AbsoluteWave

Depression and Lonilness

29 posts in this topic

I'm going to bring it up that even from others information.  I am indeed chronically depressed.
( so despite of my optimistic personality and my " mental disabilities" )  along with my past experiences, have made me quite a strange person.

I've also went through something rather annoying and ended up with two less friends than I already had ( next to nothing )



( I'm rather depressed every day despite how happy I can get in a day.  seems more like a distraction and I recall that nothing actually got better )


I've experienced next to no friendships throughout my entire life.  if anything, a few acquaintances or strong friendships that lasted until people moved and the other never sends me a message unless I message them and so on.  that's always the case with me and in many cases it is obviously me becoming annoying or less interesting as they the once thought.

Or we just stop talking all together.  fine and all but damn... So many liars about.  even when I can see they are doing other things, scheduling whatnot.  displaying their friendship and so on.  I've only got like 3 GOOD friends who I know wouldn't actually ditch me and so on.  so i actually don't mind it when they are suddenly silent for a while or longer.




Even before my biggest depressions, seeing others happy and so on bring me much joy.. specially if i'm the one who brings some form of it.


And being the person that I am and would imagine myself to me.. passionate, compassionate, empathe0tic, trustworthy... and so one.. much of which I only take on the title from what others have said about me and so on.

Main reasons why I don't say such things about myself is because how angry i can get and so on.

That remind me that I am NOT kind... i am NOT sweet...  Despite even the smallest spark of something gives me hope and so on.




(I shouldn't have said anything and nobody would have seen this mess of a post and other users would only see what's been around the forum up til now.  I'm a poor excuse for anything to be honest... which is why I try to not vouch anything in my " worthless" name
Though I am worth alot to many people that still doesn't erase how useless I actually am.  not even to myself.  I'm not particularly amazing to around 24 7 where as other people seem to just be somebody who you want to be with and prove you right every day.. x.x )



 

What makes an attractive person?

Their race?

Their family?

Their job?

Their qualifications?

Black sheep of the family.  black sheep of a family that was cut off from the greater portion of the tree.

I can hardly take care of myself ( I reckon I could do much better now, but still )

My personality is lacking an damaged.
Despite how badly I wish to be a great person perhaps others would like to aspire to be.  And seems like a long shot to think
 I'm like somebody else rather than simply aspire to be like specific people who just beam lights of true hospitality and so on.

 

I mean, I grew up in a rather strange but well off family but everything was so dysfunctional, mainly on my part.

Always compared to my older nephew and almost practically demanded i be more like him and follow in his footsteps

But also more and more I figured out that this " you're the baby of the family " was souly to be somebody who wont leave the house
 and so on when one of my older brothers has been living with us since before I was even born, so...

And he is hard to live up to.. ever since elementary, perfect grades, super athletic, loved by everybody and his teachers.  
respected as a human being

Even to this day almost all of his friends from elementary are people who are still his friend NOW.  
Even hang out with him often, travel to see him.  ACTUALLY follow through with plans and shiet like that.

Not to mention he easily became manager of a restaurant in Vancouver BUT also now runs his own business and so on.

And for the longest time, has this wonderful girlfriend I wonder why she's even with that scum.

But as I have said many times before with other things.  seems like his truer side shows off to everybody else but with me he cntinues
to torment and tease me.

Oddly enough, after I told his girlfriend about my " gayness" of which she was fine with and so on, that it turns out he didn't care either but he doesn't seem to care that it means alot to me and my parents would most likely disown me if they fully accepted the fact.

Specially my older sister who I admire alot and out of them all, she's the one I'm closest with.  besides my mother.. >_>''

I guess I'll just wait a little longer until the shift into 4d before anything cam be truly positive in my life.




Not like I should really care since I LOVE being alone anyway.. also RATHER it this way.  not just cause of my influence on people.  I'd rather be somebody that looks nice on the first glance..  Whether or not I'll become fully healed in time...  I just want everyone else to be happy.  Witnessing world peace will be more than enough for me.

Edited by AbsoluteWave
  • Upvote 2

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You are not alone. 

Here is my take on it:
Each and every one of our personal experiences/lives are different we choose to come to this Physical Plane to facilitate our expansion from these particular experiences. You chose the family your were born into, as there are things we wanted to experience and learn from observing and experiencing their life paths along with them.  As 'humans' we tend to take everything personally and resent things we observe as better in other peoples lives. In order to fully appreciate our own life trajectory, it helps to accept that we are exactly where we need to be to experience and learn from our life lessons. I, as I am sure many people do, find I often tend to feel sorry for myself because I am not living what I observe to be someone else's 'better life'.  It took me a very long time to accept that my life is perfect just the way it is at this moment and that just loving it and loving myself and not 'wishing' I was like anyone else went a long way towards making me feel more content. 

I understand where you are coming from as far as having 'friends' goes. Really close friends that stay connected to me constantly are not something that I seemed to pick up along the way on my life path here this time around. I do make friends and many of them I have known for many years and I do love them but we are all content to just connect randomly if not continually. I do admit that when I am in contact with people that are 'close friends' that have been together since childhood and are always in touch and do things together all their lives I am a bit envious, this also includes observing very close families that do everything together (which my family does not) however I know this is not what I chose my experience of this life to be like this time and perhaps I will choose to experience that next time I am here, as I am pretty sure I will choose to come back again for another round LOL. I know crazy! I also have come to realize that although I sometimes envy those I observe as having close constant friends, I personally value my alone time more than I value having a large group of constant companions as I would rather not expend all my energy into maintaining these close/constant relationships I am to busy expending my energy doing other things with my life, if I truly valued having a plethora of close friends I would have them. 

Always try and remember 'YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE' 

 

Edited by CherieJ
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@CherieJ Thank you for those kind words but I'm still wondering how I could tweak my post to give a proper start to finish sort of story.  Alot of what you advised me to do, I already do that.  Lol.

Edited by AbsoluteWave

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SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M BONKERS BUT I THINK I'M FREEEE~!

I knew I didn't bring across the right things.  I was a bit emotional when I even made this post.  Thank you for your comments though.. I DO move my feet alot just so you guys know.. I do more than that sometimes.  And I don't know the first thing when it comes to chanting.  I just do what feels right for me and my infinite body/mind/soul, and spirit.

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4 hours ago, Amit said:

What about the chanting from base chakra?

 

???

@AbsoluteWave please invite me to your place...we will move the feet together

I'd like to invite you but I'm rather scared of new people.  Any of you may be at a higher frequency than me but that's a good thing but part of what scares me.  Are you near Landgraaf - Netherlands?

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No man I am not near Netherlands. I am in middle east. And dont get scared of me.....I am totally harmless. Accept my connection with you. Love

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Just now, Ana said:

That's all that matters my dear :) 

See..  That's where I am getting confused.. perhaps needlessly...  :  I seriously lack or forgotten upon coming into this life, how to do such miraculous things.  I'm just going o get more physical movement and human interaction going.  specially when my our new home has been fully reconstructed and the garden and surrounding area to be tended to and so on.  I've already got alot of things growing in our current bedroom.  Three flourishing Avocado trees, a bunch of Kiwi plants too, some apples, lemons, limes and even a mango and a passion fruit plant. Annnd I think a few cherries too. some more avocado's that have yet to fully crack open, may need a bit of help in the end like one.  I'm surrounded by nature and having helped nurture these wonderful lifeforms.  I've also had a few visions where the garden will become an epicenter of love, light, sanctuary, and all that good stuff.

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4 minutes ago, Amit said:

No man I am not near Netherlands. I am in middle east. And dont get scared of me.....I am totally harmless. Accept my connection with you. Love

Lol.  I'll more likely fall for you rather than be scared of you.  >;3

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5 hours ago, Amit said:

@AbsoluteWave i see that you are not expressing yourself to the closest people that you already value. Are you married or in love? 

I actually do express myself regardless of who I am around and I've made it clear to my mother who already KNOWS full well that I am gay.  So it's mainly all up to her how she continues to treat me and so on ( which is well and good but could really be better.  I'm fine with it since my family is changing for the greater and all this might become a part of it.. if not.  I am content the way things are over there and I love them for who they are.

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5 hours ago, Amit said:

And you have said that you are gay...is that true?

Doesn't it make you happy?

Of course I am happy with being gay.  I didn't really choose to be.  and I mean that.  I'm NATURALLY rainbowcolored.  BUT it doesn't mean I can't have relationships with any sort of person, etc.

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Happy and its really nice to hear that. When we meet, please dont forget to give me tight hug....

 

 

And not from behind! 

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Again about the expressing myself to those I value thing.  In accordance to my family.  I cannot change or control the way my family thinks and behaves but I do seize opportunities when I actually get a clear shot at.  But staying there is also what made me as loopy as I am.. xD  SO I'm glad to be out but remaining within reach.  I've been planning to go see my sister who's been living in Cuba for the past 6 or more years.

Now she is somebody I wish to get on my side ad with her influence within our immediate family, it will go much easier if i actually make it a point to be accepted as a homo. xD  but to me it doesn't matter since I am not a label, I'm not a number, I'm not a race, I'm not a religion, I'm not a political party, etc.  Again.. I ma content where I am and where I'll be headed!... shall i remove this thread or... just edit my content?

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3 minutes ago, Amit said:

Happy and its really nice to hear that. When we meet, please dont forget to give me tight hug....

 

 

And not from behind! 

Why not from behind?  I'm more of a natural bottom anyway so you don't need to worry too much.  I'm sure you got a wonderful behind and it should be HUGGED immensely!  >;p

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