BatsZ

Lonely in LA, never been in a place as lonely as this

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Lonely in LA, never been in a place as lonely as this

Hi, all! I would like to ask you all what is the best I can do to beat or handle loneliness as I'm living in LA as a filmmaker. There is really no city in the world that I have lived as lonely, separated and disconnected as this. It is not something that you can see in first glance and I feel like I've been in for a rude awakening. It has been 3 years I've successfully migrated here and although I'm a foreigner, for the good part, it's the first place for me on planet Earth that is so protectively anti-racist thus I have never felt that I'm treated as a second class citizen so that makes it easy for me to get jobs just as equally as my local counterparts here. So, that's the beautiful part of LA. And the fact that it is so mixed and people from all around the world are here too which gives me a natural high. But there is no warmth and depth in friendships here even if everyone seems so "bubbly" and even when you have people to kinda hang out here, it always seems kinda "conditional." I don't know if you've heard of this but people here are so eager to pursue all their dreams, that they are so insular, fake? and selfish and then they wonder why they can be so lonely hence the say LA is "lonely collectively." They network or "commune" during meetups then no one gives a damn. Repeat. At this stage of my life, I feel like I have been a much better person as a human being right now (Teal's videos helped enormously too) and would like to share this light with the people around me, but I don't really have anyone to share it with except for my spouse. It has never been difficult for me to make friends especially close friends my whole life, even if I could be treated as "second-class citizen" at another place or they could be blatantly racist from where I am from originally or that I was painfully shy when I was little or even if I don't talk to neighbours. I feel like I have lost my spark and this is scooping me and hollowing me out and makes me feel really bad. The problem is, LA is where the film business is and I have worked for a long time for this and also my spouse says he has never been interested in the lure of New York or anywhere else and I've just found this love of my life and not planning to live away from him. Maybe I'm a coward or needy... But sometimes he has also said that he would move with me anywhere I go, but I'm not sure. My friends said go and convince him and in time he could change his mind. But anyway, sometimes I wanna plan to leave even if it takes time because I can't stand this and it's such a surprising element to not be able to click with a place just because it is a place with a brand new meaning of loneliness, and more than just having a few best friends when I do have them, I really wanna connect with the people because... all we have is each other! I'm not a saint but I want to get to know the people here but there is this barrier or mental barrier. I have been doing very well in terms of reconnecting with friends, accepting them as who they are, some even would say, "Hey, can you be my best friend?" But everytime we leave I am horrified to be left because it is always me who plans things, call people. It just feels so fake after a while. I have so much to tell but I'll just part here. I hope anyone reading here can say something about this problem, either if I should be working on leaving (takes time because a place like NY is more expensive), or making the best with what I have before I leave or even, as ambitious as this sounds, change LA through my art or music to stay more connected! Thank you, everyone. 

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Hi, Walt. I actually went to a church (even if I'm not religious), just to be able to mingle with the kids and parents there and people around my age group too. But I've never felt like they "communed" after church. There was nothing extra. It's my fault too cos I think they all think I'm a Christian when I'm not and it's just too much for me to bear "pretending" that I am. I like to go there too to get spiritualized. But it's such a small church of 10 people and it has been hard and awkward for me to finally reveal that I'm not a Christian to begin with. So I keep in touch with them but don't go anymore. It is my fault but now doing the Christian ritual just feels really weird for me. But lemme think about it. I could go back there ( the place is pretty far too actually esp that I dont have a car)maybe o can let them know. Can i still.come to just hang out and mingle do my own thing in and out then leave. Maybe thats okay.Thank you Walt for getting back to me. 

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I have felt quite lonely the past month and a half. I've felt lonely before when I was 15-16, but always had a group of close friends. Now we are older and have our own lives and never really talk. My one girlfriend who I used to be very close with bought a house with her boyfriend. She may text me from time to time to tell me we should meet up, but I have no excitement from that, and it also never happens, I would do it, but she never initiates it further(she hangs out with his girl friends now). But regardless, most of my friends I don't see. We have also changed in vibratory fields so that is why, but it is a bit painful because I have not allowed myself to gain close relationships other than my bf and his friends.

 

 

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On 2/11/2017 at 1:04 AM, Mark Joseph Middleton said:

Environment or location will only partially help. - So a nature reserve would give you a different feeling inside, as opposed to concrete and 4 square (often metal) walls. If the walls were wood, or granite, or limestone, and not filled to the brim with disorganized right angle electronics I daresay you'd feel different daily. Most people would, because where they were sitting would be different. - So that's one thing to always look at. Making the environment more natural, less chaotic. Clearing it up and keeping it tidy.

I am also trying to tell you moving will only do so much. There are also two other dynamics to this.

What you feel inside being okay. Loneliness. Don't fight yourself when you are feeling lonely, its not wrong or bad, curl up and ask someone for a hug, or hug yourself, or go and meet your friends. Being there for that part of yourself when you feel it is critical.

That brings us to friends - Are your friends interested in you. There for you. Not what you do. But you. This is the other part of loneliness, when you are alone in a group of people, because nobody is there for you, and you, possibly, are not there for them. It sounds like you've tried to be and not felt it returned, did you tell anyone it'd be nice if someone else organizes a day out or trip, as you are out of ideas or need some help? That, you, needed help. That's a good way to start to see if anyone is there for you, or just the day out. - Telling them what, you, are feeling. People being around us, acquaintances, there is nothing wrong with that, but it helps if friends are more invested in us, not just hanging around.

Hope it helps.

I think of it like - Friends need to relate, for there to be a relation-ship going on. 
Whereas acquaintances just need to turn up and be acquainted with you.
That way I usually know where I am with someone.

Hi, Mark. Thank you for your reply. I don't think so going back to nature would really help. Especially if I have go there alone, with no friends there. And if you naturally live in LA, you would naturally wanna hike or whatever anyway whenever you can, cos it's so empty. I have told one of my friends recently after not calling her for two months, and she felt a bit weird that I haven'the called. I finally said to her, no I haven't called just because I'may sick and tired of always calling. You should call too. She promised me to call next time. The other day, I had to call her a few weeks after I said that because of something, but basically it is always me who calls. I'mean so fucking fed up of this.  I have tonnes of acquaintances but I want true friends here, in LA. 

 

 

 

 

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On 2/12/2017 at 7:25 PM, Kels said:

I have felt quite lonely the past month and a half. I've felt lonely before when I was 15-16, but always had a group of close friends. Now we are older and have our own lives and never really talk. My one girlfriend who I used to be very close with bought a house with her boyfriend. She may text me from time to time to tell me we should meet up, but I have no excitement from that, and it also never happens, I would do it, but she never initiates it further(she hangs out with his girl friends now). But regardless, most of my friends I don't see. We have also changed in vibratory fields so that is why, but it is a bit painful because I have not allowed myself to gain close relationships other than my bf and his friends.

 

 

Hey Kels, thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear that about you and your friend. I hope it stays just as a transitional thing and soon enough you'll have more close friends and have a more colourful and richer social life. Do you live around LA? Cos my goodness, there is no place on planet earth lonelier than here and it'seems beyond" it'seems hard to make friends cos you're an adult", we stuck to out phones etc... I feel like I have been deceived. And that I've been so stupid to not be able to see this from the get go when everyone else can. I just wanna share my colours and my light with someone and actually the whole of LA but after people "project" to everyone how great their lives are and so many projects lining ip, all of them go back to their own shell. No sense of community or "one-ness" at all. Ping me with an email, Kels, if you like at batshebaforpresident@gmail.com. maybe we can chat for fun.

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On 2017-02-14 at 1:45 PM, BatsZ said:

Hey Kels, thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear that about you and your friend. I hope it stays just as a transitional thing and soon enough you'll have more close friends and have a more colourful and richer social life. Do you live around LA? Cos my goodness, there is no place on planet earth lonelier than here and it'seems beyond" it'seems hard to make friends cos you're an adult", we stuck to out phones etc... I feel like I have been deceived. And that I've been so stupid to not be able to see this from the get go when everyone else can. I just wanna share my colours and my light with someone and actually the whole of LA but after people "project" to everyone how great their lives are and so many projects lining ip, all of them go back to their own shell. No sense of community or "one-ness" at all. Ping me with an email, Kels, if you like at batshebaforpresident@gmail.com. maybe we can chat for fun.

My Pleasure :)

Thank you, that means a lot actually. My bf is very supportive and tells me she doesn't understand or isn't mentally where I am, which is true to an extent, but it is painful. I am slowly coming close to terms with what has been happening, but still hurts. I feel a bit betrayed you know? I actually don't live around L.A. I'm above you and to the right bit, Calgary Alberta Canada actually. I love it here, but I feel a sense of loneliness in my home town too. My city consists basically of rednecks, immigrants, or home grown Calgarian's like myself. I have wanted to come to California for a long time, as well as Arizona and Utah and all those states. It seems that perpetual loneliness is a bit more constant for L.A specifically. Everyone is willing to do anything to get where they want to be, but being their false selves, that's where the lack of connection and understanding happens I think. Sounds great I'll take you up on that offer! 

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