Leah L.

Sociophobia

22 posts in this topic

Sociophobia

So Teal said once that we are all one and our reactions to each other are reactions to oureselves, or something like that. And that means that I'm terrified of myself and I guess it's true. It creates that neediness to connect with people, so I don't have to be with myself alone, but at the same time I have a panic attack everytime I need to talk to people. I know that it all comes down to me facing that fear, but my mind starts to maniacally seek distraction everytime I try to sit with this sensation. Most of the time I feel like the whole world hates me. It feels like deep burning sensation in my solar plexus that comes up through my chest and gets stuck in my throat. It feels like I'm stuck and isolated forever.

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Please consider giving yourself a mini-vacation from wanting to fix things in your life.  Instead, please give focus to what makes you happy, even the smallest thing.  For me, just watching a bird take a bath or a squirrel play in the trees can lift my spirits.  Then, continue to build on the momentum and focus on the next thing that makes you feel good.  Keep going and see what happens.

Our inner world creates our outer world.  When we find ways to be happy inside, the outside world bends to support our happiness.  Please try it; I have found that it really works. :)

 

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On 06.12.2016 at 4:44 PM, Amazawa said:

Please consider giving yourself a mini-vacation from wanting to fix things in your life.  Instead, please give focus to what makes you happy, even the smallest thing.  For me, just watching a bird take a bath or a squirrel play in the trees can lift my spirits.  Then, continue to build on the momentum and focus on the next thing that makes you feel good.  Keep going and see what happens.

Our inner world creates our outer world.  When we find ways to be happy inside, the outside world bends to support our happiness.  Please try it; I have found that it really works. :)

 

Thank you for your advice, it seems like a good idea! I don't know where to start though, when I'm home it feels like I'm isolated and I'm very bored, when I'm outside i feel very anxious. It's weird when you're an extrovert and you have sociophobia haha

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1 hour ago, Leah L. said:

I don't know where to start though

In a Hayhouse interview, Teal talks about her experience when she was being tortured.  She was often put into a deep pit with stinging nettles, and she would never know how long she would be left in there.  The uncertainty and loneliness was torture.  Then, one day she noted there were some ants in the pit with her, and she was guided to see that she could find connection with the ants, and then the grass, and then others things around her.  It helped.

Nature is always very healing for me too.  When I am out in nature, I find it very soothing.  Perhaps start there?  Find a beautiful place in nature and just spend time communing with what you find.  Connection does not always have to start with humans.  Once we feel better, connecting with humans becomes easier. 

Cheering you on, Leah.  You can do this.  Follow your heart! <3

 

Edited by Amazawa
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On 12/5/2016 at 9:06 AM, Leah L. said:

Sociophobia

So Teal said once that we are all one and our reactions to each other are reactions to oureselves, or something like that. And that means that I'm terrified of myself and I guess it's true. It creates that neediness to connect with people, so I don't have to be with myself alone, but at the same time I have a panic attack everytime I need to talk to people. I know that it all comes down to me facing that fear, but my mind starts to maniacally seek distraction everytime I try to sit with this sensation. Most of the time I feel like the whole world hates me. It feels like deep burning sensation in my solar plexus that comes up through my chest and gets stuck in my throat. It feels like I'm stuck and isolated forever.

I can't believe i used to work in retail and even made a career. Ended up there by accident. Now I know where this feeling comes from.

Now I am a customer :D

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, Amazawa said:

In a Hayhouse interview, Teal talks about her experience when she was being tortured.  She was often put into a deep pit with stinging nettles, and she would never know how long she would be left in there.  The uncertainty and loneliness was torture.  Then, one day she noted there were some ants in the pit with her, and she was guided to see that she could find connection with the ants, and then the grass, and then others things around her.  It helped.

Nature is always very healing for me too.  When I am out in nature, I find it very soothing.  Perhaps start there?  Find a beautiful place in nature and just spend time communing with what you find.  Connection does not always have to start with humans.  Once we feel better, connecting with humans becomes easier. 

Cheering you on, Leah.  You can do this.  Follow your heart! <3

 

Thank you <3 yeah i have ants in my house to connect with haha.i love hugging trees, that probably looks weird but it calms me. And i also have connection with my cat. I should focus on these things more

 

7 hours ago, Garnet said:

I can't believe i used to work in retail and even made a career. Ended up there by accident. Now I know where this feeling comes from.

Now I am a customer :D

 

 

 

Great shift! Oh how i want a shift right now, but i probably have a lot of resistance

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Yesterday I felt very low vibrationally. I felt strong pulsing contractions in my solar plexus and I felt like someone was squeezing my throat. It felt like pure panic mixed with feeling of being hurt. It felt like complete helplessness too. I was trying to bath this feeling in a pink color and the feeling started to resist. I stopped trying to do something about it and just sat with it for about half an hour. Then I asked it how it occured within me. I got an answer that it was always within me, but I was trying to escape it, I was trying to leave it behind and it felt betrayed and it felt like it was dying. I sat with it more and then I asked when was the first time it occured. The feeling got even stronger and I started to suffocate, everything was blurry, I saw the yellowish light. I felt violated and I felt miserable. It felt like something bad happened. The sound of something heavy and metallic hitting something hard. It could be some medical instruments. It was the scene of me being born, my mother had a c-section with general anaestesia. The nurses took me away from the unconscious body of my mother and put me somehwere, where I spent hours that felt like ages. I was crying at the top of my lungs, but no one came. That is where that feeling came from. No one was there for me. That is where my sociophobia started - it felt like people were there to hurt and to isolate me.

I stepped out of the perspective of the newborn baby. I looked in her little face and she looked in mine. That was the instant connection. I saw her. I saw that she was hurting and I was there for her. I took her in my arms and let her feel held. She wanted to get out of here, but there was something I needed to do. I called the nurses and I made my higher self shout at them, while we were safe and watching them being punished. My higher self told them that because they didn't show any care and because they ignored the baby, she will grow up feeling like no one is there for her, and no one will ever care for her. My higher self told them that it is inexcusable and put each one of them in jail.

Then I called other parts of me. One part was searching for a mother, one part was trying to escape, one part was "nursing" other babies. I let them became one again. Then I called angels and told them to care for other babies there.

I felt like the newborn me calmed down. I was holding her tight and I left that room. When I closed the door I imagined that memory being shrinked into nothing.

Then I went to my safe haven and spend some time nursing the baby, I bathed her in my lake with a waterfall and rainbows. Then she wanted us to integrate and I let her enter my solar plexus, I told her that I'll care for her and that her safety and comfort is my main priority now. And that I'll never leave her behind.

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So I went for a walk today and it felt good, it wasnt that tense as it used to,except for one episode ugh >.< so I went to the grocery store, and I was sure some group of teenagers was following me and laughing at me. I don't know for sure, maybe I am just paranoid, but why I keep attracting situations like that? I am functioning pretty well when I'm unnoticed, but when I feel like someone is looking at me I start to act all awkward and unreasonable, I start to drop things and go womehere just to hide. So I finished with my groceries and wanted to leave the store and some guy opened the door for me. I mean it's a nice thing to do right - if you see someone with bags, you open the door for them, it's a simple act of kindness. It is not that big of a deal. But for some reason I panicked and pretended that I forgot something and ran away. Then I spent twenty minutes hiding in the corner of the store till I was sure he was gone. I mean people don't act like that right? why am I like that

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I understand you and I feel the same way. When I'm at school I often can't stand the pressure of so many people that I don't trust all around me, I feel so unsafe. Most of the time I will spend the whole lunch break hiding in a bathroom stall,  just trying to calm down and feel safe and alone. I associate being alone with safety,   Because people are so scary, but at the same time I am so lonely and I want so much to be known and understood by other people....

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5 hours ago, Rosalie said:

I understand you and I feel the same way. When I'm at school I often can't stand the pressure of so many people that I don't trust all around me, I feel so unsafe. Most of the time I will spend the whole lunch break hiding in a bathroom stall,  just trying to calm down and feel safe and alone. I associate being alone with safety,   Because people are so scary, but at the same time I am so lonely and I want so much to be known and understood by other people....

Oh sounds familiar :(  you are not alone in feeling this way. However I'm not sure if it is such a wonderful thing, because I couldn't overcome it with years. But maybe you will! You have Teal now :)  Be gentle with yourself, take small simple steps. Maybe write letters to people you feel like you can't talk to - it doesn't matter if they won't see it, I feel so much better when I do it. And feel free to pm me anytime. 

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On 12/13/2016 at 7:46 PM, Leah L. said:

But for some reason I panicked and pretended that I forgot something and ran away. Then I spent twenty minutes hiding in the corner of the store till I was sure he was gone. I mean people don't act like that right? why am I like that

Dear, dear Leah.... people do act like that when they have been through what you have been through.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are perfect.  What you are experiencing is your Higher Self leading you to become whole.  Please be patient and loving with yourself.

I am so inspired by the CP session you did for yourself!  It is amazing to me that you could access that memory by yourself.  That took deep courage and strength!  Please keep going.  Keep processing and resolving past traumas.  As you do, you will feel your power and freedom restored to you.

Feel free to reach out to me if you like.  Sending you lots of love and support for your journey to become whole. <3

 

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@Amazawa  thank you so much <3 that is not the first time I tried to heal my birth trauma, I did at least 5 sessions previously and I am very grateful for these experiences! it is truly an amazing process 

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On 12/16/2016 at 2:05 AM, Leah L. said:

@Amazawa  thank you so much <3 that is not the first time I tried to heal my birth trauma, I did at least 5 sessions previously and I am very grateful for these experiences! it is truly an amazing process 

You are awesome, @Leah L.!  5 sessions!  <3 

Yes, CP is an amazing process. 

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Thank you, @Amazawa  <3

So I had a pretty weird experience today. I had a job interview, so I felt very anxious. Everything felt like it wants me to fail. Every stare, every sound, every shadow felt very judgemental and unfriendly. So I came home and I decided to sit with this sensation. Why everything feels like an enemy to me? It felt like a spinning sucking sensation in my stomack. It felt like pure anxiety. I focused on that feeling and this time I went straight into the memory, it felt like I'm falling right in the center of the vortex of this sensation. This time I felt my mother's energy and it was the energy of pure horror. I was soaking in that energy, I was not born yet. I stepped out of the perspective of unborn me. I told her, that I'll care about her from now on. Then I went out of my mother's belly. I knew exactly what was going on. My mother just had a phonecall from the police and they told her that her brother killed someone. So I followed my intuition and told my mother that it is absoultely okay to feel terrified. I called angels and made them go and care about her brother. I told my mother it is no longer her responsibility. She doesn't have to deal with it. I reminded her that she has someone that needs care right now. My mother agreed and I watched her telling the baby in her belly that everything is alright. Then I asked her to focus on this feeling of absoulte terror. I asked her when was the first time she felt it. We went back to her childhood and I saw my mother as a little girl, sitting on the floor and covering her ears. Someone was screaming. It was her father and he was drunk. My little uncle was laying on the floor sobbing and covering his head, while my grandpa was above him, shouting and hitting him hard. I never saw anyhting like that. It felt like the end of the world, absolute terror. I stopped the time for my grandpa. I created the rope and tied him up from his shoulders to his ankles, completely immobilizing him. I called angels and told them to care about my uncle. Then I went to my mother, she was still covering her ears. I told her that it's over and it will never going to happen ever again. I told her that it is absolutely fine to feel this way and what they went through was absolute hell. Then I took her and we went to my safe haven. There the little version of my mother integrated with the pregnant version of my mother and I left her there.

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@Leah L., thank you for sharing that amazing CP session!  You are a natural, and I love how you intuitively understand how to process and integrate each trauma memory.  I sense you are actually healing generational traumas so that they are no longer passed on to future generations.  I send you lots and lots of love and support as you do this amazing and important work.  

Please consider visiting your safe haven regularly to see how your mother and you inner children are being loved and healed.  For me, doing that brought a deep feeling of bliss and lots of healing.  As you heal your inner world, I know your outer world will change to be more pleasing to you.

<3

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