Milkyway

Jealousy

15 posts in this topic

Jealousy

Hi !

My problem is clearly the overwhelming jealousy I feel. I am in a relationship and I know that I am slowly but surely destroing it with my feeling of jealousy and the rage that is the result of it. I feel so sorry for my bf and I hate myself for being that kind of woman. I don't know what to do. My last boyfriend cheated on me and i can't get over the hurt is caused me. I know I am projecting it onto my current bf.. 
 Any insights about jealousy or some practical tipps? I watched Teals Videos about the topic. 
Also I am often thinking about breaking up because I can't stand this feeling anymore and I feel like he is suffering because of me. How do I know when to break up and  how can I acceot that it might be the better option for myself and him?  I feel so frustrated and hopeless.. 

 

Have a nice morning/day/night wherever you are in the world. while reading this :)
 

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... And I also disagree with Teal about the topic of jealousy... She says that it's always something negative... bad. I don't agree. Of course, unreasonable jealousy can be very bad. If the person does not have a well-balanced personality, their expressions of jealousy will be over the top... all over the place... exaggerated and very unpleasant. 

But jealousy is a natural expression of love. To remain impassive no matter what your love partner does implies that we should be detached, aloof beings, who shouldn't show any emotions. This is unnatural. We are born (at least, most of us) with a great capacity for passion. if we love, we will feel jealousy. This is natural, and you have a right to express your emotions openly. Now, if your expressions of jealousy are not really unpleasant, your current partner should understand, that you were hurt in the past, that someone betrayed your trust... and so, that you need time, and good care, to heal. If he can't understand this, then maybe he's not the right partner for you, especially is he shows impatience. 

It is possible to repress (not suppress, this is impossible) the feelings of jealousy, but that can only lead to failure. Love is passion. If passion is not allowed, then it's not love, or it's one-sided only (and that is even worse).  If your expressions of jealousy are not the aggressive/loud kind, then it's not you who's destroying the relationship.

Good luck to you and sunny days!

Edited by Esperanto
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Thank you for your kind words.  ☺️

To be honest I couldn't find help in Teals videos about jealousy, but they made me think about the theme. 

Sometimes, when jealousy really hits me, I am out of control. I don't know what I am saying or I can't remember it properly. It's like some demon possessing me. I get loud seldom, but I can be very provocative and a bit like a bully. I know exactly which buttons to push to make the other person angry and I realized that I do it because I want the other person to feel my pain. After this happens I feel so ashamed of myself and hate myself, sometimes I think that I don't want to live anymore. I really want to change and to stop all that passive aggressiveness, guilt, shame, self hate and toxic emotions.. 

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Then, you may be contributing to the erosion of the relationship... But out of despair, because he doesn't listen to you. So, you need someone who will listen, and who will take care of you. So, you're doing what's necessary, because if he can't stand it, then you'll need to move on. 

A crucial point is if he gives you real reasons to be jealous, or if it's more your imagination. Is he willing to explain what he does? His whereabouts? In a loving relationship, this is a moral obligation.

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I have read this thread several times and tried to think about what to write.  One thought is "What you resist persists."   By that I mean the jealousy you feel sounds pretty strong.  If you try to ignore it, it won't just go away.   Even if you break up with this boyfriend, you'll probably just have to deal with those same feelings with your next boyfriend.

Im not a counselor or any type of therapist but I think you need to get these feelings out and deal with them.   Do you have a close girlfriend or sister to talk to?

I assume that mostly you just want to be heard and feel like someone understands.  Trying to have this conversation with your boyfriend isn't going to be easy because he is likely to try to "fix" it or he will say "you have no reason to be jealous" etc.  But telling you that you have no reason to feel jealous won't help when all you want to do is be heard.  if you try to have the conversation with your boyfriend you will need to make it clear that you aren't blaming him and he shouldn't try to "fix" anything.  Explain that you just need to talk through your feelings and you need him to listen and understand.  Ask him to not offer solutions but maybe share if he has felt jealousy too.

 

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The solution is in the future... by finding the right partner... not looking into the past... She will find peace of mind when the boyfriend behaves well and is devoted to her... Not  by reviewing the past looking for the culprits of the reflex that provokes jealousy... but by her having a much safer relationship where she can feel that she can trust... That will heal her wounds... Not asking the boyfriend to be more devoted, but by finding a devoted lover... Simple. 

You can ask someone to give you what you need, but not everybody can give it to you. And the one who can give it, will do so spontaneously... Having to ask is a bad start. It means the partner is clueless as to what you need... How can they comply if they don't even know what you need or can't provide it, without you having to go into lengthy discussions? If you have to go out of your way to let them know what you need... then you're just with the wrong person. They can't really understand, or is not in them to give it. Why struggle in vain for something that won't be fixed?

Edited by Esperanto

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I think all of you are right about the situation. I need a boyfriend that can handle and understand my jealousy and that can give me a feeling of security, but I also need to look at my past. I also need to change my thinking and my behavior, because it is right that I will be like that in any future relationship if I don't change my patterns. Most of the time my jealousy comes up when I find something very little and spin a story around it that makes everything seem soooooo suspicious. 
What I don't agree with is that it is the wrong person if you need to tell him or her what you want. No one can read your mind and it is unfair to assume that the person doesn't want to give to you what you need just because they don't know what you want and need... Communication is key, right? 

 I talked to my bf today and said that he needs to accept my jealousy and that it will be a part of me maybe for my whole life. I said that I am working on it but that I can't switch from jealous to never again feeling like that in a day. Sometimes he didn't reply to my messages of concern and he let me alone with my fear and I said that I can't handle that in my life at this time and that he has to understand that or we have to break up, because I can't live in constant fear. I also said that a relationship if I have one is my number one priority and if it is bad or I have a feeling that something is off I can't live my life until the problem is resolved, bc I need harmony in my love life. He took it very serioulsy and I am lucky to have someone that understands me, I just have to say what I want and what I can't handle. I also said that he has to decide for him if he can handle my personality and being withe someone that is naturally more on the needy side. So we will see how this will develope. I am not going to have this conversation again soon, if there is no change I need to be honest with myself and leave. I also found out that I don't have a problem with leaving him or being alone afterwards, instead I am afraid of the pain that will be the result of leaving him. But for now I feel hopeful and a sense of peace. We will see how long that will last. I am so proud of myself!

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I think all of you are right about the situation. I need a boyfriend that can handle and understand my jealousy and that can give me a feeling of security, but I also need to look at my past. I need to change my thinking and my behavior, because it is right that I will be like that in any future relationship if I don't change my patterns. Most of the time my jealousy comes up when I find something very little and spin a story around it that makes everything seem soooooo suspicious.

Esperanto: He is not a bad person, I can understand that it can be too much for him sometimes. He is a person that is not jealous or at least doesn't show it. But he is doing everything he can. We are two young people and we have to learn and grow with our relationship. I for example never learned anything else than being jealous in a relationship or how to handle my anger differently than being passive aggressive.
What I don't agree with is that it is the wrong person if you need to tell him or her what you want. No one can read your mind and it is unfair to assume that the person doesn't want to give to you what you need just because they don't know what you want and need... Communication is key, right?

My mom was a single mom and often lashed out at me when she had a hard day at work. She also gave me away to my grandparents on a regular basis cause she is a nurse and had night shifts. She "gave me away" when I was 4 months old for the first time, she was 19 and still training how to be a nurse. When I was 1 year old, she left my dad with me. When I was 4 I was the first time home alone for a few hours. My dad didn't care much about me when I was little and when I was a teenager my mom was always angry with me because I wasn't cleaning the "right way" when I used the kitchen. She sometimes told me that even my dad didn't want me and she was very critical of me, she compared me to everyone and everyone was better than me. Maybe this has something to do with the jealousy and fear I feel?

I talked to my bf today and said that he needs to accept my jealousy and that it will be a part of me maybe for my whole life. I said that I am working on it but that I can't switch from jealous to never again feeling like that in a day. Sometimes he didn't reply to my messages of concern and he let me alone with my fear and I said that I can't handle that in my life at this time and that he has to understand me or we have to break up, because I can't live in constant fear. I also said that a relationship if I have one is my number one priority and if it is bad or I have a feeling that something is off I can't live my life until the problem is resolved, bc I need harmony in my love life. He took it very seriously and I am lucky to have someone that tries to understand me, I just have to say what I want and what I can't handle. I also said that he has to decide for him if he can handle my personality and being withe someone that is naturally more on the needy side. So we will see how this will develop. I am not going to have this conversation again soon, if there is no change I need to be honest with myself and leave.

I think for now I need some strategies that help me in the moment of a jealousy attack. Distracting doesn't work. So what do you do when you are jealous? Any practical tips?

I am grateful for every reply, thanks a lot ! 

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And that is very good... If you can openly say to him what's bothering you... Let's put things in perspective. I didn't mean to say that you don't have to tell him what you need. Yes, of course communication is very important. I said:  You can ask someone to give you what you need, but not everybody can give it to you. I also said, And the one who can give it, will do so spontaneously... Having to ask is a bad start. And, If you have to go out of your way to let them know what you need... then you're just with the wrong person. All this because, if your partner really cares, they will listen, and they will act upon what you say, when you say openly what you need. But I don't think that you have to tell him many times. If you (have to) explain it several times, it's because he's not really listening, and thus, most probably he won't. 

A good listener needs few words. I don't think you can make someone understand something, and do what's needed, thru sheer repetition alone.  The will to do it is also needed. In love, this can only come from the heart. "Sometimes he didn't reply to my messages of concern and he let me alone with my fears"... This is what I mean. But, you said you talked again, and that now he's listening. And so, the ball is now in his hands. so to speak. All you have to do is sit down and watch carefully :) ~ Obviously, some good progress is to be expected, on his part.

I think jealousy will be a part of you for all of your life. The basic personality does not change. We can improve on the weak spots, but that's about it. We are what we are. So, we need someone who can understand us and accept us, and who can provide what we need, just the way we are... because our personality is not going to change. Not much, anyway.

So, good luck!!! And best wishes :)

 

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Yes, you are right about that. Maybe I didn't understand what you meant earlier properly so thanks for explaining it again!
What I definitely know is that I don't want to say something a thousand times. You a right that someone who would want to listen and understand you would only need one time hearing it. 

Thank you ! :)

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And yes, then it comes from your childhood... You feel fear to be abandoned, and fear of being rejected... because that's what your parents made you feel. While it's good to know the root of the problem, that won't solve it. The solution is on what you do in the future. The past is gone. 

You can work on yourself, so that your reactions are not that unpleasant, as this can drive a lover away from you. No one likes to deal with an ill temper often. That will help a lot. But the main solution is to make you feel wanted and cared for. That can heal you. As I said, a lover who is naturally devoted to you. That will scare the fears away. It doesn't mean you will completely heal. Unfortunately, the traumas from childhood always last for the whole lifetime... But you'll feel a lot better, therefore, your behaviour will also improve noticeably. You will even feel more driven and enthusiastic about behaving better... because he's working hard to keep you happy. We respond a lot better when someone is really there, with us.

3 minutes ago, Milkyway said:

Yes, you are right about that. Maybe I didn't understand what you meant earlier properly so thanks for explaining it again!
What I definitely know is that I don't want to say something a thousand times. You a right that someone who would want to listen and understand you would only need one time hearing it. 

Thank you ! :)

You're very welcome... And as I said, good luck to you!! What you need, will come ;)

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The best tip is to be really close to someone.... There's not much time for jealousy when he's with you, right? If he's always there, you don't have a real reason to worry ;)

You may still try to make up scenarios for jealousy (Example: "Why are you looking at that girl so much?!"), but then, it's your job to try and be reasonable. Problems can only be solved in tandem. Team work. And you'll have to do your part too.

... Not all men would want this level of proximity/closeness. But many will. And this is the only way that you will feel really safe, I think.  No amount of counselling or awareness can cure a deep childhood trauma completely. But a really good environment can reduce the problem to manageable size. 

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I think you should be proud of yourself!

In relationships, I think we need to start out with someone we really get along with, but then we do need to communicate our needs, and we need to work on ourselves too.

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2 minutes ago, Scot said:

I think you should be proud of yourself!

In relationships, I think we need to start out with someone we really get along with, but then we do need to communicate our needs, and we need to work on ourselves too.

Exactly. And we also need someone who will actually pay attention, and will act accordingly. 

Edited by Esperanto
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Hello Milkyway,

Have you noticed any specific pattern of your jealousy ? what are the things you most jealous about?

I agree with Esperanto on where is love and passion there is always be at least some jealousy. 

Often jealousy feels similar to wanting to protect the love one. Milkyway, you're a very beautiful girl. It would surprise me if your boyfriend doesn't feel this wanting to protect towards you. Also if he doesn't show that to you through his actions then it may explain why you feel the way you do.

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