flowlikewater

Marriage Intimacy & Sex

44 posts in this topic

Looking to improve my relationship. Do you feel its possible to use law of attraction to shift everything without your partner's participation in love and romance.

 

Edited by flowlikewater

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My wife and I have recently been having similar issues.  Not exactly the same.  We each bought a copy of "5 Love Languages" and we read chapters and then discussed the chapters.  Her primary love language is called "acts of service".  (Maybe a lot of women find men who do housework to be sexy).  My primary love language is "quality time with an emphasis on talking, sharing, and intimacy".  ( I don't feel like I am expressing love by doing housework)

 

the 5 love languages are

- acts of service

- quality time (either shared activities or talking)

-gifts (but her some flowers or some small gift)

-physical touch (hugs, hand-holding   Not just sex)

-words of affection (praise, appreciation, thank you, I love you etc)

 

Sounds to me like your wife's love tank is low.  Find out how to fill it (her primary love language) and then put some love in her tank.  

Good luck!

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You wrote in your first post "Last night she said to me, "you take all these classes and read all these books but you don't seem to learn anything or make sense as to how I behave"

I assume these classes and books are psychology, self-help, spiritual-growth.  I also assume that she feels despite all your classes and books she feels like you do not understand her.  

Sounds to me like you really are trying to understand her but what I haven't read in your posts is where you ask directly "You are right.  I don't understand.  But I want to know.   Please help me understand".  And then you will have to listen, ask questions to ensure you have it right, validate her feelings.  

Could you read her the posts that you wrote on this forum and have a direct discussion about it? Have you had a direct conversation on exactly these issues?

It is possible that she won't know what the problem is.  Seems to me that there are three big categories that need to filled.  (If someone has another one I would like to know)

1-self-actualization Does your wife have a job she enjoys?   Does she feel a sense of accomplishment in her individual pursuits?   If not, then your whole problem might be right there.  If she feels stuck in a job that is unfulfilling then no amount of "connection" is going to solve her problem.

2-connection to people.  Your wife certainly sounds disconnected from you.  Despite the romantic notion that we can fulfill ourselves with one special person, it isn't true.  Does she have friends?  Is she close to her family?  How does she feel connection?   You didn't say what her primary love language is.  It certainly sounds like physical touch is NOT her primary language. 

3-connection to God or Source.  But seems to me that if she was doing well in category 1 and 2 then a deficit in this category would not be the cause of all the strife you seem to be facing.  

Maybe your relationship is coming to an end. Maybe it isn't. But if you feel confused, make sure you understand what is going on.  And make sure she understands that you are willing to work hard to give her relationship that she wants but you are also willing to work hard to get the relationship that you want.   And you should expect the same from her.

Edited by Scot
  • Upvote 1

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Walt, if our problems are NEVER about the other person then we have to find changes within ourselves to make our situation better.   

Possible changes: 

1- leave the relationship

2- work hard to give your spouse the relationship they want while at the same time work hard to get the relationship that you want. And if you can't get the relationship both of you want then refer to point one.  

3- change your attitude so that you are happy with what you have / what you get.  (Walt, this third option seems to be what you have been hinting at.  But I don't think "find peace within your misery" is very good advice.)

Edited by Scot
Adding a third option

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I have been following LOA: my question is by me just focusing on my vibration and how I feel, could that really shift where she is ?

 

Edited by flowlikewater

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Wow for someone to put this much effort into a relationship is impressive. 

Are you on the same page when it comes to spirituality? what i mean is do you both share the same ideas and believes about the Universe and how it works? do you see that you are a mirror of each other and etc.?

Helping others starts with helping yourself first. At the same time does she want your help?

On 5/7/2017 at 11:46 AM, passionality said:

She also said when we met she was more into sex, but now she is not sure what 

It is very obvious that something has taken place either externally or internally . 

There are a lot of  youtube channels and courses for women/men/couples that help understand each other, restore connections to our femininity /masculinity . Have her research Jade Egg practices for women and decide for herself (google Layla Martin, Adina Rivers, Esther Perel).

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21 minutes ago, Garnet said:

Wow for someone to put this much effort into a relationship is impressive. 

- I have been working on myself a lot. I have seen some patterns of behavior that she triggers by her reactions to my needs, from things that happened to me when I was young and how her dealing with me expressing my needs feeds into that . There have been insights ...

Are you on the same page when it comes to spirituality? what i mean is do you both share the same ideas and believes about the Universe and how it works? do you see that you are a mirror of each other and etc.?

- I believe we do, she comes from a negative side of things, how the world and systems are set up to screw people and cause them not to live life, she will say that the sole purpose of life is to be happy, make yourself happy and enjoy life, yet we have no affectionate, passionate intimacy which is lined up with enjoying life for me, her concepts sound the same but many of what she says makes 100% sense to me except the fact that our relationship seems on hold, that does not line up with enjoying life and doing what makes you happy.

Helping others starts with helping yourself first. At the same time does she want your help?

-Perhaps she does not want help, today I listened to her express that she does not seem to connect with anyone ; friends, people etc ...

It is very obvious that something has taken place either externally or internally . 

-Perhaps both, I see a number of ideas, reasons and influences..but do I have to fix them all for her, because I do not see her progressing in any of them, just working, being tired, being disconnected..perhaps she is no more into affection and sex, as I write this I ask my self WHY is this so important to me, this distracts me from other things in life, but should I just ignore this and be happy with whatever i get in life..are my needs really important, will I get my needs met and when in 3-5 years from now , the impatience stems from the last 4-5 years of these conversations...I feel healthy, energetic and alive- perhaps I am not Rockefeller - but I feel I would be even more inspired with this piece solved or at least seeing progress. I have communicated this directly - but every time I bring it up she makes an issue of exhaustion of her dealing with the conversation and we share feeling without any steps being put in place to work on this .. I have even suggested planning time - with me and her - she will say how can she plan something if she does not feel like it ...

There are a lot of  youtube channels and courses for women/men/couples that help understand each other, restore connections to our femininity /masculinity . Have her research Jade Egg practices for women and decide for herself (google Layla Martin, Adina Rivers, Esther Perel).  _ yes, I have watched perhaps 1000's of videos and read books, but again ONLY i am the one focused on all of this.. 

 

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Walt:

When I read passionality's posts, I see a guy who is trying really hard to be a good husband, is taking personal responsibility, and trying to get closer to his wife and do so on her terms   

What the hell do you see? Apparently you see him as a guy who finger points, is demanding and will push his wife away. 

I think you have completely mis-read passionality.   I think you have done nothing but spout platitudes with zero regard to whether they actually apply to this situation.  If you want to say something useful then actually say something.  

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oh. I did go to a few counselors and relationship coaches .. they requested that my wife come in and she refused to come in at the moment.  Is that how you see this from looking at what I am writing?  How did you come up with self righteousness and martyrdom? 

Edited by flowlikewater

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You have to mindful about this that there's nothing you can say or do that will make her become the person you want in your image. Much like herself and yourself, these changes have to come from within which that person and that person does alone. The greatest gift of strength you can share with her is to be yourself. Live the happiest you can, live as boldly as you can and shine brightly as a reminder for what she fell in love for you for. The power of a convincing sway is lost since you're both essentially "best friends" aswell as lovers. Strive to be yourself, and don't take my word for it, you can feel it within.That inspiration will keep you on your path into the future!

 

Edited by Daemic V
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22 hours ago, walt said:

Scot, I see a guy who comes on a spiritual website, inauthentically calls himself passion, to find people to agree with the passive-aggressive bullying of his wife. You took it hook line and sinker. You have about zero experience but yet here you are confronting someone who is about rip you a new asshole. Is this really how you want this to come down? Is looking more ignorant than you already look what you are after? I want you to consider that you are plenty smart but guessing doesn't work with everything in life. Here's what I suggest, if this guy has enough balls to come back and continue to blame his wife for everything that is wrong with his life, sit back and watch the show because you might actually learn something.

Walt, could you please offer a constructive way to talk about personal problems that involve other people WITHOUT POINTING AT ANYONE of them?

I think it has becoming very common for people to use the word bullying as a great stopping tool that prevents people from opening up. Much easier to do that then to just listen.

 

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