Ravenwood135

Dealing with abandonment

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Dealing with abandonment

When my mother was pregnant with me she started having contractions 3 months before i was born. She said when she was explaining it that it must have felt to me like i was getting a nice hug every two minutes, but it caused her severe stress and almost killed her. As the story goes she i was the birth canal, already well on my way out, and her blood pressure dropped dangerously, they were about to take her in for an emergency C section to try and save our lives but according to her, i kicked her, and she suddenly recovered. It is my belief that after this she suffered greatly from postpartum depression though that has never been proven. But i would cry whenever she wasn't holding me and it drove her to blackouts from lack of sleep. She was forced to "wean me out of my clinginess", this was very painful for me. I remember all through my life she kept it up, whenever she thought i was getting two attached to her she would pull away. I realise now that this has left me with a deep seated fear of abandonment and i really have no real idea how to handle that.  So much has happened in my life that seems so extraordinary, i have perceived things most could only dream of, it's just the way my brain works, and yet i am so scared all the time. I have spent time with my infant self, i have visualised holding her and loving her how i wish my mother could have shown love to me, but the crying never stops. I am so tired, i dont know what i'm missing, but i know i need to figure this out somehow. As someone who appears to have similar abilities to my own, any advice you have would be appreciated.

Edited by Ravenwood135
Dyslexia is a pain
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On 07/12/2016 at 5:19 PM, Ravenwood135 said:

Dealing with abandonment

When my mother was pregnant with me she started having contractions 3 months before i was born. She said when she was explaining it that it must have felt to me like i was getting a nice hug every two minutes, but it caused her severe stress and almost killed her. As the story goes she i was the birth canal, already well on my way out, and her blood pressure dropped dangerously, they were about to take her in for an emergency C section to try and save our lives but according to her, i kicked her, and she suddenly recovered. It is my belief that after this she suffered greatly from postpartum depression though that has never been proven. But i would cry whenever she wasn't holding me and it drove her to blackouts from lack of sleep. She was forced to "wean me out of my clinginess", this was very painful for me. I remember all through my life she kept it up, whenever she thought i was getting two attached to her she would pull away. I realise now that this has left me with a deep seated fear of abandonment and i really have no real idea how to handle that.  So much has happened in my life that seems so extraordinary, i have perceived things most could only dream of, it's just the way my brain works, and yet i am so scared all the time. I have spent time with my infant self, i have visualised holding her and loving her how i wish my mother could have shown love to me, but the crying never stops. I am so tired, i dont know what i'm missing, but i know i need to figure this out somehow. As someone who appears to have similar abilities to my own, any advice you have would be appreciated.

RavenWood, I feel the same pain as you, and have similar abandonment experiences and fears. The way I tend to deal with it is within my mentality - I go into the state of being abandoned - like a what if scenario "what if the love of my life left me" etc. I would feel so so sad, because I love them so much. I would feel lonely and I would feel sad but I would still have myself and I would still have our memories, i would still have love and a life to live. I try to remember this every time i begin to spiral down into abandonment - feeling like ive been left alone or could be.

I also try to think how ways that I can make other people feel secure. I take pride in my experiences of being abandoned and consciously focus on the time i spend with people. Time is  precious and I have the ability to protect others from feeling that way by not abandoning them emotionally, spiritually or consciously.

I hope this helps some how. :)

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Dear Ravenwood135 and Zola,

I do feel the same so I want to ask for your advice here. I don't remember if I was abandoned much in childhood although yes my dad did not pay much attention to me due to his reserved unemotional nature. But now being adult I face a lot of abandonment, especially from my friends and boyfriends. They treat me well but seems like they don't care much if I am here or not. They can ignore my messages or take like several days to reply. They never ask me how I feel and I think they are not interested much.. They often have smth more important or interesting to do than to talk to me. I am not clingy or needy. I live my life and have hobbies. 95% of people I meet every day (colleagues, acquantances, random people) treat me very good, say that I'm a great person, interesting, deep. So I do not understand why my close ones tend to abandone me? I feel lonely and depressed. Probably you can advise me some books or excersises? And the second part of my question: I feel resentment and desire to behave the same way towards them sometimes. Or tell them that they hurt me. But I just do not really understand who is wrong here, wether it's my complexes manifest or they violate my boundaries? Thank you for any advice!

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