jacob13303

Me (my path so far)

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Me (my path so far)

So, for awhile I was suffering from anxiety that would occasionally shift to full on depression due to my job. I tried x, y, and z to remedy my anxiety so that I could continue working and making money. I had started to plan out slowly how I would quit my job, allowing my heart so come in little by little each day. Then, one day at work I found a Queen of Hearts somewhere it didn't belong and I had to quit. After that was all said and done the anxiety was gone and there was something next to offer its assistance, pain. From my perspective the anxiety was the division of my temporal self and my higher self. I had no desire to go to work but my temporal self was my drive and it caused a rift. The simplified solution was quit to resolve my anxiety. The pain I've been experiencing was difficult to figure out. After letting it fill out my being and feeling how hard my heart pumped suddenly memories from when I was 8 years younger flooded my brain. This had happened before. At the ages of 12-13 I struggled with coming out of the closet as a gay male in a christian family. The main problem at that age however was accepting myself. So, I relate this pain to me not accepting my 20 soon to be 21 self. I've been so obedient and willing to help and listen to everyone but myself. I see the solution, I play along with it for a second and my heart feels relief, I even get to the other side where there's another shadow to be resolved and i come back to the pain. I know it's attachment but I don't know to what. Is it to the pain itself because that feeling flavor has been in my chest for years without me really knowing, shaping my reality with negative thoughts. Is it attachment to who i've become as a 20 year old, a video gaming hermit with all of these coping devices when it comes to human connection. I don't know. I do know that I'm attached to some part of what I created in responce to not accepting myself and I'm not sure how to move forward. I just feel momentum being built with the idea of acceptance and a big pull back. It's funny because I saw 222 last night when I was putting this all together. I guess I must jump and have faith. I've been so accustomed to being pushed, the idea of jumping is scary. I had to type what I've been going through out there.

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On 12/9/2016 at 9:18 AM, jacob13303 said:

I guess I must jump and have faith. I've been so accustomed to being pushed, the idea of jumping is scary. I had to type what I've been going through out there.

Thank you for sharing your journey through anxiety, pain and doubt. I agree with your intuition:  jump and have faith the Universe will catch you.  Go for what makes you happy.

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hi @jacob13303 how is it going right now? I hope you are doing better now and found ways to deal with you anxiety. I have read on this forum that some people really took a plunge and had faith in the universe, but I personally take smaller steps and try to work on issues every day a little bit. For me finding out root causes of my issues was a big start to recognize my thoughts and feelings regarding my issues so I could be aware when they acted up. Once I am aware it not hard to change these issues. So part of my solution is to simply overwrite my issues with thoughts that I like and that make me happy or direct me better on my path. It is a bumpy ride nonetheless

 

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