Stephanie Wintermute

Resolution through Incubation

12 posts in this topic

Within the last hour, I experienced the most cathartic healing session using The Completion Process on my journey yet. I need to write about it, and I hope here is the best place to post it. I'm very new to the community. Like signed up last night 'new.' 

What began with me writing a farewell email to an ex of mine that had said hello out of the blue via email became a treasure trove of unearthing truly banished parts of myself in childhood. After I'd blocked his emails, I felt not the immediate closure I'd been expecting but a stale wall of resistant energy in my stomach. I held on to the feeling, immediately sitting with it. I carefully asked 'When was the first time I felt this way,' and was guided into a memory of me watching a childhood friend walking away with her new friends, leaving me behind. I was desperate to go after her, beg for her friendship back, but I stood my ground and watched her walk away. I was 9.  

The feelings I then sank to the bottom of were sickening pangs in my stomach as if watching a small animal die through no fault of my own, but actively not trying to save it. That sensation quickly chained through to an image of me sitting on the floor as a child with the receiver of the phone in my hand, wanting very badly to call this friend, who I'd had over every Friday for ages, and the need was the worst at around 7PM every single Friday. I 'sat' on the floor with my younger self, holding her, remaining with her through the sick pangs as if in full-blown withdrawal for ages. She was sick for connection, and completely ignored in her sorrow... but would hold the receiver of the phone in her hand for a few moments every Friday for weeks on end to console herself, telling herself she still had a friend she could call. 

When that emotion was clear, and I knew I had reintegrated all the fragmented parts (around 5), I asked, 'When's the last time I felt this?' 

I was standing in a local music venue and watching a 'friend with benefits' that I'd wanted more from walk through the stage area with an old friend he'd literally run into at the show. Seeing the way they walked together, I immediately knew that he'd found his 'person.' The next day, he was telling me he was going on a date with her. The next month, they were moving in together. It was as if I could see all the way down to the bottom of the relationship instantly in that moment, and had been utterly destroyed, triggered, disassociating into the madness of abandonment and despair with a front-row seat of what it looks like to meet your romantic soul mate.

Again, I sank hard into the emotion, letting first-person saturate into me. I reintegrated no less than 9 fractured aspects of myself. I thanked my madness for protecting me, I remained with my past self afterward, embracing her, and telling her she didn't need to watch any more. Soon after, we left them behind, no more need to stay or return. 

Finally, I realized that at the age of 9, I hadn't hit the first primary memory of the loss. So, I tried again. 'When's the first time I felt this?' The sickness in the stomach, the deep, sick pangs of desperation that felt like sheer panic, helplessness, and madness. The sheer wall of emotion without thought.

And, this time, there was the real answer. 

I was in an incubator. I recognized it from other sessions where I'd been left alone and had been lead back to the small transparent box. But... not to this memory. I had been born terribly premature via C-Section, and my mother could not stand to emotionally connect with me, having lost her first child in this same way. This was the memory of the very first time my mother had handled me physically. I knew it was her. Then, she was leaving. I can barely stand to describe what it felt like; it was complete powerlessness. I couldn't make any sounds that were audible, I was too weak. I could move my hand against the glass. I heard the sound of my little voice in my chest and felt utter misery, unlike anything I've ever experienced. It was the loudest, most horrific weight I've ever carried. The pleading void was like a black hole in my chest, begging my mother to come back. But she was already gone. 

I let the anvil of the void pull my heart down so hard, I thought I was going to suffocate. I held my breath and held the pain in until I was feeling it so fully, there was nothing else. I started shaking uncontrollably, shuddering in what I can only describe as 'breath of fire' type hyperventilation. It was as freeing as it was painful, and I managed to smile somehow, knowing this was what I'd been looking for. The hope resonated through the sparks of ache in my chest, my rigid stomach as the energy rattled back into my body, transmogrifying. I remained with that baby, in that moment, reintegrating all the fractures until I was able to fully fill my lungs, knowing she wasn't abandoned or alone anymore. When every last pleading baby had been reintegrated again, I was able to immediately (as if a force of nature that could not be stopped) go back into the memory as my current self, carefully scoop the baby up, and place her carefully against my chest. Finally, the calm sounds came, the disgruntled but not exasperated little vocalizations of a little one who just wanted to be held, and was experiencing exactly that as if it had never been missing. 

My primary guide, MILLS, who accompanies me on these journeys to alter the memories was there. I asked him to quietly destroy the incubator. "Quietly?" he sounded disappointed. But he complied, turning the entire thing to glassy beads of sand that floated around everywhere, then vanished. Soon, we were in the garden of my internal Campus. He was happy to scoop up the baby, carefully holding her to his collarbone, and share this moment, where she got to breathe non-hospital air for the first time, easily, the sound of the breeze through the trees gently reaching us. 

Relieved, I sobbed without sound in my room for what had to have been 25 minutes, until my heart felt like I'd run a tidal wave through it, and it was as clear as crystal, pure, clean, rinsed all the debris of hospital sounds I'd ever absorbed. So, I had to write about this here. I had to. I've never felt like such an utterly complete person in my entire life. I've had severe, severe PTSD in my lifetime. I'd just like to take a moment to recognize Teal for this process (though I may take liberties with it at some points that feel correct to me), and every last one of you in this community. I thought I'd be suffering alone for the rest of my life, stained and broken and unlovable. Worthless. Now, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that is as far from the truth as possible. I feel like I just swam up a waterfall, but it's the kind of exhausted that screams, 'well done. You're amazing.' 

Thank you for reading this if you did, it means the world to me. I'm at the point in my life where I'm going to be healed, and I'm going to be heard, even if I have to take a nap afterward. ;) 

Love, 

Stephanie

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...Wow....I'm so happy you shared this...I was balling my eyes out halfway through, and I too held the baby to my chest as I was reading<333. I've dug up some pretty interesting memories myself with this process, however I always feel there's something deeper, maybe I havent sat with it enough, they're from around age 8-9 as well. 

On a separate note...I feel like you might like to contemplate the following with me...whats your take on the type of quotes that go like "Don't make decisions when you're angry, or promises when your happy"/"Don't make permanent decisions with temporary feelings"

In a moment where you're angry or fed up...and you come to certain conclusions, is moving from that place wise or not. I realize you can't attract peace from a place of anger, but without the anger you wouldn't make the decision you want peace...I'd love if you could share your thoughts on that. I love the way you think and write!  

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Thank you so much, Lexy. Your response means the world to me. :) I can't remember the last time I cried so hard, but it was worth everything. I know when I'm going through the process when I hit the root. There's no mistaking it. I'm sure when the moment is right, you'll hit what's really at the core of the pain. 

26 minutes ago, Lexy said:

On a separate note...I feel like you might like to contemplate the following with me...whats your take on the type of quotes that go like "Don't make decisions when you're angry, or promises when your happy"/"Don't make permanent decisions with temporary feelings"

I'd love to contemplate with you: 

Over the years, I got a little too good at not responding when experiencing over the top emotions. I was always afraid to make waves, I just wanted everyone to get along. Plus, if I found myself too happy, the gap between me and my family was too large, and I felt really self-conscious or 'on the spot.' I didn't know myself well enough to trust what I really felt at all, unfortunately. I'm a really sensitive empath, and couldn't tell until last year or so really what emotions were mine, and what emotions were someone else's. :o For me now, having really gotten to know myself, it's much easier to go with the flow and speak authentically no matter what the occasion. If I'm happy, and someone presents me with a scenario about something, I ask them (as a wonderful rule of thumb that serves me well), 'May I get back to you about that?' It's a beautiful question, and I've never had someone press me after asking it. I do follow up with them, though. It isn't used as an escape route unto itself. ;) 

In general, however, I highly recommend trying to figure out in the moment whether you're being triggered or not if in an argument. I now realize, speaking about myself, when someone says or does something that sets me off it's usually because they're triggering me. If I get angry or panicked in that instance, I usually hold off until I can sort my own feelings and triggers out, probably use 'The Completion Process' when I get to a safe space (or at least a restroom) and plan on revisiting the argument or disagreement or awkwardness later with the person should I feel it persist. This is especially true in a work environment when you ideally have to plan around everything logistically, with diplomacy in mind. 

40 minutes ago, Lexy said:

In a moment where you're angry or fed up...and you come to certain conclusions, is moving from that place wise or not. I realize you can't attract peace from a place of anger, but without the anger you wouldn't make the decision you want peace

I love 'firing off rockets of desire,' as Abraham Hicks put it when it comes to realizing what's wanted instead of unwanted. But I'm really in it to feel good as priority one right now, aside from pinpointing triggers and rescuing all fragmented aspects of myself. 

Recently, I had someone attempt to put me down to make himself feel more powerful. This made me instantly furious and  fed up because I'm so over the small s*** at this point, and that energy is unmistakable. My ego is extremely fiery when provoked, even as integrated as it is. I didn't engage him directly as he tried over and over to provoke a response out of me. But I did leave the area with a very short response. An exchange like that falls into the very unsavory category of 'ego battle.' An undernourished ego or shadow aspect of a person can really add to the ugliness of an interaction. That's a whole other layer to consider with arguments, especially if you don't know someone very well. I wouldn't suggest stopping to think, 'I wonder if this poor soul has some shadow work to do?' and then practicing the art of loving the person into a better vibrational space, lol. NOPE. 

I'm making light, but if a conversation is getting ugly, and you feel it getting ugly... shut it down! Retreat! Guard your happy feels!

I usually flat out thank my ego directly for getting angry or upset or defensive on my behalf in an uncomfortable conversation. The Universe is giving us an opportunity to figure something out. That doesn't, however, mean we have to stand and take it. 

Really great talking with you. Thank you again for reading, and for letting me contemplate with you! 

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Oh my God, this is such a place to heal! I thought I would have to do all this painful work alone. Stephanie I love you for sharing this. You are so inspiring! I am just starting out on this journey and I have stayed with the pain only once. It was excruciatingly painful and choked my heart and I thought I would die. I was crying abnormally because the pain was so intense it wouldn't let me cry normally. I just realized that I have lost the ability to feel any kind of pain because I am so completely immune to it. Its like nothing can make me really feel any 'real' pain. My body tries to imitate what the concept of pain would feel like in my body and tries to express grief but it feels utterly #### and weird to cry like that. I want to become human again and feel emotions fully and completely. I know this place will lift us all because together our love is so powerful and healing. I love you Teal for starting this. Muah <3

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Thanks, Rosh. :) I never thought I would be writing a post about how a 'Completion' session looks and feels for me but I felt lead to post. I had put so many damn walls up after my more chaotic relationships that I thought I'd never heal properly. I felt damaged and shattered to pieces, unlovable, completely unredeemable as a human being. Then a friend recommended Teal's videos 'Emotional Wake Up Call' and 'How to Heal The Emotional Body,' and the rest was a weekend long retreat while house-sitting at that friend's home, finally in a safe space to myself away from prying egos.  It was the most cathartic, liberating beginning to what has become a year and 8-month long emotional healing spree. I love the term 'healing crisis,' and boy that's pretty accurate! 

My last session hit something so deep, I literally couldn't make sounds while I was crying. I used to do that for safety's sake in my worst relationship to avoid bringing on additional abuse, but this was epic healing. I know you'll get there. Any you're right. This site really feels like a safe place for us all to open up, and support each other through these processes. It's time. ^_^

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wow. wonderful read. " sank to the bottom " " full-blown withdrawal " " madness of abandonment and despair with a front-row seat  " " anvil of the void " " heart felt like I'd run a tidal wave through it "

 

last quote

'well done. You're amazing.' 

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9 hours ago, Collide said:

wow. wonderful read. " sank to the bottom " " full-blown withdrawal " " madness of abandonment and despair with a front-row seat  " " anvil of the void " " heart felt like I'd run a tidal wave through it "

 

last quote

'well done. You're amazing.' 

@Collide *blushes* Thank you so much. Writing and expressing how I feel things through written word means everything to me. This really makes me happy. Thanks for much for reading, Collide. :) Never thought people would even read what I'd write on this forum, (old self-abandonment issues) but that hasn't been the case, and it's bringing me such genuine joy. That's great. 

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Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been so scared to feel, hearing about your experience has made me feel a little safer and has given me some confidence, thank you.

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On 6/13/2016 at 0:21 AM, Pepi said:

Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been so scared to feel, hearing about your experience has made me feel a little safer and has given me some confidence, thank you.

You're so welcome. It was a big step of courage to post that account, too. :) Feeling is what we're meant to do in this life. It's horrifying at first, lol. But now, I'm so very happy to feel, I'm all about it. The most painful feelings will soon present themselves as friends that tell you their deepest secrets, confiding in you like they love you the most. You'll get it. Plus, we're all here to help. :x

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6 hours ago, Stephanie Wintermute said:

The most painful feelings will soon present themselves as friends that tell you their deepest secrets, confiding in you like they love you the most. You'll get it. Plus, we're all here to help. :x

That sounds so beautiful :o I can't wait :D

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6 minutes ago, mariannerrose said:

THANK YOU. As I'm deep in healing crises :) I'm not very articulate these days. Just wanted to say you inspired me, helped me and I'm very grateful you posted! 

You're welcome, @mariannerrose. I'm fortunate to have been able to get a little bit ahead of the 'healing crisis' wave than those I'm encountering (for the most part), and be able to lend some experience to help. It can be a draining process to write about but I'm sure I'll have more posts on it later. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Take heart, you have friends to help you through. 

Edited by Stephanie Wintermute
typos :/

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