Rui Carlos

Fractures of self

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Fractures of self

Today I was writing a private message to someone.  after a while I realized something. you know when your awareness expands and you start seeing things you didn´t see before? exactly like that.

when I finished writing I read it again to see if there was no mistakes. I usually care of what I write because I fear people won´t like it and stuff like that. but what I realized is that I was reading it over and over again. I just wanted to take a look but instead I spend a lot of time reading it and correcting every little mistake. my head started hurting and my back too. I am a prefectionist i know. But this made me understand why.

after a while I thought "OMG, I am punishing myself!"

For a while I´ve been trying to understand why I have nervous tics. I knew it has pshycological but there is an emotional reason behind that. so I was trying to understand it but I couldn´t so far. 

I know it seems that I am losing the point but it leads to fully understanding this.

during this time I´ve identified many emotions. Like fear, shame, sadness, anger and more. But I realized they had things in common. Instead of many fractures of self I could identify two major aspects of me:

  • One side based of fear which usually feels inferior, sad, not worth of love, anxious that thinks there is something wrong with him;
  • One side based on anger that usually holds emotions like pride, self worth, determination that thinks screw people because he knows what he is capable of

I think of them as brothers. the first one was created when my emotions were invalidate and I was hit and screamed at as a child. the second one as a result of the first. why do I have to go trough that? so the other side feels angry. so I  splitted my self in two so I could deal with my life. usually the one based on fear apears when I might be judged. the one based on fear usually appears after I feel affraid...after the situation pass. usually when I feel fear I feel angry afterwords. I have this voice it my head screaming at me "why are you so afraid of? you are a piece of shit. you can do more than that. you know that. why do you let people make you so damn afraid? hwo cares about? hwo needs them?" and instead of helping that  makes me feel worse.

I understand now that the two are in conflict. one screams at the other while the other fells more affraid instead. so one is punishing the other.

while I was writing that message it came to my awareness that I was punishing myself. I had to write every word without a mistake. so I realized why I had nevous tics. I literally beat myself. usually I start having nervous tics when I am anxious. even though sometimes the angry side doesn´t seem to manifest (sometimes the feeling of anger is not there) he finds a way. I bite my nails, shake my head, look for mistakes over and over again until my head and back hurts (I am am like "stop being so afraid damnit"). I am literaly doing to me what my parents have done to me. I understand why I have nervous tics now, There is conflict within me and I´ve been literally rejecting, neglecting, invalidating and beating myself.

I reflected internally the conflict between my mother and my father. fear is the reflection of my mother and anger my father. I absorved all of it. OMG I SEE IT NOW. my mother was seeking my father´s validation and my father would punish her. the same happened to me. My father would punish me but I would seek validation in my mother but she wasn´t emotionally available. so there is the side of me that feels invalidated and the side that punishes it for feeling like that.

I´ve been emotionally unavailable for myself all this years. that´s why I am a perfect match to people that are not emotionally available. I´ve been literally abusing myself.

It makes a lot more sense why Teal says that is time to move on to spirituality 2.0. our subsconscious mind absorbs every padron and reflects it. our bubbles or not just ours as we think they are. we are all connected. it´s time to do something. it´s time for change. People on this planet keep living without the awareness of the power of the subsconscious mind. if people became aware of it they wouldn´t invalidate others because mostly it´s just a reflection of what going on inside of them.

 

Edited by Rui Carlos
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its so complicated being a human lol. I'm starting to listen to my body and higher self, I decided that's what I will do for the rest of my life and if someone outside of me doesn't agree I don't care, I'm listening to my higher self and body. so my body wants me to fast and eat raw, and when you get over addictions all of your suppressed emotions come up(detox) and I was wondering why I felt like shit the past days, I'm getting rid of those addictions which are emotional attachments and instead of suppressing it and eating junk food you actually feel it and it lasts pretty long, like a day maybe. I have this belief something is wrong with me, but no the world around us is what's wrong lol most have mental health problems just being born in this world filled with trauma and shitty environments and parenting, all life is just healing and you get more of the puzzle pieces the older you get. Even listing to our higher self is foreign, but this entire life is just a learning experience and long as you learn from an experience you reached the next level in some way. all our paths are very different, but I respect mine to listen to my higher self and body, as should everyone. the subconscious mind is ridiculously strong!

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I understand what you mean. we are complete and when we come to this world. life is a journey to be one again...to be complete. sometimes I am amazed at what to universe shows me. the universe shows is constantly showing me what is inside of me and I am not always able to perceive it. when our awareness expands we are like "Omg it was in front of me the entire time". I was doing emotional vipassana and a lot of feelings came up and I felt sick...I wanted tot throw up. it was my body trying to heal I guess. emotions are the root.

Sense my awareness expanded I am feeling the impact of junk food more. that is why I don´t feel attracted to it like before. and when I eat it I feel bad...my stomach and gut feels bad and things like that. I feel more grounded and less in thouch with my emotions. So I totally understand what you mean by wanting to fast. food have frequencies. we are what we eat so eating meat for example lower of frequency because it is in a lower vibration.

 

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1 hour ago, Rui Carlos said:

I understand what you mean. we are complete and when we come to this world. life is a journey to be one again...to be complete. sometimes I am amazed at what to universe shows me. the universe shows is constantly showing me what is inside of me and I am not always able to perceive it. when our awareness expands we are like "Omg it was in front of me the entire time". I was doing emotional vipassana and a lot of feelings came up and I felt sick...I wanted tot throw up. it was my body trying to heal I guess. emotions are the root.

Sense my awareness expanded I am feeling the impact of junk food more. that is why I don´t feel attracted to it like before. and when I eat it I feel bad...my stomach and gut feels bad and things like that. I feel more grounded and less in thouch with my emotions. So I totally understand what you mean by wanting to fast. food have frequencies. we are what we eat so eating meat for example lower of frequency because it is in a lower vibration.

 

yeah I'm respecting my path and realizing I am a universe and I love to feel all of the emotions, it doesn't bother me, source didn't give us all of those emotions for nothing, so I'm not a love and light person even though I came here to learn about love, I like to evolve and I can actually see who is capable of love and loving themselves and I just get disappointed in people, like what they call love isn't love and to me that word means so much, so I sort of get fired up when people abuse that word, when feel like I get used a part of me wants to attack and just show themselves how much they don't know how to love or even know what that means. I just suppress a lot but inside I'm like if you treat your body like shit and say in a soft voice I love you, fuck off, you don't even love you so how could you possibly love outside of you? the façade is up, I love this new authenticity that will be the norm, but I understand. that's my path, it took so damn long for me to reach self love and understand it now I see how rare it is and  the word being thrown around just annoys me because I've experienced the opposite in this life.

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If you recognize your parent's conflict within yourself , why do you keep beating yourself up so much and calling yourself names?

See,  if you have an awareness of something but keep living as if you're not aware of it - it is a serious conflict within. I don't think it has anything to do with the past. Unless someone holds on to the past for a certain reason.

Edited by Garnet
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@Rui Carlos that is such an amazing story! such an incredible insight. Awesome!

12 minutes ago, Garnet said:

If you recognize your parent's conflict within yourself , why do you keep beating yourself up so much and calling yourself names?

What do you suggest on doing about it. It is so hard to deal with something that is so deep inside of you, even if you are conscious of it

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1 hour ago, Garnet said:

If you recognize your parent's conflict within yourself , why do you keep beating yourself up so much and calling yourself names?

See,  if you have an awareness of something but keep living as if you're not aware of it - it is a serious conflict within. I don't think it has anything to do with the past. Unless someone holds on to the past for a certain reason.

I know what you mean. but tell me this. do you stop being an addict because you finally have awareness of your addiction? you already know the answer don´t you?

By the way. that´s something I found out today so do you expect me to stop beating myself over just because I have awareness of it? there must be work done in both aspects of me...there must be integration first.

it´s like muscle memory. your subsconscious mind keeps believing in that. just because you made it conscious doesn´t mean you´ll be imediately over your believes. I know what happened to me and I understand it now but almost all of my childhood memories are supressed which means there is trauma there, something I am not seeing. there is resistance within me and  I am not able to integrate both sides yet. that´s why there will be conflict if I don´t understand what the resistance is.

Edited by Rui Carlos
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1 hour ago, Rui Carlos said:

I know what you mean. but tell me this. do you stop being an addict because you finally have awareness of your addiction? you already know the answer don´t you?

By the way. that´s something I found out today so do you expect me to stop beating myself over just because I have awareness of it? there must be work done in both aspects of me...there must be integration first.

it´s like muscle memory. your subsconscious mind keeps believing in that. just because you made it conscious doesn´t mean you´ll be imediately over your believes. I know what happened to me and I understand it now but almost all of my childhood memories are supressed which means there is trauma there, something I am not seeing. there is resistance within me and  I am not able to integrate both sides yet. that´s why there will be conflict if I don´t understand what the resistance is.

Rui Carlos ,

First of all, I have no idea when you found out what up untill this reply therefore I am not expecting anything. We just having a conversation here.

You talked about food and frequency in your previous reply. I quit meat in one day. I didn't need any integration with that, but i understand that it's different for everyone. My mind just switched focus to expanding my knowledge on vegetarian /vegan options.

I know this is maybe not the same when it comes to other issues. But as you noted if you don't see it or don't know about it, then maybe resistance can be seen/found in something that you feel is triggering to you.

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3 hours ago, Redbeard said:

 

What do you suggest on doing about it. It is so hard to deal with something that is so deep inside of you, even if you are conscious of it

What we say and do to ourselves are our habits. Practice what you would prefer instead. One word/action at a time. And then it becomes your new habit. This is basically a practice of self love. I like Teal's advice to ask yourself "what would someone who loves himself do"

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11 hours ago, Garnet said:

Rui Carlos ,

First of all, I have no idea when you found out what up untill this reply therefore I am not expecting anything. We just having a conversation here.

You talked about food and frequency in your previous reply. I quit meat in one day. I didn't need any integration with that, but i understand that it's different for everyone. My mind just switched focus to expanding my knowledge on vegetarian /vegan options.

I know this is maybe not the same when it comes to other issues. But as you noted if you don't see it or don't know about it, then maybe resistance can be seen/found in something that you feel is triggering to you.

I understand want you mean. there are some habits that we can quit over night but they are linked to emtional matters. if you are emotionally balanced it´s easier for you to change habits because your brain is not polarized per say. 

in my case I used to love junk food. when I started to understand law of atraction and some things of my subsconscious mind became conscious I stopped feeling attracted to junk food. I didn´t say to myself that I didn´t like it anymore. it´s like teal says when your awareness expands you become a match to other things because your frequency goes up.

I don´t know about your reality but maybe you are more emotionally balanced.

even though you say "I want to meet people that are emotionally available" you just don´t start meeting them unless yout subsconscious mind believes it. if you keep being a match to unavailabe people it means there is something in your subsconscious mind you are not seeing.

I didn´t mean to come up to strong. you triggered me. I know it´s just a reflection of something inside me.

Edited by Rui Carlos
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