Recommended Posts

When I was a little girl, I remember going to a farm and seeing a huge white goat with wild twisted horns behind a fence covered with crosshatched wire. He kept banging against the fence and bleating - he wanted so badly to be free. He seemed somewhat intimidating but you could tell this was a beautiful animal who was being treated badly. I saw him, I must have been around four, and I empathised with him so heavily. Like he and I shared the same space. We had a somewhat mystical connection in that moment. However, from that day, I developed a huge phobia of goats. Even the thought of goats sent me into a flood of paranoia, shame, and fear. And then I made the connection. My father had sexually abused me at the age of three. I realised the truth of how I felt made me share the vibrational space with that goat - I was touched against my will and the strength of my spirit and my desire nature was fighting against it. I wanted so much to be free, to be true to myself, and rape is almost the opposite of that. As I was three at the time of my assault, my mind could not even fathom what was happening. My body sexually responsed to the touch - a part of the sexual response system which is ongoing and natural. Because I was at an age before I could independently develop my boundaries, and i assumed my father loved me, I took it to mean I enjoyed what was happening. But this meant there was something wrong with me. Then I realised I had disregarded my own desire. I did not desire my father sexually. I desired his presence. And the only way he could be present was through sex.  But this did not feel like presence. It felt like a prison. I blamed myself for the presence of my desire. And then I took it to mean that my desires were evil. Then I took a step back - it's very natural to desire a parents presence! I had done nothing wrong. Some of the ways I acted out, through bossiness or aloofness or people pleasing may have seemed intimidating or manipulative, but the truth of the matter is, I was just a beautiful girl who had been treated badly. This was a truly beautiful healing process for me. I was inspired by Teal's shadow totem animal post. Desire is something I had made an enemy of, and that's the biggest self divorce there is. 

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.