Zola

Anyone had any parents die to alcoholism?

4 posts in this topic

Anyone had any parents die to alcoholism?

Hey there,

Just a fair warning there might be contents that trigger people in this text.

Im 22 female, live at home with my developmental disorder parents - (both aged around 8).
My father drinks because he was raped as a child - neglected me of any type of love or validation and abused me physically, psychologically and verbally in my teen years (almost killed me a few times).
I rose above this fairly quickly as I have always been a pretty intense observer/outsider and have an immense about of empathy for my parents suffering and seemingly inability to "progress & change".
My mother is totally miserable and manipulative my whole life - (because she doesn't know how to ask for her needs) and Im so bitter towards her that I cannot give her what she needs because I believe its not my job - and every time I try it feels like i'm killing my trueself. She abuses me to this day, but Its only abusive if I let it be...I have learned to step outside of my self years ago with her.

But anyways - My dads in his finally days - my guides are told me I need to resolve my blockage towards my dad because it wont allow me to move forward in a big wonderful change in my life that is approaching soon! The only way I have survived through life is by completely emotionally cutting my self out of his life in any form of personal way. I just act like some emotionally removed mate with him. I do not hug, share my feelings or say anything that a stranger wouldn't say to him - because hes so dahm fucked up I'm scared he would die from the hurt that getting my love would feel like (as in he has lost the right to feel my love for so long that if he had it now he would realize, what he has fucked up) or maybe he woudln;t care or realize because sometimes hes a selfish asshole IDK.  I guess I'm trying to protect him in a way.  I understand why he is in so much pain, I just want him to go out of this world any way that he feels the most happy in. And if its to hard for him to quit drinking then I want him to at least die happy drinking...

I'm caught between worlds because he has two personalities. One is the innocent little boy who was raped and two the abuser asshole who is so self centered and narcissistic and mean and cruel and arrogant. Sometimes I feel like im being manipulated by his vulnerability to accept him, and then get punished and hurt by his flip side "its your job to clean up after me" mentality.

My mum is essentially exactly the same except replace alcohol with addiction to my fathers negative energy and food....

My question is what should I do? Does anyone have any ideas how I could work on this?


I feel extremely uncomfortable huging my dad and talking to him in a serious manner towards his drinking or how his constant slobby pretty much dying infront of me drink behaviour makes me feel. I just try to be pleasent and make him feel okay with the fact that he fucked up his life and body and child. Because I know I can get myself out of any hole created by my circumstances - I know im greater than all of this, I am universe I am matter, I am spirit. I am him, I am me. I except him in his fucked state and thats what I try to show to him. But I do still feel his hurt and his pain and my mothers pain and sadness.

Will I get relief when he dies, I am scared because I don't want to be set back because of him dying and me not "resolving" something. I want to move forward but I don't know if I need to connect with my father.

Anyone had any parents die to alcoholism?

 

Thanks for reading.

Zola

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 24/12/2016 at 4:01 PM, RadioactivTrinity Anderson said:

I'm applauding you, because this is incredible that we have people who can be so vulnerable and so brave at the same time! In reading your post, I saw certain things that were true about my life, yet no one ever put it so precisely as you have. Thank you. 

Thank you for your reply
:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 24/12/2016 at 3:15 PM, walt said:

You are not responsible for your parents. You do not need your parents to be alive to work on your problems with them. There is nothing you can do for people who are killing themselves except say good bye. All of your problems can be overcome if you are willing to do the work. Please continue to reach out. There will always be people willing to help.

Thank you Walt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Its just that their relationship is so toxic that I want to help them. I feel like I am responsible to defend each of them while i'm around. Its so incredibly difficult to stand there and watch them hack each other to pieces everyday.

The reason they stay together all these years is because of the money. Dad would burn it in 6months. (my mum holds all the money in her name - since he spent 20k in 1 month on alcohol/cigs/pokies/drugs a couple of years ago).
Mum refuses to get a divorce even though Ive been telling her they both deserve a happy life since I was like 10. I have said "It doesn't hurt me if you get a divorce - it hurts me if you do not". But I learned early on that I am just a pawn in a fight, a bargaining chip to distribute blame and guilt.

Heres an example of something that happened in February which makes me feel like I need to defend and help each of them at times.
My mum constantly likes to kick my father when hes down - twisting the blade.

So in the beginning of the year around lunch time one day I was in the kitchen talking to my mum when dad comes in looking really drunk and sad. I asked him "what have you been doing this morning? I heard you leave at 5am?". He went on to say "I went down onto the beach and swam out to the island". This shocked us because dad is in really bad physical health (in and out of hospital for his dying brain/body) and the island is sooo far out from the shore. Then he continued "I got about half way until I realized that if I keep going im going to die..." Hes like tearing up at this point. Then mum says to him in a condescending tone "What? Did you try to kill yourself ? hahaha come on R get real". Dad looks up a little and says "I got half way and realized I don't want to die...I didn't want to die..". Then mum says "you should of packed your backpack with wine bottles, then you wouldn't have been able to swim back!! Thats how they do it you know? Thats how its done..try that next time R". I was so shocked at this point. Really didn't know what to say...But then  snapped at mum "Mum how could you? What is wrong with you?" (i felt guilty for saying this because i know exactly whats wrong with her and its feels so wrong when I make another person feel bad).. Dad is just like at such a low point looking at the ground.

I just say to him something like "You shouldn't do that dad..don't do things like that okay?". And he says "i know i shouldn't I know..and walks away".

I just don't understand how my mother could say that to someone they supposedly "loves" or any creature that is so damaged and hurting in that situatuion. I know dad hurts mum x ten fold by choosing to drink over her all these years. But I also know that the isolation she creates for him is essentially a huge part of the lack of healing being created.

She walked into his room today (Xmas morning) to seeing him bottoms up sculling a bottle of red wine at 8:30am. It has to be soul crushing.for her. Switching between plotting to kill him by considering ordering cases of wine to pleading with him to stop drinking -  crying her eyes out for hours. What can I say... love is a battlefield for some..

She really cant seem to walk out on him...she is convinced that everything is out of her control and she needs to wait for people to change for her. Rather than she just removing herself from her environment. Its like watching a movie on repeat. -__-. Her childhood was pretty horrible, she was raised by alcoholics that left her alone all the time since age 4. They would go out at night and leave her alone in the house and then come home drunk. Show up to her school and fall down drunk in front of her friends and teachers. etc So she essentially married her mother. Stuck in her powerless child body/mindset.

Surprisingly the thing that stopped her mother from drinking was that my mum threatened her to not see me when I was born. This is probably a reason why she hates me at times - I was able to get her mum to stop instead of her - must make her feel like shit.

Anyways, I feel like my dad needs protection from my mum and my mum needs help to get out of this spiral. Its not my job...but no-one else is going to help them!! They avoid psychologists and counselors like secret spys.

Ill only be living at home for a couple more months and my dad hasn't even got that many years left - he could die tomorrow from binging this xmas.

Such is life for now lol -_-..
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now