SpruceRabbit

What is the best way to find a girlfriend?

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What is the best way to find a girlfriend?

Hi everyone. So basically, I am 34 years old but I've never had a girlfriend yet. Yeah, I know it's probably unusual but I've always been quite a bit of an introvert. So my situation is that I live in Colorado with three of my brothers and sisters. My relationship with my youngest brother is fairly good, with my sister it is moderate, and with the brother who is older but still younger than me the relationship is poor. But in any case, we don't actually interact all the much and I feel like I need something more. So my question is: what is the best way to go about finding a girlfriend and is it possible to have a distance relationship at least at first because I live pretty far out in the countryside? Also, do you guys/girls find that a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is valuable or is it more work than it is worth?

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4 hours ago, SpruceRabbit said:

Also, do you guys/girls find that a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is valuable or is it more work than it is worth?

It is your mirror, all relationships are really, but girlfriend meaning this one person you are closer with than any other person than she will mirror everything about you. If you want that twin flame relationship love all of you. meaning accept all of you where you are. accept your broken foot, speech impediment, sensitivity, insecurities, your body, your personality, all of it and you wouldn't even crave a relationship anymore you're whole, but at that point you can see your twin flame if you want it, potential twin flames, other aspects of you. you will rarely find people attractive but the ones that are would be potential relation ships that would complement you. you would know yourself enough to know which relationships would and wouldn't work. Regular relationships are fine though lol.

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I guess part of me does want a relationship because I do feel sad/lonely at times. However, I'm not sure that a relationship would even help with that. Meanwhile, another part of me is afraid of change and another part is comfortable with my current life and doesn't want to put in the effort that a relationship would take.

Maybe for now I will just try to get out of the house more and try going to different social events or something. Getting a girlfriend at this time might be too big of a step for me. It can be a long term goal that might take a few years if I decide to do it.

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If you are heavily into porn ditch it, that'll help with the no agenda part, it'll up your natural drive to get out there, and it'll help your view of the opposite sex return to normal, not a sensationalised version.

I would be afraid to write this, but since my username is anonymous I can be honest. Yes I do view porn, maybe 15 minutes a day, so I wouldn't say I'm heavily into it but moderately. I do have trouble falling asleep so mainly I use it to help me sleep. I'm guessing that limited use of porn is OK, although some of the porn out there seems pretty out-of-alignment and I try to avoid it. Also, as you say porn probably reduces your natural drive for a relationship since you are gaining some of the benefits of a relationship without having to put in the effort. Although, for me I think the primary appeal of a relationship is to have a friend and to have someone to talk to. Also, it seems like most people who are in relationships are happier, although I could be wrong.

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What worked for me was actually leaving the house. This sounds so easy but for some is not. Small steps work well . Go out for dinner , shop two or three times per week so that you are out in public more. Many a man has met a woman at the supermarket. The best advice is , be yourself. Just remember , the woman of your dreams is not likely to just knock on your door, but you just may meet her at the bus stop ! A higher vibration will attract at the best of times.

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15 hours ago, SpruceRabbit said:

I guess part of me does want a relationship because I do feel sad/lonely at times. However, I'm not sure that a relationship would even help with that. Meanwhile, another part of me is afraid of change and another part is comfortable with my current life and doesn't want to put in the effort that a relationship would take.

Maybe for now I will just try to get out of the house more and try going to different social events or something. Getting a girlfriend at this time might be too big of a step for me. It can be a long term goal that might take a few years if I decide to do it.

For me having a girlfriend makes me really nice, at the same time I spent years without one and I was still very happy. Getting a girlfriend is not always an easy thing for most of us, you don't exactly buy them at the store, but it helps to be open to the idea.

If you are shy it is good to start talking to people. In the beginning this could be as simple as asking the person at the checkout something like "hey how is your day going?" or when you are waiting at the bus stop you could ask somebody where he bought his shoes/pants/glasses (whatever you like that he has). Or maybe in a clothes store, ask a girl: "would this shirt fit me?" Perhaps you see somebody playing a video game that you like, perhaps you can ask how far in the game they are.

Asking simple questions and asking for advice is a great way to open a conversation, because it is so innocent. The point of talking is of course  to get used to talking to people. It is easier to approach a girl if you are comfortable with small talk (lots of websites on how to small talk btw.) which is a great way to connect with somebody and sniff them out.


Also you have to learn how to be a little bit ballsy. Speaking to a girl is one thing but actually asking her out is another thing, the same goes with the first kiss. For example, I met my girlfriend when I stayed in a hostel and we all got drunk and went to a bar. On the way back we kissed but the next day she refused to go out for coffee with me, which shocked me a bit. Over the next week we had small chats here and there and I noticed interest from her side, so next Saturday when everybody went to a bar again and she stayed in the hostel I decided to stay with her. Of course it was majick for us that evening.
The point is that I had to pursue this girl, without really knowing if she liked me. That can be a bit scary sometimes, but once you have said those first few words to a girl you notice how easy that actually is ;)

In case of absolute desperate measures there lots of pick up artists offering help. A movement that got quit famous by a book called 'the game' by Neil Strauss. Actually a fun read too (yes, I am guilty). Cheers

Maybe some of the girls on this forum, have an idea?

Girls! (echo).. your input is valued

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Good advice everyone. I think for now I will try to take small steps in the direction I want. I was extremely shy as a child and although I am not as shy now I think I need to work on being more comfortable talking to people.

I drive to town when I have to, such as for shopping, but I think I can set a goal of getting out at least once a week. This could mean going to different events (although there aren't a lot where I live), or going to the gym, or joining a club, or even just walking around town.

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On 30-1-2017 at 11:59 PM, SpruceRabbit said:

Good advice everyone. I think for now I will try to take small steps in the direction I want. I was extremely shy as a child and although I am not as shy now I think I need to work on being more comfortable talking to people.

I drive to town when I have to, such as for shopping, but I think I can set a goal of getting out at least once a week. This could mean going to different events (although there aren't a lot where I live), or going to the gym, or joining a club, or even just walking around town.

It is good that you set this positive intention for yourself! I just feel like asking you this: are you pushing yourself with the strategy that you are proposing now? Connecting to people can be scary as hell and it means getting out of your comfort zone. I cannot judge you or the situation you are in and I don't mean to offend, but going out once a week is not a lot.

Your idea of joining a club is very nice, and is a great way to make contact with people, but you have to make sure it is a club where you interact with people. You can go in and out of a gym without saying a word. Maybe you can combine it with something you have always wanted to do like flying quadcopters, play chess, learn how to cook better, playing an instrument or make art.

Go for it! :)

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On 1/28/2017 at 8:08 PM, SpruceRabbit said:

What is the best way to find a girlfriend?

Hi everyone. So basically, I am 34 years old but I've never had a girlfriend yet. Yeah, I know it's probably unusual but I've always been quite a bit of an introvert. So my situation is that I live in Colorado with three of my brothers and sisters. My relationship with my youngest brother is fairly good, with my sister it is moderate, and with the brother who is older but still younger than me the relationship is poor. But in any case, we don't actually interact all the much and I feel like I need something more. So my question is: what is the best way to go about finding a girlfriend and is it possible to have a distance relationship at least at first because I live pretty far out in the countryside? Also, do you guys/girls find that a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is valuable or is it more work than it is worth?

I think wanting to find someone comes from our survival instinct or needs, which is not very satisfying in a long run if you think about it.

But wanting to be  with someone is more of a our primal thing that also includes desire to proCREATE that does not necessarily includes the desire to create children.

Reading some modern day relationship advices reminds me of "how to go fishing ". And, of course, a lot of them work. But honestly how many of you here ended up having a really great relationship that completely sweeps you off your feet?

Talking to different people today I feel that we as human species are finally craving raw&real relationships throughout our lives instead of rotting in something overcooked /half baked / inedible and call it a relationship.

There are 3 things in life that are killing us the fastest but bring the most pain and joy in life:

- the food that you choose to eat

- your job

- the person you're with

So make wise choices when it comes to it :D

The reason i don't like and in some ways disagree with the modern approach about relationships is because it reminds me of a social programming of what relationship should look/feel like to be called a relationship. As an example , many of those who are single as they get older , their preferences of a suitable partner changes according to their age/status/money etc. Basically things that didn't matter when they were in their 20s, matters after 30s and so on.

I am sure you probably know about visualizing your future partner. Some people even write it on a paper and successfully manifest. Good for them if it all works out, they are probably good at math too.

But what about those who  have been trying and trying and nothing happens ? I know some very good people that seem like can't meet a decent match, yet very successful with other things.

I think when it comes to LoA, whether it's manifesting a winning lottery or a relationship, if you limit yourself to certain "must have list", you're also limiting yourself from all the other great possibilities that could potentially show up.

I think everyone wants to experience pure and beautiful romantic love. Not just having gf/bf. It is really not that hard to find one, but if you @SpruceRabbit in a situation you're in, then i think there's more to it than just that.

Unfortunately social influences often makes us forget what pure romantic love feels like. But i am very sure that majority of people have experienced it at least once already. Most likely in our teen years. Did we go look for her/him? No. it just happened. Did we have any ideals or expectations at that time? No. 

I think that that very first feeling we had towards another person is the most pure. Innocent . Precious. Often secret. Sometimes makes no sense .  You cry for no reason. You loose your mind or speech.  Or both. Probably for good. You inspired to do great, evil and stupid things altogether. It makes you feel nervous every time you see that person. And then it's like "OMG HE/SHE TOUCHED MY HAND!!!!! Have to write it in my journal asap." :)

Adrenaline is skyrocketing. Often with a mission or a plan. Carefully thought out trajectory of how to cross each other's path and make it seem like it was meant to be. And sometimes it does. Reminds me of animals pacing back and forth before making next important move.

So, what i am trying to say is that i personally believe in that pure, naive and innocent love. I love it when it happens. It seems out of control because you're not entitled to anything. From my experience , it is possible to have it again and again, even if you're in a long term or long distance  relationship. Just keep your mind open and try not to wrap it too much around familiar things.

At the same time i think these  are the kind of relationships that people are afraid of the most but want them anyway. They also bring us the most pain and pleasure. 

Anyways. I don't know if I am right about it or not. But if I am then it explains a lot...

 

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On 2/1/2017 at 5:33 AM, Redbeard said:

It is good that you set this positive intention for yourself! I just feel like asking you this: are you pushing yourself with the strategy that you are proposing now? Connecting to people can be scary as hell and it means getting out of your comfort zone. I cannot judge you or the situation you are in and I don't mean to offend, but going out once a week is not a lot.

It is true that going out once a week isn't particularly ambitious. It is something I'm afraid to do though, so I don't want to push myself too hard.

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Your idea of joining a club is very nice, and is a great way to make contact with people, but you have to make sure it is a club where you interact with people. You can go in and out of a gym without saying a word. Maybe you can combine it with something you have always wanted to do like flying quadcopters, play chess, learn how to cook better, playing an instrument or make art.

Definitely if I went to the gym or something I would be tempted to just go there and avoid interacting with anyone. It is something I will have to be aware of.

It's interesting that you mention quadcopters because that is something I've wanted to try, although I may start with something that costs less money.

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Go for it! :)

Thank you!

On 2/1/2017 at 0:43 PM, Mark Joseph Middleton said:

If you ever want to completely get over meeting people, perhaps speed date. I've never done it myself, but 20 people in a very short space of time, won't tell you much about them, but I doubt you'll have the same fears you walked in with about meeting people. At least they won't be the same, you'll have a different point of reference, and heck the worst thing that can happen is you are out a few dollars, a few hours of your time and some figeting in a chair.

Doing things like this thread, talking about it, brings that fear to the surface and its already diminished. Talking with people about these things helps the fears, you and them. Because slowly bit by bit, you realise that some people stick around to listen, and are interested, some not, and that's okay both ways. Your fears are okay, natural, part of you. They realise theirs are, and so they are more open with you, or others, and so on the cycle goes.

All the best.

I've never tried speed dating before. There was someone at work who I liked and we ate lunch together a few times, but it wasn't really a date since she was a colleague, so I don't really have experience with dating.

Like you say just talking about these kind of issues is helpful. It may not solve the issue immediately, but it is good to know there are people out there who care.

On 2/1/2017 at 10:55 PM, Garnet said:

Reading some modern day relationship advices reminds me of "how to go fishing ". And, of course, a lot of them work.

That's too bad if that's the way it is, but I imagine you are probably right.

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There are 3 things in life that are killing us the fastest but bring the most pain and joy in life:

- the food that you choose to eat

- your job

- the person you're with

I agree with with you here. I used to eat not very well and it was causing serious health issues for me so I was almost forced to improve my diet. I still want to make some improvements such as switching to organic food, but that may have to wait either until I grow my own food or make more money.

Having a job that you like is very important for your health. I've learned that the hard way by working at a job that I didn't like for about 10 years. Luckily, I left that job at the end of the year and so now I'm kind of taking, recovering, and deciding what to do next.

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I think everyone wants to experience pure and beautiful romantic love. Not just having gf/bf. It is really not that hard to find one, but if you @SpruceRabbit in a situation you're in, then i think there's more to it than just that.

I think that you're probably right. After all, there are dating apps and websites so it probably wouldn't be that hard to find a gf/bf. In my case it maybe more of a self-esteem issue, like feeling that I am not worthy of having a girlfriend. It maybe something that goes back to my childhood. I was the oldest of five siblings so I got hardly any attention from my mother. After I started going to school (and I really didn't want to go) I felt like I was kind of abandoned and my parents really didn't seem to understand how much pain I was in. The deep sadness and anger that I felt interfered with my ability to communicate with my peers and so I didn't really have friends. Anyway, that is something I have to deal with and hopefully overcome.

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So, what i am trying to say is that i personally believe in that pure, naive and innocent love. I love it when it happens. It seems out of control because you're not entitled to anything. From my experience , it is possible to have it again and again, even if you're in a long term or long distance  relationship. Just keep your mind open and try not to wrap it too much around familiar things.

At the same time i think these  are the kind of relationships that people are afraid of the most but want them anyway. They also bring us the most pain and pleasure. 

I think that is the type of relationship people want (or at least some people). We want relationships that are deep and meaningful even if they are sometimes painful. I don't think many people came to Earth because they want a bland and boring life. Anyway, thank you for your comments.

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First get involved in something you like to do, skating, dancing, bowling, or something you care about, save the whales, coop health food store, church etc so as to meet people of similar interests. Dating sites are generally for profit and want money an alternative is "Plenty of Fish" I met my wife there but only after throwing many fish back. Stop looking for a girlfriend and start making friends, being a friend. Enjoy the ride! Peace

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So I've looked into what activities are happening near where I live. There isn't a lot unfortunately, but I did find: amateur radio club, chess club, dancing, tai chi, Rotary Club, Kiwanis, biking, pickleball (though the last two probably don't happen this time of year). As Pastor George said, it may not be a good idea to get too focused on finding a girlfriend. Making friends maybe more important. However, perhaps even more important than making friends might be working on my health for now. I thought I had resolved most of my health issues, but apparently my adrenal glands still aren't working the way they should. That combined with trouble sleeping makes it hard to socialize because it is hard to interact with people when you are tired and irritable. Anyway, I just wanted to update you guys on my current plans.

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It is interesting how my goal shifted from getting a girlfriend to improving my health. I guess since getting a girlfriend might seem much harder for me, shifting my goal maybe a way of me to avoid doing so. As you said Mark, it is easy to throw a lot of things in the way of your goals and also to think that you need to be perfect in order to move forward. I suppose I've kind of been doing that.

I went to a friend's birthday party today--which I haven't done in many years. It made me realize that connecting with people improved my mood and got my mind off all the little aches and pains in my body that my consciousness is often focused on otherwise. So, while I do have real health challenges, focusing on them too much may actually make them worse instead of better. And using them as an excuse not to socialize can create a kind of cycle in my life where I don't progress at all.

So I'm not sure if I will try to make friends, or just join some group, or look for a girlfriend, but any of these paths would be a step forward.

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2 hours ago, SpruceRabbit said:

I went to a friend's birthday party today--which I haven't done in many years. It made me realize that connecting with people improved my mood and got my mind off all the little aches and pains in my body that my consciousness is often focused on otherwise. So, while I do have real health challenges, focusing on them too much may actually make them worse instead of better. And using them as an excuse not to socialize can create a kind of cycle in my life where I don't progress at all.

So I'm not sure if I will try to make friends, or just join some group, or look for a girlfriend, but any of these paths would be a step forward.

Do it all at the same time :)

You want all those things so why focus on one thing? You have already noticed that connecting with people improves your mood and a better mood will affect your health and will also attract more good things in life, like a girlfriend. Of course you won't go out when your health will not allow you, so yes it is good to work on that. And don't forget that a girlfeind might help you when you are sick or could connect you to new people. All these things are woven into each other and can help each other. I think it is awesome that you are being more clear on what you want, that is absolutely the best place to start from.

Did you look at meetup.com ? They may have something interesting in your area.

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