Tortuous Thoughts

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Some time ago I started to get interested in spirituality, I saw many videos of Teal, I started meditating daily, then when my interest grew I looked for other youtubers who talk about the same theme.
Unfortunately, I found youtubers who treat the subject spirituality but focused on the negative side, about the low astral, about how they can attack you while you sleep, everything is danger, etc.
I saw those videos because I am and I was always very curious, but after seeing them I began to distrust everything and stopped meditating.

First of all I would like to tell my origin from fear. It originates from a trauma of when I was a child, in fact it has nothing to do with the spiritual original trauma, which is sexual in fact, but as a girl instead of reacting to trauma with anguish or depression, I reacted with fear, Which was later repressed, until now.
It is not a specific fear, but the fear in general to be damaged in some way, whatever it is.

What is happening to me recently is that my thoughts are soaring, and I can not take control of them. That is, while doing an ordinary task, as now that I am writing this text, I cross a word or image. (They are almost always words), that is repeated constantly, I can not keep silent, I can not control it, I can be a week with a word in my mind, all those words always generate fear, for example: I cross the word "demon" and then I can not forget it and I'm a whole week with the word in my mind, like a woodpecker drilling my head.
And I can not face it, I do not know how to do it, it always comes back when I least expect it.

Long ago I made a tarot card Osho Zen, if someone uses these letters could give me a better interpretation, this was what came out:

1-Here and Now: Control
2-Letter of Resistance: Breakthrough
3-Intuition: Silence
4-Response intelligence to emotion: Beyond Illusion
5-Answer: The Avar
6-Relaxation and acceptance: Receptivity.
7-New level: Fatigue

Edited by karinar

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2 hours ago, walt said:

Karinar, the answers you seek are not intellectual in nature. Our feelings hold our wounds and that is where we must look for healing.

Yes, I really feel that I have to face the fear, but it is difficult when you feel that when you face it you are in danger

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1 hour ago, Damon is Awesome said:

check out Eckhart tolle and mooji they will definetly help u out with these thoughts. and check out teals video on disidentification



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