Dirty_Harry

Finding a Starting Point

6 posts in this topic

Finding a Starting Point

I would appreciate some alternate perspectives on my situation from anybody who cares to comment.  Often, just throwing out ideas, possibilities, “well maybe this, well maybe that” will trigger something much larger if it really resonates and I can better move forward from there.

Going back to my earliest childhood, I have always been maniacally protective of my time.  It is pure torture for me to keep a schedule that accommodates somebody else.  I will do it if it’s deemed necessary, but the entire time I’m quite uncomfortable and am constantly watching the clock for the time when I can “get out of here.”  I did horrible in school because of this, and on most jobs, it’s the same old thing – when will this be over, what time is it?  When I’m on my own schedule, answering to nobody, I will work like a madman so there is no issue of laziness.  Even if I’m on a job, I push myself to do the best work I possibly can, just out of principle.  But I don't want to be there if it's somebody else's timetable.

Something that I would imagine to be extremely deep-rooted is behind this.  The core of it, in my current (limited) understanding, is that if I’m adhering to somebody else’s schedule, I’m not being me.  I’m acting, pretending, and in the process of doing that, burning away precious minutes until I leave this plane. 

I have no idea why this is such an issue for me.  One could accurately call it “traumatic” to have a big scheduled event ahead of me.  It’s a minor trauma, but still extremely difficult to contend with.  Over the past couple months I’ve had 8 days of work helping my cousin run and hook up network cable at two different clients’ locations.  Between the drive there and back, work time, lunch, prepping my (very old) car, and especially bringing my dog to my brother’s for the day and bringing her home, these were 17 to 20 hour days wrapped up in the 8-10 hours of paid work I’d actually did.  The work was a resounding success in all cases; we worked extremely well together, we did a top-notch job and got it all done in good time.  There were no problems and no issues surrounding the work itself.  It’s all internal stuff – being locked into somebody else’s game is definitely minor trauma for me. 

I need to get to what makes me react so strongly to this.  It isn’t necessarily about remembering the actual event(s) or situation(s) that triggered all this, but rather it’s about cleaning up whatever needs cleaning up as a result of whatever the original cause might have been. 

Any ideas are more than welcome.  Thank you!

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Hi Dirty_Harry,

Well, maybe its a control issue? I think most people like to be in control of their time. And in my opinion, that is healthy. To the extent that you are “maniacally protective” of your time, you may be just hyper-aware of time being the one resource that seems most limited. We all have only 24 hours in a day, and none of us know what day will be our last, (at least in this life.)

To the extent that you can design your life in a way that you are in control of your own schedule, I’m guessing that will be part of following your desire. For example, being self-employed could be helpful. To the extent that you feel need to, or want to, agree to work, or other obligations, or even social activities, that require a time commitment, you may find it helpful to focus some amount of energy on things you can control even then, such as your breathing, the way you position your body, etc.

And also of coarse, a more active focus on the activity itself. And doing things like listening to music or an audio book can possibly help if the activity does not require your full focus, or if you need to wait at some point. Even when I have nothing to do, I like to use it as a chance to meditate. My guess is you are not feeling in touch with all the control you do have, when you are adhering to somebody else’s schedule.

I noticed in a prior post of yours responding to someone’s question you wrote “Everybody loves you conditionally.” and I wonder what you think of as “unconditional love.” I think of unconditional love in a broad sense, and thus I see myself and others frequently practicing unconditional love. When we reach out to help someone, such as through the forum, with no expectation that that person will do anything for us, or even who that person is, I think that is an act of unconditional love.

Some people get unconditional love confused with unconditional relationships, without being aware that they are doing this. But what I would describe as an unconditional relationship would be one with no personal boundaries, and no fear, regardless of what the other person said or did. And I don’t think that is healthy. Also, you wrote “You can trigger every living human being to be abusive.” While I’m not sure that is true, what if it is? We are all works in progress, but I don’t think that rules out unconditional love.

Rather, it is the imperfections in ourselves and others that make unconditional love possible. After all, if everyone was perfect, unconditional love would be meaningless. I mean, its loving others, and yourself, in the less than perfect state that is what I think of as being unconditional love. It’s loving the abuser despite the abuse that is unconditional love towards them. It’s also not allowing the abuse to continue, that is also love, towards both them and yourself.

The challenge you face around time could be viewed as an opportunity to practice unconditional love for yourself, for what you are doing during that time, and/or for the person you are committing time. But any time I encourage unconditional love, I also like to encourage personal boundaries and listening to any fears that may come up. So I’ve included links to Teal’s videos on all that below.

I hope this is helpful. I wish you the best. - Aaron

When Things are Out Of Your Control - Teal Swan -
https://youtu.be/2j4n5wkfhWk
https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/when-things-are-beyond-your-control/

Unconditional Love (How to Love Unconditionally) - Teal Swan
https://youtu.be/n-17-pXauLE

Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How to Develop Healthy Boundaries) - Teal Swan
https://youtu.be/hnKU-hL2Uag

Fear is Good (The Benefit of Fear) - Teal Swan
https://youtu.be/jM-b9Dej-AI

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I appreciate your very thoughtful reply.  I will play all the links you listed - I replay Teal's videos many times, sporadically, as each time seems to highlight something that didn't quite resonate the last time I played it.  So the concept of "oh no not another rerun" doesn't apply here. :)

Thanks again!!!

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You're welcome Dirty_Harry!!! I'm glad you felt my reply was thoughtful. I know what you mean about Teal's videos. I end up rewatching them a lot to provide the replies I do. And I think that helps me too in the process. I feel a deep appreciation for Teal sharing her enlightened perspectives.

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Having your own schedule does feel like freedom. But that doesn't mean that the rest of the world is on the same schedule with you :D

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To accept someone else his time scedule you have to fully accept it. If you still do it but not realy accepting it you will have resistance.

So there are 3 options here 1 fully agree to it or 2 say no or change it in such a way everyone is happy with it.

This is the easyway nexst thing is to find out what it is what you resist really and fully resonate with that.

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