JamieD

How to stop holding resistance to life?

7 posts in this topic

How to stop holding resistance to life?

Hi everyone. Sorry if this gets long and grim I'm just trying to see if somebody has another perspective that could help me. Thank you for reading.

I'm a 17 year old who has been on the computer from ages 8 to now without parent intervention which is where I had discovered massive amounts of information on all types of religion and other things... and since age 10 from meeting a pagan that catapulted me to research every religion under the sun coming from a household with barely any religious/atheist influence mostly agnostic and then I found the new age. I'm not too into crystals since I haven't experienced sensations with them however I got myself to see peoples auras to the point of LAYERS with different colors. I've felt stimulation in my forehead/thirdeye from binaural beats and meditation to the point I don't need those anymore to stimulate it just a calm mind. I've gotten messages passed through psychics to loved ones, to me since I don't go out too much which were true they mentioned I had a heart problem and I didn't tell anyone because it was minor and thought it would go away but it keeps coming back in pains every once in a while and is shockingly true. So what it comes down to is I've been wanting to suicide for some time now. Like over 2 years. An no I'm not too obsessed with spirituality, it's a part of me, but I'm more of a journalist type researching EVERYTHING but no longer want to be that due to the censorship an now I just feel like there's nothing to look forward to. Don't really want anything other than a release from this existence.

I've talked to school counselors, gone to mental hospitals "looking for help" and finding none. Then went through a couple cognitive behavioral therapists which didn't really help. I've read thousands of anecdotes off many websites of those affected by suicide and those who want to do it and even videos of people weeping about it and feel no resistance to the idea. Yeah I've watched every Teal video, I even got the completion process book the last 1 they had in storage and I'm not too sure it is for me since it's not a specific trauma for me like war in Afghanistan just an overall accumulation of life, the 18 steps are quite clever though. I've already dipped my foot in the water, put my finger in many pies and now I feel like I just missed a bus stop to death. Don't care if I reincarnate. I just want a painless way out. Drain my blood, scoop out my organs, and use my skeleton as decoration in a science class. I really have nothing holding me back and I've tried grounding many times it didn't work. Don't want to be homeless, nor a leech off family/government, nor a escort, I like writing but not to the point I'd care doing it my whole life even though it's my only calling. I bet it's due to all the years of using a keyboard daily. I've tried exercise and do it time and time again, my diet has entirely changed and my music gets as depressing as Enya lol so I don't think it's too much of a negative environment. Still in school, tried to get out with proficiency exam decided not to, and online school just couldn't happen, now I just don't know what to do anymore. Self sabotaging my grades. My parents are divorced so I live only with one of them an they're not really all that fluent in English even though they've been living in the US over 20 years... basically foreign tv, foreign friends, and memorized lines for work so we have barely a connection other than with food and she eats a bunch of meat & bread so it's kinda fading.

What would you do in my situation? I hate the fact we need so much sleep (I've been staying up until 3 AMish since I was 9) so I feel like I'm always missing out. We need food for this pathetic machine. Requires damn hygiene which is a massive B. If I don't plan to go out I just wash my face, pits, hands, and keister everything else too much work and that can be for days. An haircuts, and nails, and human interaction. People deal with people all their lives and don't know how to properly work with them. 2017 and this is sad. Progress is slow in humanity which is so sad. Anyways... idk anymore. I'm here as a last resort kind of. Tomorrow I'm going into a psychiatrist appointment hopefully to find chemicals that help me cope better in a existence I don't want to be in :D. I understand create your own reality. It's great tool, however I don't want a human one and everyday feels like a rude awakening. Tried getting into alignment, the pros don't outweigh the cons and I have nearly nothing than music I'd want to live for. So I don't see why I shouldn't kms. What would you do? Thank you for your time regardless if you even read this far.

Ask any questions if you feel it'll help or are someway related. I'm serious about finding a way to either fully embrace life or give in to death. Tired of living with one foot in life and one foot in death. 

Edited by JamieD
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Introspective and authentic very nice. If only seeing things from source perspective were so easy. Youre doing a great job! I attempted suicide more than I can remember so I know the feeling. Came on here cause I couldn't sleep and Wala saw your post and feel synchronicity. Thank you for sharing and hope you find the answers youre looking for. 

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I've gone through a simillar type of experience. Tho the reasons differ and I where about 25 when all this started, so my starting point were a bit diffrent too. With all that said. I have/had a lot in common with the way you're thinking and how you react. I like to research stuff that interests me A LOT and try to collect as mutch information as possible from diffrent perspectives.

And it was actually bacause of thiese bad cerkumstances that made me get into meditation and mindfullness work.

My solution was to use meditation as a tool to get in kontroll of my feelings and to make sure that I was as calm and collected as possible when taking decissions.

The secound step where to give myselfe a goal to work towards. This goal is to move to China and train martial arts full time for at least 1 year. I have not reached this goal yet because of economical reasons and that my body has not recuped enough before now. The goal with this jurney is mostly to "get away" from everything in my life and give me some time for myself  - a kind of soulsearch jurney.

And the third step were to reserch enlightenment and to try and really embrace it since during my meditations I found that I where going in the same direction and that that I felt that this MIGHT be the right direction for me.

 

I'm not saying that thiese are the right stepps for everyone. Rather I doubt that this is the right path to walk for most people. However, the process is the important thing. Break the "question" up in smaller easier parts and start to figure out them one tiny step at a time.

You are also a resercher by heart. Try the diffrent methods out that you have reserched that seems to might hold some answer to your serch. Embrace the parts that work and go on to the next topic and take the good stuff from that part aswell. After some time you start to get a "system" of answers that might be one step in the right direction.

 

I know it can be hard to keep the spirit up at times. (Trust me, i know) But with hard work and dedication you will find your answers and find hope in time.

Be patient, be persistent.

 

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We all have our cirkumstances and we all tackle them diffrently. Just because something feels farfetched for you, it is verry real to some. We are diffrent after all.   : ) 

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yeah life is very frustrating when you are one of the sensitive people, it sucks waking up to the reality of life and how disconnected it is and how disconnected people are with their emotions, you want to crawl in a ball and say just kill me, fuck people, fuck this place let them burn it down again and again, the new souls(evolved loving souls) coming in die off because of how fucking brutal it is here, they get sick and because we are so fucking selfish in our own reality and not think as a whole we don't ask why are these people getting sick? they are me... why is this part of me getting sick? oh I cant express, people are too aggressive, energy is over whelming, they cant reach a standard so they have low self worth, the food and water is poison for their sensitive system, all this shit people ignore and its annoying. Not all people are like that, there are some beautiful people trying to help humanity but goddamn they are out numbered. humans being born with  a higher consciousness than normal and they want to kill themselves, way to go humans.... not even humans, just society and programming at a early age. We give kids candy, what the fuck is that? to fuck up my teeth? give me horrible food to fuck up my body? pill me up to fuck up my emotions? My higher self is on but I can not relate to people, they don't give a fuck what I have to say, but my blue print is to teach source perspective and what consciousness states can allow the body to do, but I has so much resistance knowing how much programming is in people and what they think of me, my race, my status, my body, the way I speak, all of this that means nothing to me but I have to hear the projections, I'm not going to kill myself, but I have so much resistance to my blue print, I resist so much. Teal has said indigos and crystals don't live very long because of their resistance, that sucks....

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1 hour ago, walt said:

Playing the victim is very common indeed. We have a very intelligent wounded seventeen year old who lives in their head. They come on this board not for advice but to convince us to agree with them. You took it hook, line, and sinker.

The answer this person is looking for is not in intellectual repartee but in the feeling body.

You two would make an excellent codependent couple.

 If I was looking to play the victim would I really be looking for advice to get out of my maze of a mindset?

There is no need to look for people to agree with me when I know for certain they know what's happening in the world, I was simply stating it to vent. Pointless to preach excessively to the choir. Almost every problem a person has experienced has been experienced by another ranging in intensity, people have lived before me, I'd think someone would know a potential solution. I've tried the tragic yahoo answers, reddit, and even the classic youtube. I've been putting off making an account on this site but finally had enough with that and just got it done.

If I'm in victim mentality then what would you say could put me in winner or "striver" mentality?

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Hi Jamie D,

 To watch all Teal videos is the same as to  swallow all drugs from pharmacy shop at the same time.  You're on the way to identify your self and desperate looking for self validation, spinning your thoughts and trying to match media files instead to go and integrate outside in to real life.  I think the Completion Process is to early for you, get Shadows before Down, first. Get mp3 or printed version instead video process Lost and 10 steps to be found. Also before you decide something crucial recommend to watch movie Seven Pounds, that makes to understand what's the true value of your organs. At least you on right page, stay in tune. 

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