

I understand resisting this problem keeps bringing it up, so how would one go about not getting triggered by porn anymore? Especially if you want the relationship to work?

I believe porn can be a stimulus in between sexual encounters, like when the partner isn't available a fantasy and need for masturbation are brought up... whatever fantasy or need that entails can serve the wanting. I think most porn is unhealthy in terms of being unrealistic but if it can serve as a useful stimulus we all have our gratification to abide by. When my partner isn't around I use porn on those lonely off days to settle a need or desire. To say I'm comparing her or hoping for something different isn't true I just use it as a surrogate. I'm not sure if I've helped answer any of your questions but I also include my partner in what I'm viewing and ask her what she likes and doesn't like and just feedback in general. 

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14 hours ago, Sen Mati said:

Thank you Alex. I'd say anything triggers me pretty much because I sorta get this feeling of "oh, that boner or that sexual energy hes getting suddenly is from that woman and her body on the screen, and not mine." He actually does connect with me VERY well emotionally and never fails to tell me I'm beautiful constantly and does have many times where he tells/shows me he can't keep his eyes off me when we're together, and most of the time I feel like it's all in my head when I suddenly get overwhelmed with jealousy when another hot chick passes by or when we do watch any movies with nudity. I'll see his eyes follow the women I can see coming in the distance and my mind jumps to all sorts of conclusions and feelings of insecurities. But to tell someone "don't check out women like that" it telling someone to go blind. THAT'S the aspect of myself I want to heal. I want to stop avoiding this events or movies that will trigger me (Halloween is a huge trigger for me cause everyone dresses half naked, and I am always making sure wherever we go on Halloween its a place thats not as popular so we are bound not to run into all those types of people, and then I also feel compelled to dress the exact same way they do to make sure the attention stays on me). I recognize porn addiction IS an issue and I recognize he should probably realize it isn't normal, and when I try to explain the idea behind that he gets defensive and feels like I begin to police him and feels judged and I basically push him away once I try to explain the hurt it brings me/ to people in relationships. 

I feel like sometimes the amount of jealousy I get isn't normal compared to most girls, and I feel like its a self love problem, and would like to know if it IS really a self love problem, and if I fixed it, if that trigger would go away and if I wouldn't be phased be other beautiful or other naked women. And it's really funny, the more I resist, the more I end up manifesting myself in situations where tons of these women enter my life. Funny enough, I found myself loving a form of art that many woman who trigger this in me do as a passion: pole dance/pole sport. I feel like the universe is telling me to allow this feeling inside of me and to learn to deal with it instead of run away from it. Theres many other things in our relationship that I love that I dont want to give up on too. Its a relationship that matters to me and we both love eachother very much to just abandon eachother over our conflicting boundaries.

I understand. We really aren't attracted to a Individual person but the traits of the person and those traits exist in everyone so you would have to find a new person I guess that doesn't have the unwillingness to change. its not even to change for you but it's not normal or healthy, yes women are beautiful that's normal, but he probably thinks I want to have sex with all of them then you can pick up on that when he's with you when he's thinking of someone else while you to are together. you are attracted to this type of person for a reason so there is always something to learn about this relationship but if the pattern is the same the next one will be the same, We are already whole but we find traits in people that are suppressed in us and we think we need this other person because we think we don't have those same traits in us, but we do. So from my perspective yes women are beautiful, they are pieces of art, and the naked women's body is probably the most beautiful thing there is, but the difference from really loving someone is the internal core essence, because when you love someone at their core you will love all aspects of that person, when they gain weight and have kids and her body changes, the women's body is different than a males and when we have this bullshit perfection belief going on the guy will have this delusion that the women's body should be a certain way and make comments like 'you are getting fat' or things like this when its normal. If someone cant see someone at their core then they will have this thing in them that will leave a person when the looks fade and body changes when the kids come and boobs change and everything else. Also women have a different vibe then men if you can feel energy, its nice, you cant put it in words but its a noticeable feeling, for me at least and we can fall In love with that feeling more so than the body, and if we love them at their core we will always love the body. Also try not to compare yourself to anyone, compare yourself to your future self if anything, but you can have your own best version but your body type isn't better or worse its just you and you can improve you, you cant change anyone else. If he loves your core that's cool, but yes women are beautiful but he porn part isn't healthy, there is a healthy way to see women and not sexualize them, its like being able to see any women naked but seeing beauty rather then I want to fuck, if that makes sense. if the sexual energy is before the heart, then yeah its unhealthy energy, also you get the other person energy too.

this reminds me of the movie Frida, he was a artist and saw the beauty in all women but was a cheater, Diego Rivera. I'm not saying he's a cheater but that's what it reminded me of. there is a healthy and unhealthy way of seeing women, but if he is still watching porn its not healthy doesn't matter if he is an artist.

Edited by Alex7
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On 8/5/2017 at 10:44 AM, Alex7 said:

I understand. We really aren't attracted to a Individual person but the traits of the person and those traits exist in everyone so you would have to find a new person I guess that doesn't have the unwillingness to change. its not even to change for you but it's not normal or healthy, yes women are beautiful that's normal, but he probably thinks I want to have sex with all of them then you can pick up on that when he's with you when he's thinking of someone else while you to are together. you are attracted to this type of person for a reason so there is always something to learn about this relationship but if the pattern is the same the next one will be the same, We are already whole but we find traits in people that are suppressed in us and we think we need this other person because we think we don't have those same traits in us, but we do. So from my perspective yes women are beautiful, they are pieces of art, and the naked women's body is probably the most beautiful thing there is, but the difference from really loving someone is the internal core essence, because when you love someone at their core you will love all aspects of that person, when they gain weight and have kids and her body changes, the women's body is different than a males and when we have this bullshit perfection belief going on the guy will have this delusion that the women's body should be a certain way and make comments like 'you are getting fat' or things like this when its normal. If someone cant see someone at their core then they will have this thing in them that will leave a person when the looks fade and body changes when the kids come and boobs change and everything else. Also women have a different vibe then men if you can feel energy, its nice, you cant put it in words but its a noticeable feeling, for me at least and we can fall In love with that feeling more so than the body, and if we love them at their core we will always love the body. Also try not to compare yourself to anyone, compare yourself to your future self if anything, but you can have your own best version but your body type isn't better or worse its just you and you can improve you, you cant change anyone else. If he loves your core that's cool, but yes women are beautiful but he porn part isn't healthy, there is a healthy way to see women and not sexualize them, its like being able to see any women naked but seeing beauty rather then I want to fuck, if that makes sense. if the sexual energy is before the heart, then yeah its unhealthy energy, also you get the other person energy too.

this reminds me of the movie Frida, he was a artist and saw the beauty in all women but was a cheater, Diego Rivera. I'm not saying he's a cheater but that's what it reminded me of. there is a healthy and unhealthy way of seeing women, but if he is still watching porn its not healthy doesn't matter if he is an artist.

He has had a past of cheating too which is why most of it concerns me in this particular relationship, and we've had boundary issues on social media in the past which we've resolved but was always hell to go through with eachother cause I had to just mirror his actions every time until he understood what it feels like to see your partner liking and commenting certain things on other women's pictures (either porn stars or models). He hasn't been unfaithful with me other than that boundary issue, so I don't like to give crap to someone about their past and assume/accuse them of things they didn't do based on their past. I realized those were unhealthy relationships and I understand he's grown up way past that. That is pretty much the biggest issue I do have with porn though,  I agree. It turns every encounter or every sight of a woman into something sexual. It creates a fear within me that whenever I see an exchange of words between men I date and another woman, I am constantly questioning whether they are objectifying their body in their mind. 

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7 hours ago, Neptune said:

I don't fund pornographers or watch porn because it negatively affects society this way. It is taking something special and sacred, and exploiting it for profit without caring how it might affect anyone. Also, many people in porn have a bad lifestyle that I don't support.

I don't think it's right to be in a relationship with someone and also watch porn. That's abusing sex for personal satisfaction and it blocks you off from other aspects of yourself like compassion and empathy. It blocks you off from reality. Porn is objectification of people through sex instead of a glorification of life and creation and the other person. In reality, sex is for creation. A persons needs parental attention for 18 years before feeling truly independent, sometimes longer. That requires a bond and a lasting rekationship. Porno aint for having children. It's for money, and it acts to destroy the common family, knowingly or not.

I don't blame you for the way you feel. I don't think you need to change anything or do some process to make yourself okay with your partner watching porn and funding that crap. Makes me angry what happened to you. Some people are beyond redemption if they don't change, in my eyes. I can only hope you imagine yourself with someone special who feels the same as you do, not with someone who lacks basic respect for the other person and thier feelings. Don't go out of your way for that guy or any guy who would do that. 

It's people like you that make me feel not crazy and make me feel so much better. I have urges to tell him this and tell him it isnt normal, and when I do try to mention it at all without attacking him directly, he gets angry and has this sense like I'm lecturing him like some mother figure, and then I feel like I'm pushing him away because I don't agree with something he likes to do. He'll explain to me that porn isn't about the people in it and what they look like, he explains that for him its about the act of it, but in the past when I used to see him follow porn stars on social media and he used to like and comment on their stuff as if they were his favorite celebrities, all that kinda contradicted his justification. 

The only hard part out of all this is that the rest of our relationship is something we both hold dearly. We've been seperated for several months and we both realized we missed eachother terribly and all the good times we have together. Whenever I hear people telling me to basically find someone else who can be on the same page with me about this problem, it kinda hurts cause even though its an anxiety I have to deal with every now and then, I still love the man and all his other qualities and he does treat me like a princess. I do feel genuinely loved in our relationship. This porn issue is basically a bigger issue to me than it is to him. 

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as children we weren't mirrored. barely any child was able to have or express sexual feelings when tey were young. mirroring is important because if u don't get it then u reject an aspect of self. for instance a child says to their mom 'I don't want to eat that now', but the mom forces the child to. then that child's assertion was not mirrored. this goes with sexuality as well. maybe there were times when his parents told him not to look at naked people or certain scenes in movies. but deep down he knows he couldn't just say to his parents ' I feel sexual' because his parents wouldn't have a clue how  mirror. so then if its not mirrored his sexual aspect is not owned, hes rejected his sexuality. why? because he goes on porn, and porn is done quietly , where no one else can see u masturbate , so ur hiding ur own sexual feelings. sex is a natural thing like laughter where u want to merge with someone because u see urself in them. I doubt he is connected emotionally to u because he doesn't realise he is u, he still does things from a point of separation, from a point of 'I', and when there is an 'I' there has to be 'Other', meaning not you so no connection, hurt, and separation. I mean in porn, they don't connect emotionally, its meatsacks rubbing against each other, take take takefor a temporary high. the souls have forgotten what it means to love and merge as one.

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On 8/10/2017 at 2:20 PM, Damon is Awesome said:

as children we weren't mirrored. barely any child was able to have or express sexual feelings when tey were young. mirroring is important because if u don't get it then u reject an aspect of self. for instance a child says to their mom 'I don't want to eat that now', but the mom forces the child to. then that child's assertion was not mirrored. this goes with sexuality as well. maybe there were times when his parents told him not to look at naked people or certain scenes in movies. but deep down he knows he couldn't just say to his parents ' I feel sexual' because his parents wouldn't have a clue how  mirror. so then if its not mirrored his sexual aspect is not owned, hes rejected his sexuality. why? because he goes on porn, and porn is done quietly , where no one else can see u masturbate , so ur hiding ur own sexual feelings. sex is a natural thing like laughter where u want to merge with someone because u see urself in them. I doubt he is connected emotionally to u because he doesn't realise he is u, he still does things from a point of separation, from a point of 'I', and when there is an 'I' there has to be 'Other', meaning not you so no connection, hurt, and separation. I mean in porn, they don't connect emotionally, its meatsacks rubbing against each other, take take takefor a temporary high. the souls have forgotten what it means to love and merge as one.

I've been trying to understand the reason for his actions and HIS inner child from all this as well, so this makes a very interesting point. It's only complicated once I'm trying to expand on it and he isn't. The whole question of what feels "right" or "wrong" comes into play and I ask myself, "am I wrong for feeling negatively about his wants/desires of porn?" or  "is he right in desiring porn and if someone desires that, should i get in their way of their desires since this is a life where we try to manifest what we want?" I dont want to be that person who prevents someone what their heart desires most. Most guys who have this problem with their girlfriend end up cheating on them with a girl whos more promiscuous and whos in touch with exploring sexuality (from experience at least with the men i've known), so on one hand I fear him leaving me for someone whos more open to sexual stuff like that. In a way I guess I feel inferior or like I should be like those women who are so comfortable with porn/strip clubs and everything. They straight up intimidate me especially cause ive heard multiple men wish they had a girlfriend like that. 

A part of me wishes for more self love so I don't have feelings of jealousy, but another part of me wishes most men didn't do this stuff or at least try to understand where the girl is coming from. Most don't until i mirror their actions and give them a taste of what they are doing, then they get jealous and mad at me for looking at other men sexually and when I tell them well thats exactly what youre doing, so it doesnt feel so good does it? Then they go "youre doing this to get back at me? you have a serious problem. thats psychotic." and then they shame me and tell me I'm crazy and that I shouldn't "police" people for things they like. 

 

Sorry, that was a pure rant this time lol but when I get in touch with the side that hurts, this is what comes out. 

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On 8/4/2017 at 11:38 PM, Sen Mati said:

 

He is also an artist and loves the female body as an art form. He has lots of art books or artwork on his walls with voluptuous women, and as an artist myself, I'm not gonna give him beef for that, cause I get it

 

Around 7-8th grade I was reading a book . Don't remember the exact title of it. There was a page where the main character is looking at a young woman by the lake. She was sitting with her head down and he could only see a small part of her back. At some point the wind moved her hair to the side uncovering her neck. As she moved her dress slid a little bit but just enough for him to see her shoulder . He couldn't take his eyes of what he saw and the description of the scene was so beautiful and was written like the author  had only one breath of air left that I re-read this page numerous times over and over again. I would do it again if I had the book. That's how pure that was. Innocent , yet leaves you with enough room for imagination . 

You don't get this with porn. That's why it is never enough .  As an artist it is strange to me that he doesn't see that.

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4 hours ago, Sen Mati said:

I've been trying to understand the reason for his actions and HIS inner child from all this as well, so this makes a very interesting point. It's only complicated once I'm trying to expand on it and he isn't. The whole question of what feels "right" or "wrong" comes into play and I ask myself, "am I wrong for feeling negatively about his wants/desires of porn?" or  "is he right in desiring porn and if someone desires that, should i get in their way of their desires since this is a life where we try to manifest what we want?" I dont want to be that person who prevents someone what their heart desires most. Most guys who have this problem with their girlfriend end up cheating on them with a girl whos more promiscuous and whos in touch with exploring sexuality (from experience at least with the men i've known), so on one hand I fear him leaving me for someone whos more open to sexual stuff like that. In a way I guess I feel inferior or like I should be like those women who are so comfortable with porn/strip clubs and everything. They straight up intimidate me especially cause ive heard multiple men wish they had a girlfriend like that. 

A part of me wishes for more self love so I don't have feelings of jealousy, but another part of me wishes most men didn't do this stuff or at least try to understand where the girl is coming from. Most don't until i mirror their actions and give them a taste of what they are doing, then they get jealous and mad at me for looking at other men sexually and when I tell them well thats exactly what youre doing, so it doesnt feel so good does it? Then they go "youre doing this to get back at me? you have a serious problem. thats psychotic." and then they shame me and tell me I'm crazy and that I shouldn't "police" people for things they like. 

 

Sorry, that was a pure rant this time lol but when I get in touch with the side that hurts, this is what comes out. 

That's completely ok and valid to feel hurt because it does hurt. Believe me, as someone who's recovered from this and tapped into my own sexuality, no mans heart desires to Being locked onto a screen watching a fake fantasy between women which took a month to film and edit. Manifestations aren't because we chose earth as a holiday where we could be millionaires, we came here because it serves the greatest expansion of all which is self actualisations, that's what's manifestations are so we/the universe can see what vibrations we are holding and who we are. Instead of the concept of right and wrong, ask why he is drawn to this from him, ask why he watches it, he might say because it makes me feel good, ask why it makes him feel good, what's about it, then keep asking why until u find a core answer. Andy do this for yourself, for instance, the part which does not want u to stop him doing it even though it hurts, ask why, for example after several why's being asked maybe it is because of a fear abandonment /no more "love" from him or fear of asserting boundaries etc. Watch teals videos "morality vs conscience,",  "intuition the inner voice " and "integrity". Practising these will get u in touch with ur own truths, desires, needs, boundaries, what is right for u in a relationship. For instance when asking him continuously why, tell him there are sexual practice so like tantra where u can connect on such a deeper higher level that is more satisfying, to connect during sex having heart orgasms, for example, where u can feel the energy inside the other person etc.  

 

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On 9/7/2017 at 3:43 PM, Garnet said:

Around 7-8th grade I was reading a book . Don't remember the exact title of it. There was a page where the main character is looking at a young woman by the lake. She was sitting with her head down and he could only see a small part of her back. At some point the wind moved her hair to the side uncovering her neck. As she moved her dress slid a little bit but just enough for him to see her shoulder . He couldn't take his eyes of what he saw and the description of the scene was so beautiful and was written like the author  had only one breath of air left that I re-read this page numerous times over and over again. I would do it again if I had the book. That's how pure that was. Innocent , yet leaves you with enough room for imagination . 

You don't get this with porn. That's why it is never enough .  As an artist it is strange to me that he doesn't see that.

He claims he does and that is his reasoning for sexualizing everything I guess? Men claim nowadays that they appreciate the female body but it always becomes to the extent where they wanna just have sex with all of the female bodies. (I'm talking about men that I've met that act in similar ways, not all men of course***). So when he does keep art or draw art or look up art of women, its always very lustful looking (mostly nude with like lingerie or something seductive about it) women implying some sexual fantasy. There's a line being blurred somewhere. 

(Thank you by the way to everyone not making me feel completely crazy about my feelings on all this. I've been told over and over that it's wrong and judgemental to look at things this way and its frustrating cause I can't align with it.) 

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21 hours ago, Damon is Awesome said:

That's completely ok and valid to feel hurt because it does hurt. Believe me, as someone who's recovered from this and tapped into my own sexuality, no mans heart desires to Being locked onto a screen watching a fake fantasy between women which took a month to film and edit. Manifestations aren't because we chose earth as a holiday where we could be millionaires, we came here because it serves the greatest expansion of all which is self actualisations, that's what's manifestations are so we/the universe can see what vibrations we are holding and who we are. Instead of the concept of right and wrong, ask why he is drawn to this from him, ask why he watches it, he might say because it makes me feel good, ask why it makes him feel good, what's about it, then keep asking why until u find a core answer. Andy do this for yourself, for instance, the part which does not want u to stop him doing it even though it hurts, ask why, for example after several why's being asked maybe it is because of a fear abandonment /no more "love" from him or fear of asserting boundaries etc. Watch teals videos "morality vs conscience,",  "intuition the inner voice " and "integrity". Practising these will get u in touch with ur own truths, desires, needs, boundaries, what is right for u in a relationship. For instance when asking him continuously why, tell him there are sexual practice so like tantra where u can connect on such a deeper higher level that is more satisfying, to connect during sex having heart orgasms, for example, where u can feel the energy inside the other person etc.  

 

I will definitely rewatch those, thank you. <3 

I guess the struggle lies where I do try to figure this stuff out with him or figure out his shadow. He kind of mocks me when I start to get all "shadow working" on him (he also knows I love Teal Swan, so when I do, he goes 'what are you Teal Swan now?' instead of really hearing me out). It becomes like some sort of pressure and then he gets into a state where he feels like he's being oppressed and controlled/shamed. And then he distances himself or lashes out in anger (which then triggers me because when people raise their voice AT me, I panic and I completely shut down). So yea, I guess I end up breaking some of my own boundaries in fear of abandonment or pushing them away. 

As a whole, I want to know why I keep being a vibrational match to men who all have these similar patterns. Is it the universe's way of telling me that I got to work on this part of me that perpetuates a self hate relationship with myself? I noticed when I step away from these men, I connect more with women (which I hardly do or hardly have for a very long time). Now I'm growing into a space where instead of being judgemental and jealous/negative of women all the time, I'm growing a love for every one I that I meet. Once I pull myself back into the relationship, I become intimidated by them and jealous of all of them all over again. It's confusing. 

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