JoelC

I'm back-- Self Love Process Part 2

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I'm back-- Self Love Process Part 2

Hey all

 

In my last post on this forum I told you all of my first time trying the "connecting with yourself process." I said I'd update you all each time I did this process, so I am holding my promise true.

 

It is true that I have not done this process since the first time since last summer, so I have not broken my promise to you all. However, I broke my promise to myself to continue the mirror work. I forgive myself for this. Since last summer and now there has definitely been a shift in my internal world, especially last month (December). In the time between last summer and now I have been focusing on owning up to the way I feel and practicing the art of "Being with My Self." Last month I also happened to attend my first synchronization workshop that Teal had in San Diego. I was actually called up and my question was about the fear of death. I discovered I am not afraid of death, but instead I am afraid of isolation. That solo trip to San Diego definitely catalyzed a greater shift within me, and since the workshop my objective has been clear: I have to deal with this fear of isolation through the Completion Process. I have since then been trying to practice the Completion Process more. I have had one CP session with a certified practitioner so far.

 

I have been trying to sit and meditate with binaural beats (my house is not the most quiet) but I am beginning to realize that this traditional method might not work in the best way for me right now. So now we get to the main topic of the post: the self love process. I suddenly remembered about it tonight as I was trying to meditate and it just snapped to me that the Self-Love Process (connecting with yourself) is also a great way to give yourself unconditional presence. So I got out of bed and got out my mirror, trying out a different setup. This new setup works much better for me, as I feel I got farther with myself this time. I can post a picture of my new mirror setup if you guys want me to. 

 

So far, I prefer to practice this process as naked as possible. Being that it is winter time however, I kept on my undies and socks and pulled a robe over myself to keep warm. It could quite possibly be the new setup that caused me to go into this process so much more easily, because quite soon after sitting down and beginning to stare into my eyes did I encounter my first wall. I encountered more walls and so I cannot remember the order of them, but I can definitely remember their qualities and descriptions. The rest of this post I will just describe to you what I saw.

 

Of course, there were some familiar walls, such as the distorted ugly face, the old face with gray hair, and  a bit of the face that looked like it was acid-damaged. This time my reflection did not really try to cover itself up, and it definitely tested me harder. But it was nothing I couldn't manage. This time around I decided to focus on my left eye. Many of the walls this time around were centered on the eye area instead of the whole face. I think this time around my focus was sharper, zeroing in on just my eye now. I saw my eye change shape, size, and form. There were some where the eye was smaller, others where it was more elongated, and some where the whole area directly around the eye would black out, giving the eye a lot of focus. Most interestingly, there were 2 or 3 walls in which I saw the eye of another animal in my own. The first one of these I saw my eye transform into the yellow eye of a serpent, and in the next one of these my eye transformed into what I interpreted to be the eye of an elephant.  

 

Other walls concerned my face as a whole. I also saw another familiar face-- a face of sadness or grief. In this wall, my face was distorted in a way that reminds me of the way an elf looks. It had black beady eyes and a droopy frown and eyebrows expressing the sadness. This wall was sending the message of simply wanting to be recognized and given presence. I sat with this wall for a good deal of time. I shed some tears out of my right eye. My left eye did not want to shed tears, even if it was the one I was choosing to focus on. Immediately after this wall, a wall of anger followed behind. In this wall my face was back to normal, but my eyes were darkened and my eyebrows were furrowed. I let this wall know I understood his feelings. Additionally, there were more distorted, ugly face walls thrown at me. The worst one was one in which the skin on my face appeared to have this grainy texture and it was browner-- like carved wood. I call this face the "wooden doll face." It was the scariest face, expressing anger, nasty hate, almost evil and it was definitely intimidating, but I simply breathed through it and let the face know that I was here with it. It subsided soon enough.

 

Different from last time, most all these visual illusions of each wall would come at a regular fading in & out pulse, not remaining static. However, there were a few instances where I encountered a wall where it seemed like my reflection self was completely still, static. In these walls, my vision blurred a bit and the entire reflection in the mirror started to shake fast. I think in this wall, my self was testing me and trying to "shake me away." This wall happened 2 times and I just stuck through with it until the end.

 

One other wall I want to mention was auditory illusion. One of the walls I encountered began picking up the sounds around me and making them scary to me. This wall was quite a test, and ranks up there with the wooden doll face. The sounds were not grotesque. I soon realized the sound I was hearing was the sound of my hands sliding off the seat and the wooden floor cracking a bit. I realized it was nothing to be afraid of. It was so scary because it was so different and I had not experienced something like that before.

Edited by JoelC
forgot to include a detail
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Hey dear, thank you so much for sharing. 

It's so interesting to hear about all these different types of walls. You inspired me and I'm going to do the connection process with myself again tonight! 

Do you have any updates on your own process?

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