Millie

In Love with two people- how to choose

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In Love with two people- how to choose

I am in love with two men. I don't know what to do. I have known them both for years and have been in deep relationships with each of them.

 

One is sweet and loving and loyal. The other is also very loyal, very deep. They both would marry me. They're polar opposites of each other. I think that's why it's so hard to choose. They each bring out different parts in me. I would be happy if I could choose one person as the "primary" relationship and see the other on the side. But I know neither of them would be open to that. Polyamory brings a lot of complications. I think it would also still be psychologically stressful to have two loves. But the most stressful part for me right now is the fear of losing either one of them. And so if I could have both, that would indeed take away a lot of stress. It's the stress of "choosing" between them that is so difficult. And the guilt of emotional infidelity. If they each knew about the other (and they do) and were okay with it, it would relieve a lot of that stress. However, I do not see that as an option. Also, I have dated each of them separately. I had a bad scenario in 2014 where - much like now- I had to "choose" between them. I was in a relationship with the sweet one when the deep one came in and asked that I choose (prior to that the deep one and I were in a 3 year relationship). I chose the deep one, but my heart was still with the sweet one. So I had to do the most painful thing I have ever done and leave the deep one after 6 months. I returned to the sweet one and we were together for 2 years but I never forgot about the deep one. I broke up with the sweet one in summer 2016 and recently have been kind of dating the deep one. Oh god, I sound like a horrible person.   I am now so deeply entangled with them both. I thought dating the sweet one separately for a few years would allow me to be able to let go of him. But I have not.   With the deep one - we renewed a romantic relationship last September but I warned him I am not ready for a committment. But with him, everything is serious. Though he respected my need for space, I um...told him today that I still think of the other one. Maybe it was a mistake to tell him. I guess I just was scared he was relying on me too much. He took it very very hard and he does not understand. He thought I was over the other guy. I feel terrible. And I have watched all of Teal's videos already. Just need some personal advice. Thank you.

Edited by Millie
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9 hours ago, walt said:

I'm not sure what you are in a hurry to accomplish?

Thank you so much for your response. I have been anxiously awaiting. I am in a hurry- or feeling pressured, rather -  because one of them will move on with someone else. I could see the sweet one living happily ever after with someone else. And I would be happy for him. But it could be me if I figure this all out. Specifically, if I am able to let go of the deep one. 

And, to be completely honest. I think I see myself settling down with the sweet one a little more. But for some reason I don't see myself growing old with him. My feeling is that we deeply love each other. We share a simple love. We have an uncomplicated beautiful relationship. I would marry him but I have a strange feeling that I will not be growing old with him.  

Again, any advice or wisdom is appreciated. Maybe my complaint seems somehow petty or superficial. But this has been real and raw for me for years. 

 

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Edited by Millie
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Hello Millie, 

I think you're asking one of the most difficult and painful question you could ever ask.

I think in situations like yours it is very rare that the relationship will work successfully  after choosing one or another. That's why you've been going back and forth with both of them. 

If you have a very good friend and then one day you meet one more person that you also like and want to spend time with, are you going to forget about your friend? I am sure, many of us been in that kinda situation with a friend. And if you so happens to have a good friend, he/she probably tried his best to incorporate you with another person so you didn't feel left out. Unless you decided otherwise. 

Isn't it the same in love triangles? 

I can tell you for sure (from my past experience) that situations like yours creates competition that brings out the most beautiful and the most ugliest sides of all partners involved to the surface, which eventually  will help you answer all of your questions and puts everything /everyone right where they need to be if you want to choose so.

 

 

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Hmmm... @Millie, after pondering your question, what I want to say is that I do not understand the need to be in an exclusive relationship any more. I was in such a relationship for over 30 years, and it nearly killed me.  For now, I value freedom more than anything else.

I am not advocating my view for anyone else; however, I do see that many codependent relationships develop because of looking for love and happiness outside of oneself.  I believe the healthiest and therefore happiest relationships are between people who already have strong self love and are deeply in touch with what they truly desire out of life.  So, please consider whether you are moving towards something you love or wanting to escape something you fear.  Between the two, I recommend always going towards what you love. 

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You are all so sweet and loving. Thank you so much for spending the time to help me. I am going to ponder on what each of you have said and really take it in.  You have said some very valuable things to me. I plan on returning with some of my thoughts. I hope you can stay tuned. 

Happy 2017 to you all. <3 

oh and if anyone else wants to jump in here, the more the merrier! 

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@Mark Joseph Middleton Hmm I have asked myself this question a lot. Definitely in 2014 it was clearly a head versus heart issue. The sweet one was heart, the deep one was..not only head but soul. I feel deeply bonded to him. Which does not necessarily mean we must be in a long term romantic relationship together. I am coming to feel that maybe him and I are simply soul kin with a romantic element. 

Who do I see myself with years down the road? The answer to all your questions...

On 12/30/2016 at 11:58 AM, Mark Joseph Middleton said:

Who can you communicate with well. One - Both? (This isn't always words.)
Who is going to change with you and not mind when you do? One - Both? 
Who do you have shared interests with? One - Both?

^ These things along with other things that you've spoken about, emotional connection, intimacy, sex, etc. These keep the relationship enriched, important to you both, supportive, meaningful etc.

Other more obvious things to get the mind and heart moving. Who are you going to have fun with, and add that spice to life. Doesn't have to make you laugh, fun can be humor, it can be spontaneity, it can be candlelit romance, it can deep interest, or shared spiritual expression. Watching a sunrise, eating your favorite food. Whatever works for you.

It's funny. Both. I would say, however, that the deep one has a way to extract from me some of my most intricate ideas. He helps me to think very creatively. Peering into life with him is always a little bit magical. 

They both would change with me. However, I would say that there is more potential for growth for me with the deep one...mostly because he is a little complicated and he challenges me more. With the sweet one, it would be a very steady and easier life. If you were to ask me which I prefer of those, it is hard to say. Right now...because I am tired of going through emotional turmoil, I would say I prefer the steady life. 

I have fun with each of them. The sweet one is more adventurous and would plan spontaneous camping trips or something like that. We enjoy cooking together. Coming up with new hobbies. We've built and painted birdhouses together, for example.   The deep one - we would get into interesting topics together, like watching specific documentaries on netflix. Both would go hiking and even jogging with me. I'd have to say, I have more traditional type 'fun' with the sweet one.

I would say the sweet one inspires more activity from me. Traveling, cooking. The deep one inspires longer term projects. 

One more thing...I feel that the sweet one is more emotionally forgiving to me and more understanding. The deep one often first delves into how I have hurt him and how I am being unfair to him, and then later he will attempt to help me feel understood.

Edited by Millie

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On 12/30/2016 at 4:59 PM, Garnet said:

I think you're asking one of the most difficult and painful question you could ever ask.

So true. Though some may be envious, this is actually the most painful thing I have ever been through. I am almost 33. I like your analogy to friendship, because it is indeed the same. I think it is cruel to have to choose between them, though I understand why I need to. I will also say that indeed this type of situation does bring about the aspects of others that may not be so friendly. To compare the two in this situation, I feel that the sweet one is more emotionally forgiving to me and more understanding. The deep one often first delves into how I have hurt him and how I am being unfair to him, and then later he will attempt to help me feel understood.

Edited by Millie

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On 12/30/2016 at 7:02 PM, Amazawa said:

Hmmm... @Millie, after pondering your question, what I want to say is that I do not understand the need to be in an exclusive relationship any more. I was in such a relationship for over 30 years, and it nearly killed me.  For now, I value freedom more than anything else.

It is refreshing to me when people understand the benefit of not being in an exclusive relationship. I can easily and quickly see, however, that polyamory can become complicated and dramatic very quickly.

Once you experience the pain that can come from polyamory, it then creates a desire (at least for me) to experience the safety and peace of monogamy. It is funny that it goes the other way of course. That is, experiencing the pain of monogamy will create the desire for freedom. Is there a middle ground? 

Like Teal say's, suffering comes from running from the pain. At the crossroad that I am at currently, I have learned to go very slowly in enacting decisions. Because once you enact the decision, other dominoes quickly fall and it can sometimes trigger a desire to head in the exact opposite direction- the direction from which you just came. And so for now, I think my next move is to tell the deep one that I need some time and space. I will take that time and then see how I feel. But to be honest with you, I do not see a clear answer for my pain. It may just be something I will have to live with.

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On 1/2/2017 at 11:21 AM, Millie said:

It is refreshing to me when people understand the benefit of not being in an exclusive relationship. I can easily and quickly see, however, that polyamory can become complicated and dramatic very quickly.

Once you experience the pain that can come from polyamory, it then creates a desire (at least for me) to experience the safety and peace of monogamy. It is funny that it goes the other way of course. That is, experiencing the pain of monogamy will create the desire for freedom. Is there a middle ground? 

Love how you said it. Yes, monogamy gives us sense of safety and unity but  it is also a source for creation therefore monogamy lasts only so long.  1+1=3 is seems like the formula for family, sense of belonging and also gives couples "something to play with" lol.   Many couples if they don't have children  end up having pets or opening a business together. 

On 1/2/2017 at 11:08 AM, Millie said:

So true. Though some may be envious, this is actually the most painful thing I have ever been through. I am almost 33. I like your analogy to friendship, because it is indeed the same. I think it is cruel to have to choose between them, though I understand why I need to. I will also say that indeed this type of situation does bring about the aspects of others that may not be so friendly. To compare the two in this situation, I feel that the sweet one is more emotionally forgiving to me and more understanding. The deep one often first delves into how I have hurt him and how I am being unfair to him, and then later he will attempt to help me feel understood.

It is only painful if you're forced to make a choice. If your feelings are truly genium and unconditional , to make this choice is like to ask a mother to choose between 2 children. If you're not a parent, maybe you had 2 pets growing up. Could you choose between them? or can a child truly choose between mom and dad? I think it's not fair to ask anyone to make choices like that, yet it's a common practice in today's society.

I remember listening to one of Teal's videos where she said that our society is not ready for polyamory (but we are slowly heading towards it). And i agree. Being on tribe among so called "open minded " people clearly showed me examples of greedines and materialism, especially when it comes to other people. But of course, we are all one... lol.

Millie, the way you wrote your story is very sweet and made me smile in a good way))) Whatever you decide, please remember that men are not stupid. Just because you're with one , doesn't mean he can't smell the other one :D

 

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On 1/3/2017 at 6:26 PM, Garnet said:

It is only painful if you're forced to make a choice.

True! So um...I have decided not to really choose and just be true to where I am at right now. So I think I'll see both of them occasionally but always let them know that I won't commit to an exclusive relationship at this point. Maybe things will fall into place without me having to choose.  (btw, I live alone and about 1.5 hr from one and 1 hr from the other, so this should work out okay)

On 1/3/2017 at 6:26 PM, Garnet said:

Millie, the way you wrote your story is very sweet and made me smile in a good way))) Whatever you decide, please remember that men are not stupid. Just because you're with one , doesn't mean he can't smell the other one

Ha! This made me laugh. Thanks for your very pleasant outlook.  Ah geez, Here goes nothing..

Also, if anyone wants to play a fun game (for me at least), see if you can pick from the photos which one is the "sweet" one and which one is the "deep" one...:D

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6 hours ago, CherieJ said:

What comes to mind is the story of King Solomon (I think it was) asking each of two woman who were fighting over a baby

Thank you for your input. I am familiar with this allegory.  I have put my perspective into the mother and the baby. I identify a little more with the baby. If we go with that perspective, I feel that the sweet one would more likely be the one to let me go for my own peace. The deep one does want my happiness but defends his own a little more selfishly.

Now, if I were one of the mother's, I would then say that the two men are the baby. I have broken up with each of them and am now 'single' in hopes of sparing them any additional pain, or tying them up with me when they could be finding a monogamous woman. But I have not been able to quite let them go yet.  As of now they seem alright. 

I really don't know the answer. 

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Don't base your decision solely on future possibilities.  Life is now, for sure. Anything can happen in the future. 

Love requires respect, trust, honesty and so on...

What can you offer either one of them? Can you / do you, honor their needs? If you do,does doing so honour your own needs?

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Do you feel like you are looking past their weaknesses in order to love them or that you might need to change some aspects of them or does it feel like unconditional love?

Edited by Vala
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On 12/30/2016 at 10:15 AM, Millie said:

Thank you so much for your response. I have been anxiously awaiting. I am in a hurry- or feeling pressured, rather -  because one of them will move on with someone else. I could see the sweet one living happily ever after with someone else. And I would be happy for him. But it could be me if I figure this all out. Specifically, if I am able to let go of the deep one. 

And, to be completely honest. I think I see myself settling down with the sweet one a little more. But for some reason I don't see myself growing old with him. My feeling is that we deeply love each other. We share a simple love. We have an uncomplicated beautiful relationship. I would marry him but I have a strange feeling that I will not be growing old with him.  

Again, any advice or wisdom is appreciated. Maybe my complaint seems somehow petty or superficial. But this has been real and raw for me for years. 

 

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The first one! 

Edited by Hypocrite
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