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Odile

Can past lovers still be friends ?

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Can past lovers still be friends ?

Hello everyone,

About 10 days ago I broke up with my partner.

I took this decision on a retreat, that I choose to do because I was pregnant and not sure if I wanted to keep the baby or not and if I was capable of being a mother.

Accompagnied by a woman therapist, I could face myself and see more clearly that I was verry unhappy in this relationship.

I questioned the quality of my love and came to the conclusion that it was not the man of my life, with all my heart I could not say that I loved him.

After I took those decisions, and was clear with my choice I felt SO much better. I also had a lot of insights about our relationship dynamic and the one I had with myself.

I feel a lot more confident and happy now.

The first reaction was rejection of him, because I feared to fall back in the previous dynamic.

The last days, because we wanted to cooperate to resolve material problems ( he is still living in my flat which I have him a month to move out), we had a first talk on the phone, and it was good.

He had his hard time, but now he can sees well that we were an unhappy couple and that I am much better now, he accepted my decisions and could see his shadows too.

I was so happy to see we could find common ground so fast !

We have much more respect for each other now that we are just friends. And of course I have 0 intention to have sex with him.

This evening I am going to meet him at a concert.

What do you think about friendship between ex ? Is it wrong ?

 

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I think being friends could be okay but it seems pretty "high vibrational" to me.  That is, both people and a lot of friends around the two involved need to let go of jealousy, regrets, expectations, hurt feelings, lingering desires etc...

if either person is "low vibration" (ie. hurt, jealous, etc.) then I think it's not going to work.

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It's not wrong to be friends with your ex's, but as with any relationship, creating agreed on boundaries is important. Going to a concert together sounds like a nice outing. 

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On 19-7-2017 at 2:20 PM, Odile said:

What do you think about friendship between ex ? Is it wrong ?

Of course not. I still lived with my ex for about a month after we broke up. After that we discovered that living together but trying to live our own lives doesn't go very well together, so she moved out. In retrospect, we both needed to get used to the break up so living together was okay for a bit, but she  ended up living with her parents anyway so things would have been nicer if she moved out a lot earlier. I cannot judge any of your living situations, but don't be afraid to be a little sellfish is you feel like it. It is a shitty situation already and you need to think about yourself.

I didn't want any contact with her for nearly a year after she moved aout, because the breakup had crushed my heart and seeing her, would just make that worse. After that year we got to be friends again and hung out regularly and it was all good, nothing weird to it. I just liked her company less than i did before so we gradually got out of touch. So in conclusion do whatever feels good, but also think about the other; he might still be in love to much and then seeing each other would give him false hope. Best wishes and happy to help with further questions.

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I guess my situation is a bit more complicated.  My ex is now with my best friend.  I introduced them.. not to become lovers of course but  that is where it went.  I am all alone.  I  lost my friend and my partner.  I said i wanted to be friends.. but i am so hurt... so lost... its  been months and i am not getting better i am getting worse.    I do think friends is a good thing though in most cases . 

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On 31-7-2017 at 8:09 AM, wausau50yo said:

I guess my situation is a bit more complicated.  My ex is now with my best friend.  I introduced them.. not to become lovers of course but  that is where it went.  I am all alone.  I  lost my friend and my partner.  I said i wanted to be friends.. but i am so hurt... so lost... its  been months and i am not getting better i am getting worse.    I do think friends is a good thing though in most cases . 

I am sorry to hear that, it sounds like an absolute sucky situation for you. I do remember that Teal made a video on expressing emotions. It is a 4 step process that helps you vent your negative emotions (towards your friend and ex) and will also help to understand the situation from other peoples perspective, which can be very valuable. I don't believe that people do things in general to purposefully hurt somebody else, they are just not aware of the damage that they are causing and that is what this process helps to put to light.
Also, have you been digging into Teal's blogs and video's about the rat cage? It sounds applicable to your situation: removing all the crap that holds you back in life and do whatever you want. Figuring out what I want is one of the hardest thing for me in my life, but since I am doing that I am also at one of the most happiest periods, because nothing else matters :)
in peace

 

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