Jennifer

How to know the difference between an Endurism of a relationship versus Stay to heal?

21 posts in this topic

Hello all,

I am watching Teal's video's like they are a full time job and still am left with a question I am throwing out to the people of this like-minded thinking community for guidance/advice.

How to know whether the romantic relationship I am in has manifested for the purpose of my healing (old wounds that have been repeatedly stuffed down) and I need to stay and continue to work through the repeated contractions I feel versus there is too much persisting contraction and it is time to let go. My gut continues to tell me I need to stay. But there is so much pain and fear so often that sometimes I just want to run away (which is the way I have dealt with my relationships my whole life). I have never married and have no children. My fiancé is 53 years old, was married for 20 years, is completely gorgeous and turns all the ladies heads and can get anyone he wants. I have read the articles about infidelity. And gave me a ring after being together for only 6 months. Why? I ask him and he says because he loves me.

I have a severe fear of being cheated on and being lied to which is why I have avoided staying in long term relationships my whole life. I know this man has shown up in my life for learning and healing. I have always justified my fears by the belief that "human beings naturally cheat" because monogamy is unnatural but I am learning that that is not really the case, many people want monogamous relationships and believe in love. But every time I turn around I am hearing about someone being devastated by infidelity.

Can a person just be the type to never be faithful simply because he or she is so attractive and appealing to the opposite sex and it's easy for them to give in?

My stomach turns with the littlest things, from taking his phone to the bathroom, to having it now next to his pillow at night. There are so many things that make me uncomfortable that I am more often in a state of panic and fear than at ease. Despite all this we laugh and have a blast constantly. I keep thinking this is the relationship that is paramount in my healing the oldest, most significant wounds from childhood. He has never given me an obvious reason to believe or be insecure about him being unfaithful. I feel like it's all in my head, justify it as wounds that need healed.

How the hell do I know whether to stay or go? And how the hell long will this healing take??? Some days I feel like I'm loosing my mind.

I want to enjoy my relationship with this man that I have been the closest too of all my romantic relationships, knowing that whatever happens I will be ok. I am afraid of vulnerability. This is the first time in my life that I have given up control. I've had to give up control because we can't control others. This has been hard being a high anxiety OCD Aries chic.

Anyone have any gems or tidbits, I would be absolutely grateful for any advice, opinions, perspectives.

Jen

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Hello Universe,

 

That sounds like my last relationship. What can I tell you? It will end when it will end. I actually broke up I think 2 or three times before with her. But I had that longing to go back to her. So we got back together.

 

That feeling still crops up now and then. But one thing has changed. The door is locked. That part of me that hopes that I can make it work this time with her just has no real arguments anymore. I have literally tried everything in the book. So the logical part of my brain just says no. No way. Period. No. No No No NO!

 

And that's it.

So I guess until you or him have anything that always comes up again and again and again and no progress is made. I'd say continue.

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1 hour ago, Display said:

Hello Universe,

 

That sounds like my last relationship. What can I tell you? It will end when it will end. I actually broke up I think 2 or three times before with her. But I had that longing to go back to her. So we got back together.

 

That feeling still crops up now and then. But one thing has changed. The door is locked. That part of me that hopes that I can make it work this time with her just has no real arguments anymore. I have literally tried everything in the book. So the logical part of my brain just says no. No way. Period. No. No No No NO!

 

And that's it.

So I guess until you or him have anything that always comes up again and again and again and no progress is made. I'd say continue.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my question! That's pretty much where I am at. Actually, I just read the Meaning article and all I can think is "Wow", which is how I feel pretty much after every article and video by Teal. This really is an incredibly awake and aware community that I am so grateful to have been guided too. xoxo Light and love, Jen

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You need to learn to set boundaries or parasitic beings will drain you or kill you. If you can leave a toxic relationship, it is best to leave.

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13 hours ago, Kalki said:

You need to learn to set boundaries or parasitic beings will drain you or kill you. If you can leave a toxic relationship, it is best to leave.

Thank you Kalki

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On Monday, June 20, 2016 at 0:19 PM, Display said:
On Monday, June 20, 2016 at 0:00 PM, Jennifer said:

 

I have a severe fear of being cheated on and being lied to which is why I have avoided staying in long term relationships my whole life. I know this man has shown up in my life for learning and healing. I have always justified my fears by the belief that "human beings naturally cheat" because monogamy is unnatural but I am learning that that is not really the case, many people want monogamous relationships and believe in love. But every time I turn around I am hearing about someone being devastated by infidelity.

 

 

I've met people who say that they prefer polyamorous relationship.

Tbh... modern polyamory reminds of this: i'll be with you, but i'll also sometimes be with her/him when i feel like it.

That's not polyamory. That's called a back up plan in case first relationship won't work.

True polyamorous relationship is only possible when all people are included in it as equal as possible. It's like family.

Monogamy has changed too. It used to be one and only partner for life. Now it is one partner at a time.

As someone  has said: " i guess i can say I've been monogamous in all my relationships" :) 

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On 6/20/2016 at 11:00 AM, Jennifer said:

My fiancé is 53 years old, was married for 20 years, is completely gorgeous and turns all the ladies heads and can get anyone he wants.

Why did his 20 year relationship end, was it his fault?

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On 6/20/2016 at 0:00 PM, Jennifer said:

My stomach turns with the littlest things, from taking his phone to the bathroom, to having it now next to his pillow at night. There are so many things that make me uncomfortable that I am more often in a state of panic and fear than at ease.

Gotta talk it out. I know it isn't a fun idea, and I haven't been good at this earlier in my life, but once I started talking about how I felt very literally with my prospective partners, all the clouds parted. Gotta tell him what's bothering you. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum convo, but if you're going to marry him? Starting now is better than starting never. Peace, love. You have to put your own feelings first. If you're scared, now is a perfectly acceptable time (especially 6 months in - I'd be freaking out too unless it was the super soulmate of my life experience, and my guides were doing backflips or something). It's alright to feel cautious, and afraid about infidelity. I'm glad you're talking this out on here with us, too. :) 

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On 6/21/2016 at 4:00 AM, Jennifer said:

My gut continues to tell me I need to stay.

We also need to make a distinction between "gut" and "heart" here. I say this because many times i also thought that my gut was telling me to do something but it was my desperate, love-deprived heart telling me that i needed what little he was giving because who else would? Who else would want to? I watched quite a few video's by experts on that too and they all say the same thing. 

If you are not whole, you will leach off a partner whatever it is that you need. However, if you are whole (loving yourself, taking care of yourself aka. self-sufficient) then you can actually contribute towards a fully-functioning relationship. Our hearts are fickle, they tend to find ways to get us what we need in the quickest, easiest ways. But that is settling! Why settle for what you have when you can get mind-blowing, all-consuming, unconditional love. 

And by that i mean, you can get it from the person you are undoubtedly going to be with until death do you part. I feel an overwhelming urge to ask you to check this out...

 Hope it helps! xx

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This is all amazing feedback thank you all. I think big changes and letting go of control after having lived solo ,for years(!) has my eyeballs crossed. I read Teal's self trust vs. independence last night and my head nearly exploded! The Universe will deliberately put you in situations and guide you to people that will force you to stop seeking help from others and force you to go inward and learn to trust your own being, which in these matters I don't. Ultimately it's not about the fears of cheating, etc. It's about getting real with my self! There is so much more to this than I can type here but I realized I don't trust myself and am learning to self love when it comes to others.

heaps of light and love to you all!!????

Jen

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15 hours ago, Hope_vZ said:

 

We also need to make a distinction between "gut" and "heart" here. I say this because many times i also thought that my gut was telling me to do something but it was my desperate, love-deprived heart telling me that i needed what little he was giving because who else would? Who else would want to? I watched quite a few video's by experts on that too and they all say the same thing. 

If you are not whole, you will leach off a partner whatever it is that you need. However, if you are whole (loving yourself, taking care of yourself aka. self-sufficient) then you can actually contribute towards a fully-functioning relationship. Our hearts are fickle, they tend to find ways to get us what we need in the quickest, easiest ways. But that is settling! Why settle for what you have when you can get mind-blowing, all-consuming, unconditional love. 

And by that i mean, you can get it from the person you are undoubtedly going to be with until death do you part. I feel an overwhelming urge to ask you to check this out...

 Hope it helps! xx

Oh this does, this is one of the first videos of Teal's I watched. I immediately purchased the book and am on a self love learning mission! xoxo

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15 hours ago, Stephanie Wintermute said:

Gotta talk it out. I know it isn't a fun idea, and I haven't been good at this earlier in my life, but once I started talking about how I felt very literally with my prospective partners, all the clouds parted. Gotta tell him what's bothering you. It doesn't have to be an ultimatum convo, but if you're going to marry him? Starting now is better than starting never. Peace, love. You have to put your own feelings first. If you're scared, now is a perfectly acceptable time (especially 6 months in - I'd be freaking out too unless it was the super soulmate of my life experience, and my guides were doing backflips or something). It's alright to feel cautious, and afraid about infidelity. I'm glad you're talking this out on here with us, too. :) 

Yes, I am grateful for this community and the ability to share with like minded people. Thank you for your input xo

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16 hours ago, JiantDwarph said:

Why did his 20 year relationship end, was it his fault?

His wife cheated. But according to him they were not connected the way he and I are and he claims he has never been close to a woman in this way before. Ultimately, I know it's not about the fear of infidelity. It is about learning to listen and honor my feelings and needs.

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