Kels

Despair, Loneliness, Connectivity

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Despair, Loneliness, Connectivity

Hello fellow Teal Tribe :)

I make this post today as per doing some inner child work, and trying out the CP for the first time. 

I have just defined consciously in my linear brain that I have a longing for connectivity, for friendship, and for love. 

I NEED compassion, and I need to GIVE compassion. I feel desparity some times for this human interaction(connection). I am resisting the thought and feeling of loneliness lately, because I feel that it is not okay, and because it feels so awful, I of course, want to change it. I forced my self to sit with this feeling that has been LONGING to be heard(hehe). AND I received some insight...

So the trauma pertaining to my loneliness started when I was quite young, and has continued throughout my whole life including now, because it has been mentally challenging for me to try and address it, and gain more awareness of "it", and what caused "it". 

My father has never been able to give me the love and connection I needed from him as a Father, so in my mind, he has failed me, in the sense that I struggle to feel any sense of belonging, or caring from him. He has been in my life, but mentally has always wanted to be somewhere else, or doing something else(this is how I perceive it). My relationship with my father is very sad when I think of it. I want to have a close relationship with him, but he is a narcissist, and also abusive.(mind games). The way he treats me and my mother, has hindered me to keep trying to make a better relationship with him. He has just recently re-married, and gave me a 2 day notice before his wedding, with a woman who lives across the country. I do talk to my dad, but I always feel anger, and resentment towards him when I do. The way things have always been, has been difficult for me to handle, it is very hard.

My mother, on the other hand, I would say I am much closer to than the latter. For some period while I was young, she was working while my father stayed with us at home. With her gone most of the day, I also lack the connection I need to have with my mother as well, just not as much. It hurts to think of this, and admit this. I live with my mother currently. She is having financial difficulties due to physical injuries from traumas she is dealing with herself. She is actively healing her self day by day, and I am so proud of her, but when it comes to my emotions, especially negative ones, I do not feel comfortable crying infant of her, or to her. I feel shamed, and embarrassed. So I pull back on my relationship with her a bit too. 

As I type this, I have a shallow feeling in my gut, and in my centre of chest and lower sternum where the stomach meets the esophagus, a hurting sort of pressure, like some one's palm pressing in to my skeleton from my front side. I also feel my left top shoulder tense. This is physically where the pain is in conjunction to this trauma.

I am asking out to Teal Tribe for some friendship, love, and also some help as well :) 

I am ready to have physical reality connection, but I always find reasons why I can't find it, I am afraid of success in itself, afraid it will backfire, and turn bad. Afraid I will feel more alone. 

Thank you for reading this

 

Love

 

 

Kelsey

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Hey Kelsey, Your father's lack of loving attention has left you with a big hole in you heart and in your life but being angry is not a very satisfying way to fill that hole. The hidden gift here is the opportunity to learn to forgive the hurt and pain and live in love and peace filling the hole in your heart with divine love and sharing with others who have felt the same emptiness you now feel. It's only when we share the love that we avoid the emptiness that it sounds like your father is experiencing. Love, forgive, forget and move on.

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Kelsey!! I messaged you! We live in same neighbor hood and wow we have similar pasts! I also have a narcissistic father and just got out of a pretty intense relationship with a narcissist! Email me and let's hang out!!!

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