urbanmystic

setting conditions vs. getting needs met

12 posts in this topic

setting conditions vs. getting needs met

Hi all,

   Curious about your perspective. I am practicing asking for my needs to be met more in my current relationship than in any other I have been in previously. So, that is a good thing. Definitely minimizing bitterness and passive aggressiveness on my end when my partner does not 'magically know' what I need :) . I am stuck on a point though, and can't seem to really get to the other side of it. If I am asking for my needs to be met, and they conflict with my partner's current comfort level or preference; and if I set it as a high priority need to be met, am I not in a way sending the message that I only love him if he does as I say? Sure, I don't ask him to meet every single need, but there are definitely some only a partner can meet. And lately he is working hard at meeting some important ones, but others ones not budging on mainly because they relate to his current evolutionary growth prompt, which he is not wanting to face. I love this person, I am willing to be patient, but how do you know A. If a need is so important it MUST be met for the relationship to continue, and B. If setting up a standard for behavior (asking for the need to be met), is in fact sending a message of conditional love.

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I find this to be a very interesting question.  First of all, I believe in stating your needs. A while back I saw a website with 4 questions you should ask yourself everyday.

1- have I authentically stated my needs?

2- have I received without guilt or any insecurity?

3- have I given without expectation?

4- have I acknowledged the things that count?

As far as getting the relationship you want: Only you can know what your deal breakers are.   Having kids or not is usually a deal breaker.  The ability to be your true self while he is his true self while still getting along and loving each other is important.  But what is your true self?  I think you continue to discover that throughout your life.

Edited by Scot
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If you are setting your need so high that it determines the entire relationship then most likely that need was previously met by your current partner . How else would you two be together if that is so important to you? or you just now discovered that?

I think reliability is crucial here. As long as know that your partner is doing the best he/she can in the current situation to help you meet that need - that is a lot already . But if you see that your partner isn't doing much... that's when you start to question !

 

 

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walt your replies to me and to other people are always inherently negative and framed with rude wording that is off putting. im wondering how you feel when you send them to people. Are you wanting to punish us for how we are feeling? you are making assumptions here in your statement, and even if you had a good point to make, the way you worded it was so off putting, that i'm not inclined to listen to you. You are a very active member here, it seems like you want connection, but it is my opinion you are pushing people away.

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I have talked to walt quite a bit on the issue that has been raised here.  In another thread, he stated his opinion quite clearly I think.  Walt rejects "interdependence" because any form of interdependency in his eyes is "codependency".

My impression of Walt's definition of codependency is "enabling in any form".  But my impression of Walt's definition of enabling is "any form of help given for any reason".   That is, if someone is having a bad time and you provide a little support or encouragement for positive behavior then that is "enabling".  If you help someone to be a better person then in Walt's eyes that is "enabling" and codependent.  In contrast, my definition of enabling is when you enable negative or self-destructive behavior. Such as helping an alcoholic to cover up their alcoholism and not face the consequences of their actions.  Walt will likely tell us that my definition of enabling is incorrect.

in my opinion walt seems to think that we should all be islands unto ourselves.   We have to fulfill our own needs.  After childhood,  any help or support is just "enabling".

In Walt's eyes, in any relationship if "you" (one person) feel that there is a problem then it is NEVER NEVER NEVER the other person's fault.  It is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS your fault [emphasis is mine].  Again, walt seems to think we should be islands unto ourselves.  You should not "authentically state your needs"; you should fill them yourself.  If you need love and support do not expect it from your spouse because that would be "enabling".  If your spouse seems to need love and support, do not supply it because that would be "enabling".

I do not agree with walt.  I think I need to work hard to give my spouse the relationship she wants but also work hard to get the relationship that I want.  I believe in authentically stating your needs.  I believe that interdependency is not codependency.

Edited by Scot

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21 hours ago, walt said:

Dude, codependence is a bitch, I feel your pain.

You could say something a little less vague.  But I think we can see that you essentially confirm my impression of your position.   That is, in your opinion "interdependence" is "codependence".

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I know we have a difference in opinion walt.  I think you are wrong.  You think I'm wrong.  Who is right?  We could try to sort it out.  I'm willing anytime you want to start.

I'll suggest a question:  Is "interdependency" the same or different from "codependency"?

if you want to answer that, or suggest a different question go ahead.  (I don't want to be accused of asking a loaded question.)

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1 hour ago, walt said:

We can play with words about symptoms for the rest of our lives or we can focus on our core issues. It's all about choice.

Okay.  I'll work on my core issues. You work on yours.   That's fair.

 

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On 7/4/2017 at 3:58 PM, Scot said:

I'll suggest a question:  Is "interdependency" the same or different from "codependency"?

I think if dependency comes from being able to rely on each other than it's a good thing and nothing is wrong with it.

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12 hours ago, Garnet said:

I think if dependency comes from being able to rely on each other than it's a good thing and nothing is wrong with it.

There is a potential downside of dependency and psychologists call it "codependency".  When one person "enables" another person to continue self-destructive or negative behaviors then that is "enabling" and "codependency".  I think the classic example is when someone excuses and covers up the behavior of an alcoholic.   

On the other hand, encouraging positive behavior,  validating feelings, offering support and encouraging a healthy outlook is not what psychologists call "enabling".  It is not "codependency".  It is "interdependency" and that is a good thing.  

We all need support from time to time to be the people we ought to be.  But we don't want to "enable" people to be what they shouldn't be.

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Am 29.6.2017 um 04:08 schrieb urbanmystic:

setting conditions vs. getting needs met

Hi all,

   Curious about your perspective. I am practicing asking for my needs to be met more in my current relationship than in any other I have been in previously. So, that is a good thing. Definitely minimizing bitterness and passive aggressiveness on my end when my partner does not 'magically know' what I need :) . I am stuck on a point though, and can't seem to really get to the other side of it. If I am asking for my needs to be met, and they conflict with my partner's current comfort level or preference; and if I set it as a high priority need to be met, am I not in a way sending the message that I only love him if he does as I say? Sure, I don't ask him to meet every single need, but there are definitely some only a partner can meet. And lately he is working hard at meeting some important ones, but others ones not budging on mainly because they relate to his current evolutionary growth prompt, which he is not wanting to face. I love this person, I am willing to be patient, but how do you know A. If a need is so important it MUST be met for the relationship to continue, and B. If setting up a standard for behavior (asking for the need to be met), is in fact sending a message of conditional love.

my issue in pointing out something valuable is that EVERY statement is completely abstract! :)

practical suggestions:

1) Meet your needs through a "meeting needs-ritual". If your partner can't provide them, they can think about stretching their comfort zone, finding a
harmonious way to meet it or you meet your needs by someone else.
2) Overall, you sense a codependent pattern within you, which is not to judge you here but you seem very kind, loving and non-threatening, which is good :) but can
be a part of a codependent pattern. Because ....
3) the only way to deal with needs in a heatlhy manner is to MET them. check her youtube on this. being apologetic about it is also a sign of codependency, which 
I can't truly "be sure of" here, yet i would be conscious and try to become aware of just in case IF it is there.
and then you go back to 1) to meet your needs.

Hope it makes sense and helps : )

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