Rui Carlos

The shifting moment of my life

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The shifting moment of my life

I am going to start by showing my fear of what people think of me. even when I write here I feel that nobody cares and I have to apoligize or say something similar for wanting people to see and care for my pain. So my text starts like this:

I just wanted to put this out there. I don´t know if this is the right place or section for me to do this but I´ll do it anyway. All I want is for someone to read it.

Two days ago a was triggered by a situation. I walked across someone I knew and I started feeling really bad. since that day my anxiety is heightened. I have been having trouble sleeping and murmuring into my sleep. so I asked what is it that I was feeling. what was it that was making me feel so bad. All I could feel was fear. 

Why was I so affraid of? fear of not being able to manifest things I want in my life. fear of being rejected by this world.

there is something I fear the most. 

I think I was a kid born with great awareness. along with awareness was a great sensitive sytem. I always questioned the situation I was in. why was I there? why didn´t I have the things I wanted and everyone around me seemed to do.  at some point of my life I´ve started manifesting those things. I´ve always been determined and strong. I had a feeling that I could have the things I wanted and I at the back of my mind...even when my parents would not give me the things I asked for I would think "I  don´t know how I am going to have it but all I know is: I will". I knew I was a creator all along. I could create my own reality. but when I would get something I was questioned about how did I get that thing making me feel bad and wrong for being able to manifest it. also I always tried to get my mother to pay atention to me and to care for my emotions and things I wanted but I would always win the last place to my father. I couldnt have the unconditional love and presence I so wished. My father was my mother´s priority.

I´ve been taught that I was dependent on the outside world. I couldn´t creat my own reality. they tried and tried. I started having panic attacks. I couldn´t make sense why I was having them but all I know about panic attacks is this. they happen because you fear not being able to control your own reality...that it controls you. you feel powerless . they are linked with breathing. breathing is controled by the conscious mind and subconscious mind. when you panic you can´t even control your own breathing. that is why meditation tecnics suggest focusing on breathing because it get´s you closer to the subsconscious mind.

I knew all along I was a creator. And what a creator. even though they tried to teach me otherwise I started gainning control over my panic attacks and hability to manifest. they tried to reach my core being and put fear there but the last layer was made of confidence. even though fear was with me all the time I had confidence deep down. My fears were standing on top of security, confidence and the knowing that I was a creator...I knew my true self. I made friends and defied the standarts of my family, I started going out making friends and I really believed in me. they could not change my core being.

But then something happened at the age of 15. For the first time I went out of my comfort zone after the thing I wanted the most. I met a girl. I saw her and thought "omg. she is amazing. but I am never going to see her again" but deep down I was "I want to see her again". Moments later she came back and sit with us. we got to now each other and I saw her intentions towards me. I thought "no way" but I knew she liked me. we started dating.

after going into my core being and wishes I know what I want the most is the unconditional love from a women. the contrast of my mother. 

for the first time at the age of 15 I manifested a girl. and she liked me... what were the odds? my hability to manifest was validated. even when I thought it was not possible for her to look at me the way I wanted my wanting became reality. so it was my doing, I could create everything I put my mind to.

sadly things didn´t last. when I really start caring for her she ended up things with me. I was crashed. I felt sad and cried. but i didn´t realize how much of a trauma I had until last time I saw her: two days ago.   

a few moths into my 24th birthday in 2016 I tried to understand my anxiety, my actions an believes. i questioned everything, meditated until I felt my higher self. I was shocked at how much I knew already and how the answers were in me all along. eventually I tied everything to my childhood. I understood my actions better even though there are a lot of things I am not aware still.

when I saw her I was triggered and I was like "why?". why do I feel bad everytime I see her?

I couldn´t even look her in the eyes. why do I care so much?

today I found the "why"- Why does she makes me feel so bad? why? 

after I saw I stopped being able to maditate and all I could feel was anger and fear. anger because I know I can create and fear because i am affraid I might not. 

it was trauma. the why I feel so bad when I see her. she remembers me of the moment my life shifted. I could manifest my desires even though I was tought otherwise. I knew I could. they tried so hard to make me someone other than me but i persisted. I was taking control over my life.  then she broke up with me everything I started to built was put to the ground.

Why what I wanted the most didn´t want me back? what was wrong with me? Am I not worth loving? I am not enough? I couldn´t stop but feeling those feelings. that moment was the moment she  validated everything that my parents subsconsciously taught me.  that situation validated my fears.. the fear of not being enough...of not being in control.

that´s the moment stones came all over my true self...the hability to manifest my wishes. it started to seem that the world manifested me. I was at the mercy of it.

ever sense, I knew something had changed. the layer of confidence was replace by fear. Fear became the basis of everything I do. fear is the ground of my believes, my thoughts and actions. that´s the moment when I stopped believing in myself.

Now with better awareness I know I can and I am aware of  the things I manifested in my life. But fear is there everytime... anxiety is there everytime. two things I really feared came to me during the last 6 years. I see why now. 

I understand why she triggers me. she triggers the side of me that thinks it has no control over its reality. the side that thinks it´s wrong to be hwo I am...that I am not enough for anyone..that I am not worth it.

i was angry at her for so long and I kept refelcting her into other people. I am glad for having crossed paths with her again because she made me realize where were the exact moment in my life that things really shifted... where I lost track of hwo I really am. 

I don´t blame her anymore her but it hurts. my soul is wounded and everytime I see her it opens and bleeds. and it takes time for it to stop or at least bleed less. I used to be mad a her but I understand things better now. I am glad for the pain I felt these past days. it finally talked to me. I know its trauma. that´s the point in my life i have to pay atention.

everything I do..she´s there in the back of my mind. I fear failing because she might think I am a failure and she´s done right on ending things with me. there is not one thing I do that doesn´t involve the fear of her knowing about it. I couldn´t even look into her eyes because I didn´t want to see a look of pitty or rejection. she is the person I care the most about what she thinks of me. I wanted to leave this place because If she wasn´t there i wouldn´t have to worry about failure. 

But the think is... that fear is always with me and I don´t know how to face it.

the thing I fear the most is a person. the thing I fear the most is a women. the thing I fear the most is the thing I want the most. The think I fear the most is the reflection I didn´t see in my mother.

 

 

Edited by Rui Carlos
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