Giulia

dealing with a drug-addict brother.

11 posts in this topic

hi all,

my intuition has guided me tonight to this forum to ask for some advice.

As a family we've recently found out that my 28 yo brother is addicted to cocaine; it al started slowly and now thing are getting worse by the day.

I know that we all have free will and if  that's the path he's in I can't do anything to 'save him', and I know that he must stop running from his demons and face his deep wounds. Still it hurts so much to be in this situation. I also know that this is a mirror situation of all my family dysfunctions. Like the fact that he's still living at home and I don't know what will happen now.

But I've never faced anything like that before....I'm used to deal with my own shadows but not of those whom I love.

Do you have any similar stories to share? it would be of great comfort.

Thank you all in advance.

Edited by Giulia
typo
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I have a friend who uses cocaïne and speed the first 3/4 years i didnt notice. Until he got fired and shortly after that homeless. From that moment it went downhill fast.

I wanted to help him get back on his feet again but failed because of my mistakes. I was still convinced that he was on the same level of fibration as he was 3/4/ years ago.

Than I started to read everything there was about cocaïne addiction and why and how. The solution in this case was pretty simple compared to other stories ive come across.

I asked him for help. (I knew he liked electronics). So i searched for a interesting topic about electronics. This topic was the Joecell, to fully understand it takes lots of searching reading and conversations between us about the how and why. This also takes one into the fourth and fived dementies. I asked him if we could make one and how he saw it could be done.

What happend was he got self confidence back, the feeling that he was needed, that he knew more than some one else. I never spoke about drugs or cocaïne didnt Judge anything about it.

Helped him a litlle with a room and a small basis to get back on his feet. After about 4 mouths he still used but not so much that he could not fuction normal. Meaning 2/3 times a week not everyday anymore. Its now a year i dont know his useage but he got a job pays his rent on time bought decent cloths and is a pretty happy most of the time. We have build 2 cells 1 worked for a short period, now building the thirth.

Eventualy I hope he will get into spiritualy or whatever so he broadens his horizon.

Thats the way i did it but everyone is different and the degree of addiction and the relationship you have to that person. Try to imagine your in that situation and what it takes to get you out of that.

Hope this gives you some ideas.

(what addics seek is the same as us all wanting to feel good we do it by knowledge/meditation/etc they do it by a drug which is fysical and a dead end eventualy.) 

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12 hours ago, Tibor said:

Thats the way i did it but everyone is different and the degree of addiction and the relationship you have to that person. Try to imagine your in that situation and what it takes to get you out of that.

Hope this gives you some ideas.

(what addics seek is the same as us all wanting to feel good we do it by knowledge/meditation/etc they do it by a drug which is fysical and a dead end eventualy.) 

What you did is wonderful, @Tibor!  Just perfect! <3

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It is so hard for anyone watching someone they love struggle with addiction. They have resorted to a quick fix to help overcome the pain and emptiness but the quick fix leaves them hurting worse when it wears off. Only when the pain of what they are doing is worse that the pain of what they're trying to escape will they begin to see the need to change. We want to help so we try to take away the pain but this only prolongs the suffering. They must eventually go through the pain to get to the other side, face the horror that they are afraid to face and overcome it. If you want to help, ask them what it is that the drugs do for them and how can they get those needs met without the drugs. What are they afraid of and when will they face it? Introduce them to Teal's videos and help them answer those questions. Message me directly if I can be more help. Be Blessed.

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@Tibor @Mark Joseph Middleton @Pastor George

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I feel like I need to explain the situation more in depth,so thank you in advance for your attention.

When my brother and I  were growing up, we faced continous traumatic experieces related to our family. There were. and still are, a lot of mental health issues and dysfunctions. To give you an example, the majority of grown-ups in the familt still live with their parents and are not financially-or materially- independent.

I've never considered my brother a problem, I think he's the sanest person of the whole bunch.

He's extremely sensitive, profound and intelligent. He's compassionate but deeply insecure and we both experienced severe emotional neglect and loneliness as children. He'd do anything to be accepted and he keeps attracting people that don't care about him.

I think that the fact that I'm italian and we still live in Italy makes it a bit difficult to truly explain what family looks like over here. We're raised with the belief that our family is our responsability. We have a huge identification with it. We don't usually leave the family home as early as other european and american countries.

I kind of felt that he would hit rock bottom. I had to work on myself for 6 years on an emotional level just to be able to 'function' in normal settings without having severe anxiety and fear.

I know that he's able to go throught this really difficult time. And I'll be there for him if he feels like he wants to. And I'll always love him , even if he doesn't want any help at all. Yes, some part of me is wishing that he'd just get better, but that's just my projection.

This is his life and he has the ultimate choice.

Reading other people's experiences is always helpful, so thanks for your stories.

 

Edited by Giulia
typo
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On ‎20‎-‎12‎-‎2016 at 0:03 AM, Giulia said:

@Tibor @Mark Joseph Middleton @Pastor George

 

I think that the fact that I'm italian and we still live in Italy makes it a bit difficult to truly explain what family looks like over here. We're raised with the belief that our family is our responsability. We have a huge identification with it. We don't usually leave the family home as early as other european and american countries.

 

 

 

This is a perfect entree, because of the strong familairy band, ask him to help you out with something, which will take the top off his intelligence to do. It will give confidence and valleu to his beingness. You have to start somewhere, good luck

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Addiction is not a mechanism to feel good. It's used to block out pain.

If they block out pain doesnt that make them feel better?

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If you are willing and able to be around him - I suggest trying to connect with him in small ways you know how, activities that you can do together, even if its just going for a walk.

If you can give him unconditional love, then try your best to do that. He needs someone who won't judge him but will support him. He can feel the judgement even if you don't say anything that sounds judgemental. So try to be authentic, act the way you feel and be around him when you are in a space of love and care.

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On 22/12/2016 at 2:03 PM, walt said:

I hate to bust your bubble but you are the text book example of an enabler. You have devised a system to help your friend that only eases your conscience. When we make decisions for wounded people we rob them of recovery. 

Addiction is not a mechanism to feel good. It's used to block out pain. Wounded people have two choices. One is to take charge of their lives and seek the necessary help to recover. The other is to choose to be a victim and sink meekly into despair.

 

Ive read a few places/ saw a ted talk (think Teal did a video too) about addiction that suggest that it can be helped through connection and love. It states that the reason an addict often becomes an addict is because of the lack of connection from their family or friends or a lack of love or too much isolation.

Found the video

Johann Hari Ted Talk Addiction

Edited by Zola

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On ‎25‎-‎12‎-‎2016 at 8:49 PM, walt said:

The addict has to be the one to reach out.

By all means be an advocate for people who struggle. The problem starts when we begin to act on their behalf. You simply cannot recover for someone else.

Guess you overlooked the part that I said "I asked him to help me" I did order him and it was his choice to help out if he didnt want too he would have said no.

Still a pity to see troubled people slide down like that. Dunno about the rest of the world but in Holland the official organizations who are suppose to help them.

Consist mostly of hired help (one man business) they are there more to make hours than that they are concernd about real helping them.

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