5 posts in this topic

When I was a little girl, I remember going to a farm and seeing a huge white goat with wild twisted horns behind a fence covered with crosshatched wire. He kept banging against the fence and bleating - he wanted so badly to be free. He seemed somewhat intimidating but you could tell this was a beautiful animal who was being treated badly. I saw him, I must have been around four, and I empathised with him so heavily. Like he and I shared the same space. We had a somewhat mystical connection in that moment. However, from that day, I developed a huge phobia of goats. Even the thought of goats sent me into a flood of paranoia, shame, and fear. And then I made the connection. My father had sexually abused me at the age of three. I realised the truth of how I felt made me share the vibrational space with that goat - I was touched against my will and the strength of my spirit and my desire nature was fighting against it. I wanted so much to be free, to be true to myself, and rape is almost the opposite of that. As I was three at the time of my assault, my mind could not even fathom what was happening. My body sexually responsed to the touch - a part of the sexual response system which is ongoing and natural. Because I was at an age before I could independently develop my boundaries, and i assumed my father loved me, I took it to mean I enjoyed what was happening. But this meant there was something wrong with me. Then I realised I had disregarded my own desire. I did not desire my father sexually. I desired his presence. And the only way he could be present was through sex.  But this did not feel like presence. It felt like a prison. I blamed myself for the presence of my desire. And then I took it to mean that my desires were evil. Then I took a step back - it's very natural to desire a parents presence! I had done nothing wrong. Some of the ways I acted out, through bossiness or aloofness or people pleasing may have seemed intimidating or manipulative, but the truth of the matter is, I was just a beautiful girl who had been treated badly. This was a truly beautiful healing process for me. I was inspired by Teal's shadow totem animal post. Desire is something I had made an enemy of, and that's the biggest self divorce there is. 

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