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Recovering from extreme porn addiction - Do I get a second chance?

5 posts in this topic

Recovering from extreme porn addiction - Do I get a second chance?

Hello everyone,

I'm very new here, and relatively new to Teal's articles and videos. You could also say I'm fairly new to learning about spirituality, outside of a damaging Christian upbringing.


I've been struggling with self forgiveness, depression, and POCD (pedophile OCD) since I quit pornography use about a month ago. I've put a lot of mental work into feeling better but every time I start to enjoy something my mind tells me I'm a sicko because of the porn I've seen, and that I don't deserve to enjoy anything. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and GAD, along with OCD intrusive thoughts, so it can be extremely difficult to wrangle my brain back into control.

I have an extreme fear of being 'cut off' from spirituality. A truly crippling scrupulousness. I fear that the porn I viewed was so disgusting and awful that I am now condemned and beyond reconciliation. I personally believe that everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter what as long as they're genuinely remorseful and take action to change themselves, which I am and have. I have changed a lot and I want to keep learning and growing, but I feel I can't when my brain is telling me that I'm a horrible person, beyond forgiveness and that the damage has been done.

I'm also suffering a bit of POCD, though I do not experience attraction to children. I'm 20 and I do have fantasies of myself as underage (15) when I have sex with my boyfriend, and I sometimes think about childhood sexual experiences (w/ other children) and it sometimes arouses me. Is that sick? The porn I viewed often reflected these feelings. The taboo of being underage, attraction to older men, etc. I never viewed actual child porn, but I was attracted to the youngest looking models.

 I believe that masturbating from a very young age, early access to porn, and a natural sexual interest are what led to the addiction and escalation, because there's nothing sexy to me about hardcore, disgusting porn. I think about what I viewed now and I recoil at the thought.

I had a difficult childhood, being raised by my single grandmother in poverty, not really knowing my parents. I believe I took to porn and masturbation as an escape. I'm not excusing anything, but I know that porn use escalates and when you start as a young child it's even more detrimental.

I'm a very anxious, sensitive person and scrupulousity was instilled in me from an early age. I never want to hurt anyone and I try to treat others as I'd want to be treated. But the extent of my porn use has been a dirty secret of mine for so long and it feels like it alone outweighs the good.

I just want to know that I'm not being somehow shunned by the universe or something. I want to know if I really can have a second chance at living a meanungful, helpful life and I want to gain spiritual awareness and conciousness. Can I do that when I've behaved so sexually deviously? Can I make up for my horrible mistake by changing and never again giving in to the unrelenting grip of porn? I'm embarrassed even posting this because I know how neurotic this all sounds.

 

TL;DR: Can people who have done awful things be forgiven, make changes, and live a spiritually meaningful life? Can one big mistake ruin your soul?

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I had a really religious  family, so I understand the "felling dirty" thing. It gets better, I promisse you it gets better. You are not lost, or ruined. You are in the path now to your healing.

Things that I did that worked for me was to change my beliefs regarding god and the universe, and meditating about guilt and shame.

My especulations are...Maybe you fantasize about being young because that was when you felt pure and inocent and deserving of love, or it was the time before you decided that sex was wrong...Maybe you like older dudes because you need to work out some issues about your dad.

Try thinking about why you like this things, you will learn a lot. But don't do it from a place of "I feel disgusted" but from a place of curiosity. its ok, we all like some weird shit.

Teal has a video about porn adiction , one about fetiches, and about pedophilia too... if that helps. She probably has something about ocd too, in a workshop or interview.

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This is  subject I have a lot of experience in. I was abused at age three. I could not remember anything of it as it was buried deep. For all of my life I had a deep attraction to porn , sexual perversion and associated thoughts. This controlled my life for as long as I can remember. Here are some points I would like to draw your attention to;

   !; there is nothing wrong with you. 2; this may be a life lesson you are required to learn from this experience. 3; these belief patterns can be changed. 4; this may not be your crap in the first place , you may have inherited it. 5; no one is judging you. 6; everyone has baggage , not just you.

Sex and masturbation can even be useful tools in spiritual practices. There seems to be a lot of work to do with your inner self , to find out where this comes from ect. It will get better and being honest to yourself , and others , is best. Childhood incidents can shape us far more than you could believe. The best part is it can all be fixed or healed. You are in the best place for that , Teal,s shadow work is wonderful. I would also releasing the belief systems you carry around and start teaching yourself new ones that benefit and expand your mind. Remember , life keeps throwing lessons our way so we can improve , the art is in seeing them . You get as many chances as it takes , after all it is your reality , you are the one controlling it !.

Edited by Craig
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most hide this dark part of themselves and look down on people who are into this but it all comes from trauma. and if say you started having sex young, like 13,14, those memories are of a underage girl, we cant really censor memories but people still have those memories and maybe they think about it till this day? I don't know, people keep their dark shit to themselves, its very taboo and we don't actually find the source of where that came from. ive also heard girls in their 20s say the kid from sandlot is hotImage result for Mike Vitar Sandlot Benny the Jet Rodriguez

if a guy said that about some childhood crush it would come off weird, a lot of this is just being politically correct, people aren't into their fetish or kink just for fun, it came from somewhere, nobody is born having a specific fetish, your life experiences gave it to you. first arousal, first naked body, all of that.

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One thing which helped me was checking out eckhart tolles work and also teals video called disidentification but as soon as u do it the voices will fight back saying they are u and are disgusting but it's not u at all it's just a voice

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