DonkeyCong888

Challenging Soul Family Friendship

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Challenging Soul Family Friendship

Over the past several months I have developed a deep connection to my friend who I feel is a part of my soul family.  This kind of friendship is definitely something I am unfamiliar with, and what makes things a bit more confusing is the fact that I started to develop romantic feelings for her early on.  I intuitively knew that I did not want to act upon those feelings, and I told her about how I was feeling to kind of clear the air around that subject which she was already aware of.  This was good because it was better to talk about it than to leave things unsaid and have this unspoken tension between us, but it ended up making things awkward and I developed some anxiety in relation to being around her.  I realize these kind of deeper relationships can challenge the individuals and bring up alot of things that need to be worked through in order to move on, but it seems like the more I clear up in regards to our friendship the more things come up that cause me to feel anxious and make assumptions about the overall situation.  What also makes things a bit more difficult is that she spends alot of time with this one guy and seems to have a deeper connection with him, and so to top things off now I'm working with some jealousy and envy as well.  We have talked about all of this and she has been incredibly understanding throughout this whole process.

 Recently I told her that I felt the need to distance myself from her for a while because I felt like it would help me work through these feelings of anxiety, worry, jealousy/envy, and depression without constantly projecting these feelings onto her.  It was a rough couple weeks, especially since we go to the same school, have the same friend group, and its a small campus.  So I see her all the time.  I had intense anxiety attacks that brought me to the point of dropping my classes and going home until the retrogrades were over, but I was able to push through and reconnect with myself on a deeper level than I had for some time.  I should also add that throughout the last several months I've been experiencing what a couple people have told me might be a kundalini awakening of some sort, and there's been alot of clearing and shit happening throughout this whole ordeal.  Anyway I worked through quite a bit over those two weeks on my own with the help of rieki, Teal Swan videos, and a final purging where I was vomiting into my sink for 2 hours straight.  After all that I thought I was finally good and we ended up having a deep conversation about everything, like jealousy and how I was trying to meet my needs in a manipulative way.  We then talked about how we might be able to create a more secure connection so that I won't feel as jealous and how we can go about expressing and meeting each others needs.  

So after that I felt good, I felt like I had finally broke through and cleared things up so that there wouldn't be anymore of these feelings getting in the way of just having a deep friendship with her.  But after several days the feelings started to creep back in.  Frustration took over as I thought I was done with it all.  This lead to a feeling of desolate defeat, as I don't know what to do now.  We really haven't talked since that day and I have been anxious about even being around her because I don't want to keep falling into this pattern with her.  Things seem off and my mind is having a field day with all this emotional upheaval.  I know I'm creating all of this for whatever reason, but I just can't seem to figure out how to accept that reason and move forward.  And on top of it all this kundalini awakening thing is constantly shifting things around energetically to the point where I don't know how much is really going on beyond my levels of awareness.  I'm just extremely fucking confused and exhausted by all of this and I don't know what to do with myself at this point.  I'm overwhelmed with all of these emotions, one moment I'm mad as hell, the next I'm huddled in a corner crying.  I'm at the point where I am just distancing myself from everybody until I can bring myself out of this, but I don't know if that's only going to cause more harm than good.  I feel kinda stupid for vomiting all of this on this forum,(especially when I'm probably leaving alot of things out) but I don't know what else to do at this point.  I've done the work, been through the shit, learned to love myself more, yet things just keep getting harder to handle.  I hope someone can offer up some valuable advice, but if not at least I got a chance to channel these feelings in a healthy way.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to do so.   Thanks for reading.

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I thought This was suppose to be posted, Luckily I copied it: Sounds like you've fell in love with somebody hardcore whom doesn't reciprocate the same thing...  She probably has a different vision for her life that doesn't include you.    I have an ex, she was older than I, and i was much more into her, and the relationship just kinda melted after seven months,,, then she moved from Jacksonville to NY for a summer,,, With her ex boyfriend!!!   lol, talk about the worst thing you could do to somebody.   Anyway, she came back to Jax, without her ex, and was maybe hoping to hangout or whatever, but not date,,, and it was all anxious and depressed with her around.  Soon after she came back, there was a wedding to go to with mutual friends, and I brought my own beer least to say I didn't want to risk being sober through that shit.  So i got pretty hammered.   I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're gonna be fucked up for a while, but it's not the end of the world.  However, if you got that Kundalini action going, that's awesome.   The nectar of self-love.    ...  something will happen you'll never see coming  ...  And if you're happy with yourself and your life, that's attractive stuff.   Anyway, don't take your emotions to seriously, you have to laugh at the madness of it all.    ... Lastly, as I ramble,  I'd remind myself, not to make it all about her, you are a give to the World!  Take those world to heart and who know, Maybe you will have your cake and eat it too :-)  

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Hahahaha, thanks man.  I appreciate the feedback.  I'm starting to let go of my attachments and learn to love unconditionally within this situation so I can see the value that is behind all the surface bullshit.  I love how many people can relate to this kinda shit, it's honestly pretty funny.  I guess it just shows how complicated the human experience of emotions can be at times.  Doesn't mean it's not worth it though, I'm grateful to be able to experience these feelings in such depth and I'm also grateful that I am able to see how others have or are feeling these kinds of feelings as well.  It's a blessing, even if it's hard to see it that way.  Much love for reaching out David.  I appreciate that. :)

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