urbanmystic

the work doesnt end, but does it stabilize?

11 posts in this topic

the work doesnt end, but does it stabilize?

I feel broken all the time, and am self focused out of fear and wanting to fix myself desperately. If there is nothing wrong with me, then why do I feel so alone and unsuccessful? And yet, if im self-focused then somehow I am a narcissist in the view of the world and cannot contribute effectively to the relationships I want so desperately to have. I feel terribly alone, it is unbearable.

I am creating myself as my own enemy, the mind is incredibly active, so much so I fear it to be frank. I can create any painful reality for myself and believe it fully. Sometimes I feel like I dont even know what reality is or who I am. I think I could just let this pass as a bad night, and do my regular completion process and shadow work, journaling etc. but I am always shocked and disheartened at how much work I feel it takes to just be 'normal' or functioning in this world. I feel angry that I have to do so much processing and work, that I am constantly triggered, even after doing completion process around 50 times at this point, and shadow work and other modalities fill my life completely. The neuroses seem to just keep coming and unfolding right when I think I am healthy. I feel so disheartened right now.

Teal posted the throat chakra episode today and as i was answering the questions, I realized all the ways I'm fucked up in this area; actually it became painfully clear on FB today in a discussion on a hot button topic. Yes, you could argue that these aspects were being illumined for integration, but sometimes I feel like things get illumined and not really integrated all the way. How do you integrate something completely?

In the last year I have received a lot of disappointment on the personal and career level and no matter what I do it keeps coming. Im sorry i realize this sounds like a terrible soap opera. I definitely have light in my life, and do not feel depressed per se, not like I used to. And yet it seems all my effort- to figure out a great career, to have achievements related to it, to have a meaningful intimate relationship and friendships and family relations they all seem deranged and fruitless

Edited by urbanmystic

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Sounds to me like you are so busy fixing yourself you've forgotten to love yourself. Stop trying to fix yourself and start loving yourself just as you are. Once you can accept yourself as you are and love yourself, it becomes much easier to change and grow into the person you like and love and want to be. Forgive yourself for being who you are and ask yourself why you feel what you feel and do what you do. Once you can see where the stuff you don't like about yourself comes from you have a much easier time choosing a better path in the future. Be Blessed, be a blessing.

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     I just want to stop feeling paralyzed by emotions in life. i really dont know what to do. I feel like I've had a breakdown, and its clear that a big issue is holding myself back out of deep fear of rejection. I even want to push away my loving partner because I am sure they will leave if they see how fucked up I truly am. There is no evidence they will leave and we have very transparent communication. I can see that self love is trying to stay in a relationship I value, and being vulnerable because it is what I truly want regardless of the partner's actions.

   It also became clearer yesterday that I am creating the reality of rejection, because it was literally happening in every single interraction, it was uncanny. Somehow I still feel a victim to my reality, my mind, and I cannot seem to empower myself enough to focus positively towards what I want. The pain is unbearable. Can anyone offer their perspective on creating positive reality from a not so positive place?

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wow, that doesnt feel good to hear. I have done years of therapy, and I dont feel like it has done much actually. I feel like you are saying I'm a hopeless case.

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well then wouldnt the completion process be the helpful antidote? Going back to therapy seems utterly hopeless. any specific type of counselor you would reccommend?

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nothing is wrong with you. people are realizing this system that currently exists is not fun and its very normal to be depressed while in it. I guess mental illness would be like spiritually without any understanding about it and the mind and reality. if you grew up around like atheists, or scientific minded people and just the though of being connected spiritually can come off as having a mental illness. Some people have very different perspectives. some people see in black and white, color blind, have synesthesia(my favorite), we can put a label on any spiritual ability and this isn't me trying to justify crazy, but there is a spiritual reality and some people can actually see it, it isn't a belief, they can see the aura and all that, just how we can perceive emotions, this isn't a belief, its what the body can do, and humans on the whole spectrum will have some spiritual perspectives and its very normal and all this stuff is old but since western society labels everything and has the crazy meaning to the label its affects you. Crazy is just yang surrounded by yin, if you know what I mean. Any arbitrary rules will make you think something is wrong with you. they aren't even real rule, society has just agreed to these made up rules. If you cant reach a standard its hard to allow yourself to be the way you are, but allow it no matter where you are, its fine, you're still loved and can be trust me. family is full of conditional love, so if you are around that try to separate yourself from them. you're fine.

Edited by Alex7
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On 1/23/2017 at 4:13 PM, urbanmystic said:

Thanks for that Walt I do have quite a few

If you have other interests and hobbies incorporate them into your work! maybe this will give you boost of energy you're missing . 

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