M_The_Raven

What happens after a relapse?

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What happens after a relapse?

Say you commit to growth. Healing.  A new vibe entirely.   You quit all ur addictions.   Emotional.   Mental.   Maybe it's overeating.  Or smoking.  Or drinking.    

 

What happens if u fall down And then have a brief relapse? 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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For me.  It's more or less feeling as I failed myself after successfully going 6-12 months  without contacting my abusive ex. 

I would say I'm a codependent love addict.   Ive been in recovery for a year to date seriously about my codependent love addiction. 

I made many gains over the year.  And relapsed last month.    I quickly stopped contact with abusive ex.    But.  The addiction was not quelled.  

I feel ups and downs.  Psychic attacks.  And.  Adrenal fatigue as a result. 

Been 2 weeks of no contact.   It's feeling better already.   But.  Like I said.   I feel this person is sitting on me.    Dead weight.  Like 10,000 lbs of weight on me.   Keeping my vibe low.   I cut contact.  

I feel like the psychic attacks got EXTREME at that point.   I felt psychic attacks.  I was accident prone.   I felt my immune system was harmed.   But I know I quit the habit quickly this time.  

Did I fail myself??????

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This trauma actually caused me to disassociate at one point.   

I felt her PERSONALITY SPLITTING was a dissociative effect.   

Like it didn't last.  But I felt as if  my amygdala was kicked out of whack.   Her personality splitting was really subtle.  It hit me hard.   I'm recovering.  

Why did I relapse after almost 7 months of blissful no contact and growth???

 

I feel almost trauma cortisol rushing through me all day today.    This person gives me traumatic flashbacks.   Nightmares.  Etc.   

i know she's not meaning to do this.  It's just that she's not mentally well.  But my codependent love addiction is not healed.   Ive relapsed and cut contact since.   But.  The PTSD is back. 

Edited by M_The_Raven

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For me.  It's more or less feeling as I failed myself after successfully going 6-12 months  without contacting my abusive ex. 

Hoovering from my ex  Is EXTREME and there's an active triangulation now with her and my current life scenario    Like    People from my past are stalking me ---  and communicating with the ex     They are all like involved in a very manipulative triangulation that I had no part in   Other than (COMPLETELY WALKING AWAY)    But some of my friends still in contact with them on Facebook and stuff    I   Don't want to --- but I will have to cut contact with them Too   

I would say I'm a codependent love addict.   Ive been in recovery for a year to date seriously about my codependent love addiction. 

I made many gains over the year.  And relapsed last month.    I quickly stopped contact with abusive ex.    But.  The addiction was not quelled.  

I feel ups and downs.  Psychic attacks.  And.  Adrenal fatigue as a result. 

Been 2 weeks of no contact.   It's feeling better already.   But.  Like I said.   I feel this person is sitting on me.    Dead weight.  Like 10,000 lbs of weight on me.   Keeping my vibe low.   I cut contact.  

I feel like the psychic attacks got EXTREME at that point.   I felt psychic attacks.  I was accident prone.   I felt my immune system was harmed.   But I know I quit the habit quickly this time.  

Did I fail myself??????

I feel like a loser for breaking my own rules.   I was doing amazing.    I still actually am doing amazing.  My life is great.  Except for the codependent love addiction.     It's not healed at all.  

In fact.   I ripped the wound right back open last month.    It was healing nice.    But I ripped it right open.   Felt like I've been under attack by psychic attachments all month.    It's literally taken a physical toll on me

Why are they even following my ex on Facebook?     I think I may cut that specific friend out    But I feel like that will be very hard    --- this is my guy friend    He's been a loyal person     I even explained why I felt upset over him talking to those people?

It's so fucked up.   My ex is trying to sabotage my new career too.  

She's been triangulating and getting involved in my new life as much as she can.    --- she has bad intentions.    

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You did not fail. You've made a lot of progress but in doing so you've arrived at a point where you need to revisit the source of the addiction. The source of the addiction is not the person who is triggering the addiction but rather the childhood trauma that left you with a deep need and unresolved pain. Sex/love addiction often arises from a family in which love was conditional on meeting the needs of the parent. Love is only given if you are the person they want you to be and there is no room to be yourself. The person who triggers your feelings of inadequacy mirrors the parent who tried to force you into an unhealthy love relationship. You then have to peel back the lies to see the hurt and pain in the light of unconditional love. Figure out what you really need (unconditional love) and how to get it through loving yourself enough to not give in to the manipulation. Visualize the perfect pure white light of love shining into the darkness of your pain and burning it away. You have to go through the pain to find its source and then dissolve the cause with the pure light of love. Love conquers pain and you will feel so much freer and more at peace when this is over. We often sabotage our recovery from addiction because of the guilt and shame we have for who we were and that drags us back into the darkness. Pain is the sign post to the next level of healing. Love, perfect and pure is the cure.

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I think I just turned a huge corner

 

@Pastor George   & @walt    Do you think sometimes things happen for a purpose.   A big purpose.  

Im not going to lie to you folks.  This year began and continuously tested me.   In fact. I'll go on record.   It was the most challenging.  Difficult.  Painful.   Struggling year of my life.       ----  it was sacrificing all on gamble.    The bet I made was in myself.   

I have made mistakes along the way.  

Not one year can I think of my entire life have I achieved more than I thought possible.    or grown so much in a small period. 

Yes.  I was tested by doubts.  Setbacks.   Mental hangups.   But I sell myself short.   I had a vision tonight.    I saw the future.   There was a purpose for all this.    A purpose for the pain trauma and suffering that led me here to this. EPIC CATALYST.     IT was like a punch in he face from god himself.  lIKe knocked me out cold.    THE whole world walked away --- left me for dead.   --- no one believed in me.   --- except I knew I could do the impossible.  This journey this trek.   Road out jungle set by a catalyst of tragedy.     

But i overlooked it.   --- do you know what I accomplished this year?

the impossible.  

I inspired myself.   I inspired so many others by this too.  I just didn't know my intention until now.   

It wasn't to prove something to some ex who didn't appreciate me to begin with.  

This was me doing it all for me.   So I could have exactly what I desperately needed.   Peace.  Safety.   Harmony.   And omg.   The big win. 

big year. 

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Yes i think everything that happens has a purpose but I don't think we can necessarily know what the purpose is especially at the time. That's part of what i think of as faith. Acting as though everything has a purpose but i don't need to know what just step out on faith and let the purpose reveal itself at the proper time, sometimes years even decades later. The revelation comes when we are ready, capable of understanding it. Trying to understand the deeper meaning in everything can make us crazy. Have faith that the universe will reveal itself in its own time. Peace

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6 hours ago, M_The_Raven said:

it was sacrificing all on gamble.    The bet I made was in myself.   

That is wonderful!  Please keeping betting on yourself.  Setting fire to our lives is one good way to quickly move toward a life that we love.  Any setbacks are just temporary, we deserve to live the life we love.  So please keep going.

Please also consider whether there are cords with your ex that you may want to cut.  Teal has a wonderful video on this.  

Cheering you on! <3

 

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On 12/9/2016 at 9:42 AM, Amazawa said:

That is wonderful!  Please keeping betting on yourself.  Setting fire to our lives is one good way to quickly move toward a life that we love.  Any setbacks are just temporary, we deserve to live the life we love.  So please keep going.

Please also consider whether there are cords with your ex that you may want to cut.  Teal has a wonderful video on this.  

Cheering you on! <3

 

I don't know if I'm proud of myself.  I've been on a roller coaster ride this month.

I KNOW FOR A FACT!   i've been under a very overt psychic attack at the moment,

and I'm disappointed in myself.  As I'm aware I'm under psychic attack.  but yet. even if I clear it temporarily.

it keeps returning heavier and heavier,

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MY psychic attacker is using crystals and conscious intention setting to attack my aura.  
I'm honestly feeling disappointed in myself for allowing myself to be psychic attacked.   I've tried everything.

chakra cleanse, baths with minerals, positive reinforcements.   strict no contact with negative people,  I've said no to situations that I didn't want to do (although had a codependent guilt trip into doing out of the typical triggers.)   for example.  a friend wanted me to go out for drinks to console him for his grandma who was diagnosed with cancer.   Although, I knew what he wanted to do.  He wanted to get wasted and go to a strip club with me or go to some skanky bar and pick up skanky stripper chicks and club girls.    and I just felt guilty about his grandma --- and I didn't judge him.    I just said..  NO!

And that felt good.   It alleviated my psychic attack ---    for the evening.    but i've been doing all this stuff..   but i can't find the shadow root of the attack --- i've tried imagining myself in white light.    i've tried psychic cord cutting.   I've lit maybe 10 whole sage sticks in 20 days..    and my whole house is still smoky.     residue from palo santo wood etc.  I've been carrying around black tourmaline and black onyx and black obsidian..   I've been smudging them every single hour too ---  i've done chakra meditations and soul integrations.    temporary fixes..  but the sleeplessness =----  nightmares..    and general fatigue isn't leaving.   I've got tunnel vision.     I see blurred vision.   I have been hearing ringing in my ears.    My general physical balance is off kilter.    Arithmic heart tremors.   ICY FEVERISH chills..     and I keep seeing the person who is waging the attack on me.  

I know it's my own fault too.      I WAS BEING BRAGGADOCIO AND COMPETITIVE WITH MY EX.    ---   I rejected all her hoovering and overt advances..  she kept inviting me over for sex..   she was telling me she loved me.  love bombing me.   and i said/   "I wish you love.    but i've moved on.   we are done.   I will never have sex with you.    it was a mistake breaking no contact with you --   i think you're great (lying)  --- it's just that i've moved on and grew.  and I'm initiating no contact at this point"     ----  then --- I changed my phone number and blocked her completely...     this was 3 weeks ago.   the psychic attacks keep on coming on strong.    and i'm doing everything i can to thwart them off ---   i'm sending my attacker love and compassion.    but ---- she's coming at me hard.     she has a lot of very powerful manifesting skills.    she also well versed in law of attraction,   she manifests intentions with moon.    she also uses and meditates with crystals.      the last thing she said to me was "YOUR KARMA IS DESTROYED NOW!    I OWN YOU!    YOU ARE MY SLAVE ---   YOU WILL PAY!"     and i've been having migraines..   sleeplessness..   accidents are occurring ---- like i have been falling down the steps on a false step.   and hurting myself.    all these horrible symptoms --- and she won't leave me alone --- she's giving me constant psychic attacks.   and i believe consciously.   and in a way ----  i think i  am returning attacks on her by this horrible cycle.     I don't want to hurt her or cause her pain.    but she's been really upsetting me and my psychic aura.     I CAN'T FIND THE SHADOW REASON FOR THE ATTACK.    i've been trying.   the only honest answer i have was to be GLOATING..    i felt on top of the world --- my life was great and i wanted to gloat.   and i did so very subtle.    ---- but i was honest.   ---  i kept saying how happy i was ---- and i was!!!!


But --- she said she had the worst year of her life..  

and I said.   GENUINELY ---     I'm sorry.       I didn't know if I unconsciously wished it on her.     BUT I SAW IT!    and then I NO LONGER FELT SCHADENFREUDE!   

I felt the typical codependent "RESCUE THE POOR DAMSEL IN DISTRESS" vibe.    I Felt PITY>..   not guilt.  

But --- i cut contact.    BC I didn't feel as if I could help her ---   she was toxic for me.   


And now I'm under constant psychic warfare

I NEED HELP!

Edited by M_The_Raven

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The video I linked is too long, the last two minutes is where she does the healing spell. I recorded the spell, convert it to mp3 and play it in your home when you go out to the store or something. Here is the 2min spell she does

 

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So,  one of the things she used to taunt me about was my physical activity (it's a hobby and it's my exercise and zen)  --- SKATEBOARDING.

MY EX.    She wouldn't allow me skateboard.    She said I needed to "be an adult.  and dignified.   and adults who are dignified don't act like children.. and they definitely don't do white trash activities like skateboarding"   ==  she wanted me to take up golf..   or at very least jogging or whatever..   I don't know what it was about.   She was mortified that i was skateboarding.  she said she felt humiliated by me --- because I was skating around our neighborhood ---   and she was watching me from the window shrieking etc..  drinking white wine.. and using my credit card to buy stuff online.

Well---  over the last 6- 7 months of no contact.   I've brought myself into great physical shape.   Part of it was the skateboarding.   I enjoyed it.   I was getting good --- like I was burning 2000 calories in a workout (according to the fitness tracker / heart rate monitor thing).    ---    so.   I was literally like in epic shape.    i'd skateboard like 1 to 1 ½ hours every evening after work..  and it was awesome.   just me--- my headphones..   music playlist on shuffle.    I literally was burning 4700 calories per day --- when on average i was burning like 2100.  

 

but i felt full of energy.   almost like high vibe.   i was just like coasting.  

WELL>    i wouldn't have known this.. but after breaking no contact with my ex last month.    ---   and from that moment the energy shifted on my end.    I'd found her with a full leg cast..  

She'd literally broken her leg ----   how?   She was at some guy's house and decided to try skateboarding on his skateboard in his garage..  and broke her leg..  and was was a GIANT cast on her entire left leg.   completely --- freaking out..  because she couldn't work or move around freely.  

 

and then ---  after 2 weeks of phone conversations.    SHE flipped the energy switch.   NOW i'm the one in pain..  she's out skipping and jumping and frolicking ..  no cast..  


WHY!?!?!??!?!    ----  Why can't we both be happy!?????


WHY DOES ONE OF US have to be suffering for the other to be happy!????


I NEVER WISHED HER TO BREAK HER LEG SKATEBOARDING..    i think it's irony.   ---  but i felt bad for her..  but I didn't feel guilt.

 

BUT SHOULD I FEEL GUILT?

Did my joy of skateboarding break her leg?   PSYCHICALLY?  

Now.   I feel like she's miserable because I'm happy.   and I wish her only good things..  and I feel like her happiness is now dependent on my misery ---- because that's how she is!


And she's winning this battle for the last 3 weeks of no contact..  and IT"S KILLING ME!! 

I'm starting to hate myself so much for allowing this!!!!

Edited by M_The_Raven

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So,  one of the things she used to taunt me about was my physical activity (it's a hobby and it's my exercise and zen)  --- SKATEBOARDING.

Well---  over the last 6- 7 months of no contact.   I've brought myself into great physical shape.   Part of it was the skateboarding.   I enjoyed it.   I was getting good --- like I was burning 2000 calories in a workout (according to the fitness tracker / heart rate monitor thing).    ---    so.   I was literally like in epic shape.    i'd skateboard like 1 to 1 ½ hours every evening after work..  and it was awesome.   just me--- my headphones..   music playlist on shuffle.    I literally was burning 4700 calories per day --- when on average i was burning like 2100.  

 

but i felt full of energy.   almost like high vibe.   i was just like coasting.  

WELL>    i wouldn't have known this.. but after breaking no contact with my ex last month.    ---   and from that moment the energy shifted on my end.    I'd found her with a full leg cast..  

She'd literally broken her leg ----   how?   She was at some guy's house and decided to try skateboarding on his skateboard in his garage..  and broke her leg..  and was was a GIANT cast on her entire left leg.   completely --- freaking out..  because she couldn't work or move around freely.  

 

and then ---  after 2 weeks of phone conversations.    SHE flipped the energy switch.   NOW i'm the one in pain..  she's out skipping and jumping and frolicking ..  no cast..  


WHY!?!?!??!?!    ----  Why can't we both be happy!?????


WHY DOES ONE OF US have to be suffering for the other to be happy!????


I NEVER WISHED HER TO BREAK HER LEG SKATEBOARDING..    i think it's irony.   ---  but i felt bad for her..  but I didn't feel guilt.

 

BUT SHOULD I FEEL GUILT?

Did my joy of skateboarding break her leg?   PSYCHICALLY?  

Now.   I feel like she's miserable because I'm happy.   and I wish her only good things..  and I feel like her happiness is now dependent on my misery ---- because that's how she is!


And she's winning this battle for the last 3 weeks of no contact..  and IT"S KILLING ME!! 

I'm starting to hate myself so much for allowing this!!!!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

QUESTION:  Should i just tell her the truth at this point?   That i'm miserable after the last 3 weeks of no contact and her psychic warfare..   should i tell her the truth that i've been under constant psychic duress --- and that i'm in the darkest pit of hell?      SOOOOOOO...  maybe she can feel better about herself and stop waging warfare on me?

Because the warfare she's waging on me is due to the fact that when i cut our contact ---   I was strong.. healthy..  and totally not diminished or completely destroyed emotionally.   I WAS STANDING HIGH ON THE HILL..  and I didn't want to break her heart or anything.   I was only being selfish and looking after my own needs.   I didn't feel enormous schadenfreude ---   i felt pity for her.    but that was the extent of it.   I didn't feel guilt or remorse.  

I FELT STRONG.  and I said..   "IT"S OVER!     DONE!  I wish you a great life..  but you and i are going into two separate directions and from this point on (*on the phone 3 weeks ago with her) "   I said, "From here on out.   we're not talking again.   I wish you great things in life.  but we can never speak again --  i wanted to be friends and be on good terms with you, but i realize now it's unhealthy for me.   I've moved on.   I want you to go out and do great things and succeed.."

*(I meant it.) ---  i don't have any hate for her.    ---    i really don't ---   but 

 

I THINK ---  that by even saying that.. and cutting contact with her was a trigger..  and she;s been hellbent to destroy me ever since.  and she's winning at this point.

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her happiness is dependent on my misery..  or her perception of me in misery --- her mental image of me as near death completely destroyed gives her EUPHORIC BLISS..     I know it does..  It gives her great feelings of joy..   and the inverse is also true.   to see me doing great in life causes her so much mental anguish that the psychic attacks are soooooooooooooooo  POTENT and so powerful.. they actually achieve the goal of making me a miserable person as a result!    

   so what if i just pretend to be miserable?   -- for her peace of mind..  and so what if she thinks i'm a loser?    As long as she's happy and not waging psychic war on me because i'm doing great..   right?   

So she can get back to her happiness and health and feel like a omnipotent god that conquers all  and leave my psychic aura alone.

Right?    Or is that just a horrible idea..     It's half-true.  her psychic warfare has made me miserable for 3 weeks since we last spoke.    it's active and i felt as if I had the upper hand that day.  and i did --- and as a result.   I know she's taken it upon herself to ruin me and my life to ensure that she wins..

 

Should i let her have it?  
She'll stop attacking me psychically..  feel like a winner.. and I can cut contact again..  only this time..   she'll know she's the greatest person  in human history.. not a mortal -- but a god with magical powers who diviies out justice to weak mortals who deserve punishment.    *i.e.   someone like me.   

 

then ---- she can sleep well and not constantly be in psychic warfare battle with me?


and I can move on with my life and get back to my usual healthy --- happy --- and awesome life  because she won't be harassing me psychically and stalking me and my friends and triangulating gossip in my circle of friends online or active in smear campaigns?


She can move on to a new target and destroy and diminish them actively.. and i can escape and restore my sanity again -0--  and she can sleep easy knowing she beat me and she is the greatest and I'm a loser (in her mind)?

Edited by M_The_Raven

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