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I'm such a fraud

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I'm such a fraud

I've been self loathing.   and I'm not loving myself tonight    Help me.  

I put on a show to hide my true colors.  But I'm carrying around toxic Shane. 

I need help.   I'm ashamed.   I know logically better. But I'm a failed empath codependent failure.   I relapsed on no contact again 

and I truly hate myself for it. 

Why did I do it to myself?   Logically and emotionally I deserve love. 

I guess I figured I could try to reach her.   

But nope.   Done.  

Why can't I get over it.  It really messed me up.   And it's so complex.   And I hate the person I was --- this person who so stupid

I'm addicted to habits that harm me.   I've been smoking cigs lately this week. And I hate it.  And same with no contact. Breaking my own habits.  Destroying my health 

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I totally feel with you, that self loathing time is truly horrible to go through. I cannot offer you much help but I do know that these are fluctuations and perhaps it is even a good thing what you are going through. I have spend the whole day on the couch so far feeling totally miserable and sad, no clue where it comes from, but I do take some solice from Lee Harris' newest energy update. Perhaps it resonates with you. And hopefully you can stop feeling so bad about smoking: I have had my cravings too the past two weeks after having stopped for half a year. Addicted for life..

Best wishes

ps. have you ever watched this one? I love letting go of my anger this way:


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On 2/18/2017 at 0:54 AM, Mark Joseph Middleton said:

Everyone is messed up. Or you could just say everyone's alive. Why do you hate the part of yourself that feels this way? If it hurts - Don't. Get into that part, be with that part, curl up in that ball on that couch right now and stay there. This breaks the cycle because you've inserted something new. If you can do that you are stronger than most people i've encountered in my life. Then when you can do that and get up, and walk around, not escaping the feeling, supporting it, things are different. When you feel that way walking around, and its okay. Not smoke that cigarette just so you 'feel better' about the part of you in pain, or to do anything because you feel gaaaaaaah right now. That feeling is you, its okay to feel that way. I'm so glad teal did a video on this, its what i've been practicing previously since reading her material and its really helped. She's (all of us) have not quite focused in on how to support and interact with the pain body, examples would be good, but we are getting there. - Hopefully you've got some examples about how you've supported the part of yourself hurting, not escape from it, so you can draw on those.

The eclipse, comet played havok with my life as well. Might have been the same for you. I was back on porn and escapism. I could have turned to deeper meditation, or just been there for myself but I went external, so I've lost the two months energy I was building up and momentum that went with it. Sucks. Stupid thing is I didn't realise I was doing it again, that behind all this was a feeling of hopelessness, inadequacy, of not being enough as I am, of chasing the dragon so I didn't feel it. It was unconscious again. So you were not the only one. My self hate almost took me away from myself into a job I would hate, for my reasons. Ultimately to numb what I was feeling with a mindless repetitive task, and money at the end of it. Which I would have blown to 'feel better'. - And so the cycle goes on.

I'll just get the money and i'll feel better.
I'll just get the cig then i'll feel better.

Its true, for a short time, you will feel different. Then you'll be back. But don't beat yourself up for that either, that won't help.

I really like this. What you said is so true.

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On 2/15/2017 at 11:57 PM, M_The_Raven said:

Why would I smoke cigarettes now?   I quit for 2 years.   Wtf?

I'm in spiral of self hatred.  

Life is about attachment and detachment .....logically giving up smoking or anything else you like will always be a struggle would you agree?... ......your energy is split how you view smoking but like the activity by itself

is something you like if you are honest .............would it not be nice if smoking gave you up rather than you trying ?

One accomplishes the above by attaching to something else..something you consider more uplifting , something your energy is not spit on .......this way smoking will give you up :)

You feel bad not that you smoked you r feeling bad you haven't found  that something you could anchor to thats more vibrant than smoking have tried but in the absence of attaching to something else

will always return to the point of current attachment your quest is to find that passion you can anchor to ...wish you well 

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