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M_The_Raven

Teal vid hurts my ego cuts me open.

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Teal vid hurts my ego cuts me open.

She's like yo.  You put your best foot forward to pursue a woman. 

Thats not the real you. 

And it's because ur afraid of commitment and intimacy ---  and yeah

thats been true 

Teal is right --  hurts me to face that shadow truth.    I'm afraid of intimacy    But I want it because it's insanely sexy     But it's like in the past I feel like I was finding myself (as a justification for being a coward)  

  I do chase    And then  let them down  because I'm emotionally 10 years behind where I should be for my age   

Ready to leave it behind.  

Ouch.   Hits hard bc it's potent truth. I don't like to hear.    I don't want that.   Now what?

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I don't where to strike a balance.  But lately I'm just me.  So.  It's not exactly a big deal.  I like the new me.   I deleted some toxics    But I don't want to be honest    I want to hide some things    aLOT    But not forever  just for the moment   

 

What am I to do?  Emo dump on their lap!?   Fuck no    I love really cool women    I like really cool people  in general   And they're out there scattered    

Still showing my best foot   

 

I cabt help it     Especially if u are really cute     Ouch  ok     No no no no!!!

 

bo more of that shizz

but like.  I bring them back because I'm like terrified of what it says about me 

I'm so emotionally stunted. Or used to be.  That it was sad and pathetic 

insecure machismo under like glib disaffected sarcasm.  Like.  Wearing black.  And like too cool for love 

but it's so weak and pathetic.   How pathetic and weak that is. 

I hate that I used to be like that.  But.  I was afraid of getting close to someone I love 

but I'm not afraid anymore.  Bc.  That's exactly what I want in life.    ---  and everything else.  That's the emotional lack of guidance 

 

 

like I'm that guy looking around for a destination.  Trying to reprogram the gps  for my emotional masculine.   Secure.  

Bc.  I didn't have a map or a guidebook.   I'm just like bad role models. 

Or zero role role models.  And just figuring it out one messed up step at a time.  

 

Im not going keep myself arrested in emotional development

 

i think smart chicks who are tender but strong.  Secure enough to be their authentic selves.   But vulnerable enough to keep secrets with.  That's pretty much.  A bazillion times better. 

And the insecurity.   It's hard to break through it with some scenes.   It's about environment as much as Anything.   

Bc.  Truth is.   Scattering people around a weird city with too many weird non scenes. 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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Wtf TEAL SWAN?   Am I supposed to have no secrets.   ?

 

just a lil bit too worst foot forward.    And ur pleasantly surprised by my coolness.    It's muted.  

But that doesn't work either.    So just gotta be adorable    But that will fade soon   And the real me is cute   It's not as cute as when I'm charming on purpose

 ----

I'm not gonna do it.   I know exactly what I don't want. And what I find sexy and mature.  Is vulnerable it's love. It's so good

and I don't want sex debris on my soul. 

U know?    Like I'm just. Like nahhh.  I'm not gonna get with u.   U got spiritual hooks and daggers and so  love with empathy.  (Used to be me). U better love yourself. Be the authentic you --- cause rare divine 

 I'm not cool.   and I'm not charming.  I got no ID.   I got this beating heart.   I want u to know what it's Saying but I got bad interpreters with my mouth and it's Chinese to aliens 

i came here with no manuals.  And I'm not a broscientist.   And I don't want to be 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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I don't know.  Now it's like --- everyone.  And here's teals shadow     Exposed. 

 

Needs a partner.   Even when sometimes they don't. 

 

 do I need one?

hey alien girl    I like the way you read ghost stories   The non fiction type   Cool belly    You always dress up like no wave cinema star from the 80s ?   YO   Love me as a loser  bc I  Love u as a winner

And it's authentic.   --- bc I just spend all my days like not chasing.  But.  Now ur running around my little couch at my hangout.  Just being friendly and. Cute.  

 And ur just gonna be disappointed.   Bc I'm totally amazing. But.  Im also you know not as good as I'm gonna pretend to be.  Just feel my heart beat with ur sixth sense and know truth.  But ur rare.  

No resistance.  No chase.   No expectations.  Just pumping love.    Ohhhhhh. ❤???

cant wait to find out how much u suck with ur manic black hair and ur like vinyl player for irony sake with a really cool band 

I can't wait to know how bad ur feet smell after u jog in those kicks u wearing all dirty and shit.    I'm digging all ur flaws until they just are arrrrrrrful.

 but somethint about u tells me this is diff. 

but. nah.  fuckinh idealism  

im indealizing too.  Let's level it out.   Why don't go do something embarrassing and get it out the way.  Let's make a game.   Tell me why u suck and I can live with it.  maybe. 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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Fucking neurotic as fuck women.  4 hours a day I'll smell ur stinky feet.   After u walked all day in sneakers no socks.  cause I like u.  That much 

yo   Ur gonna be so disappointed in me    Lol      Want to hang out and just explode each other's minds?

But u can't handle it yet.   Too intense. 

Thats when women show cowardice.  

Come forth --   11 --- show me ugly.   You're fucked in the head in a healthy and good way.  I want get inside there.  See where all demons hide.   Let's figure it out.   WHere u hiding. ?   Why u gotta have a boyfriend.   U suck

 

off to the vampire.   "Like one time I was like omg.   Like seriously ???   I'm not like omg.   Seriously?"  Valley girl     With her fucking ego on as her soul's clothing

And im like.   Fuck this Valentine's bullshit.  

 

Where u hiding out bc it ain't in this loser venue 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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Yo u remind of that creepy chick that hides in the haunted attic for fun.  Bc it's haunted and ur creepy.    Do u own anything not in black or white?

 

lets skip it and get married already.  I like the way ur nose snoops.  

Bc I get u.   That's where the library of Alexandria is.   In that haunted creep show apartment of urs.    

Yo. You're too ironic to be real 

but you look it.  

Smell it 

and ur freaky in ur head it's sexy.  

Stupid chick at the art gallery downbeat hipster diner.at 3am 

ihhh.  Ur too ironic to be real 

Get the fuck away.   My fear intimacy just can't be overcome this fast

Take a look.    Bc I am sucking my worst right now.  I'm gonna fix up nice 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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U know like What of this makes sense ?

women are so impossible   Nothing good enuff for them  

bc I'm telling u.   I can't just be like yo.  I suck.  

Bc I'm lying when I say it.   Bc I can suck in certain ways.   But other ways I'm surprising. It's like bonus.  

But now.  We are not even being ourselves bc the second I started to dig u.  I got all weird 

and u fell for it. 

But now I'm terrified.  Wait a sec.  want to fall in love the right way first?

like.  I don't ever do well here.  You know prelimary transition to reality 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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You know. It sucks being on fire in the soul. And nothing burn brightly on.   Clean.  

Disinfect.    Fire

 

the Match gets lit.   It's a candle.   U won't get it.   It defines and defies the darkness.  

Of coarse ur gonna be disappointed.  Bc I let myself down a billion times in the past   Cause I thought I owed the sky God a debt for being born under the wrong sign.   

And I'm not fitting in with all the straights.   And I'm not talking sexuality.    In their appearance.   They are perfect consumers for tv commercial advertising.   

Khakis. And shit.   And then the suits.   The monkey suit.   I don't actually fit in.

Its proven.   They think im a weirdo.  Bc they're competing over white or eggshell business card colors.   Like Christian bale American psychos.  

I'm in it. Just bc I can't outsell Harry Potter.   And writing is better when u don't give a fuck 

and that's a lie.  I'm just too cowardly to pursue my art and live at same time.  

And I don't know who I've become.   It's like.   A real patriarch.    Good ol boys are demeaning --- like.    Ok park my yacht.   I'm gonna get my martini    And treat me like I'm lesser than u for it  bc I don't have one     ANd only them think I want to be them    Just fall into the trap   

 Ill beat u any day sucker     And there goes my ego   I'm gonna ski   I'm gonna lose I'm gonna die   In that order

hey aren't I great with all the stuff I buy?   My consumer choices define me with   Yada yada yada  bore me to peaces   

And im lost   --- I gotta cloak who I am  but I don't    And it's often for the worst    

ok.   ----   I don't know ///.  I don't want to be ur slave.  So.  Like I'm ur equal.  And now I hate myself for even competing 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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I'm not trying to compete.  But they like gotta be the ones to just be in alignment with me. 

I dont want to be demeaned or treated less than worthy.  Bc I have been treated that way. By these golfing manager Dorks that work for corporate cogs in NYC.    And everyone is fed. 

 

I envy it.   But.  I want that with my freaky ass cult Nuevo beat anarchist mug in my office.       And I want to just take the paddle these little frat kids been pummeled with.   AND deflect.  Fucking beat them.   It's only bc freak girl superstar is already taken 

That's my fall back    Science /--   I gonna leverage a whole big monstrous collected gilded movement of awesome ---  and I don't know   It seems right to rob douchebags     

because of this neurotic bullshit comes out of the fact that the hipster goth girl i always got crush on is like dating some other dude already.  And I'm stuck fighting vampires off with a stick 

it's actually easy    Now     I'm certain   Exactly what I don't want   But.  It leaves me alone here fighting 1980s cliche yuppster with like perfect bullshit.   Fake as fuck 

That's why I like to beat them when I can hustle 

but it's debris on my soul.   This competitiveness.   

 

Im like upset.   ---  I fucked up at the love game too long now.  

And im secure.  But.  Ughhh.    It's like exhausting with some people.  And if I only.   Sparks.   Show me a spark. Bc.  I don't want to talk about boring stuff.    I want to know --   Do you draw weird comic books in ur diary----    Don't care.   Just want to fuck.  

But.  Like only cause I'm superficially in love right now. 

 

Im mentally fucked.   No one can handle it

Edited by M_The_Raven
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I love me.  Isn't that enough? 

But.  I've been unsure how that even works lately.   Bc.  I love myself enough to fit into a round hole as square peg?

nahhh.   I do love ur stinky feet.   So I would do it anyway.  Just to get mentally unfucked with my favorite creep at end of my day 

im just planning better around luck.  

I want to like be able to seize an oppurtinity --- if lightning strikes. 

Sucks.  I'm sooo never gonna get over the chase.  

Bc it's authentic ---   Omg.  And. Then.  I need to learn brakes.      Major brakes. 

Wait a sec.       don't escalate here.  

 

Fuck that.   Let's escalate.  U want to go do something?    Here's my boring place used to be more fun.    Now it's just stuff I don't have anymore.  Nothing impressive.  No drugs.   I don't touch em.   Be a drug and I want to overdose with love. 

Map.  Map.   Map.  

Lost in the fog again.  

Edited by M_The_Raven

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Then they ask.  "You got Facebook?"

and like.  Even if I did.  I don't want to be ur friend.   On Facebook at least. 

Why?

no.   This is our secret --- we can't tell Facebook 

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I need interaction. This place is like hall of shadows.    No voice.  Just like "shaking of their.  Head".  Silence m 

 

youre doing it all wrong!   You suck at life'.  Don't you know that u suck?    U overcharm. And undelivered or u undersold.  But I didn't go far enough to find out how much more awesome u are than I originally thought. 

So.  There's the middle ground

dark and mysterious

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Dear life.  Where's ur manual. 

But im certain by rules of cool. 

Um ---  im the antithetical monolith

all I do is layer late bc this week was up and downbeat.  

But im feeling like life just threw a lemon  at me.   And I'm athletic ease.  Poetic graceful.   I fucking set excitement beat on fire. 

Bring out the wolves.   And let's compare incisors. 

But I need honestly just like seriously like get over egotistical perfect perfect bullshit people and their perfect fuckibg bullshit manual that leads me absolutely no where.  Circle my soul with red ink and poke me with knifes unil i yield.   Usually that metaphors.   Fucking so over drama and I'm epic fairness.   I want real. But.  

I am sooooooooo not settling this time.  It's gotta be real

Edited by M_The_Raven

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