twisted love

am i wrong to be upset at my boyfriend for not lending me money?

10 posts in this topic

so my bf and i are both in college....i have trouble finding a place to live each year...not necessarily because of money...  Anyways...i am under alot of stress, i am taking 5 classes this semster, and feel behind in my classes, struggling with school and dealing with alot of  serious personal issues like self harm for example,  and on top of all  that i have to have to find a place to live next year. i asked my bf to help me find some places to live. call some  numbers that were adveristised for rent . but he never helps and said thats my job. and i no it is my job, it's not his job. but i am under alot of stress right now and he is not enrolled in school this semester and only works part time at a pretty laid back job...so i felt he had more time then me to look for housing for me. so i stayed up all night posting ads and sending e-mails to find a place to live for next year. and i got a e-mail from one of the ads saying they can accodmate me but they want a deposit within two days or they may give my spot away. in my bank account i was about $100 short of the deposit price....and i no i should have asked my parents for money...but they live in a diffrent city and i thought if they deposited money in my bank account i wouldn't get it in time(two days) so i asked my bf to borrow $100......

but he was super heistant and said no then maybe, then he doesn't really like to lend money....and it's alot. idk...i no i shouldn't feel like it's my right or he HAS TO give me his money. i no it's his money so it's his choice. i didn't get mad or fight. but i got really sad.....i mean i only wanted money for my rent not for something unnescary like jewlary or something. but also we have been dating for like a year and a half.......so i feel like u should trust ur partner with money and help/support them when ur in a "serious long term realtionship" i mean it was only $100 for rent.

 

i do feel like he should have helped me and given me the money.....but i also feel like money is a touchy topic and i have no right to have any say over somebody elses money? was it wrong for me to be upset with him over this? if u were in this situation with ur partner....would u lend them the money or not?

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I'd have loaned you the money. 

How serious are you, if you're not willing to work together toward your mutual goals?

Maybe he just didn't have the money, but dint wanna look bad to you?

 

If you're certain he had the money, here's an idea: Tell him to touch a damn dick! 

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I agree, this demonstrates a serious lack of willingness on his part to work together with you. You said it best.

It's actually bloody awful of him. It makes me sad too, just thinking about it.

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Hi @twisted love. I'm not sure what you're taking in school but I've been researching sites about artist residencies lately. It's a broad category, but it may be something cool to look into as far as what's available for scholarships, grants, awards and such. I have a writers' portfolio, so that's been challenging to research (dance and art are more prevalent since you can see those things in person, and communities kind of like that more for funding) but they're out there. 

Fractured Atlas

Artist Communities

ResArtis

Top 20 Artist Residencies

These are just a few, they may not help either of us immediately, but the funds are out there. I just had a friend recommend it to me. 

54 minutes ago, twisted love said:

but he was super heistant and said no then maybe, then he doesn't really like to lend money....and it's alot.

If you're upset, then you're upset, and it's alright to feel that way. I hate asking for anything, especially money since I've always gotten that hesitance as response no matter what it's been in relationships of the past. Going someplace, doing something. What have you. It depends on how long you've been dating really. If it's been (for me) longer than 6 months or so, and they know how you work, and you really need help, and they can offer the help instead of watching you go down in flames or worry about it without providing other support like a helpful solution, they're just adding to the burden. I'm pro you at this point. If someone makes a big deal over $100, then what if something else bigger happened? If a small thing is a big thing, then a BIG thing is a disaster, and needlessly. 

I've been starting up my own electronic band, and book series this year, it's been an all funds back into living type sitch. But the super fun will come when I just have a ton of built up abundance because I busted my spirit getting in this zone, and living my dreams, and I can just give the damn money. I want to date someone who just gives me what I need. For me, I'd be like 'Take me to a rad dinner, and spare no expense on the wine.' It would become a fun transaction. 

Also, if you are focusing on the lack (believe me I know, I was homeless for periods this year, and last), you just pull lack out of people whether they want to help you, or can help you or not. It sucks. That's my 2 cents. I'd have given you the damn money in a heartbeat, then helped you research then etc. :) 

I hope I'm not preaching (probably am preaching) but it's all for naught if money's the only damn thing we ALL worry about. I know I'm over it. Much love. 

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I would be very upset if i had to pay back to my partner. 

What's mine is mine. What's his is also mine. I mean ours :D

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@mufhry idk.....he used to be sweet and super caring. but i guesse our realtionship has been falling apart. my life sucks...i have no friends, a shitty family and a weak sense of identity and how to be  happy by myself. he was the first thing that made me happy in years....and i guess i'm afriad  to let him go cuz my life would be so empty without him. 

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if you self harm, youre likely doing it in more than one way.  you got a boyfriend who doesnt meet your needs. i, personally, never ask anyone for money but thats just me.  Id rather sell my things than be loaned anything.  which I have done.  but thats just me.  you are you.  youre never wrong in what you feel but now its telling you something about him.  are you going to complain about this and hang it over his head that a bunch of people agree that you have the right to be mad?  or are you going to accept that he is different from you?

also dont take five fucking classes if you dont know how to cope with stress! lol

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19 hours ago, twisted love said:

he used to be sweet and super caring. but i guesse our realtionship has been falling apart. my life sucks...i have no friends, a shitty family and a weak sense of identity and how to be  happy by myself. he was the first thing that made me happy in years....and i guess i'm afriad  to let him go cuz my life would be so empty without him. 

Something someone told me that I tell myself every time I find I am on a negative downward spiral.

What if Im okay with things not going well? How much freer would I be, because I would no longer be under the illusion that Who I Am is What You Think of Me. When you can fall in love with not knowing what is going to happen and you can listen to that voice inside of you, you will be totally free. 

Our minds are brilliant they are always creating, when we are not steering our own ship it is creating chaos. 

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On 21 June 2016 at 0:57 AM, twisted love said:

so my bf and i are both in college....i have trouble finding a place to live each year...not necessarily because of money...  Anyways...i am under alot of stress, i am taking 5 classes this semster, and feel behind in my classes, struggling with school and dealing with alot of  serious personal issues like self harm for example,  and on top of all  that i have to have to find a place to live next year. i asked my bf to help me find some places to live. call some  numbers that were adveristised for rent . but he never helps and said thats my job. and i no it is my job, it's not his job. but i am under alot of stress right now and he is not enrolled in school this semester and only works part time at a pretty laid back job...so i felt he had more time then me to look for housing for me. so i stayed up all night posting ads and sending e-mails to find a place to live for next year. and i got a e-mail from one of the ads saying they can accodmate me but they want a deposit within two days or they may give my spot away. in my bank account i was about $100 short of the deposit price....and i no i should have asked my parents for money...but they live in a diffrent city and i thought if they deposited money in my bank account i wouldn't get it in time(two days) so i asked my bf to borrow $100......

but he was super heistant and said no then maybe, then he doesn't really like to lend money....and it's alot. idk...i no i shouldn't feel like it's my right or he HAS TO give me his money. i no it's his money so it's his choice. i didn't get mad or fight. but i got really sad.....i mean i only wanted money for my rent not for something unnescary like jewlary or something. but also we have been dating for like a year and a half.......so i feel like u should trust ur partner with money and help/support them when ur in a "serious long term realtionship" i mean it was only $100 for rent.

 

i do feel like he should have helped me and given me the money.....but i also feel like money is a touchy topic and i have no right to have any say over somebody elses money? was it wrong for me to be upset with him over this? if u were in this situation with ur partner....would u lend them the money or not?

The problem with lending money is, once you have given it away it's your job to get it back. Some people give it back without having to ask. Some don't. Anyway. On the side of the lender, my side it feels like I do the other person a favour. And I expect some kind of gratitude. But usually the borrower seems to pay no mind to paying the money back asap. I feel like I have to ask them a favor now to get the money back that I originally gave to them.

 

And yes I have tried this with my gf. And yes this was also the reason we broke up over. I actually went further than just borrowing money to her. I actually gifted her some money without making a big deal out of it. Of course expecting it to be no big deal to geht the remainder back. FYI it was ca. 8 Eurs only.

Some argument I heard from her was. It's just 5 Euros, what is the big deal? Right. If it's not a big deal, why haven't you given it back to me when you promised without me having to ask you?

 

Anyway. Depending on your relationship with money you may or may not think it's a big deal. But as far as I know it always is. Because you can count it.

PS: and also, you said he has a laid back job and has more time on his hands while you don't. Also he has money and you don't. Maybe you need to overthink how it comes that even though he is less busy than you, he has more money than you. And still it's you that needs the money. Another question would be, when he gives the money to you, what does he get back in return?

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