Arush Dayal

Forgiving father for abuse!!

4 posts in this topic

Forgiving father for abuse!!

Hey,

So, I basically was brought up in a household of domestic violence, where my father used to hit my mom and me, and sometimes, my mom hit me too.

My mom tried to compensate for the violence, by being overprotective and looking at me as an extension of herself, thus confusing me with regards to these two absolutely contradictory forms of parenting.

The sole focus used to be on defeating my closest friends in studies, and being uber competitive In a crazily rigorous academic regime, which further subdued my freedom and made me believe that I by myself without those achievements, was not good enough, for I needed that to earn the validation of my mother, and believe that I am good enough.

I was hit for the silliest reasons. For dropping peanuts on the floor while eating. For asking a girl out in 8th grade when all my other classmates had started dating far before that. I began believing that the physical abuse was normal. I thought that was the way families behave, the way most parents behave, and that the drama was inevitable.

I grew up detesting my dad for the violence and infuriated about the fact that my mom never left him for us. She was just so dependent on him financially. So was I really. It was the money pouring in, the gifts, the expensive vacations that kept her with him, and then they used to tell me that the only reason they were still together was essentially because of me, which as a child really struck me because I started believing that I was the reason for the violence in my home. That I was the bad child. That I wasn't good enough. To save her. To save us. 

As a result, I've grown up with the following issues:-

1) An extreme dependence on validation and neediness around friends and partners. A difficulty saying no. Difficulties stating what I want. Wanting to be liked. Trying to portray an image so that I am accepted.

2) Anger and resentment for my parents and a desire to control our relationship in the present, such that they (especially my dad) can give me the love they couldn't provide during that childhood, and essentially 'reparent' me through it.

3) OCD and a whole lotta obsessive thinking and analysing which can often be counter productive.

4) An inability to trust human beings and the fact that I deserve love. This internalizes as a lack of self confidence. I deal with a lack of self esteem. 

5) Difficulties forgiving my parents for the past and healing those relationships.

6) An addiction to caffeine, adderall, and a propensity to drink alcohol, or smoke weed with friends who do the same, in order to 'escape' and/or fit in.

7) Still dependent on my father financially too. 

Not quite sure how to deal with all of this. I may be aware on 'how' but I basically mean that I need help in pushing myself to inculcate self-love and get over these limitations!!

Edited by Arush Dayal

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Seems to me like you are on a path to healing. Just keep following it.

Two recommendations:

1- continued Self-awareness. You already seem very self-aware.   Shadow work and continue on your path of self-awareness.

2- Self-nurturing.  Metta meditation.  Metta meditation was apparently promoted by the Buddha himself.   I'm sure you can find information on Metta. There must be lots of variations.  To answer the obvious question "does it have to be "Metta" meditation?  Nope.  Try out lots of types of meditation.

Edited by Scot

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Walt's advice and my advice is obviously very different.  Which advice is right?   Who knows?   To my mind the question is whether you are ready to start facing and unpacking all this stuff now, or if you want to put it on hold until you are a bit more established and find a counselor you can work with.  You are the one to answer that question.

But in terms of "self-judgement".   I hear that term "self-judgement" and it makes me think that it is about judging myself harshly.   Yeah, don't do that.   Don't feel guilt or shame or that there is anything wrong with you.  Just because others have treated you poorly, you don't have to treat yourself poorly.

"Self-nurturing" is a good thing and I think we all need to do it.  "Self-indulgence" isn't all good but once in a while, what the hell.  If we can't indulge ourselves who will?  If it isn't illegal, immoral, or fattening, go for it.

"Self-abuse" is not good.  It is not helpful.  Self-cutting or emotionally abusing yourself (which seems to be my connotation of "self-judgement")  is not helpful.   

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Arush,

I think anyone who turned into self-help had eventually been in the similar place "okay, this is what happened . What do i do now?" so you are not alone here and i am glad you are on the path of healing. I would probably just keep reading or watching videos and as the question arises post here or discuss with a good friend . Also pay attention to your triggers .  

Shadow work/CP is what brought us all here so feel free to ask any questions . 

 

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