Lianna

Being passive

3 posts in this topic

Being passive

My question is, how do I find approval for being passive? I can't stand this about myself, I feel like it's the worst thing about me. I know that this resistance is the reason why I can't let it go, but no matter how hard I try, I can't find anything good about it. In my mind it makes me completely worthless. I might as well tattoo "I'm a big door mat, stomp on me" on my forehead. To me being someone who doesn't express themselves, who is a huge people pleaser and who never stands up for themselves is a terrible thing. I have social anxiety and I get very nervous in social situations, I can't ever say what I actually mean, I always put the needs of others above my own needs, I can't say no, I let other people use me. Other people think that there is something wrong with me because I can't even have a normal conversation with someone without turning red and appearing nervous. Because I fight my anxiety I get more anxiety and it is a vicious circle.

Because of my resistance towards my negative emotions and my negative beliefs I have attracted someone into my life who has the same beliefs and is also very passive. We were in a relationship but we broke up and now I hate this person so much because he reflects to me my own resistance towards my passive behaviour. I'm living with so much hate and anger and I'm tired of it. I wish there was a way I could stop hating the fact that I'm a people pleaser and that I can't express myself. I wish I could stop running away from it and I would just accept it. Does anyone have any advice for me? How do I approve of my passivity?

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You are where you are. You can't change that currently. What is it that you do want? What would feel just a little tiny bit better from where you are right now? Being "passive" in this instance is something I don't think you have to just sit back and accept. When Teal talks about embracing shadows, it can get confusing because then we feel like we need to just accept everything bad that ever happens to us and learn to be happy with it, when that's not what she means at all. Embracing your shadows is also realizing that in order for there to be shadows, there must be light as well, so it means embracing the light. What is the light side of being passive for you? I think what you need is to shift your focus onto things that feel *better* to you. The passivity will dissolve naturally as you go, and you will find yourself less and less "passive". 

 

You entire post is a focus on how much you hate this aspect of yourself. You are not going to jump from hating this aspect of yourself to embracing it fully from where you are, the vibrational leap is too big. You have to start small, and in your case I suggest feeling a tiny little bit better about where you are, bit by bit, consciously, every day. Notice when you are focused negatively and don't judge yourself, just take note. Just by doing that, you have shifted your vibration so that you are not longer consumed by the negative focus. It gets easier as you go. One day, you will realize that you are ready to completely embrace passivity, because there are always two sides to the coin and you aren't stuck being one for the rest of your life. You will know you have integrated this aspect of yourself when you are totally okay with the passive side of yourself, and see the good in it :)

Edited by lightworker
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hi @Lianna, I can sympathize with your post a lot! While things have not been that hard on me, I too can be incredibly passive and it can annoy the hell out of me sometimes. In my childhood there was a lot of fighting around me so my coping strategy was numb my emotions and be passive. Instead of living my own life I used to live up to other peoples standards. In that way they wouldn't be angry with me because there would be nothing to be angry about. That strategy served me when I was young but not anymore so I am slowly letting it go.

Talking with a counceler helped me a lot, as Walt advised, just talking to somebody who I felt safe enough with to throw out some old emotions and thoughts and to find out where it all came from. Knowing this made it easier to accept it and move on and try to integrate this old wounds.

Lightworker has also given some kickass advise on taking small steps. For me it helped to try and be a bit more adventurous whenever the opportunity arose. Also meditation has helped me a lot in hindsight. For meditation I am a big fan of doing body scans, like trying to simply feel all the sensations in your body on that moment, something you can also do while standing in line at the checkout for example. This made me more aware of the sensations in my body in general, so at some points when my face turned red because somebody talked to me, instead of panicking I simply was aware that it happened and could thereby control it better.

Good Luck

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