Nanna

The fear of death (ungroundedness, ego death, major depression)

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The fear of death (ungroundedness, ego death, major depression)

So I would like to disscuss about the fear of death that comes from ungroundedness, ego death or major depression. How to differentiate which one is the cause of it?

I have this fear frequently, that I would just vanish, and I'm not sure if it because I am too ungrounded, or if my ego is just changing so fast and I'm trying to hold on to it. Or is it just from the major psychotic depression that I was diagnosed to have. (If anybody has any feeling of which it could be could you please elaborate it to me, thank you <3)

It started a year ago when I was in a very low state meditating almost all the time to run away from my life. I meditated to not have any thoughts and I listened to moojis videos about who I truly am. I started to experience all kinds of stuff, like feeling the energy of the trees and such, and felt very connected to all things. But then the energy started to be too much, I couldn't sleep and was so weak I couldn't go by myself food. I hardly ate anything. I felt this ball of energy going trough me. This all cultivated to me thinking that somehow my liver would explode because of the energy and that I was going to die. I don't really remember all the stuff from that day but I remember in the end realizing that wow, I am actually going to die. I called my mom to say goodbye, who then called the ambulance for me. I peacefully accepted my death and felt suddenly this amazing feeling of love towards all the peolpe in my life. I then laid onto a planket and felt all my energy lifting from my body to the top of my head and quickly back again to my body. By then the medics came (and took me to the psych ward). I felt like my brain had been blown into bits and couldn't really produce any thoughts.

Afterwards I visited a psychic that told that I was quite out of my body, had much of other peoples energy and had a lot of fear from my childhood. I've now had a hard time getting by, which has gotten better by antidepressants, but still I get a very real fear of dying. It doesn't really help that I get sunchronicities from the universe talking about dying.

I fear that if I don't deal with this fear it will manifest into my life. Have you guys had this kind of fear of death or something similar or do you just happen to know what could this mean? Thank you, love and light <3 (:

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Edited by Nanna
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Nanna,

I have a few thoughts here,

Being a Therapist I may have a little bias but I think a lot of it is your depression.  Can you elaborate on the major psychotic depression you are talking about. Most of the time depression is not described that way. Many of the things you describe are classic symptoms of some types of depression. The major shifts in  energy  and mood swings. Your scattered thinking. Your fear of the unknown(death.) The belief that your liver may exploding from a seemingly unidentifiable energy source.

It is good that you are taking antidepressants which have helped you manage your depression, but you may want to do therapy to address you fear of dying. 

Please get back to me,

Sheamus

 

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Hi Sheamus

I'm not sure if this is what you are asking but yes it's been diagnosed as major depression with psychotic features. In the hardest times I ones heard a voice saying to trust it (which wasn't scary, it felt like my psychic ability opening up), I felt I could control the wind with my breath, I thought people were watching me trough the windows, I get messages trough tv radio and from anything really but I've red it's just a spiritual thing, like the universe connecting with you. All the psychotic symphtoms feel very spiritual. I do have a lot of the depressive symphtoms like insomnia, unability to do the little things, irritability and emptiness, feeling of worthlessness, trouble concentrating, suicide idealization and these thoughts about death. I didn't mention that I also have a huge wanting to die, not to kill myself or die physically, but to change and let my ego go. To become one with love and everything.

I don't know, maby I just want it to be something more than just a depression. It sucks so bad and I'm really tired of all of this. I wan't to know I'm getting somewhere with all my spiritual work and not just be a depressed person. I have a therapist I talk to but we haven't really taken a closer look on the thoughts of death, I'll take it up the next time we see.

I have been thinking if it can come from somewhere from my past, I did almost die at the age 13 from alcohol poisoning and didn't really deal with all the psychological and emotional stuff of it. I also feel like surpressing all my emotions as a kid has something to do with it, but I don't really know.

Thank you for replying. I really feel in the need of support and verbal help.

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Nanna,

Please try to separate your spiritual needs from your emotional/psychological needs.  They are not one in the same. How can you take care of your spiritual needs when you are hurting so much with your emotional/psychological needs. In order to get back on track working with your spirituality you need to first heal emotionally and psychologically. I know it's a bitch but that's how it works!

I commend you for the fact that you have been pro-active in getting help with you emotional/psychological need.  It show me that you really do care about yourself and what happens to you in the future.

Please be patient, the process of healing does not happen overnight. Take the time to think of the possibility of having a richer more rewarding life and getting back to working on your spiritual life.

Oh,one more thing,it is often easier to be compassionate towards others that it is towards ourselves! 

Peace,

Shamus 

 

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I wonder when people as a whole will get over this death thing. Because sleeping and death are the same thing, not really but you get what I'm saying, your consciousness leaves your body which is "death" and you can have that experience while still being alive just to see what it really is. The ego does want to hold on a stay alive, even when you are evolving as a person it wants to stay the same because anything new is out of its comfort zone, you trying to change is sort of a threat to this current version of you that wants to stay alive. Death strips all of that in you, and people are like bundle of people a personalities in a body, everyone is and who ever you choose to be or your ego chooses to be subconsciously will want to stay alive, that personality will want to stay alive. The soul in the body is pretty free but in this human body its stuck in all of these personalities and identifies with it the same way people identify with their illness or mental illness, your ego identified with it because someone out side of you gave you that label. you're higher self integrated to your body can fix all that, it really can.

Its usually hard to heal when you want to express an emotion and then someone wants to 1up you with I've had a much harder life, then you cant heal, this other person just stopped your whole healing process, then you get suppressed even more to cry or get angry which ever emotion that wants to come up. You need someone to be with you completely in how you feel and give you permission to feel that way otherwise nothing is healing and your pain isn't valid so you keep it inside and make it worse, other people can make this worse also, like family or a boyfriend/girlfriend that doesn't allow you to feel or you should be sad about that.

Id love for anyone in the mental health department to at least try ayahuasca otherwise you don't even have the model down of how this place works and consciousness, and how spirituality or what people call spirituality is life itself, the spiritual stuff and seeing other dimensions is just letting you see the design of this place, in this current model they just label that as crazy, when its just a part of the design... its just when people intellectualize everything and become all brain they aren't even in tune with their emotions so they cant even help you "heal", a brain can not help you heal. Get a therapist that is very emotionally intelligent otherwise they are going to try to solve the problems with intellect and that shit doesn't work because its always an emotional problem, thinking all day to try to solve the problem does nothing. Find someone that can be with you and all of your emotions and doesn't tell you to stop feeling that way. I think teals completion process thing deals with that, I haven't done it, but that's a good tool. It's okay to feel however you want. sorry if this made the fear worse or anything like that, not my intention.

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Alex 7,

Your post just reinforces your ignorance about the practice of good effective therapy and none of your spiritual "mumbo jumbo" will change that.

1st) There is no such thing as a mental health "department", I would love to know where you came up with that?

2nd) There is a big difference between an "analyst" and a "therapist".  It's obvious that you don't know the difference between the two. If you did you won't be spewing your ignorant views and opinions here.

3rd) When did you become an expert in the how to express emotions? A therapist does not give "permission" to express emotion,they create a safe and supportive environment for the person to do so.

4th) You are promoting a mind altering drug with hallucinogenic properties to a person who may be suffering the affects of having just used one.   

5th) Your last sentence says it all. Your lack of insight about how your ignorant views, of something you know nothing about, may have created the harm you say you intended not to do.

It's interesting how a therapist's first commitment to their clients is to do no harm,you may want to think about that. 

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It's about a severely weak ego (sense of self), and subsequently lack of a sense of boundaries, which subsequently results in hyper-empathy. The dissociation helps you develop psychically in a way but you're also feeling the shadow aspect of it too.

Craving oblivion is a feature that is often found in people considered to be on the schizophrenic spectrum  - such as schizotypical or especially schizoid. I am just pointing out these labels as a reference, and to draw attention to the pattern of "weak ego" here.

What's it about? Deep wounding, likely from childhood during ego development years. I suspect in your case it is a bit more than just emotional neglect. It may be so early that it is beyond your conscious memory (this is not necessary for healing).

Using spirituality to escape is an obvious feature here, you don't have to be psychic to see that. It's something you're desperate about and that's a clear sign that you're running hard and fast away from something. The synchronicities are mirroring your suppressed subconscious needs to you. Its unlikely you'd manifest an actual death from all this ideation - just more fear.

Yes you do need to ground big-time, and look at your boundaries - they're all over the place. Grounding will help with that. If you're developing psychically and it is uncomfortable, then you must ground before proceeding further with the psychic development.

Personally I ignore diagnoses of depression because I see it as pure symptom and not an objective illness in the slightest. I will never believe that "some people are just wired that way". People don't get depressed "just because". There's always a reason. In your case there are deeper reasons which will probably become more clear if you can release your grasping to the need for it to be something more. Would it really be so bad if you just felt absolutely terrible within yourself and not have it be about anything "spiritual"? Can you just be depressed and that's it?

You are averse to being connected with your body because that's where trauma is stored. If you want to heal then you have to commit to your body first and feel whatever you're feeling. I could only recommend giving spiritual things a rest for now - focus on your body. The two aren't separate but you are separating spiritual from physical (as many do) thereby creating a dichotomy of "one is bad the other is desirable". Spirituality is about integration and reconciliation... not about castration from the physical.

Teal has many videos about how to feel and integrate. I think in this case just follow the synchronicities and drop directly into the oblivion that you are afraid of. This will be very uncomfortable but also a great relief.

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Kroge,

Excuse me but I an having difficulty wrapping my head around your post. Where did you come up with the terms"weak ego" and "hyper-empathy?" Are you a Psychologist,Therapist or Social Worker? Is there some place I can research these terms? Matter of fact what special skills do you have in diagnosing one's ego strengths,emotional state and childhood trauma? How did you come to the conclusion that you "suspect" that in her case it is a bit more than just emotional neglect? What makes you believe there was any emotional neglect to begin with? 

Do you know what I think? I think you're a charlatan,a fake and a phony. I think it builds up your ego to play "amature" Therapist. I am blown away by you being so arrogant as to think you can diagnosis anyone without meeting them face to face. I can go on and on but I think you know what I am getting at.

Nanna...I apologize but I will no longer be responding to any of the posts here,the flow of bullshit going on is just getting a little too deep for me.

If you wish we can keep in touch,I have no problem with that.

Sheamus 

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7 hours ago, Sheamus said:

Kroge,

Excuse me but I an having difficulty wrapping my head around your post. Where did you come up with the terms"weak ego" and "hyper-empathy?" Are you a Psychologist,Therapist or Social Worker? Is there some place I can research these terms? Matter of fact what special skills do you have in diagnosing one's ego strengths,emotional state and childhood trauma? How did you come to the conclusion that you "suspect" that in her case it is a bit more than just emotional neglect? What makes you believe there was any emotional neglect to begin with? 

Do you know what I think? I think you're a charlatan,a fake and a phony. I think it builds up your ego to play "amature" Therapist. I am blown away by you being so arrogant as to think you can diagnosis anyone without meeting them face to face. I can go on and on but I think you know what I am getting at.

Nanna...I apologize but I will no longer be responding to any of the posts here,the flow of bullshit going on is just getting a little too deep for me.

If you wish we can keep in touch,I have no problem with that.

Sheamus 

If you have difficulty understanding my post (which you didn't), then try directly asking for clarification about what I said instead of a series of loaded, rhetorical questions that amount to nothing more than "who do you think you are you little shit".

Where did I come up with those terms? My pre-frontal cortex. I only have a glancing interest in using clinically accurate terms; it's enough for me that my words are linguistically accurate to the point that anyone can read them and understand them without needing to research the terms. Not everyone has had the great honour of being educated for decades in the American medical system, so please forgive the rest of the world if we use different terminology or conceptualize of psychology in a different way. However, you can indeed Google these terms if your English comprehension is so narrowed that you don't understand them on first glance.

You are correct, it does build up my ego to play amateur/amature therapist. I treat it like a game. Psychology is interesting and I like poking around in people's heads to see what I can or can't accurately discern. It's interesting, just like any other science or system is interesting. I am indeed a charlatan, fake or phony in the sense that I have not been priveleged enough to gain such an esteemed education and impressive work history as you have. Everything I know about psychology is entirely self-studied. And yes, I'm a millenial too. Sorry if I'm making your blood vessels pop.

I won't answer the rest of your "how do you know that" questions because they're obviously loaded and rhetorical. I'm answering the lady because she asked for help on a forum. If some kind of psycho-analysis wasn't what people wanted then they wouldn't post here. The nature of posting online is that you can take or leave anything that anyone says at any time; it's all pure opinion and perspective and at no point have I ever diagnosed anyone online or in-person, ever. Bypassing stuff you don't resonate with is as easy as scrolling down or clicking X. Maybe you should let it slide and I'll let your clinical "it's just down to depression" stuff slide as well.

I get it, you've given over decades upon decades of your life to your profession and waking up to the fact that it's not the be-all and end-all that you thought it was is hard. It's a not-insignificant type of ego death. I think you'll be an excellent psychologist once you go more right-brained and shake off the left-brain narrowing that your lifestyle and education has hemmed you into.

Edited by Kroge

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This is the last and only time I will respond to your bizarre and ridiculous posts. 

Psychology is not a game, you don't "play" with it like a toy and anyone who "truly" understands the science of Psychology knows that.

Just the fact that it you admit it builds up you ego by "playing" with it, shows you are a truly are a fake and phony charlatan who is narcissistic too.

The fact that you say you are "self-studied" in Psychology just goes to show what an "amature" you are. No reputable person who know Psychology would brag about being "self-studied."

I could give a shit if you are a millennial or not! But I guess in your skewed brain it was important to tell me that.

Who are you to decide if a person want some kind of psycho-analysis? Are you God or "all knowing?"

What you are doing in harmful not helpful. Giving people advice in something you know nothing about is just playing with their heads,nothing more.

Buy the way,if you "were" a Licensed Practicing Psychologist in America what you are doing is considered malpractice. You would be sued,stipped of you License and possibly put in jail. There is a reason Doctors and Psychologist here make an oath to "do no harm" because they are professionally bound  to do so.

What you are doing is playing God and you will pay for in the end.

 

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6 hours ago, Sheamus said:

This is the last and only time I will respond to your bizarre and ridiculous posts. 

Psychology is not a game, you don't "play" with it like a toy and anyone who "truly" understands the science of Psychology knows that.

Just the fact that it you admit it builds up you ego by "playing" with it, shows you are a truly are a fake and phony charlatan who is narcissistic too.

The fact that you say you are "self-studied" in Psychology just goes to show what an "amature" you are. No reputable person who know Psychology would brag about being "self-studied."

I could give a shit if you are a millennial or not! But I guess in your skewed brain it was important to tell me that.

Who are you to decide if a person want some kind of psycho-analysis? Are you God or "all knowing?"

What you are doing in harmful not helpful. Giving people advice in something you know nothing about is just playing with their heads,nothing more.

Buy the way,if you "were" a Licensed Practicing Psychologist in America what you are doing is considered malpractice. You would be sued,stipped of you License and possibly put in jail. There is a reason Doctors and Psychologist here make an oath to "do no harm" because they are professionally bound  to do so.

What you are doing is playing God and you will pay for in the end.

 

OK, thanks for educating me about what psychology means to you and how my actions don't align to your principles. If you want to address any of my points or argue anything about psychology with me, feel free. Otherwise I'm not interested in hearing more about your personal opinions.

The original poster in this thread specifically asked for people's input - more than once, in clear terms. That's an invitation for psycho-analysis.

Your oath is hot garbage and everyone knows it. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time coming to terms with all the malpractise that you yourself have perpetrated over your career, but this is your chance to come to terms with that.

If you think I'm being destructive then here's your chance, Mr Big-Shot American Doctor. Why don't you demonstrate directly what prowess you have by replying to my posts point-by-point, in a scientifically critical way, instead of this boring ad hominem stuff. You're a trained and highly experienced psychologist, and I'm not, so this should be easy for you. Stop telling me your opinion about my "malpractise" and start telling me where, why and how I'm wrong, as specifically as you can. That's the only way to shut me up, so take it or leave it.

Psychology is a game to me, but maybe that's because it comes so easy. Sorry it's such hard work for you.

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Thank you all for your imput in this. I guess I'll update a little.

I've taken some of the advice. I've now started to ground myself daily with meditation, rocks and laying on the grass. It has at times given me so much energy / released stuff that I've had trouble sleeping, feeling like I'm electric, but overall it has given me a better feeling in my body.

I've also started to care for my needs along with the spiritual need I've been meeting. I realized when talking to a nurse here at psych ward that living alone in my apartment makes me feel that I don't belong to anything. So I've applied Teals technique from her last episode on meeting needs to my need of belonging. I think I manifested this nice lady in the psych ward - that has the same exact diagnosis as I - to get to know each other. In the ward I've also gotten support in all of this.

I getting there with starting to accept the depression. More and more of the symphtoms are appearing to be what other depressed people have gone trough and that kind of gives validation that yeas, it's something not that ground braking spiritual thing.

I've not really given up with the spiritual stuff as I was called to start reading Paul Seligs channeled book called The Book of Mastery book one. It's basically about changing your identity as the self. Now I'm on a part where one dissolves the illusion of seporation. So I've continuously reflected these days on the fact that I as the self created everything and that everybody else is me also. I really want to know myself as the self and become a creator of my own world. For now I'm taking a break from the reading as the energy feels a bit much (the book creates a energetic shift in the one reading) and am more into making human connection and othervise visualizations.

I don't feel the fear when with others but alone it creeps up. Lately I've also felt that life is too heavy to cope with. I quess that's quite normal these days.. My loneliness when living alone feels like hell but I've started to work on that. I'm probably going to a place where other people healing from mental stuff live also. 

I'm still not sure how to get my boundaries into a good place. I did Teals healthy boundaries meditation but it didn't really feel like it suited me.

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