Rui Carlos

I feel hollow

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I feel hollow

I feel bad. I am anxious and lately I´ve been feeling depressed a lot. I´ve done some inner child child work and I came to understand a lot of way I act the way I do. I understand myself better. But I can not see any change. maybe some changes but I feel stuck still. what I wish the most is to find someone special. I am 24 years old male and never had someone special in my life. my parents were never emotionally available for me so I guess I keep attracting people that are not emotioanlly availble for me.

Today I went to play soccer. I was playing good. Then a girl showed up. I started feeling anxious. then my game went down. what is more interesting is that I know that girl doesn´t mean anything to me. I mean she is with someone. It happens a lot. I feel like I have to prove something to girls so they might like me. I have to play very good so they can pay atention to me. it´s very weird because I know it´s stupid. it´s not just her. It happens to any girl. I guess I am desperate. I am started to see every women as a potencial. since my childhood my parents thought me that I have to be someone or to prove something so people could like me. I always worry about what people thing of me. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of being alone. I feel a void between me and my parents...me and my friends...me and people around me. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. these past few days I feel kinda numb. I don´t understand why I am here. What´s the point of living like this? what´s the point of living with this void inside of me. I am at a point where is not easy for me to thing that people may like me or find me atractive. I feel invisible to this world. I don´t know hwo to talk to ...I don´t what to do or where to go? Please I need help, I am lost.

Edited by Rui Carlos
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I'd say Keep playing soccer... play even more soccer, practice by yourself, if need be.   Soccer seems to be your Joy.    Soccer help you fee good about yourself.   I feel a parallel in your sentiments with myself, though it was 8 years ago, and my soccer was Yoga, three times a week and some cardio.  I happened to meet this waitress and had a really good vibe with her.  (I was having lunch with my Mom.)  A few days later, I bought a gift, a book and gave her my number... I was obviously super nervous... be she called me back, yadda, yadda, yadda,  a couple months later, I broke it off.  It was definitely awesome!   And it seemed like shortly a few months after that, I got involve with another woman by accident... a cougar!  ...  ... ...  that was a while ago...  but before that, I remember asking, how many days are there in 50 years?  and asking,,, do I really feel i'm destined to be lonely for the rest of my life? ...   Just keep doing what you like to do, so when you do collide into someone else, you are already are a happy person, so that you're a little bit more care free instead of being nervous.  Detach from the outcomes of the invitations to the girls you'd enjoy meeting.  or rather,  meet the person before you formally give that invitation.  :-)    Just trust the process.  Just because it doesn't look like we making progress, doesn't earn that we aren't....     As far as suicidal thoughts, I do believe in reincarnation, and that we are here to learn a lesson... and that suicide would mean we'd have to start all over again...  I think it especially cool that we've found this Law of attraction/manifesting philosophy/spirituality,  in this lifetime, that gives us some tools to figure out how to create the life we are looking to experience.   Needless to say, if you do feel you need professional help, get it.  I took prozac for a period of time, 2-3 years... but it wasn't forever.   Let me know if anything I said helps, or if you have another question or something.   Om Shanti,  David.

Edited by David B
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Are you able to talk to girls like they are just people and have there be no underline intention there? like trying to make them your girlfriend or I hope she likes you, or flirting, but just a very normal conversation, not even a complement, just a conversation? Feminine energy is more softer so they can pick up on emotions just naturally more than males, so some know what you're doing before you do it. Of course us overthinking something before it happening is very different than just having the conversation and its super easy, but that overthinking before part is what messes with you.

I will say this. stop watching porn and connecting girls with sexual energy, it's not even healthy sexual energy. If you are going to ejaculate learn how to save your seed(sperm) its the spot under your testicles, press hard right when you are about to orgasm for like 25 seconds, nothing comes out, you don't lose that energy. there is a lot of manifestation energy in keeping your "seed" by the way, but most guys waste it and are drained people. if you want to masturbate just do that, its the losing the energy that is bad, it really is, we are supposed to keep it. do that you will be able to talk to girls without this unhealthy sexual energy that somehow became normal at a young age. kids watch porn at what like 12-14 probably younger and that momentum carries on and its not even healthy, it creates this weird energy where we cant even talk to the opposite sex without someone thinking there is a underline intention there. Everyone has a vibe and they can feel your vibe if you are full or shit or nervous or trying to "fuck" them and that's it. If you want that real platonic relationship do that.

Edited by Alex7
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@David B Soccer was my passion. I was so good at it. But lately I feel pretty bad after I play soccer. It´s like my body and mind are not adjusting to the game anymore. I am starting to thing that I should stop playing for a while and try to look for other things that I may like. even when i win a game I still feel bad so maybe that´s a sign that I should stop. I like dancing even if i don´t show it. May friends think I don´t know how to dance. The problem is that I feel anxious around them and I can not open up so i feel awkward and I don´t usually dance. I´ve always wanted to start over. to go to a place where I knew no one. Whenever I try to do something new, bold and out of the ordinary my friends and people around me look at me like I am this freak and my friends usually say stuff like "Is that you Rui? what happpened?Were you drunk? I am sure you were. It´s not like you to act like that". I get so mad when they say stuff like that. it feels like it´s not ok for me to express how I feel. they don´t understand it or find it weird. The sad part is that even all this years they don´t even know hwo i am and it´s not ok for me to at least try to be myself. I am looking for a way to leave this place. I was talking to someone on the place I want to move so I can have an idea how to begin. I don´t know how to start. I don´t have a job so I don´t know how to start. How can I move to place when I have no money so I can at least survive until I find a job?
I understand how death works now. It makes total sense to me and I agree with the things Teal says. But sometimes I can not see any hope. I finished my degree 3 years ago and I am still here, the same. No job and no relationships. My anxiety paralizes me and I am to afraid of what the world might think of me. I fear rejection a lot. when I am rejected the pain is so intense that I feel sick and I wish to die sometimes. It feels like I am rejecting this body. But I haven´t  killed myself which means that I still want to live. all my life I saw that i was the kind of person that needed support and to have someone special by my side. Love is the basis of my existence. Love is my core. That is why I guess there´s no sense for me to live like this. I just wanted to be loved and still do. I am a taurus so stabiltiy,safety and love are my ground. I keep pushing still because I want to know how it feels to have those things. But it hurts so much living this way...there is so much pain.


@Alex7 I don´t usually talk to girls to hit on them. Actually it´s not my style. I´ve always tried to talk to them like normal people. during this time I realized that I am not the hiting on girls type of guy. Usually things happens quite normal when it comes to girls. I start talking to someone and things happen. I don´t know how it happens but i talk to them because I like their presence and the talk is good. the distance between dating is in terms of years. . So i start feeling desperate like I can not take it anymore. so whenever I am close to a girl during so much time I start feeling crazy anxious even though I don´t like her or want to hit on her. I feel awkward. and when I start something with someone usually they leave. I´ve always tried to understand what was wrong with me. I´ve never been the too attached kind of guy and wasn´t affraid of showing my feelings either. i understand that it had to do with my childhood. I saw a padron there. then I learnt about the law of atraction and i understood what was going on. I kept atracting girls that weren´t emotionally available like my mother. both my parents weren´t. My father was my mother´s priority so I was left out. My parents made me feel bad for what I was and I found the easiest way out. i am sensitive. I don´t know if i am an empath or not but most of the time I can experience what people do. so my mother was easier to reach. She felt vitimized. i used (subconsciously) my senstivity to figure out how she felt and made her feelings my own so I could feel accepted by her. And whenever I tried to speak my emotions out she would be angry at me. as a child I tried to help her emotionally instead of her being there for me. So, during my 24 years of existence I haven´t found someone emotionally available for me. those girls were expecting something from me like my mother did . whenever I put myself in a place of vulnerability and started showing them my fears they wouldn´t understand and leave. I am the one that has to help everyone... to be the support. I am done with that. My parents are not my problem. i don´t have to be there for them. I like helping but I am done with people only coming to me when they need something.

As for porn I don´t watch porn anymore. I used to watch porn every night before i wen to sleep.  i would masturbate once everyday, I knew something was wrong so i stoped. I looked online for the people on the same situation as me. I found the site yourbrainonporn.com and nofap.com. I understood what was wrong and i joined nofap. i haven´t watch porn in almost 6 months. during this time i´ve masturbated 4 times without porn or or fantazy. my sensitivity is back and I actually don´t have to fantasize anymore to reach orgasm. porn is not an option for me anymore. as for semen retention i read a lot about it. my goal is to have sex without ejaculating. i am senstive kind of guy down there and is not easy for me to hold it. i know the consequences of ejaculation cause i experienced them myself.

all i can say it that i want someone real...something real. uncontional love is my core belief. Love is the contrast of my life. I couldn´t understand why i felt the way i did. i couldn´t explain it. i wasn´t conscious of it. now i am. i just don´t know if i have the strength to keep pushing.

how can I break that padron?

Edited by Rui Carlos

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46 minutes ago, Rui Carlos said:

As for porn I don´t watch porn anymore.

nice!

I had a pattern for a while where girls would end up leaving. that's exactly what my dad did. its so weird how the subconscious works and picks the people that act like your father did to try to get them to love you, but its subconsciously you trying to get your father to love you through this person. Its such a weird design, but whatever. I had to sort of give up on my dad, that relationship was not helping me even though I did love him, I don't think he loved me and I had to accept that. He only called me when he wanted to get in touch with my brother, sister, or mom, but never to talk to me, but he would bullshit like he did love me, but he's a compulsive liar and I grew up with that, I don't know the real him, he's just always been that liar trying to get something out of you guy. That patterned stopped, so now those people aren't attractive to me, and I don't take it person if people do leave or freak out if a text doesn't come back right away lol, its all just a learning experience for me to heal that part of me so I don't fall for that anymore.

For me since I love to evolve, like I fucking love it. I rarely find people attractive, so now the people who I find attractive are people from my soul group(twin flames) or people in their blue print doing what they were born to do and actually doing it. I sort of turned asexual, I've always been that way, sex is never the goal for me, I don't really care for it or at least this very low version of sex doesn't interest me. to me I love perspectives, I love to talk with people and that is more fascinating to me, Being vulnerable going back and forth in a conversation is more interesting to me, but everyone is different. I don't even think I'm here for myself, just to help the earth evolve by just having my energy here that's why the other stuff doesn't interest me. I like emotional connections much more.

Accept who you are and where you are and it will open up, that's like the rule, almost like telling someone to change, but they have to be told they are loved no matter where they are in life or they don't change because they get the confirmation they cant be loved from the outside, addicts get stuck in this loop because they get told where they are isn't good, so it doesn't change and the family thinks they are helping, but they make it worse and there's always trauma there, not do this then you get love, no you are loved already and can be loved at any stage, unless you give off a stay away from me vibe or anything like that you aren't aware of.

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@Alex7 I understand how you feel about the assexual feeling. I remember having attraction for girls and then when we would end up together all I wanted was to be there with the person. I didn´t care if we didn´t have sex. Then I would go home thinking that there was something wrong with me. all my friends talked about sex and how they enjoyed. i want sex but not like that i guess.  that padron kept repeting itself. i guess it was me trying to feel emotional connection. I would be so pshysically attracted to someone and when we would end up together sex didn´t matter as much. I thought I was assexual and that the fact that i was attracted to sex was because society says so. I would get mad because I couldn´t be like everyone else. when I stopped watching porn things changed a lot. I started wishing connection even more. I was with this girl I liked and i really connected with her, emotionally. I´d like to think that´s true. we got to know each other better first and when things got more intense this time I really wanted to have sex. But it wasn´t the kind of desperate sex to get off. it was something meaningfull to me. it seemed to me as a way to make that connection something I could feel physically. Like I said I am taurus so by nature I am a physical being. We didn´t do it because she was sick per say and I was really anxious. when I remember the feeling of being horny with her it wasn´t something like the one when you watch porn and you had to desperately get off. instead it was and energy that was moving me towards her. to connect physically with her.

Latelly i´ve been feeling kinda numb and kind of assexual. it scares me. not that there is something wrong with being assexual. it´s just that I´ve always needed thouch to really understand people. it´s like I can feel people´s energy through touch.  even thoug I am  an emotional person and wish for emotional connection my way of expressing it is through contact. when I was watching porn even thouch wouldn´t work so I knew something was wrong to me.

when it comes to my parents i´ve always felt they weren´t there. I wished so may times I had no parents because the void was like there was no parents there. At least there would be an explanation for me to feel that void. when my father would travel I would feel sso happy. the air seemed more breathable and light. when I would travel like in holidays usually I would grow in height and gain some weight. but healthy weight. I´ve always felt that there was something wrong about my home. it´s like there is this dark cloud over my head and i feel bad all the time. when I was a kid i had a lot of headaches and would be sick all the time. All I needed to do was to go outside and my head would stop hurting. my father always neglected my emotions and would make me shut up whenever I wanted to to say something. he would also hit me a lot. things always thad to be his way. he told me he had nothing because of us. I felt wrong to be me and guilty to have been born. my mother also made me feel wrong even though seh didn´t realized it. she felt victimized so she didn´t see her mistakes with me. whenever I felt hungry and asked for food she would be angry and say she hadn´t eaten so I could have something to eat. whenever I got angry she would also get angry because I have no reason to be angry in her book. even now she does that. sometimes i cook and there plenty for her but she doesn´t take it and then she says the same sutff all over again. I realized that she is here because deep down she wants to be here and she care a lot for my fahter.  My father cares for himself and my mother cares for my father, My male friends remember me of my father because they always want things their way and the female ones are like my mother. they need me to be emtionally avalable for them. I try to make my male friends understand me and the females to see my need for emotional suport by feeling what they do. I can resume my relationships with both male and female : I want you to know I am there. that I have emotions and needs as well. that I am me. that I have a self.

OMG it´s like my childhood all over again. I se it more clear now.

Once i was like "maybe I am here to help people. to sacrifice myself. I don´t care if something happens to me as long as my family and friends are ok" but deep down I felt angry when saying that. I felt angry all my life. yesterday i realized my anger was there all along. trying to reach out to me. to tell me to free myself. On the other hand my anxiety tries to paralize me and make me stay the way people want me to be. I know that I am not here to only help me because the same feeling of anger of my childhood that makes me want to break free is assiciated with those words of only helping people. sacrifice in my book is to be selfish. Everyone is diferente. I tried to supress my anger but now I actually think it´s my higher self trying to break me from the chains of my anxiety. I guess my anger is my higher self and me anxiety is my ego. both are trying to protect me. I am in aproval of both lately.

Maybe for you is diferent because you are you and I wouldn´t won´t to change you because I respect people they way they are. each one have their purpose so for the expantion to happen. 

talking to you made me realize a lot about myself. tks for answering and understanding me. tks for your insight. I wish to hear more of your opinion about this. 

Actually I dont´believe in coincidence. you came to me and I am here for you for a reason.

Edited by Rui Carlos
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2 hours ago, Rui Carlos said:

@Alex7 I understand how you feel about the assexual feeling. I remember having attraction for girls and then when we would end up together all I wanted was to be there with the person. I didn´t care if we didn´t have sex. Then I would go home thinking that there was something wrong with me. all my friends talked about sex and how they enjoyed. i want sex but not like that i guess.  that padron kept repeting itself. i guess it was me trying to feel emotional connection. I would be so pshysically attracted to someone and when we would end up together sex didn´t matter as much. I thought I was assexual and that the fact that i was attracted to sex was because society says so. I would get mad because I couldn´t be like everyone else. when I stopped watching porn things changed a lot. I started wishing connection even more. I was with this girl I liked and i really connected with her, emotionally. I´d like to think that´s true. we got to know each other better first and when things got more intense this time I really wanted to have sex. But it wasn´t the kind of desperate sex to get off. it was something meaningfull to me. it seemed to me as a way to make that connection something I could feel physically. Like I said I am taurus so by nature I am a physical being. We didn´t do it because she was sick per say and I was really anxious. when I remember the feeling of being horny with her it wasn´t something like the one when you watch porn and you had to desperately get off. instead it was and energy that was moving me towards her. to connect physically with her.

Latelly i´ve been feeling kinda numb and kind of assexual. it scares me. not that there is something wrong with being assexual. it´s just that I´ve always needed thouch to really understand people. it´s like I can feel people´s energy through touch.  even thoug I am  an emotional person and wish for emotional connection my way of expressing it is through contact. when I was watching porn even thouch wouldn´t work so I knew something was wrong to me.

when it comes to my parents i´ve always felt they weren´t there. I wished so may times I had no parents because the void was like there was no parents there. At least there would be an explanation for me to feel that void. when my father would travel I would feel sso happy. the air seemed more breathable and light. when I would travel like in holidays usually I would grow in height and gain some weight. but healthy weight. I´ve always felt that there was something wrong about my home. it´s like there is this dark cloud over my head and i feel bad all the time. when I was a kid i had a lot of headaches and would be sick all the time. All I needed to do was to go outside and my head would stop hurting. my father always neglected my emotions and would make me shut up whenever I wanted to to say something. he would also hit me a lot. things always thad to be his way. he told me he had nothing because of us. I felt wrong to be me and guilty to have been born. my mother also made me feel wrong even though seh didn´t realized it. she felt victimized so she didn´t see her mistakes with me. whenever I felt hungry and asked for food she would be angry and say she hadn´t eaten so I could have something to eat. whenever I got angry she would also get angry because I have no reason to be angry in her book. even now she does that. sometimes i cook and there plenty for her but she doesn´t take it and then she says the same sutff all over again. I realized that she is here because deep down she wants to be here and she care a lot for my fahter.  My father cares for himself and my mother cares for my father, My male friends remember me of my father because they always want things their way and the female ones are like my mother. they need me to be emtionally avalable for them. I try to make my male friends understand me and the females to see my need for emotional suport by feeling what they do. I can resume my relationships with both male and female : I want you to know I am there. that I have emotions and needs as well. that I am me. that I have a self.

OMG it´s like my childhood all over again. I se it more clear now.

Once i was like "maybe I am here to help people. to sacrifice myself. I don´t care if something happens to me as long as my family and friends are ok" but deep down I felt angry when saying that. I felt angry all my life. yesterday i realized my anger was there all along. trying to reach out to me. to tell me to free myself. On the other hand my anxiety tries to paralize me and make me stay the way people want me to be. I know that I am not here to only help me because the same feeling of anger of my childhood that makes me want to break free is assiciated with those words of only helping people. sacrifice in my book is to be selfish. Everyone is diferente. I tried to supress my anger but now I actually think it´s my higher self trying to break me from the chains of my anxiety. I guess my anger is my higher self and me anxiety is my ego. both are trying to protect me. I am in aproval of both lately.

Maybe for you is diferent because you are you and I wouldn´t won´t to change you because I respect people they way they are. each one have their purpose so for the expantion to happen. 

talking to you made me realize a lot about myself. tks for answering and understanding me. tks for your insight. I wish to hear more of your opinion about this. 

Actually I dont´believe in coincidence. you came to me and I am here for you for a reason.

I'm fine with being asexual, its not a bad thing, Its just my version of sex is emotional connection, I'm very connected to my higher self and even if I wanted to have sex it couldn't just be with anyone even if they were beautiful and full of this sexual energy. id be like they eat meat, they smoke, they drink, and gossip and I have to do a energy exchange with them? no thanks. again I don't care what people do, I can love them, but to be attracted to them is different, my body is ridiculously sensitive and I know I wouldn't be able to do that, not out of fear or sexual trauma its just I don't want any low energy in me because it is a energy exchange and most people are low, I'm not judging but this is just what I see in the world. I've gotten rid of almost all my addictions so I cleared the emotional attachment to the action, weather its food or wanting to have an orgasm or addicted to love, or what people call love. I really am connected to my higher self that's why I don't need to eat and the food has emotional attachment to people, so when you fast you deal with all of that and the addiction fades. it all fades, the desire for a partner fades, I can see who is and isn't my twin flame, like I've gotten that self aware, and I'm already connected with these people that are other aspects of my same soul. I realized I'm whole already, so I'm not needy or need their approval of me to have love for myself, I'm a very specific kind of person and when someone doesn't like you they just don't like that aspect of themselves, that's all it is, but when you have this unconditional love you see that all the aspects even in other people good or bad are in you too, so you're just judging yourself, its never personal. And I'm not saying I know love and eating meat, that bullshit, or pretending I'm high and love, no I have a ego, I just became connected to my higher self and am aware of my subconscious mind, so now my subconscious is conscious now, now I'm creating on purpose what I want because we all have that power. Right now my body is in this cocoon stage and every desire I have I know I will get it because that's how it works, but I cant see past what's happening in my life right now because I'm in the now, but I know every desire I have will manifest, like I know this so it makes life fun instead of thinking you are a slave, we really aren't, but we believe we are. My blue print is to teach this shit and be very authentic and real, and that was turned off in me and now I'm allowing myself to just talk. Also everything is possible, we are just limited by our beliefs which is the subconscious mind, and mind creates reality so your subconscious creates your reality, but once you become conscious of your subconscious, oh shit! powerful as fuck. all of us are! 

Edited by Alex7
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you seem so peaceful. like you are really good about being yourself. and I totally agree with you about the uncoditional love. all my relationships happened when I was least expecting. when I was trying to find myself and really focusing on loving myself and being complete.

I came to see that what you say about judging people is true. I realized that the things I judged people for where the things I judged about myself. if someone is being loud it makes me angry because I know I am not a loud person. And there was times I wanted to be loud and scream so people could see my pain. now whenever i judge someone I am like"what is it about me that I am judging?".

about energy... sometimes I have that same feeling. I want to stay away from people because i found their energy depressing and they drain my energy. I have a friend that I know since we were kids. we were good friends. he went to live abroad more than once but he always comes back. this time when he came back I felt something...it was an unpleasent feeling. he is drawn to things I consider bad. he has this negative perspective of live that I used to have and I accepted that I had. I started seing live with another perpective. like everything that happens happens for a reason and they are mere lessons for me to get to were i set my intention to be. I was feeling good. since he is back I started feeling bad again. my depression is back, I took it as a sign that i must change something. I always felt that i had to leave this place and go to somewhere else. he always comes back and it made me feel like I am living in a loop. he is into drugs and stuff like that. I am trying to push him away. he lives in the same building as I do so it´s not easy to make break that connection. I usually feel what people feel so when I am around him I feel really bad. lately I´ve been feeling desperate and I am begining to wonder if I am not feeling his desperation and thinking it´s mine. empaths usually catch other people´s feelings and think they own thoses feelings. now that I am more aware of that i´ll pay atention and ask myself if those feelings are my own. I feel like a cameleon. sometimes I don´t know hwo I am. my mood is constantly shifting.

is not that i feel superior. I am just better at knowing what is good for me. I am better at tapping into energy. But I am still confused though. lately I lost a lot of connection with my higher self because I am feeling bad constantly.

Edited by Rui Carlos
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1 hour ago, Rui Carlos said:

you seem so peaceful. like you are really good about being yourself. and I totally agree with you about the uncoditional love. all my relationships happened when I was least expecting. when I was trying to find myself and really focusing on loving myself and being complete.

I came to see that what you say about judging people is true. I realized that the things I judged people for where the things I judged about myself. if someone is being loud it makes me angry because I know I am not a loud person. And there was times I wanted to be loud and scream so people could see my pain. now whenever i judge someone I am like"what is it about me that I am judging?".

about energy... sometimes I have that same feeling. I want to stay away from people because i found their energy depressing and they drain my energy. I have a friend that I know since we were kids. we were good friends. he went to live abroad more than once but he always comes back. this time when he came back I felt something...it was an unpleasent feeling. he is drawn to things I consider bad. he has this negative perspective of live that I used to have and I accepted that I had. I started seing live with another perpective. like everything that happens happens for a reason and they are mere lessons for me to get to were i set my intention to be. I was feeling good. since he is back I started feeling bad again. my depression is back, I took it as a sign that i must change something. I always felt that i had to leave this place and go to somewhere else. he always comes back and it made me feel like I am living in a loop. he is into drugs and stuff like that. I am trying to push him away. he lives in the same building as I do so it´s not easy to make break that connection. I usually feel what people feel so when I am around him I feel really bad. lately I´ve been feeling desperate and I am begining to wonder if I am not feeling his desperation and thinking it´s mine. empaths usually catch other people´s feelings and think they own thoses feelings. now that I am more aware of that i´ll pay atention and ask myself if those feelings are my own. I feel like a cameleon. sometimes I don´t know hwo I am. my mood is constantly shifting.

is not that i feel superior. I am just better at knowing what is good for me. I am better at tapping into energy. But I am still confused though. lately I lost a lot of connection with my higher self because I am feeling bad constantly.

This while world told me something was wrong with me day 1 of school, I didn't talk because I could feel energy and get a vibe of people and most of them were on this conditional love judgmental conforming mindset and I'm like oh no.... I'm not talking so I can feel you judging me, I don't need words to read your energy and what you think of me. A part of me doesn't even want to be liked and I create that subconsciously somehow and aware of that now. the real me is almost offensively honest and I trigger the fuck out of people because I'm connected to my higher self and people can hear in my voice if I'm full of shit or faking nice, I can see right through people because I cleared those layers in myself, I'm just talking and sometimes the stuff I say triggers people. I show them their subconscious behaviors lol. My ego is still scared of course to just talk, but it makes people evolve and anyone around me turns vegetarian lol so I raise them up anyway by just my energy.

This is just the consciousness state I'm in currently, but if I eat I can go down, I'm just maintaining it. I feel like I've been lied to because I have and I listened to other people above my higher self because the ego has a thing with authority and parents and older siblings, but I'm connected to myself so what people say to me, I don't really care, they just want to justify their truth and reality, but I'm in an entirely different one even if I'm right next to them. This ascension thing is real, a part of the brain is like it could be bullshit, like in denial about the "real world" like a fantasy land that is fun to think about, but the law of attraction is real, your higher self is real, people being powerful is real, doing the impossible is real, you creating your reality is real, your consciousness and the outside world is all you, literally. and what everyone wants is totally different, don't compare.

I don't feel superior I'm just pissed our human potential went to shit and lost all this, but its coming back, people will get their power back. my soul is just here to have my energy here. what I desire is just freedom lol if I ask what I desire that's it, so I got it and understand the game, how sickness is subconscious, all of it, you cant even lie to yourself your higher self is constantly on. This 6d conscious is very real, that's where I'm at barely, and a few more beliefs of mine need to die off so I can be at my full potential, its not a ego thing I'm just sharing because everyone can do this, its our natural state actually. Also the new body type is sort of androgynous, even though guys are programmed to think they need muscle, that's what stops a lot of guys from stop eating meat, and because beliefs are so strong they do lose muscle when they turn vegan and go back lol, its funny.

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I don´t know how and why but but I understand what you are saying. it´s more like a feeling. I guess i understand because I felt something powerful once. that was the feeling that make me understand all that I understand about my higher self. it happened around the 4th month of nofap when i became better at channeling my sexual energy. I was i so much pain because I would usually numb myself with the rush of dopamine from porn an masturbation. when I stopped my emotions started comming back and it was painful. I had a lot of brain fog and I felt uncomfortble all the time. I kept pushing foward and all of a suden I became to understand things. it was like i had all the answers in me. no I had and sitll have all the answers. I could acess them that´s all. it made me realize why all my life I tried to understand my purpose and had this feeling that the answers were iniside me all along. i began to pay atention my feelings and came up to understand that their are my compass. just a way to guide me in this physical body. but I rationalize a lot. now I see reason as just a tool for understading myself. before I would use logic for everything and it would hurt. my head would feel heavy. Now I know I was going against my nature that is feeling. 

I was always going to the gym a few years ago. gym and masturbation. I put a lot of weight and i was eating a lot of bad stuff. i never felt more numb. now i lost weight and eating better. i have this dusgusting feeling when I eat fast food and stuff like that. I don´t anymore. i am not a vegan and I don´t know if i´ll ever be someday. time will tell. but it´s amazing how disgusted i´ve been feeling. i guess it´s my body rejecting some foods that i eat.

if i use my reason I´ll say that what you say seems crazy but I know you it´s not. you are just on a place of awareness. at a higher place of awareness. even if it was for a few period of time i felt a huge burst of awareness. now it´s like I went back a few steps and i am walking towards it. actually I am more present with myself and take notice of my emotions and things around me. I can see signs  that are there, feel energy, padrons,etc.

I do believe in the law of attraction. if you look at the padrons in someone´s life you will the that the are the reflection of themselves. when I look at myself I see that...i feel that. I wrote and article once with the title "the world is a gigantic mirror". is just a reflection. why did people created mirrors? so they could see what they looked like...who they really are. the world is just the same. a mirror showing you hwo you are...at what state you currently are. and the way to be aware of that is through emotions. they are there to tell us something.

Edited by Rui Carlos
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