Lilia

can someone help me unravel a dysfunctional family drama situation? (might contain triggers to some)

4 posts in this topic

can someone help me unravel a dysfunctional family drama situation? (might contain triggers to some)

Hi there,

i'll just cut to the point.

i feel upset right now and overwhelmed and i cant seem to get a grip and understand the situation on my own so id be very glad if someone here would feel inclined to help me out with understanding the dynamics and what beliefs and shadows there are behind it, it feels a little to complex for me to see through it in this state. i want to gain some clarity.

the background is:

i grew up in a very abusive environment, raped repeatedly as a child by the guy who is supposed to be my father - that my mother doesnt remember and know about (yet) i think she suppressed the memories as she has a history of abuse herself. (both of them are very unaware and unintentionally manipulative as far as i know them) i have a half-sister from my mother whose father abused my mother repeatedly in front of us children (i was a teenager, my sis was 2yo - and... me:"go to the police!" her:"but hes your sisters father!!!"), i guess my sis doesnt remember. i left the mother and sister to live at my father's when i was 16. i left his place as soon as i got a job while studying. since then i had a breakdown due to that i remembered the past and did lots of shadow work since then (4 years ago). i tried to keep my boundaries by reducing contact to a minimum which means, i havent seen my father since a conversation with him and my former therapist in which i established that i don want to be contacted by him in any way (i even changed my phone number so he would stop calling), and avoided my mother where i could and when she once tried to come visit me i at least kept her out of my flat and told her i didnt want to have her visit.

i told my sister what had happened to me as a little child though. we dont have much contact, maybe every second year or so, shes a teenager now turning 18 next year and lives still in the city from where i moved away to where i live now which is not around the corner exactly, were not close anymore (i guess i was a primary attachment figure to her when she was 4yo i abandoned her).

 

so now what happened yesterday to trigger the upset:

my sister wrote me a message that my father had called my mother to find out my phone number so she gave it to him. i thanked her for the information and asked how she was doing. first upset: fuck that bastard has a way of contacting me now.

i called my mother and told her that i was not ok with her giving away my number. during that phone call i told her that blood is worth a damn shit if theres abuse and so neither her nor my father had a right per se to have my phone number.... then i ended up justifying and almost apologizing somehow for how outraged i sounded... justifying is not something i had been doing a lot the last 3-4 years, but yeah she has this manipulative victimized way of doing EVERYTHING to help in order to get a thanks or an apology... she told me from what number my father had called so i could use a callblocker on my phone (i dont want to change the number again i lost so many contacts the last time). and as my cousin is visiting from abroad for the holidays, i even asked if i could come see her when she arrives at the airport O.o second upset: what the fuck just happened?!?

ok so now i saw my sister had written back that she was only more or less halfway ok and asked me back the same question when my neighbor knocked on my door to have some tea and so i left the phone to hang out with her (were friends).

when i returned a few hours later my sis had written me a huge message sounding somewhat like "i dont think youre ever going to write back so heres the deal, i dont want our mother to know what happened to you so promise me you will never ever tell her". third upset: wtf now i am expected to just shut up and keep it secret?!? i wasnt going to tell her as i didnt have the intention of ever speaking with her anyways, but promising to keep it secret is a whole new level and it really doesnt feel right!

then i asked my sis why it was so important to her. she said, our mother had had a rough time lately and that would be to much for her to endure. fourth upset: now i should in her opinion keep silent so she and our mother can be safe?!? while that bitch threatened my safety?!?

i watched the ask teal episode about upset again and heres what i found out through that:

i really only want all of them - the whole lot - to just leave me alone so i can live my life. why do they keep bothering me?

and i want to be able to be authentic and not being asked to promise something that i can not promise. thats the opposed/prevented desire.

i expected my mother to be less naive and dont give away my phone number and betray me to my father (like when i was a toddler or what i found through the completion process to a doctor and other people when i was a baby), thats the unfulfilled expectation. i already know that i have trust issues, thats nothing new, but i didnt expect that right now to happen.

the unsuccessful communication would be the first trigger, that they were exchanging my number without me knowing about it, and the last one about wanting me to stay silent.

 

now i am truly inclined to just go tell them all the blunt truth and see what happens! let them all break down and deal with their shit and leave me alone... that would be unkind indeed so i dont want to do such a step lightly without making sure i am completely in alignment with it, and i right now feel too upset to discern what someone who loves themselves would do... i feel very outraged right now... and i feel in this indecisive freeze state thats kind of very familiar to me what can i do to get out of that freez, should i just do anything? or think and try to feel what it is first? i dont feel able to distract myself righ now nor do i want that, i want to solve this and be able to go on instead of this freeze situation, it feels squeezing in my chest and i feel that it is me who does it, i cause myself to feel this by being tense in my abdomen, the muscles feel tight and pressed back holding back and theres a defensive forward-bending feeling in my neck and shoulders, backwards pulling at the shoulderblades, my feet feel numb, the legs tense at the knees and hips, immovable... i have a huge frown on my face, it feels like that when i am enraged too and with hurt too and it reminds me alittle of blame, isthis disappointment?

 

now i am sitting on my chair rocking back and forth and singing "shake it out" by florence and the machine and thats how far i am able to go right now by myself,

does anyone feel guided to write something? maybe your version of "what would someone who loves themselves do in that situation" for having some inspiration? thanks for reading if you made it that far...

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@Lilia I love florence and the machine <3

You have an absoulte right to feel enraged, don't expect yourself to feel any other way. They are the ones who messed up. That phone call with your mother shows how you tried to move through anger, but your mother didn't let you do it. if it's something that happened a lot during your childhood, you need to care about that aspect of your inner child and guide her through the anger, tell her that it is absoultely fine to feel enraged and you will love her no matter what. Completion process can help immensely with that. I'm sure, once you raise your frequency about the situation just a bit (and it doesn't mean you forgive them), you'll know what to do and no one will be able to stop you <3

Edited by Leah L.
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@Leah L., thank you so much for your reply!
 <3 it means a lot!

oh it was such a mixture of feelings i really needed to get out of the freeze state first i guess, i was so obsessed with wanting to know what feeling i was feeling that i tensed up instead of letting me feel it. after i wrote the previous message, i went for a walk and the movement made the difference, i started crying and sat down out there in a field and did the completion process i so struggled with to get into at home. i would really recommend going on a walk and just move a little when anyone is upset, it worked for me i guess it might help others too!

the completion process revealed that the issue at that moment that was triggered was a mixture of feeling betrayed and fear of the consequence of the betrayal... after i did the process now i feel peaceful and decisive! i just wrote a message to my sis that i can not make that promise to her and thats it for now. i wont see them on the holidays even if it means not seeing my cousin and thats it.

i guess i just needed to write it down and share, thank you for reading it and thinking of me! <3

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I would agree, You have a right to be angry. But the more important thing is to realize that you are still trying to get them to act a certain way towards you, and I can tell you from having abusive family, it will never happen. In my opinion, you need to realize that you feel responsible and guilty towards them, and you keep trying to be the fixer. You can never satisfy all them. If i were you, I would focus all my effort on finding a loving support system- slowly building friendships that are based on truth and respect, not with people that will expect you to take care of them. This will take time- find out what you like to do and go out there and try hobbies- take classes and things. Meetup with Teal tribe people or other internet groups. Find out what you like and build a life based on what YOU want, not what others want you to do. You will need to learn how to listen to yourself, and make decisions based on what works for you. You deserve loving connection and for your opinion and needs to be valued. I wish you freedom and good luck

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