Rosalie

School System

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School System

Today I would like to talk about a negative synchronicity in my life: high school.

This is really difficult for me to talk about, because I feel a lot of shame when I am not perfect at something. It is difficult for me to figure out why I am in this situation of having to go to high school, or what I should do about it. The problem is, I am a very sensitive, empathic person, and high school is definitely not a very sensitive, empathic place. It is harsh and cold and strict and crowded, the fluorescent lights are so bright they blind me and give me headaches. The bells are so loud and shrill that they make me panic everytime I hear them. I'm usually too anxious to eat while I'm there, but there isn't really any place to eat anyways. By the time I get out I feel dead or dying. Or like I wish I was. It's hard to describe the level of exhaustion I experience after a day of school. I am anxious and tense and tired, and incredibly overstimulated. Sometimes I don't sleep all night afterwards because I am still so anxious, then I can't go to school the next day. I miss a lot of school. Usually one or two days a week. On those days I will wake up in the morning (if I slept that night) and feel terror at the thought of having to go back there, and more terror at the thought of having to tell my parents I'm not going. Sometimes they yell at me, which gives me I guess what amounts to a panic attack. My teachers all think I'm irresponsible, and that I'm skipping class. Their disapproval hurts me immensely because I'm the kind of person who wants to please everybody. I can't handle rejection. I know that if I forced myself to go everyday I would have a breakdown and not be able to go at all. I have considered dropping out, but that option terrifies me because of the disapproval I know I would face if I did that, from my parents, friends and from society. I just don't feel strong enough to take that on. So lately I've just been hanging on as best I can. I'm barely passing my courses, and a few years ago that would have horrified me, but now I just feel like this is not what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to be changing the world. I'm supposed to be helping people. I'm supposed to be living my dreams. What the hell am I doing here? I know what my purpose is. I had a vision of myself writing books, counselling people, speaking on a stage. I am basically going to be a to be a spiritual teacher.

  My heart tells me that I am having this experience in order to learn from my interactions with people, to figure out what exactly I want and to get an idea of what my shadows are. Recently though, I started to get the message that it was time for me to enroll in online courses instead. That way, I would never have to step foot in a high school again. This idea was very relieving and I started to feel like maybe I could feel excited about my life again. But my parents are dead set against it. They even went so far as to say that they wouldn't support me anymore if I did this. They have all these reasons why it wouldn't work, why it's a bad idea. All I know is that's what my heart says is right. The only thing stopping me is my fear of rejection. It's difficult with my parents because they are the people who have hurt me the very most in my life, but also the people who have helped me the very most. Our relationship is awful and so painful. But I couldn't stand it if they hated me. 

All of this contrast has given rise to the desire in me for a utopian school system. Here is my vision of what this would look like. I think it's going to be part of my purpose to help implement this in the future.

In my perfect world, school is a place you go for help on your mission. It is a place of guidance and resources. Nobody is forced to go there. Nobody has to stay. Anyone can come or go at anytime, without judgement. Nobody is forced to learn anything at my school. We learn what we are interested in. We learn what our hearts tell us is important for us to learn. We learn what brings us the most joy to learn. As I said, anyone can come or go at anytime. Everyone is encouraged to take care of themselves, and we are all loved in our uniqueness and in our specialness. If we are tired, we are encouraged to stay home and sleep, because that is what would benefit us most in that situation. We learn only what we are guided to learn, at our own pace, as we are guided to learn it. Nobody imposes their ideas on us of what we are supposed to learn or who we are supposed to become. That is between us and our souls. There is nothing we need to learn and there is nothing we shouldn't learn. We work only on our purpose and all purposes are always welcome and acceptable. Even if you only want to breath and think for your whole life, you will be loved, supported and aided on your mission. Children here choose what they want to do when they want to do it, as does everyone. Abundance is shared, and it is infinite. Children are taught of their amazing creative powers from the beginning and they are encouraged to harness them for the creation and manisfestation of their dreams. Spiritual information and teaching here is available to everyone, some basics that most children learn and master are: astral travel, connecting to higher self/Source/spirit guides/angels/power animals, energy healing, telepathy, etc. There are arts, music, maths, sciences. Every field you can dream of. All children here are happy because they are all free. they have all the information they could ever want at their fingertips and nothing is imposed on them. They may study all they want or not at all. What matters is that they are happy. They may choose whatever field they feel called to, or choose no field. These children know that they are always taken care of by the universe and can create their own abundance at will. Always.

 

 

Just hoping that maybe somebody can relate to my experience and/or offer me some insight.

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Hi there Rosalie :)

Reading your post, it's like as if you were speaking to me.

feel the pain. I know the feeling of doom whenever i have to go to school.. It created an anxiety in me of other people; it felt like i was suffocating and nobody could see me, or maybe they didnt even care.The school system is harsh. In a lot of ways it's cruel because of how it neglects each child's emotional guide in an attempt to create structure and order. 

I have to say it's been a terrifying experience. I remember when i was in primary school how it used to be. Since i was a child, i thought it was normal since the adults did not come in to say anything about it. But now that i look back at the way the system is, I realise how incredibly toxic of an environment it was for a child to grow up in. That if you couldn't get an A, that there was something wrong with you. Or if you tried to have fun as a child, it was heavily frowned down upon. Now, when i hear of parents wanting to enroll their children in school, a part of me feels helpless. 

I am 15 now, and i feel way smarter and wiser than my parents who are all deep asleep in their unconscious. I am also very sensitive, and that has increased the more i listen to my emotions. Being around them alone is enough to make me want to pack my bags and never see them ever again, because i realise how miserable they really are. I am born and raised in Singapore, and this place has strong attachments towards education. My father is the typical Asian parent, so you could imagine his reaction when i decided to leave school when i was 13. 

I have been in and out of schools ever since (sometimes i study online). The amount of freedom and liberation i felt also coupled i with stress and anxiety. there were some days when i didnt even have the motivation to study, and that scared me because for a long time doing good in school was the only way i know how to fit into society. I realised how much i held onto getting an A as an indicator of my worth, because subconsciously i knew that my father would only acknowledge and give me love if i excelled. 

This makes me laugh because sometimes i feel like having an identity crisis feels so good because it makes me question so many things about the way "it is". And school has caused me to have so many identity crisis, that i can now see the illusion. 

I can feel your pain. Your pain is valid. 

Half of this year i spent going to boarding school before i decided to quit. It was an emotional torture chamber. I had to wake up everyday and go through a day of school with fear and anxiety. It was really hard for me to make any friends, which made the whole thing even more unbearable. 

It's very scary. I know. I just want a plane to pick me up from here and drop me off to a place where i can be free. 

Freedom calls for me. Freedom calls for you. 

The universe works in a really bizarre way, let me tell you that. 11 months ago i thought i would have to be in boarding school for another 2 more years. But along the way something happened and my mom took me out of the school. The next 6 months i spent at home, and doing a notebook business i was inspired to do, and that went well for 4 months before i didnt feel inspired to do it anymore. Instead the universe called me toward running toward my emotions, and not distracting myself anymore. So for the past 2 months i have been doing nothing productive, and only on shadow work. That might terrify a lot of people  that i didnt do anything. Yes, i was very very terrified of being unproductive and doing nothing; it made me feel useless and aimless. It made me feel empty. 

i watched teal's videos, read her blogs and watched her livestreams. Teal became like a companion and a presence to my pain. But i still feel so lonely at times. I feel so stuck and desperate still. And then somedays when a part of my subconscious becomes conscious, it makes me feel liberated and i feel capable of holding space for my emotions. 

The universe is a weirdo. I love it sometimes, and i hate it too. It literally comes in and takes you places you could never have thought of. That happened to me 2 years ago. Life could literally just takes a turn for the unexpected at any moment. Sometimes you wont even realise that it had suprised you until you look back at how it all was. 

I just want you to know that your life could change any moment. Any moment. 

I just had a realisation as I am typing to you. 

All this pain that you are going through is in fact life stripping away all the illusion. 

What this means to me is that all that society imposes on you that is not the truth of your soul will be reflected to you. The pain that you feel is your soul recognising the illusion. 

For the past 2 years that has spiked my whole life around, i have realised a lot of illusions. One of them being a very (i'm talking very) subconscious belief that i will only receive love if i am an A star student. I didnt realise that before, but i was always studying so hard because that was how i knew to get love. Only recently did i really realise that i didnt even care about school. This subconscious part of me became fully loud and clear and conscious : I DONT CARE IF I DONT GET A DEGREE. I DONT WANT  TO GET A PHD. 

See that itself was liberating for me to REALLY realise. It was an illusion that i had to even be committed to learning a subject so much so that i go to university for it. It was an illusion that i even had to go to university to "earn" my significance as a fully functioning human being. What i found out about myself is that i am a butterfly who is always fluttering around in curiosity about the world. I cannot be chained to one thing that causes me wonderment and dedicate my whole life to that and then call that one thing my purpose. I am a butterfly in a very harsh society that tells me to go to school for x number of years for me to be fully knowledgeable in something i dont want to know about hell even memorise. And what if it's okay to be a butterfly and not really have an aim in life...? Because having an aimless life is a huge no-no in society, but what if i just questioned society's standards and made it OKAY and VAlID to have no aim. 

See that's how my process of realisation looks like. That's me realising the truth for me right now.  

Phew. Now that was lengthy. I had a lot of "AHA" moments just typing this to you. hehe

 

 

 

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Thanks so much for writing to me! I didn't think anyone was going to. I feel a lot better now, less lonely. I loved what you had to say. It's nice to know that there are other like- minded teenagers here. It's hard to connect with people when you live in a small town and you're different from everyone else. I hope soon I won't have to be so alone. Thanks again.

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I really resonate with your post, Mark. 

I could feel the tension living with a family whom i have outgrown. It's a little tricky to live with people who think nothing like I do, and receiving financial support from them leaves me in a helpless state. 

However, i feel relieved that i am the way i am and questioning all these beliefs. I feel like i am rebirthing everytime with each realisation. 

Now i am trying to manifest a life of freedom, and where all these beliefs no longer stare me down.

Your post truly inspired me . thank you :5761e0d592312_EmojiSmiley-120:

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So Christmas holidays are ending in a few days for me and I'm not feeling any better. I'm terrified still of the disapproval I know I will face from the people around me if I follow my heart instead of trying to please them. I feel like I've been under a cloud of fear and doom for the past few weeks. It's like I know my life is about to be absolute hell (because I'm going back to school) and I'm absolutely powerless to stop it. I've been fantasizing about suicide too. 

To hell with it all. I don't think any amount of safety and familiarity is worth this amount of pain anymore. I'm going to tell my parents how much pain I'm in, and that I'm switching to online school no matter what they do to me. Nothing they could say  or do would be enough to change my mind at this point. They could disown me, stop supporting me financially or kick me out of their house and it would still be worth it. Because I'm at the point where I  literally can't survive living this way for another  second.

I guess this is going to be my way of getting on board with drastic change in 2017.

 

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I know exactly how you feel! I feel like school is such a cold and boring place with no space for real creativity or connection. A major problem for me in school is connecting with people. I have "friends" but I never tell them about whats really going on inside my mind and they always talk about and do stuff that I have no interest in. And I feel the exact same about my parents; I want to drop out of school, but I'm afraid they'll hate me and not support me anymore. And I don't even know what I want to do, I just know that school is not for me... Well I just wanted to get that off my chest and tell you that you're not alone in this

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So, anyone got any tips on how to get through the next month of high school? The term finishes at the end of January, and that's when I'll be leaving for good.

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1 hour ago, Rosalie said:

So, anyone got any tips on how to get through the next month of high school? The term finishes at the end of January, and that's when I'll be leaving for good.

Remind the teachers that the system they work at is flawed? you don't have to do that. If a teacher is a asshole say my phone has google, and amazon has every book, I don't need to be here, but I'm here, so lets get this shit over with! lol

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Update:

It has come to my attention recently that there is a part of me that agrees with my parents and teachers.

This part of me believes that I am selfish and defective. It believes that there is something wrong with me because I can't get out of bed in the morning and because I'm failing school. It believes that these things mean that I am a bad person and therefore unlovable. It doesn't understand why I don't just do the things my parents and teachers tell me to do. It believes that doing these things would keep me safe. It believes that always doing everything people ask me to do is the way to keep myself safe. This part of me also believes that I am a failure because I am not doing anything productive with my life. It believes that the fact that I have no plans for college and am not getting straight A's means that I am failing at life. It is also disgusted by the fact that I am living with my parents and relying on them for financial support. 

It believes that I am a bad person for distracting myself from my life with my phone or with food, and it hates me every time I do this.

This part of me doesn't understand why I can't just get on with life and do what has to be done. It doesn't understand why I get tired and drained so easily doing the things I have to do, and it doesn't understand why school is so hard for me. 

It also thinks I am disgusting when my room is messy.

It believes that all of my problems would go away if I could just do everything I'm supposed to do, and stop disappointing people.

I haven't consciously agreed with this part of me for a few years, but it's still there and still attracting things into my life. What should I do about this?

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I have a really painful dynamic with my mother that's been going on for a few years now. She works really hard, and feels like she has the world on her shoulders and like she "has" to push herself to the limit everyday in order to make enough money. She feels a real lack of  support in her life, and only feels like her family cares about her when they help her with things she has to do, or sympathize with her and agree with how hard her life is. 

The conflict is, she expects everyone around her to prove they love her by doing things they don't want to do. 

I've told her that I don't want her to push herself so hard. I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do in fact, but when I tell her this her response is that she has to do things because otherwise they won't get done, and if I really loved her I would do them for her no matter how I feel. No matter what I already have going on in my life.

The thing is, I do live with my parents and rely on them financially as of right now. 

I've told them I'm perfectly fine with cooking my own meals and cleaning for myself. But they feel this isn't enough. They want me to contribute to a family that I don't want to be a part of, that I don't feel I am a part of.

I've told them that I don't want them to do things for me that they don't feel inspired to do. That they don't need to support me. 

I would rather be alone than have to deal with the emotional manipulation.

They expect me to self-sacrifice for them, and I can't get them to stop self-sacrificing themselves.

They believe they have to, no matter what I say.

They believe that I am a bad person for not doing this in return.

I watched Teal's entitlement video and immediately went into a guilt spiral because my mother  always says I am entitled. 

I also had a big fight with my Dad where I told him how I feel and he kept saying I was weak and that I'm using my pain as an excuse to not have to do anything.

I have no clue how to resolve this.

Am I being entitled in this situation?

I have been feeling lately like my whole world is crumbling around me. It doesn't feel good. When am I going to be through this? I am so tired of all this hurt and pain.

Edited by Rosalie

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Hi everyone, I just wanted to express my gratitude to everyone who has replied to my topic. Thank you all for being there for me and supporting me on this forum. It means a lot. 

Well, I have experienced my last day of high school, which is a huge relief. 

Now I am facing the uncertainty of the future, and, of course, the antagonism of my parents, whom I am working to distance myself from.

Thank you guys again for giving me the opportunity to express myself fully and completely, and to be completely myself for the first time in years. I love you all.

Rosalie

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I just found this AMAZING video that basically expresses everything I feel about school except more eloquently. You should definitely check it out. I love this guy.

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