EarthColours

Predicament: loneliness for the best?

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Predicament: loneliness for the best?

I'm at home recovering from chronic illness and have been for the last 28 months. I have no friends and I'm lonely and often filled with shame from past events where I did foolish things due to mental illness of sorts.

My personality is very forceful, result-oriented, independent, ambitious, and judgemental. I probably do have some more positive things going for me but I don't feel like mentioning them. Innately I should be very intelligent but I'm completely ineffectual on account of my illness which has brought about a lot of brain damage that looks like ADD/dyslexia and additional brain fog. I hate myself for my inabilities and incompleteness just as I hate weakness and stupidity in general so I avoid experiences where I see this in myself and so I avoid most things.

I want to develop by healing my condition and my brain and then challenging myself to achievible tasks of increasing difficulty incrementally. Initially my tolerance for failure will be low but I'm sure it will improve with successes.

The issue I have right now is loneliness. In many ways I am happy with the decision to be alone at home. I am comfortable and it is convenient. Friendships I do have had (online or otherwise) always seem to be troubling and hurtful sooner or later reminding me of problems. For a while I enjoyed friendships with rather clueless people where I could help them with their problems but now I judge myself for associating with such broken people at my age and aspire to associate with better people. Recently I started sharing my feelings with a better person who I have some affection for but I embarassed myself again and it reminded me very quickly of all the reasons why I don't do that and why it is better just to be alone until I am healed.

I believe that once I heal my brain and can think and start to establish a life then I will not have problems with friends or will be happy without them doing important things. Until then I don't like feeling this loneliness and I worry occasionally that it is damaging for my health but still I find the reasons for my social isolation very sound.

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did you know that being healed is just a fantasy? There is no being healed its a constant evolution of healing. People do this with everything and they still feel the same, I'm not saying do nothing but the goal is the fantasy, like once I get married, once I move, once I get this medicine or medication I will be complete,! once I take ayahuasca or whatever drug I will be healed, its a fantasy that we will heal as fucked up as that is. I'm not saying disease cant heal of course it can, in source love disease cant exist in that state, people heal all the time but this end goal is fantasy.

I was thinking about life purposes the other day and how some people are here to say shit you're not supposed to like turrets syndrome, they will say stuff that make you cringe but that perspective exists. All these perspectives that aren't normal exist like autism, prosopagnosia, and the list goes on, if you are using the model of normal then yeah you're going to see a lot of fucked up people because you are viewing them with your perfection filter meanwhile you don't reach that yourself. If someone is the asshole perspective the outside will reflect that right back if its a constant you are the problem. To me sometimes having the mental illness labels justifies your actions, so once that label is gone you don't have an excuse, like 'I hit my girlfriend', I mean I have head trauma and ptsd, These labels or illness's actually justify our actions sometimes, but the labels doesn't mean much from an objective view. If you are around a group of psychologist then yeah you have a mental illness, but that in that old model, they will diagnose your ass for being just human and crying. and psychologists are the biggest avoiders not even mastering themselves, they could still eat like shit and smoke and drink and call themselves a psychologist, Even a psychologist has to heal themselves, we just have this weird delusion about people with authority that can diagnose us, meanwhile you can change and this current you is the fake you anyway and not your actual blue print self, your blue print self could be a singer, artist or traveler, so anything that isn't that will feel horrible and you will call it mental illness because you see everyone else conforming. Also if you are famous or rich mental illness is okay lol, fame and power trumps everything, that last part is sort of a joke. There is no triggered its just feeling emotions that were always there, they are just coming up now finally.

 

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 loneliness is not a bad thing, I'd compare with vipassana, loneliness and to be alone as Teal says is not the same, some people hiding because they was hurt so they feel loneliness, but in your message I feeling a light and wish to connect, and we are who we want to be, internet probably is the shortest bridge to find connection is resonates with you.

best wishes 

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There is a "School of Life" video that I just love called "why we are fated to be lonely". 

It describes how as complex beings we have complex thoughts and sometimes it is hard to find someone who understands us.  

Like I said, I love this video but it makes the mistake of forgetting about connection.   Sometimes we can find connection and really feel like someone "gets" us.

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Your what you call illness was created while you were socializing . Doesn't matter what it is, it is a part of you. Therefore i don't know if you can solve this issue alone because we heal through what has hurt us once. Another words you have to re-experience your social life in a way that you no longer have this "illness".

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On 6/6/2017 at 9:59 PM, walt said:

Your desire to get back on your feet tells me you are a manifesting generator? Do you know your Human Design?

This is interesting. Where would you recommend is a good resource to find out more about this? Bear in mind I have no money for such things besides maybe two or three of the mainstream currency units.

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