together as one

Feeling Unheard

6 posts in this topic

Feeling Unheard

I feel anger when someone (mainly my husband) doesn't listen to me.  I feel so unheard and that triggers the hell out of me.  I really become heated, too, when I have to repeat myself to someone over and over.  And yes, I attract these types of people that have cotton swabs permanently lodged in their ears.  

I am a teacher by trade, and I know that being in an authoritative role is my dharma, and I know that in order to master this dharma, I have to resolve this issue and become a better communicator.  I am wondering if anyone else can relate, and I am open to hearing shared stories and insights.. but please please please no advice-giving.  

Lastly, I am really hyper-aware that this is about me, not them... and that I may be either expecting people to not hear me, or I may be communicating my messages in a way that does not get absorbed by the other person.  I don't want to have to slow down my speech and dumb down my vocabulary in order to be heard... But I do want my voice to be received.  

Thank you for listening and hearing me :)  

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Hi "together as one",

I thought of a story that could provide some insight, and hopefully not be perceived as advice, though I do wonder why you don't want advice.

Two people, husband and wife, were working through a relationship issue in couples counseling. They typically found that therapy can be a great way of bridging gaps in their communications and finding win-win solutions that they might not otherwise find. But the disagreement was rather big and it was challenging to resolve in such a way. At one point near the end of the session, the wife says, "I'm not being heard by him" (pointing to the husband). After the session, the husband, wanting his wife to feel heard, asked her why she felt she wasn't being heard. The response he first got was vague, but he tried again asking questions like, "If I heard you, what would I be doing or saying different than I am now." With enough discussion, something very interesting became apparent to both of them. She didn't feel heard, or like he was listening to her, simply because he didn't agree with what she was saying.

The point of this story is that there are any number of reasons why someone might not feel like they are being heard, including, but not limited to, actually not being heard. And I have found in my own experiences it can be helpful to narrow down what is actually happening, and to practice active listening skills confirming what is said, or what is heard. And above all, I try to communicate in a way that reflects the love and compassion I have for the other person. I hope this helps, and provides the story and insight you wanted, without the advice. I wish you and your husband the best.

Aaron

P.S. You might like these videos...

It's Not About The Nail
https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

Priceless Relationship Advice - Teal Swan
https://youtu.be/IFEyEM2OxA4

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@Aaron that video about the nail.... :D

There is a precious moment when I say :"You are right..." And my husband goes:"Let's mark that on a calendar !" 

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@together as one

hello, i have a similar issue which i am working on.

It drives me nuts when i feel like someone didnt listen, or didnt listen "good enough" or i have to repeat and explain again and again, plus mentioning that im tired of doing that and that its disrespectfull not to listen and they please should tell me that they dont listen before i put so much effort and energy into the talking. I hate it.

I found out, that this must me something from when i was very little (age 0-4?) and i was unable to controll the attention i needed to be given to me. My parents were dismissiv and it didnt matter what i did, how i did it and with which intensitiy, i never was really successfull to get my message through to them and my needs met. My parents rediculed me for being so crotchety, mad and whining and reminded me that i was fake and a malingerer. All my energy i used for trying to get through to them just dissapeared into thin air.

 

I still feel the same way today. im unheard, i cant get my message through, people dont "see me", i get mad and whining and so forth. This is one of my worst triggers that can get me really aggressive and wanting to hit the other person out of complete powerlessness and despair.

 

so: its always the childhood problem that repeats itsself and needs to be solved. after i worked on that a little, i realized, that its not anmore that much important for me to be heard in all detail or not. sometimes it still is, but it doesnt happen on a daily basis anymore.

Edited by my-alteregos-and-me

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