Jerry Tyfting

Abusive turn on

6 posts in this topic

It basically is what it sounds like in the title.
Some part of me gets turned on while imagining a woman saying that they don't want to. If I let go and allowed me to act on that feeling it is plain abuse and disrespect.
This actually works the same if I masturbated to that thought of refusal....which my body gets turned on by...*sigh -.-'

Its kinda understandable. These kinds of things where barely spoken of on any deeper level when I grew up. As far as I know of my mom wasn't really interested in sex, but my father was.
He had very basic beliefs about it though, mostly that sex was meant for reproduction and less so for pleasure. I feel unsure actually how their dynamic in bed was, the topic is something that felt bad talking about with them. Shame if I got the feel right. They said we could talk about everything but the emotions where way too shameful to genuinely do that. 
 

Add to this that my mom showered me until I was 15. I mean as a boy growing into his teen years, mom definitely felt weird and it showed when she showered my sensitive areas. It was only a quick hover with the shower head over there and nothing more. It felt as if it was to be avoided. More shame on her part I guess that I got influenced by. At times I didn't even want to let her shower me but since it was the only way of life I knew I had no idea of the damage that was done at the time.

I even flat out said that I did not want to at times but she kept pushing until I gave in. Maybe she did not want to shower me in the first place...she did scrub my body in general though but it still felt unwanted at times.  She did this to present herself as a "good mom" to the rest of the world with clean children.
Now this treatment once a week, with times I really wanted it but other times I did not. It was the closest I have ever gotten a womans touch at the time. Which could explain why this sort of abuse feels "on turning" for me. It feels familiar and to be fair I have only recently had 1 chance of re-experience physical touch that where a little bit healthier.

Since I barely have to no other intimately close physical experience with women, this is something that I believe are one of the only ways to be healed though physical interaction, to learn of healthy boundaries and emotional spaces that does feel more positive.

Thanks for reading. I just felt in a sharing mood with what is going on in my thought processes sorting through what is happening. 

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I hear what you're saying. I don't really know how to help on this one, but I can say that I had -maybe still have- a similar issue, which is that my body gets turned on when I am disrespected or for things that i don't want it to be turned on but I have no control over it, it seems like my subconscious is controlling it.

Thinking about it... I might be wrong, but it might be something to do with control, the feeling of power, of having control over the other person?

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@ste92kIn one of Teals videos, she says that we are sexually attracted to our subconscious idea of intimacy. She also said that we can change this subconscious programming. 

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2 minutes ago, Adam said:

@ste92kIn one of Teals videos, she says that we are sexually attracted to our subconscious idea of intimacy. She also said that we can change this subconscious programming. 

Hi Adam, thank you, could you link me the video? I'd really like to watch it!

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@AdamI saw this video too. Which is why I'm practicing going in to those questions of what it is exactly I feel so turned on by. Got a pretty good idea currently and have already done some reprogramming work. Not enough to change it completely yet it seems though.

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