Heidi Havula

Don't fear revenge fantasies - my experience!

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Don't fear revenge fantasies - my experience!

Hi there! A few weeks ago I purchased the Master class edition of CP Q&A- livestream, as Teal calls it. There one question caught my attention, about revenge fantasies and how the person asking of it did not allow themselves to do it. You can watch the last 15 or so minutes of the webinar to see her full explanation, but in a nutshell: many having revenge fantasies do not allow anger in themselves but instead expect themselves to be able to jump from powerlessness state up to hope and joy, but one cannot actually do that. That blew my mind as I listened to it - it makes sense! So, for anyone struggling with the idea, I shall share my CP session (the essential parts of it) that made that kind of revenge fantasies futile and they ceased to exist.

So, I have had reoccurring revenge fantasies towards my ex, while that is the last thing I would want to do consciously. But nothing made it go away. So, I took the bull by its horns and triggered myself to have the emotion... Of utter powerlessness. The memory did not surface, but instead I visualized my inner child and my ex in a dark room, along with my 'current' self. I gave my child self a gun and let her loose on my ex. I think she shot around hundred rounds, straight onto my ex and made her suffer without letting her to die until she felt relieved. At every shot, she stared right into my ex, so did I. Even then, she wanted to watch the world burn, the room in this case. So, I let her to set the whole universe in FIRE and kicked her corpse. Then we sat there for quite some time, while I started to have those integration pains in the back of my brain in my physical body. Then she felt truly relieved and wanted to revive my ex, and so that happened. She left all the bullets and the ashy room there and my guardian took ex away.

Then, the Safe Haven... I don't need to think how the child wants it to be, it always changes when a new aspect of me integrates. Her castle was a full-on gothic dream with the servant's clothes all gothic, and the place had black roses and icy roses. Very, very beautiful and gracefully dark! Our clothes changed from normal to full gothic, as well... The interesting part of that was how the pain in my brain and skull was present the whole latter part of the process, it moved from back to the middle and back. I stayed with that pain for 10-20 minutes or so and then returned to the present moment veeery gradually. The pain was very, very different from what I have experienced this far ANYWHERE, but yeah. Very intense, but I did not resist it in any way. I think it was literally rewiring of my neural network, the synapses making new connections and replacing old ones. That was confirmed by my guardian.. The tranquil feeling I had afterwards was just amazing.

So yeah, don't be afraid of your anger - it is necessary!

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Dear @Heidi Havula whatever it takes, however it goes, revenge within the trauma scene is release. I am interested that you should revive your Ex in this case - but then, whatever it takes. I believe it shows a compassionate side of you.
My other thought is that your Safe Haven is how you, the Adult make it. Yes, be mindful of being constructed for a child but that would happen anyway, wouldn't it? Not saying your inner child started as a goth but that in itself is interesting food for thought. Light, crystal Rob

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Mmhm, I wouldn't truly feel the relief if I didn't already know that ^^

I know you don't like gothic style, but I love all the details and the beauty in them. It's not a means to scare people away, but I like colors that show up, styles that are rarely found from H&M or what have you. I shrug and say maybe there's something, maybe not. It has been a constant daydream of mine to go all gothic.. for years.

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