Ale

Abandonment and avoiding

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Abandonment and avoiding

I think that there is something wrong with me.

Every time I begin any meaningful relationship (mostly romantic) there is the same scenario: the guy shows interest, courts me and seems positively in love, says that I am the one and he would like to have the person like me for a life partner. At first I am always just friendly with him for some weeks because it takes time for me to get used to a new man. The guy goes out of his way, he is really caring, loving and sweet. So I begin to open up, be tender, loving and caring. And there it crashes all the time the same way: something happens and the guy abandones me. He moves abroad or to another city, gets another girl, suddenly stops talking to me, has more important things to do, etc. I do not get clingy or needy, been there, I know I have changed a lot since then. I just do not understand why those who fall for me suddenly and drastically change when I begin to fall for them. All guys I was serious about in my life have abandoned me.

And another common scenarion: I live my life and there is a guy who is very much interested in me. He is persistent and asks for a date. I can agree, I can not but in 98% of cases (excluding those 6 guys I developed feelings for) they turn out to be completly anattractive to me, all having big turn offs (being immature, clingy, needy, foul or with no interests in common). So I begin to avoid them or tell them upfront that we can not have any relationships.

Avoiding relationship or being abandoned in relationship is all I have experienced in life. I watched Teal's videos so many times to find an answer. I know now that it probably goes from my childhood because my farther was distant with me, avoided me and abandoned me many times. But I forgave him, I understand that he did not want to hurt me, he was just raised in bad family and has this character. I love my farther with all my heart. So why I still have these issues in my life... Why? I want to brake these scenarios and I want so much to find an answer and to stop this constant dull pain of being abandoned by those whom I let very close to my heart... I would much appreciate any advice.

Edited by Ale
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Hello Ale,

Well, if the guy moves on so quickly then the relationship wasn't solid from a start. And if it was solid then it has to be a great reason why he freaked out.

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Hi, Garnet, ok, I understand and accept the idea that if the guy moves on quickly it means that he was not ment to be in my life. But I just do not understand why it continues to happen. I do not want and, frankly speaking, can not go into superficial relationship. I can not open up to everyone but if I see that the guy is worthy I open up and then he abandons me. I could understand it if I was revealing dirty secrets or showing my dark side, but no, I just begin to trust the guy and become more vulnerable and then it happens. As for too solid relationship I have an example when the guy was so much into me that wanted us to marry but then he had an affair with another girl so we broke up and he married that girl. After that, probably being unhappy in this marriage, he continued to contact me saying that he misses me and wants to be in touch. So if he had so solid feelings for me why he abandoned me in the first place?

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Hmmm.... maybe you're putting too much on a guy. Tbh i don't know . ..

What do you mean by opening up? When you are having a conversation with him, are you telling half of what you want to say? are you trying to look better? then yes, there will be consequences.

The more you're comfortable with yourself and about yourself , the easier it is for him to understand you. Therefore you're not attracting these half-you's guys.

I am not saying you need to say everything that's on your mind but you don't have to be a walking-talking box of secrets either. Unless you have no trust or situation calls for it .

One thing i know for sure is that when you are with the right guy, openness is last thing you really worry about (don't take my word just yet. I need to double check it with my husband :D )

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No, I stay myself the most of time, although I tend not to initiate any conflicts even if I do not like smth and sometimes let guys violate my boundaries. When it gets serious for me I just begin to tell the guy more about my inner self like about by dreams and heart desires (it does not include any "I want three kids with you" talks). And I begin to let my heart go and immerse into the enchantment of "loving and being loved".

But if I look back to my relationship experience it seems to me that guys like me the most when I am indifferent to them, when do not pay much attention and prefer all my activities to them. And although I keep enjoying many sides of my life being inrelationship too, does it mean that I should always keep some distance from the guy and never fall for him? What is the point of the relationship for me then?

But otherwise, when I let my heart to love, I get abandoned... Probably it is my destiny to never know the pleasure of mutual love :( 

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Hi Ale,

A month ago Teal made a video A  Flat Relationships Dynamic,  in 3 minute you can see nice fingers explanation. Another thing don't blame yourself, leave that highway and burn that I Want to Marry Someone Now poster! Be grateful it didn't happens yet, sometimes we have to collect number negative experience points what didn't suits to us to see what we need. When two people meeting it actually meeting two stream of needs. I do comparing with floating planets in a space, actually all planets have some moving direction, and in a short time may it looks approaching object moving same direction, but when own needs didn't resonates between, the gravity between planets didn't happens. If we not sure what are own needs, let's start from bad foot forward. Don't tell to universe who you want to be with, that person don't sure about himself what he needs yet. Pick instead someone to help you to recognise what is your needs. To be whit someone in a same room doesn't mean yet to be in a same reality. Get the map where you want to go shake in the air and wait for company.

best wishes

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Thank you, Vincent, I will watch that video of Teal, I think I have missed it. 

But I do not have an I Want To Marry Someone Now attitude towards relationship. When I say I want serious relationship it does not include immediate marriage. I can't imagine to want to marry someone before I get to know the person and feel deep trust and connection with them which implies for me at least a year of close loving exclusive relationship.

I just want to love and to be truly loved and valued in return. I think the marriage will be natural result of it. Probably guys feel that I want something serious, not something short and with no strings attached so they fade away when they see it gets serious and begins to require some responsibility from them. I do not blame those guys, they are just not "my" guys. I just want to know what does not allow me to meet "my guy"?  

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Sorry I didn't have in mind litery marry, I should put it in ,,'' as an expression from beginning. I agree maybe my comment little to shallow, just wanted to cheer up, as noticed this topic not very popular on supporting, maybe because to sensitive. I've experienced similar feelings, when I was 16 my parents divorced, and it makes huge impact on my later life. When we trying to help someone to to advise is actually many times we just trying to fix our self trough that person. The best for intimacy, would be the person from same location you live in, same culture, same traditions, but when you growing up, learning, meting people from other parts of the world,our needs changing, and a people nearby many times didn't catching us. An we staring to feel lonely. But that doesn't means you're less valuable, you're the same value wherever you are, your skills, your passion, knowledge. If someone didn't approves you values, don't have to be sad, my that person didn't dives deep enough in to that spectrum. Sorry but you not alone feeling alone, many people just adopting them self to someone's believes to be looking they are not alone ,but they are.  You have to check all Teal topics list  and to watch sometimes again, and the truth answer only will find in your self. As Teal says is Ok to be Not Ok sometimes. Don't stick on idea how is your life should be looks like, try to find what can you learn from this bad situation, what is positive intention in this. If you want to connect someone and can't that because the tension of expectations could be to high. All great meetings happens by accident, on the way you doing something completely different, no makeup, no high hills. We have to express our self to be visible.

best wishes

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On 3/7/2017 at 0:29 AM, Ale said:

No, I stay myself the most of time, although I tend not to initiate any conflicts even if I do not like smth and sometimes let guys violate my boundaries.

You can have an opinion. It should not be a major conflict. And if it is major for him, then..... 

On 3/7/2017 at 0:29 AM, Ale said:

. When it gets serious for me I just begin to tell the guy more about my inner self like about by dreams and heart desires (it does not include any "I want three kids with you" talks). And I begin to let my heart go and immerse into the enchantment of "loving and being loved".

The what you feel "enchantment " is really possible if the other person is falling for you too. 

You know, Ale, I can tell people DEAD TRUTH and still catch some sitting and rolling their eyes "oh... really.."  and it doesn't bother me! 

On 3/7/2017 at 0:29 AM, Ale said:

 

But if I look back to my relationship experience it seems to me that guys like me the most when I am indifferent to them, when do not pay much attention and prefer all my activities to them. And although I keep enjoying many sides of my life being inrelationship too, does it mean that I should always keep some distance from the guy and never fall for him? What is the point of the relationship for me then?

 

As relationship progresses do you stop doing things that you were doing before?

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Dear Garnet,

On 10.03.2017 at 7:15 AM, Garnet said:

As relationship progresses do you stop doing things that you were doing before?

No, I do even more sometimes, because I feel so much energy and life inside! In my last relationship, you can't even imagine how much I grew up, my man encouraged me (indirectly, I think he even does not have an idea about it) to become more brave, apply for studies abroad, not be afraid to travel more and work on my shadows. And I was so happy - it was not those butterflies in the stomach but steady and harmonic happiness as if I knew that everything will be alright from now on because my life became what it ment to be.

I miss him so much. I miss what I have been with him. I know that truly enlightened person can be the same happy on their own. Probably it will happen with me somewhere in future but, oh my God, how I want to experience happiness of being with someone, loved and loving. Why I don't deserve it? :'-( 

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