Ellie

Isolation and being stuck

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Isolation and being stuck

I know it's not a new topic, but... I feel stuck. It’s unbearable to stay alone and impossible to reach out. This emotional isolation is suffocating. I have no clue how to trust people, how to receive love, so recently I’ve just shut myself away from people. In many relationships I was usually the giver, receiving nothing in return. I’ve done some shadow work but reached the point when it’s way too painful. It’s so painful to crave genuine connection and being terrified of it, not believing it’s possible to get it anyway. There’s part of me that even doesn’t want to write this post. Can anyone relate? What do you do when you feel so stuck?

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It sounds like right now the completion process wont help you. I would recommend taking action steps to foster belonging. Isolation is to be completely separate from something else. Belonging, love, and oneness are all to take one in as part of yourself fully. To the point you can't separate from them. I'd suggest looking up Teal's video's titled Instant Belonging and Belonging and How to Belong. Also because belonging is a need I would suggest looking up her most recent video on meeting need and her video on feeling signatures.

However before you I'd like to share with you my own struggle of abandonment (it resonate more personally to me then isolation so I'll be using it for my story). I was always afraid that people would leave me. I mean making a friend isn't that hard or scary. It was the fact I could loss that friend in the blink of an eye. That terrified me and I wouldn't talk to people I had a connection with because you can't abandon me if I leave first. I never had to feel the pain of separation. I had lost my friend twice as a child. Once in first grade when I moved to a new school and against in second grade when I lost my only friend in a school I felt incredibly isolated in, because I moved schools again. Each move left me more isolated and I eventually decided not playing the game meant never feeling the pain of separation. Never feel the loss of a friend.

That lead to several year of being a social butterfly I never even initiated friendships in order to protect myself, and then after years of isolation I decided to try to open up. Needless to say it failed. My first friend I left because I thought other people wouldn't like me, because of him. The next one I lost because we ended up without any of the same classes. The next one didn't like gays (yes I'm gay). One sort of just fizzled out. One broke my trust. Again and again my relationships were broken left and right. I couldn't keep them perfect. Which meant something would eventually happen to destroy them.

Then I moved schools again and this time I meet three people I connected on a deep level with. The first one I convinced myself he hated me so I stopped seeing him (which made him hate me), the next I also said hated me but actually didn't and I had a short relationship with them (they were a senior and left that same year), the final one I decided how I feel isn't how they feel and stayed around when, surprise, I convinced myself they hated me. This was the first time I learned something.

Relationships aren't a permanent thing.

You'll fuck it up. Again and again and again. Nothing you can do can ever change that. You can however try to fix things once it's broken, and that's the most securing thing you can do for relationships. Ensure both parties are dedicated to talking about and finding resolution once a rupture happens in that relationship, and you can be the one to initiate that resolution. Take the first step. Doing this has provided the security that I always sought in relationships, because now I'm not trying to stop the inevitable. I'm making the relationship stronger than the ruptures that have haunted my life. I feel free.

One last thing you should know. Sometimes if you do follow a life of repairing your relationships you'll find you do fail and you can salvage the relationship. When this happens know you gave it your best shot at repair and this one didn't work out. You will fail at some point if you make this a practice, but I can assure you. Once you start this practice you'll see the vast majority of ruptures can be fixed. Even if you can fix them all you'll still have that security in knowing that wont be the only chance you have to have friendship, and while it will hurt to loss them. You'll still feel safe in your ability to find someone else to love and fill their role in your life.

I know life has been unfair until now, but know you do have to power to change these ruptures into lasting friendships, and you wont fear isolation, because you'll have finally overcome it. You'll be free.

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Okay so each of us have our own value system, our own internal guidance system to make us interested in certain things, its our true self. When we put someone above us and have this infatuation with someone we judge ourselves based on their values and stop listening to our own. We are meant to be ourselves completely regardless if people like us or not. When we believe all people will hate us we are living in a delusion because reality is never one sided meaning you will never experience more pain then pleasure, more negative then positive, it will be both. Whatever your value system is nothing is wrong with it, a lot of us just live life based on other peoples value systems, then we change when we fall in love then have to eventually become ourselves again because we were living to please their value system. lol. Its different for everyone but some can have reading as #1 on their values and boyfriend/girlfriend as #4, its not bad its just everyone has a different value system. You can always get connection its just why aren't you allowing it? chances are you only see the negative in you and no positive so you see yourself as not good enough or something like this, when everyone has a different value system completely, like a finger print. I wouldn't judge you based on what you value and I'm not going to change to please your value system. when people judge other people that is what they value, they project their own value onto other people but it has nothing to do with you, we are meant to listen to our own and live life based on our own values. Don't get infatuated with someone and live in a fantasy all people are flawed and have both positive and negative in them, and what you love in them also exists in you, so there's no need for this praise thing going on or hierarchy, we all just have different values and some are more skilled in some areas and you are more skilled in other areas, it all just depends on what is important to you, what you value. a Fantasy and delusion is you thinking a person has all positives and no negatives or all negatives with no positives when it will always be both and people will also see the positives and negatives in you, its normal and nothing is wrong with you, you are probably stuck In this one sided reality of seeing yourself as all negative which is impossible. Balance yourself out write down the positives of connecting with people, write like 200 benefits, to swing the pendulum. you can also do this with negative to balance that out too because not all negatives are bad and not all positives are good. what's the drawbacks on being isolated and write like 200 drawbacks, you can do this with anything that is unbalanced., it doesn't have to be 200 but the more you write the more you are programming your brain to change, its better to write more. hopefully that helps.

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Yes, i know that feeling, too well lately. Many of us are care givers, we identify with and get our needs met by caring for others.  Emotionally but some times physically as well we gravitate to caring professions, health care, counseling etc. We need to learn to identify our needs and ask for help and we need to learn to be good receivers. Thanking people for helping us, accepting help when it's offered, ask yourself , "What do I need?" and "How do I get it?" Learn to accept help when offered. Let others mediate for you. Let those people who see what you do for others ask for help on your behalf. Look around to see who appreciates what you do and realize some people may be trying to express appreciation in ways that you have trouble seeing or accepting. the book Love Languages talks about this in relationships. yes, i think i know just how you feel. Depressing isn't it? Get out into the light, walk, run, explore, do things that are fun! Recognize that these feelings are a sign that you need to do more things for yourself and perhaps more things by yourself. Answering the questions posed above may be much easier in the sun by the lake than shut up in a dark room. Write how you feel and write what you think and then go back and look at that later. It's like seeing yourself on video. Be Blessed, you are a blessing!

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Hey, i can relate a lot. A girlfriend's perspective :

You not willing to write what you wrote is an indication you are an independent woman, knowing her answers herself. 

Now, when it comes to connection and rejection at the same time, you now know you've been hurt, you know you were doing things wrongly, and you wish to make it change. It does happen spontaneously though. You don't need connection at this moment, not with whomever at least, and you know this. 

"Nature is God to woman" said Osho. Try THAT connection. The connection with yourself. Read Osho on women and love, and loneliness, and how women experience it... It totally blew my mind. 

Men should read this too :)) if they try to figure out women, but fail at it again and again

we operate differently, though we have the masculine in us too... 

Best of luck

love

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Thank you so much, all you wonderful people. I must say, it feels a little strange, but at the same time so good to be heard and understood. It’s really difficult to ask for help and opening up is really scary, but I’m learning.

For me, the greatest obstacle is the fear of abandonment which usually takes the form of indifference. It’s not even the physical abandonment that I’m afraid of, but it’s more about the other person not being present, interested or involved in the relationship. Sure, we all have different languages of love and different value systems, and it’s possible that what I perceive as indifference isn’t what I think it is…

Thank you again for your advice and for sharing your stories and feelings – it means the world to me!

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Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. 
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. 

Wouldn't you like to get away? 

Sometimes you want to go 

Where everybody knows your name, 
and they're always glad you came. 
You wanna be where you can see, 
our troubles are all the same 
You wanna be where everybody knows 
Your name. 

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/cheerslyrics.html

 

theme song from Cheers.  Some things are just universal truths.

Edited by Scot
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13 hours ago, Ellie said:

Thank you so much, all you wonderful people. I must say, it feels a little strange, but at the same time so good to be heard and understood. It’s really difficult to ask for help and opening up is really scary, but I’m learning.

For me, the greatest obstacle is the fear of abandonment which usually takes the form of indifference. It’s not even the physical abandonment that I’m afraid of, but it’s more about the other person not being present, interested or involved in the relationship. Sure, we all have different languages of love and different value systems, and it’s possible that what I perceive as indifference isn’t what I think it is…

Thank you again for your advice and for sharing your stories and feelings – it means the world to me!

I understand the feeling of finally meeting people that get you. Your sort of just are wondering when it's all going to blow up in your face, but know everyone on this site has gone though some form of isolation. Teal said she wanted to make this and island of misfit toys were those that never had a place to go can find refuge. If you still feel isolated feel free to use this as a platform for your joy. We'll all understand because everyone here has posted something in there darkest moment, and you deserve that right just like any of us deserve the right to be loved.

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