Mai-da

How do you accomplish the role you have, when you are afraid time is ticking, but you are not mentally spiritually emotionally healthy

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How do you accomplish the role you have, when you are afraid time is ticking, but you are not mentally spiritually emotionally healthy

Hello,

I don't know if anyone has opened similar discussion, it might be included in spiritual developpment section also, or career and stuff, but I chose this section mainly because I am not healthy at the moment. I am just listening to one of Teal's recent interviews and she mentionnes the role we all have on this planet as energy beings, the potential of energy healing.. She sais when we become aware of this capacity, we should be doing that, mentionning also to the interviewer girl that if she gets into a bar for example and having that transmutting energy capacity, she will feel internally very disturbed why she can't do anything in that moment to transform, consciously transmute it, or heal the crowd ... So i have been feeling this way long time, it has troubled me inside very much, was very passionate about it though, but somehow huge lack of confidence, ambition and individuality to make my calling reality... My spiritual teacher at that time didn't also give me support and approval, or at least i felt it as an abbandonment and since then, probably coming from childhood traumas as well, fell into deep depression, causing total sleep deprivation and other type of self harm.... I was considered crazy, went to psychiatric hospital, was given antipsychotics and antidepressants offcourse for some time, 9 months. Still suffering from (fear of) insomnia, pills also had huge side effects, especially making me feel less and numb... Horrible, horrible mistake, i do hate myself for disrupting the connection with god and the depth I had, drinking those pills... I am now very messed up, but still wish to help, otherwise i would kill myself, i am worthless and all that... Point is, I am very much panicked around the role i figured out i had when i was healthy, and the time and ressources left now to heal, and realize making people happy with what i got... I've seen it work, has been grateful, maybe getting too identified with and passionate about it too, but have also been very discouraged... I do know some of my mistakes, now I retreated in a village to try to heal, but i have high self hate, lack of trust, lots of brain, less belief, no real connections, friends, and understanding... So one hand i am very sick, on the other willing to be who I am. I am kind of obsessive probably, and can't awknoledge how regressed i am from pills mostly, but am totally willing to firstly die, than to feel this pain and wait to heal, in which i dont have faith offcourse, in order to retrieve my happiness and go for IT... 

I am 28 ans am nearsighted, think it does mean something.

thank u, i hope i am more or less understood of the sufferings i feel, the state i am in, the fears i live.. though traumas are not familiar to u.. neither to me all probably

sorry for bad english at times

<3

Edited by Majda

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Hi Majda, 

 Remember time is not exist, is the moment you're choosing to be in only.

And who's making these moments to you? Newspapers, TV, doctor because is he's job to help pharmacy industry to sell some pills? Sorry I'm going to say you choosing these moments, sticking them together and stating as your life. 

 My advice to you would be start from detoxification, don't swallow, don't  watch, don't listen, what's not good to you.

Pres the [II] pause button on your thoughts, and watch Teals videos about Self Worth and Self Love . Best wishes

 

 

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12 hours ago, walt said:

You started a thread hoping people will feel sorry for you? Self pity doesn't serve us and it's an obstacle to healing.

Totally true. But can't get out of it. Sympathetic heart, so I am sympathetic towards myself too. This is on a deeper level, am recognizing it myself now.. so tried to understand where it came from. 

Thank you

p.s. i expected understanding for that too though

Edited by Majda

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I feel you.
I'm in kind of a shitstorm myself at the moment. Sometimes solitude weight so much, and i feel like i can't talk to anybody.
I mean, i could, but i expect too much results like being overwhelmed by "get-better" suggestions whithout being really listenned first, or shamed by idiots telling you that you're just trying to get attention and self pity. And other kind of assholes.

I really feel touched reading your thread. It's really hard to "know" what you have to do, and think you have all the tools you need, but just feeling powerless to even lift your arm to reach them.

I hope just one person's sincere understanding will help you a bit.

Love

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6 hours ago, walt said:

These are all symptoms of core issues. Have you considered talking to a professional? Going around in circles is exhausting.

Have visited so many psychologists, useless it turned out to be. They repeat to me how long it takes for therapy meanwhile taking so much money for one session, while i open up to them all scared, angry, confused, mixed up feelings, thoughts and experiences i have and had, and they keep staring at me not able to help and tell me, or remind me right, of what i need at the moment and where to start from...

Psychiatrists listen and receive information shortly, and  prescribe (me) awful pills... I feel these specialists all around the world feel less and less able to help, so they become frustrated and closed themselves. 

Teal helps me a lot, but i need real connection and support. 

I can intellectualise and feel a lot, but in the end i am super depressed, lost, empty, fearful... 

I sometimes get positive thoughts, but my sleep is super disturbed, like nights in a row i am in between somewhere, far from sleeping, sometimes too scared to fall asleep at all, then hopeless and take high doses of Valium for exemple, which i hate... (

Most importantly, i have control issues, but the less you sleep, the more your mind is trying to take control... 

Involving in "crime" might make me feel bit authentic but I believe we women need love first and foremost, to heal. 

...

 

Edited by Majda

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The way the world is set up now doesn't really allow us to be our thriving selves, we have a programed brain with a lot of momentum and we want it to change over night. If you take away all the labels and boxes and I'm sick or whatever. your body is a compass the same way your emotions are it is just reacting to you, but it isn't sick, the shit head doctors are limited and put in a box they don't even add in the diet, emotions, or trauma and of course the blueprint of who you really are, when you are connected to your soul essence you get all of that. Again take away all of the rules of you have to do this and you are supposed to do that, fuck all that stuff, (this is just an example)if your blue print is to travel that is what you have to do, Mine is to express fully and talk about the shit I know to wake people up if they want and still I resistant fully aware of what my blueprint is. We also live in western society where we create these boxes and call it "truth" truth for 3d, but it goes higher. when you are connected to your heart you can feel into people and you can see life from all angles not just 1, even people outside of you are working in boxes and just regurgitating old information when we are constantly learning all the time from life.

I just got to the point that this current society doesn't like my inner child which is my true self, the real me and I'm programming myself and getting out of these boxes that limit me that is attached to a group entity trying to stay alive. I got rid of the spirituality label, It works similar to a religion and I hate religion, its better, but still a religion just with a new model, you got teachers with their own church(not literally) to support their brand or whatever and my inner child is kind of sick of it, I'm like are we not here to evolve, connect people with their fucking hearts and inner children now we have models (attractive people) teaching "spirituality" Meanwhile average looking masters are in India levitating lol, but whatever. I'm currently annoyed with all of it. I'm changing spirituality the label to just mean multidimensional or layers of reality, spirituality makes it seem like faith to me and faith sounds like delusion when this is just how shit works.

Everything is "spiritual" and in this current model we focused our energy on technology and being connected, but in the past we mastered the "spiritual" stuff able to levitate and move stuff with our minds, but we cant really focus on that now in this system, but that exists still, its like any other muscle, we are powerful as fuck Is what I'm saying and some people have the multidimensional blueprint but we will call them schizophrenic, and some are the sensitive deep thinkers but we call them artists, Everyone has a completely different blueprint so never compare and just do your blueprint even if people outside of you don't like you, fuck them. Love the inner child in you (which is the real you) so you don't need love outside of you. People are programed and are limited by the boxes they are in, take away the boxes and labels and you're free, and nothing is wrong with you, this world is just so fucked and spiritually retarded and right now I'm over it lol. I don't give a fuck if you're on drugs, a hooker, homeless, I love you, but I love my inner child more and I choose him first because we are experiencing separation and if I love someone more than me I handed someone over my power, and I'm not doing that, but I do love you. Love your inner child, your blueprint. A bit of a rant, but that's my inner child he fucking loves to talk.

Your not sick your ego is just trying to protect you by projecting this fear so it doesn't experience what it has in the past by a doctor diagnosing your or someone telling you you're different or whatever. We have other bodies besides the physical and the physical reacts just like the emotions and if you are not being your true self your body is reacting to that because we are a soul and when we connect with our soul we get our blueprint back, whatever your blueprint is nothing is wrong with it, so nothing is wrong with you.

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3 hours ago, Alex7 said:

The way the world is set up now doesn't really allow us to be our thriving selves, we have a programed brain with a lot of momentum and we want it to change over night. If you take away all the labels and boxes and I'm sick or whatever. your body is a compass the same way your emotions are it is just reacting to you, but it isn't sick, the shit head doctors are limited and put in a box they don't even add in the diet, emotions, or trauma and of course the blueprint of who you really are, when you are connected to your soul essence you get all of that. Again take away all of the rules of you have to do this and you are supposed to do that, fuck all that stuff, (this is just an example)if your blue print is to travel that is what you have to do, Mine is to express fully and talk about the shit I know to wake people up if they want and still I resistant fully aware of what my blueprint is. We also live in western society where we create these boxes and call it "truth" truth for 3d, but it goes higher. when you are connected to your heart you can feel into people and you can see life from all angles not just 1, even people outside of you are working in boxes and just regurgitating old information when we are constantly learning all the time from life.

I just got to the point that this current society doesn't like my inner child which is my true self, the real me and I'm programming myself and getting out of these boxes that limit me that is attached to a group entity trying to stay alive. I got rid of the spirituality label, It works similar to a religion and I hate religion, its better, but still a religion just with a new model, you got teachers with their own church(not literally) to support their brand or whatever and my inner child is kind of sick of it, I'm like are we not here to evolve, connect people with their fucking hearts and inner children now we have models (attractive people) teaching "spirituality" Meanwhile average looking masters are in India levitating lol, but whatever. I'm currently annoyed with all of it. I'm changing spirituality the label to just mean multidimensional or layers of reality, spirituality makes it seem like faith to me and faith sounds like delusion when this is just how shit works.

Everything is "spiritual" and in this current model we focused our energy on technology and being connected, but in the past we mastered the "spiritual" stuff able to levitate and move stuff with our minds, but we cant really focus on that now in this system, but that exists still, its like any other muscle, we are powerful as fuck Is what I'm saying and some people have the multidimensional blueprint but we will call them schizophrenic, and some are the sensitive deep thinkers but we call them artists, Everyone has a completely different blueprint so never compare and just do your blueprint even if people outside of you don't like you, fuck them. Love the inner child in you (which is the real you) so you don't need love outside of you. People are programed and are limited by the boxes they are in, take away the boxes and labels and you're free, and nothing is wrong with you, this world is just so fucked and spiritually retarded and right now I'm over it lol. I don't give a fuck if you're on drugs, a hooker, homeless, I love you, but I love my inner child more and I choose him first because we are experiencing separation and if I love someone more than me I handed someone over my power, and I'm not doing that, but I do love you. Love your inner child, your blueprint. A bit of a rant, but that's my inner child he fucking loves to talk.

Your not sick your ego is just trying to protect you by projecting this fear so it doesn't experience what it has in the past by a doctor diagnosing your or someone telling you you're different or whatever. We have other bodies besides the physical and the physical reacts just like the emotions and if you are not being your true self your body is reacting to that because we are a soul and when we connect with our soul we get our blueprint back, whatever your blueprint is nothing is wrong with it, so nothing is wrong with you.

I love your reply. So true. I feel you, most of it. ...So painful to be sensitive, willing to connect, but so many faults in their heads omg... Also spirituality has also contaminated me, i now try to understand and repeat to myself that IT IS FUCKING NORMAAAAAL, NATURALLLL, part of who we were, are... It's easyyyy, and all that. Because I do align easily, but also disintegrate very easily. And too! - sometimes can't wait to have a meditative society: talking, rationalising is having fun, sports too, art is beautiful as always, meditating is developing connection, capacities, and ability to at one point not communicate verbally anymore, omg this would be magic, but telepathically be well connected and react upon information... We do have this however, forever and still, but all society being aware of it, mindfully, would release so much tension... And I know we are powerful creatures, but also human, vulnerable fragile and childish at the same time yes... Love your inner child, I am trying that too, which btw i also understood would talk for days if left... :))) Also love forever if left. 

Yesterday I fell asleep, naturally, after reading previous replies and answering. It was around 4am... I felt proud, bit strong, grateful, I aligned... Mostly because I had an image in me, I remembered I could kill myself by cutting and peacefully, joyfully looking at my blood flowing down, rather than poisoning my body, mind and soul with tons of pills.... I had, in my plan, left before that, to all my beloved, the video of Teal on Do people who commit suicide go to hell, to watch and rewatch and rewatch, because it hurts to leave my mother so desperate, weeping.. But also want to slap her in the face for continuing to convince her mind, and ME, I am going to suffer more after death, hell and punishment, all that, which I tried to explain billion times how is that world free from pleasure and pain, 5 senses... So Teal and me maybe, from elsewhere, would help them heal and understand death, one day... Which is my biggest relief! To be able to kill myself, thinking of it, planning it, not rejecting the feelings and idea of it, the image of freedom and permanent alignment... omg.. I also thought of starting a thread of How would you suicide yourself, pretty seriously, (yet funny), if pain is so great and, all that.. (but i won't). Cause, yes, religion has destroyed me and many people... So i want to talk death and suicide so loud, so much, hear THEM out, feel the hatred, feel real, feel the fear... That is what gave me peace and tiny pleasure yesterday... Slept little, but well. 

I really loved Vincent's reply and suggestions too... I deactivated fb account, am in countryside, NOONE knows where I am, here there are good people (but all far from unifying with pain and death experience so, can't really relate, but..), music is my all, maybe, maybe i will get better, and follow... or maybe i lost capacity. 

Thank you all for not letting me feel alone... I enjoy all your replies. 

Edited by Majda
it needs to be perfect. Oh hell...
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Btw, I am so afraid of letting the inner child out, probably because it has been long abused and feeling ashamed... 

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Hi Majda,  

I have read your first post, and your follow up.   I don't see any details of this role that you want to accomplish.   All I see are statements saying "I'm hurting".   I am sorry that you are hurting. 

(1)  I don't know what this thing is that you want to do, but if it is not illegal, immoral or fattening then JUST DO IT.  Put one foot in front of the other and get started.  Life is never perfect.   We will never be perfect.  There is no such thing as solving every last aspect of every single problem.  Get started and sort the other shit out later.   [Please keep in mind that this is generic advice based on very very very little information.]

(2)  If you have already started but you are having difficulties, my advice is to tell someone about this role.  You don't have to tell us on this forum but I think you do need to open up about it to someone who will listen.  What do you want to do? What is the difficulty you are facing?  Get whatever it is off your chest.

(3)  Even if you don't want to give away any details, there is still something you can do.  You can do the loving-kindness meditation (or Metta)  Essentially, you get yourself relaxed and you wish 3 for 4 things for yourself.  Such as:  "May I be happy."  "May I be healthy".  "May my heart be open and filled with loving-kindness".  "May I have peace in my life".  You wish these things for yourself over and over.  You can wish them for other people too but start out wishing them for yourself.

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22 hours ago, Majda said:

Btw, I am so afraid of letting the inner child out, probably because it has been long abused and feeling ashamed... 

You are awakening and these rising emotions is because you expecting deeper and deeper contrast between where you are and where you want to be. As you've mentioned the time is ticking, imagine you filling time bowls with your existing emotional records and placing in to the shelf (Teal-Akashic Records) and replying them next day next week and year after including your childhood time. To think don't think about lemons just makes more think about lemons. And that expanding capacity makes you exhausted, you may feel in a loop or circle,  life spinning around you and you not capable to jump in,  but what your didn't realized you can trick this matrix by consciously filling these bowls with pure positive feelings. You can start as little from 15 seconds, from simple things as wash your face with water and with closed eyes make several deep breath put your palms together and make a memory record of this feeling with all your six senses, and reply several times what you just experienced, freshness of water on your skin floating the air through your nose and filling the lungs with oxygen.  This will help you to create longer time capsule, and put on the shelf as a reference, so if the day was shitty you would know 1 minute in that day was good, your can expand that time by creating different things, in different place several times a day, and these time capsules will brakes ,,black,, circle . I'm usually resistant what people says what I should do, but what I saying to you I just suggesting from my perspective may it would be helpful, also I found very great tips in video How to Rise Your Frequency. Best wishes

 

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52 minutes ago, vincent said:

You are awakening and these rising emotions is because you expecting deeper and deeper contrast between where you are and where you want to be. As you've mentioned the time is ticking, imagine you filling time bowls with your existing emotional records and placing in to the shelf (Teal-Akashic Records) and replying them next day next week and year after including your childhood time. To think don't think about lemons just makes more think about lemons. And that expanding capacity makes you exhausted, you may feel in a loop or circle,  life spinning around you and you not capable to jump in,  but what your didn't realized you can trick this matrix by consciously filling these bowls with pure positive feelings. You can start as little from 15 seconds, from simple things as wash your face with water and with closed eyes make several deep breath put your palms together and make a memory record of this feeling with all your six senses, and reply several times what you just experienced, freshness of water on your skin floating the air through your nose and filling the lungs with oxygen.  This will help you to create longer time capsule, and put on the shelf as a reference, so if the day was shitty you would know 1 minute in that day was good, your can expand that time by creating different things, in different place several times a day, and these time capsules will brakes ,,black,, circle . I'm usually resistant what people says what I should do, but what I saying to you I just suggesting from my perspective may it would be helpful, also I found very great tips in video How to Rise Your Frequency. Best wishes

 

I understand you. So difficult to be in the present for me. It lasts, lasted for hard 3 seconds, at the beginning, now... To care for yourself, is what i, we need. 

Nature around inspires me. Just need to slow down... I don't remember at all now how it was my inner child... Have some flashes when I read, learn, expand a bit, then dance, listen to the music, read slowly, feel the beat... Drink water, thanking the short wonderful wind reminding me of the present, of the past and pain it caused... 

Wonderful your post

Edited by Majda

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56 minutes ago, Majda said:

I understand you. So difficult to be in the present for me. It lasts, lasted for hard 3 seconds, at the beginning, now... To care for yourself, is what i, we need. 

Nature around inspires me. Just need to slow down... 

Slow down ... Walk in nature...  

quietly and gently, tell yourself "shhhhh" and listen for stillness ...

... breathe ...

Put you hand on a tree and look up to see how it reaches up towards the sky ... 

Look down and imagine the roots reaching into the soil to get grounded ...

... breathe ...

Say to the tree: may you be healthy ... may you reach up to the sky for years to come ... may your roots keep you grounded.

... breathe ...

Then walk along the path ... slowly ...

... breathe ...

Find a spot where you can sit and be still...  Listen for the stillness...

Say to yourself: may I be happy ... may I be healthy ... may I reach up to the sky for years to come ... may my roots keep me grounded.

... breathe ...

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Hi 

I want to share with you today's experience

As I said i have retreated in nature countryside, renting a room, with a family around... I had a good night sleep, trying to release tension and not resist myself the evening and night, when my somewhat resentment is born and I tend to reflect a lot... Anyway, I had a plan to go to the city and pick up some stuff left in old home, avoiding any confrontations encounters with people that distract me... Once I got on the bus station, even in the village, surrounded by people, i was activated. However, I felt in alignment or at least able to perceive what I feel. While entering the bus, a girl stood longer than usual to register the ticket, I looked at her in a way being annoyed by that, instantly feeling at the same time how I judged myself for doing that, subconsciously believing i would hurt her or someone with that, therefore I am guilty and all that shit, what i am trying to say is my mind sent my body a punishment, felt the same old hurt in the stomach area, then again body sending messages of fight or flight to the brain because of the feeling, brain being then scared of and at the same time accusing the feeling of fear and weakness, and yata yata, all that depression anxiety symptoms, core issues right...Arghhh

However, that is not why I am mostly writing now. So, I stand in the bus, crowd and all around, after days of peaceful inter/innercommunication, probably well in alignment. I perceived mind became kind of louder, probably one of my defense mechanisms, when you are pure but energy  around and in you is, and is becoming tensed and aggressive. And suddenly I felt super tired, like a wave of dizziness, lightheadedness. I was exhausted after 15 min of driving with people, no direct communication. I sat down, again perceiving simultaneously the voice and resistance of not letting me have a rest, feel tired and rest, sleep, rest. Bit of resistance, body mind in war, tried to focus on how feeling tired of even subtle and short like that communication with people is normal, especially for sick people like me, us... So, closed my eyes, supported my head with hand and rested ... And then, the interesting part for me was, I felt like throwing up. So sick. Haven't eaten anything in the morning, except few apricots, which i dont believe can cause nausea. I felt so sick, wanted to throw up right there. It went up to the throat where I kept it till the end of ride. It was so unconfortable, (I often feel hard blockages in the throat btw...) I stayed focused on it till I got out of the bus and went into a public toilet. I was so resisting to swallowing it, it was not food, but I knew I had to throw up. Couldn't allow myself to swallow another bullshit again. Swallowing swallowing swallowing. So I went to a toilet, started vomiting... It was acid, so much acidity, sour. Nothing of food few orange pieces of fruit, mostly acid devil, toxicity, something. have no idea how and why it happened. Few ideas though... Don't know if crowd helped ME, or I sucked the energy and soul needed to throw it up, or I matched evil and needed to throw it up, or whatever you may think of. Felt better to throw up. Needed bit of water after. I was also intrigued by next thing too.. Got my bottle of water, water was sweet. It was weird. Thought I was definitely more sensitive now so even felt the subtle toxicity of water. I know tap water is full of shit so thought ok I am going to buy me now bottled one. Same taste, but less sweet anyway. Couldn't drink a bit. 

How the day passed, i ended up eating pretty lots of chocolate (sugar) and having a cigarette cause I needed to match the frequency of the city, otherwise I would have fallen down, or fainting or sleeping or meditating on the streets for loooong. 

Interesting to me is what I thought... Imagine outright massive awakening... People would go crazy throwing up on streets, cause everything is sick, got sick, in the city... I could only think of massive vomiting, nausea, but there would be other damages too probably. Imagine we all get that cleansed, and then so sensitive... I got sick in the bus, by no food and while feeling more or less in alignment. 

It may however be initially of physical nature, but was influenced by crowd. Have no idea.not sure 

I ended up following a guy whose energy attracted me instantly. He was a person I could be around, and feel confortable, sharing a bit, learning more, just by observing... He was walking firmly steadily somehow, energy pulled gathered, yet so heartful, with his friend... And so discreet, so quiet, peaceful he seemed... I enjoyed looking at him. 

Thank you ∆×∆

*•* cheers *•*

Edited by Majda

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On 6/30/2017 at 2:49 PM, walt said:

You started a thread hoping people will feel sorry for you? Self pity doesn't serve us and it's an obstacle to healing.

do you think truly think this is helpful to the OP? shes already suffering. You want to add guilt for feeling self pity on top of that? Boo.

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