Andrey ANosov

powerless, procrastination avoidance

4 posts in this topic

powerless, procrastination avoidance

Hey guys,

I find it difficult to do anything on my own. I never finish what i have started. Even the completion process. Ive read half of the book, and now Im stuck. I don't even know how to start feeling my emotions. When my emotions trigger, it seems like I avoid them by trying to tap in, even though I experience strong emotions when they trigger. 

My history -very abusive childhood, my dad physically abused me all my childhood. I have always felt abandoned by everyone. Rejected. Outcast. Always felt like there was something wrong with me. In self help for 5 years, no result of course. 3 years in relationship with constant suicidal thoughts, and extreme feelings of loneness and not understood. Thank god I realized, before it was too late, that i had no boundaries, and left the relationship. even though we had a kid together.

 

my questions:

any one can relate to this, so we can work together?

or perhaps a practitioner who can help to get me started at least. 

thanks

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On 28-1-2017 at 4:27 AM, Andrey ANosov said:

powerless, procrastination avoidance

Hey guys,

I find it difficult to do anything on my own. I never finish what i have started. Even the completion process. Ive read half of the book, and now Im stuck. I don't even know how to start feeling my emotions. When my emotions trigger, it seems like I avoid them by trying to tap in, even though I experience strong emotions when they trigger. 

My history -very abusive childhood, my dad physically abused me all my childhood. I have always felt abandoned by everyone. Rejected. Outcast. Always felt like there was something wrong with me. In self help for 5 years, no result of course. 3 years in relationship with constant suicidal thoughts, and extreme feelings of loneness and not understood. Thank god I realized, before it was too late, that i had no boundaries, and left the relationship. even though we had a kid together.

 

my questions:

any one can relate to this, so we can work together?

or perhaps a practitioner who can help to get me started at least. 

thanks

 

Hey, I think it is a great that you are asking for a helping hand and I hope you find it. I am personally not the best to help you but I have noticed with procrastination that it helps when you make small reachable goals on a day and don't set too many of them. Just up to 5 or something like that. Also don't make it too loose, but a well defined goal. Things like "reading a book" is not as defined as "reading page 50-65 today." The point is that accomplishing a goal will feel good and motivates for other goals.

As for your emotions: have you seen this video? It is very very good :)

 

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I can relate :) 

I grew up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful household. From the time I was small I always felt invisible, unheard, and unimportant because my emotional needs to feel validated and like I matter were not met. 

I enter a freeze state and I eventually have panic attacks every time I try to go after something that I want. I've had this problem my whole life with anything that I wanted to commit to - I just couldn't do it, no matter how much I wanted to or needed to. I couldn't get anything done that I wanted desperately and deeply to commit to.

A couple of days ago, I realized that the reason I feel this way - that I freeze and I cannot do anything, even (especially) things that I want to do - is because the things I wanted to do were not considered important enough by my parents for them to support me in them. What this said to me as a child was "what you want is wrong (improbable, not important enough to consider, or just simply wrong) and we are not going to support you in this, so you can choose to go after what you want and die because you can't support yourself, or you can give up on your dreams and do what is right in our eyes and live". I carried this subconscious belief from my childhood into my adulthood in the form of "god will abandon me if I go after what I want, because what I want is wrong". 

What you are experiencing is abandonment trauma. Abandonment by your parents *and* yourself. You can't and don't trust yourself, because you abandoned yourself in order to survive and you don't trust the universe/ god because your parents abandoned you emotionally.

I had tried time and time again to go into CP over this issue without avail, and it was only after I had done some shadow work that wasn't CP and actually figured out *exactly* what my issue was that I could go into CP. I suggest you watch Teal's video on "Fear of Commitment", this one helped me a lot to figure out exactly what the problem was so that I knew what the emotion I was diving into was when I felt it.

I think the main thing after understanding why you have this problem (emotional neglect and emotional abandonment) is to not go into an emotion just because you know you have it within you (ie, don't go into it to try to fix it), you have to be triggered. I expected to go into the feeling of "despair" because that's an emotion I know has a lot to do with my traumas, but the emotion I ended up being triggered by and going into was "hopelessness" which sound the same, but they weren't for me. I was trying to go into (fix) the "wrong" emotion, essentially, instead of letting it just happen naturally as it inevitably will. I had been trying again and again to do CP and "fix" myself instead of being willing to be present with whatever came up without judgment. I knew what "despair" felt like to me, so I would try to go in to CP and get to "despair" but I just never finished and I always ran into a wall.

Essentially, I could not go into CP, because I was abandoning myself instead of being fully present with myself. It sounds like a paradox, but it's not. I was trying to get rid of this painted idea of me, not accept and integrate whatever came up, no matter how ugly. I was emotionally neglecting myself, the part of me that felt completely and utterly hopeless, and I didn't even see it, I thought I was taking care of myself.

When I was finally able to get triggered enough to go into the CP, it was the most heartbreaking and gut wrenching sessions I have ever done and it was not short. This kind of trauma (emotional neglect and abuse) is not a one-time trauma. It was a lifestyle that I was raised in. I had to face not only my parents complete abandonment, but my own abandonment of myself. My inner child did not want me to be one of the people there comforting her, though she did let me into the room, and she did gladly come with me to the safe haven after it was said and done.

So, when you next get triggered, intensely and unavoidably, dive into the feeling of whatever pops up and don't try to make anything happen, just ask yourself "when was the first time I felt this?" and "what do you need/ want now?" at the appropriate times. Like I said, instead of trying to do CP right now, perhaps focus on shadow work and following the feelings you have and writing them down and watching Teal's videos first, because sometimes just trying to go into the process does more harm than good if you are trying to do it to get away from the emotion or to change it :) good luck

Edited by lightworker

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Isn’t it interesting to look at how similar some of our upbringings can be, and how differently we respond to them.  Not 2 hours ago, I was finally able to encapsulate my entire life into one easily explained pattern: rescue me.  It’s difficult to find a single moment in my life that wasn’t spent writhing in pain in some crisis, then somebody (barely) came to my rescue.  Over and over and over again.  Nothing ever seemed to happen outside the boundaries of that broken record.  Engineer a crisis, get rescued.  Engineer a crisis, get rescued.  Etc.

It only underscores how deeply in control of our own lives we really are, and how senseless it is to look for answers “out there.” 

Why is it wrong to procrastinate?  Is doing so really getting in the way of carrying out your life as the person you really are, or is doing so really just an attempt to conform to what others taught you is “good” and “right,” or “not bad” and “not wrong.”  Avoiding being bad/wrong/inferior/broken/etc. or being good, etc.; ultimately it’s all the same thing.

Repeating patterns in life are the best windows into ourselves that I know of because they are so dominant in their ultimate source.  Lather, rinse, repeat; lather, rinse, repeat; okay when can I stop?  NEVER!  Lather, rinse, repeat… it’s an infinite loop until something (i.e. you) gets in there and alters the mechanism.  Awareness does that.  Know thyself.

I have never had a breakthrough that didn’t sneak up from behind me, where I didn’t even realize a breakthrough was occurring until after it had occurred.  Then I would look back and try to figure out what just happened.  At least for me, that’s when I know it’s for real.

Everybody loves you conditionally.  You can trigger every living human being to be abusive.  No matter how much you be what others want, or avoid being what they look down on, there is no reward in it.  But normally we won’t believe that until we experience it.  There is no salvation out there - not from anybody, what they think about you, how they feel about you, how much they want you or stop hating you or realize how bad they were to you.  None of it will help you, beyond teaching you how useless it is to have it.

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