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Alex7

old memories/trauma coming up.

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old memories/trauma coming up.

I noticed my left hand started twitching and ask what this feeling is(its like electricity trapped in a body kind of feeling I have going on in my body)  and where it came from and this imagine of me being humiliated by my mom in front of my entire family, even cousins and aunt. I dropped a plate a spaghetti got yelled at, then I was scared to I dropped it again and just got yelled at and humiliated and now I see life in that little bubble of time, I manifested my life being that that momentum manifested in life, that suppressed shame, I was too humiliated to cry, so I kept it inside now that is the root why being around people scares me, I will be humiliated around big group of people. I just got finished crying lol, these suppressed emotions I swear. And my aunt and cousin are visiting today so this damn cycle is happening in my life wanted me to heal it probably. I just feel this constant vulnerability in my life, like that will happen every time, one asshole and the followers laughing and I'm left alone in my suppressed misery. I don't feel safe being vulnerable around people for this reason, I assume they will humiliate me, and when I get shown love it melts me every time, like it just expresses that emotion like a vomit. It makes me feel so vulnerable to just be seen in this pain, but I needs to come up, Jesus this universe doesn't fuck around, I'M SCARED TO BE EMOTIONAL AROUND PEOPLE, I don't feel safe and it came from this moment of being humiliated. How do you trust someone to express these emotions and not know if they will use it against you and hurt you even more? of course this is what my brain thinks, but I don't trust people enough to be completely vulnerable and naked in expressing my emotion to them, I have this you're all evil thing going on in me lol you don't care thing I project onto people, so I live life through that filter, oh life this is one hard test. I'm terrified but I will try. don't get me wrong I have experienced beautiful people but I'm scared of the ones that will attack when I'm down, they terrify me! Just sharing, and I'm still that child stuck in that moment, haven't moved past it till now. healing weekend time, be gentle universe...

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I can very much relate to what you expressed. It's so scary to be inside of that trauma and pain but then to try to be vulnerable with others seems impossible in the midst of that, but at the same time because of the light inside of us wanting to magnitize towards truth, towards healing, towards love and connection, it feels as though that magnetism is like a fly being attracted to the bug zapper. We can't help but be drawn to those beautiful attributes but it hurts when we do go towards them only to be attacked by the darkness of others. I guess the solution I find myself embracing is to keep going towards that light, towards those attributes of love, connection, & truth because everytime we get zapped it will force us into healing and make us stronger. I know it's scary & painful.

Edited by Chris Kelly
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49 minutes ago, Chris Kelly said:

I can very much relate to what you expressed. It's so scary to be inside of that trauma and pain but then to try to be vulnerable with others seems impossible in the midst of that, but at the same time because of the light inside of us wanting to magnitize towards truth, towards healing, towards love and connection, it feels as though that magnetism is like a fly being attracted to the bug zapper. We can't help but be drawn to those beautiful attributes but it hurts when we do go towards them only to be attacked by the darkness of others. I guess the solution I find myself embracing is to keep going towards that light, towards those attributes of love, connection, & truth because everytime we get zapped it will force us into healing and make us stronger. I know it's scary & painful.

it went well, my family is more loving than I remembered, I can feel peoples acceptance and I enjoyed that, my brother on the other hand cant do that lol but it was fun.

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