lutinbleu

Healing Crisis

8 posts in this topic

Healing Crisis

Sometimes I get so amazed at how I feel like I've come a long way. I feel like I've finally learned how to fully allow myself to dive deep and feel an amazing feeling of joy and peace after releasing very old traumas. And most days this year I've been able to say that I felt a little bit happier/fuller than the previous one. Though sometimes things get so out of control I feel like that's all BS and that I've actually gone nowhere, like today.

I've always struggled with self-worth issues. Growing up I had an handicapped younger brother and my mother used to pretty much always take care of him and put him first, never had time to play with me. He made me so angry, but that anger was deeply repressed under a feeling of shame because "come on, he's handicapped. He needs more attention than you do." I've come to realize how this has created a pattern in my life where in literally every relationship (school, friends, love...) I've always felt like fun and respect was for the others and not for me. I've conditioned myself all my life to always, ALWAYS put other people first. Every time someone would be unfairly mean to me, I wouldn't get angry. I've been picked on at school forever and never had the guts to defend myself. I think I can say I've never had any genuine friend since all those who could've been a good match with me I ended up rejecting because I felt unworthy of being respected and loved and because I felt like the fact that they had some kind of interest in me made them losers. The only person I could get angry with was my sister whom I feel so sorry to have used as an emotional punching bag for all my childhood because she was the only one whom I know would still love me even if I was mean to her.

So yeah, 2 days ago I tried doing inner child work and tried to visualize the "perfect" parents give that attention and sense of self-worth to the parts of me that have always craved it. I did feel some kind of relief (nothing grandiose though, but still something). Though yesterday night, I feel like all the resistance I had towards this feeling decided to get out of the pandora's box. I felt intense feelings of total and complete loneliness and abandonment (both from self and others), shame, despair. It was so out of control anxiety started kicking in on top of it. I spend the whole night switching between laying down and sitting in fetus pose, I couldn't sleep at all. I felt so powerless to these feelings. The more I tried to connect with them the scarier I got and the more I tried to calm and ground myself the scarier I got as well. I felt so exhausted and restless at the same time. Even today I barely ate anything, had to call sick at work since I felt like less than a pile of crap and none of my naps have been successful. I even did a distant Reiki session with my Reiki Master. It did calm me a bit but not for too long.

Anyway, part of me just felt like talking about it. It's like one of the very few ways I found to give me some kind of relief. 

But maybe somebody could enlighten me on the subject of Healing Crisis'? I'm not quite sure to understand this concept fully but I'd like to know from others' personal experiences. Maybe that could help me not feel like I'm going utterly insane the next time it happens. Some tips would be great as well.

Thank you <3

-Fred

Edited by lutinbleu
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm starting to think all life is is just healing and revisiting trauma to integrate it, past experiences, all of that. I don't think there is a end to it, maybe but I don't think so. I love to express all my emotions fully and I've noticed when I do that it clears up all addictions that's like the source of all addictions, so anyone who drinks, smokes, eats, just trying to avoid that uncomfortable feeling, but if you deal with it right there in the moment it will heal and the addiction wont be an addiction anymore, this is what has helped me, to just express and feel everything and commit to it, it does rocket ship your healing, but its constant waves, it doesn't end its just more awareness and layers and the end goal of that is to be addiction free and have no attachment that hurts you down here, but that's my path, for someone else they will want to do things differently. those ups and downs are a normal part of life, and it will be years of that, I'm not trying to make it seem like a chore but that's what life is, when we pretend that isn't normal it puts pressure on us to reach this perfection when that isn't true at all, perfection doesn't exists, it does on Facebook and all of that but nobody is going to show you them at their worst and have people like it, they will just gossip about other people, but everyone has had those low moments in life, its normal if you aren't suppressing your emotions with addictions and we all have additions covering these traumatic experiences in us, stuck in us, and any addiction is you avoiding that emotion that we connected meaning to. And people are healing other people to heal themselves lol so we all have to focus on ourselves and love ourselves above other people and respect our boundaries and express whatever it is that is stuck in us. its complicated and one huge puzzle piece but its something all people deal with don't feel bad about spiraling down, allow it.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay . Now I see.

Every couple experiences their first "split" in love when they become parents  due to one (usually mother) giving more time to the newborn than to her partner. And as the result one or both partners  begin to feel lack of love and attention.

While Love to me does not have a measure ,  it surely feels like that sometimes  for various reasons. Including self-love .  And unfortunately  (or fortunately ) a child can become a target for those reasons to evolve and get up to the surface.

So, depending on how strong your parent's relationship was at that time and how they solved problems - this could be the start reason why you feel they way you do.

I think that you feel shame not because he is handicapped and therefore needed more attention  but because you were not incorporated enough into each other's life by your mother  (or both parents, let's be honest ). So, it feels like your putting others first is your way to catch up with what you have missed with your brother. Do you keep in touch with him? How often do you visit him?

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I meant I felt shame for feeling anger (/jealousy) towards him because I thought my anger wasn't "justified", but what you say makes sense too. There was always this coldness between the two of us. I never really had a close relationship with him.. Him not being able to talk contributes to it but the resentment I felt all throughout childhood is the biggest factor I believe. He goes to my mom's house every week end or so and I only occasionally see him when I visit her as well. I talk to him a bit but he's not that comfortable.. and I've never seem him as surprised as the first time I kissed him on the cheek.. he seemed to find it unbelievable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@lutinbleu I think your feelings are completely valid towards him: you don't know some things untill you see them, right? That's why I talked about you being more involved into his life - you would have recieved through your brother a part that he has had all this time, while at the same time you would see that you have the part he probably wishes to have too - your "normal life". Perhaps this could be the reason for the coldness between you two... idk.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Garnet I don't think he wishes to be another way.. as opposed to most people his condition  (intellectual disability) also gave him the ability to always be in the present moment and not compare himself to others. Even though his capacities are extremely limited and despite the fact he will always be dependant on other people to live, he never was bothered by it since that's all he's known. I can say without a doubt he's always been the happiest member of the family.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now