lesteinhoff

.

9 posts in this topic

(sorry for my english) a lot sounds like its about me... i have... sometimes still feel disconnected and numb. no interest in anything, nothing lifting me up. i am older then you and have a family of my own.. so you see that you are not the only one.. understand that you are not alone.

second,... you are full of anger.. thats it. that anger has to come out before you continue.. thats why nothing is interessting or inspring. you have a thick cloud of anger around you. 

3d you need to understand that you creat youre own reality.. you really need to understand that. i am talking abou the law of attraction.. google it/youtoube-it.. just look it up, and try to really understand in general what this means for you in youre life... so you can take responsibility for youre self and make youre own choices. 

the anger thing.. you need to let it out,.. i dont know where you can do that, privatly or try to find a place where you can join a meditaion group where they alow you to let youre anger loose.. if you want to do it alone in youre own home, then start punching something like a couch or youre bed.. it will feel silly but believe me you will have a breakthrew and feel better..

i have done it myself.. scream, yell, cry, it all needs to come out. and do this every day.. untill you do feel something.. 

from that moment you will get more cleare, because its not good to hold so much pain and anger in, this is where you need to start. if i can find a video or book about this i will let you know, i do have a book about this letting go of anger but it is a Dutch book. i am from the netherlands.

i hope this makes sense to you a little.. please let us know what you are going to do.

love and light,

Noor

 

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You haven't mentioned any kind of work. If you are letting your family support you then you are also letting them define you. Go find something to do preferably something to help others. Get involved, find your passion, DO Something! Noor is right, get the anger out but you can use it to drive your passion for making things better for all of us. Express yourself with enthusiasm, write draw paint act sing create invent organize whatever. Get out of yourself . Get into something until you care about it, and keep coming back. We love you we've all been there lonely and in pain. Thats why we're here.

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This sounds like me. Almost every point. So i dare say that i might know what state you are in. Sadly i don't know how to help you, since i'm basically in the same situation.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, I am back living at my mothers house after a huge life collapse, and I know the feeling of being disconnected and unreachable. This may sound difficult, but would anyone nearby be willing do see you in person? I have a feeling that it isn't just expression- looking deeply into anothers eyes and actually putting your feelers out for them might help break a barrier for you. 

I have been trying to do the completion process by myself, and as soon as I get close, the pessimism, alarm, or physical uncomfort jolts me out of state. It is obnoxious and frustrating, because I *know* that I am close, but some internal protection is still so damn powerful it wont let me get past that. I would LOVE to just scream and grieve, but as soon as I give myself the time and space, I can feel strong shields go up. Part of it is protection from my alcoholic parents, so I am learning how to make a safe space for myself, because I cannot rely on them to do it for me. I am an artist and expression is a HUGE part of my life, but the deep, important shadow work requires a vulnerability that is hard to reach by myself.

One thing that IS helping me, in a day-by-day rate, is helping Senior Citizens. I stumbled upon an opportunity to help out, and many Senior Citizens, the Baby Boomers, are alone, isolated and very much in want of connection also. They are SO happy to share, to connect with a younger person, I am finding it is helping me also. Maybe you can do something similar, and find a place nearby your house to go and center yourself before you come home.  I found a cool hidden nook under a a tree that is good with a blanket and thermus. :) 

Maybe this helps, I also found that many many many people are at huge depressions right now- I have never seen so many at once. If you are sensitive, you could also be picking up on the global fear and sense of hopelessness.

 

 

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Um, just to add- as another kid of alcoholics, have you looked into the Psychology of your position? We have a tendency to feel neglected, that we aren't accepted or approved of unless we take HUGE responsibilities, and also can mimic our parents ways of distraction.  Kids of alcoholics and Narcissists tend to feel ignored and unimportant, and that nothing they can do is good enough. They have a stronger desire to "feel and BE good" because of early lack of acknowledgement that we are enough, as is.  

Three names to also consider:

1. HENRY ROLLINS. He is not spiritual, but his writings, actions and personality are one of a kind, and he was a bullied, ignored kid of an alcoholic who learned how to use his rage to make a large effect on this world. He is sober, has traveled the world, is a tattooed singer/actor/writer/speaker/comedian. He got me through my darkest times, and if you have to look at ONE other person, look at him. I will attach a file that I think might help. I would watch everything I could get my hands on if I were you- he has saved the lives of many young men, and knows the rage. 

2. Anthony Robbins. Also a child of Alcoholics who felt helpless at different points in his life, got sober and used the power of connection to drive him to the enormous place he is today.

3. Marisa Peer. She has been working behind the scenes for years, and has recently made her face pretty public. Her whole work is based around the concept of "I am Enough"- which is a hard thing for children of alcoholics. 

You can also make stuff and destroy it, that can be an incredible thing to get one to break through. 

 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember a Teal interview where she says that the most important thing we can all do right now is to reconnect with our true feelings, and let those feelings be our most trusted guide in life.  I have noted how difficult it is for me to do that even when I am determined to do so.  We are so conditioned to repress our feelings with made up stories of how we are "supposed" to feel instead.

 

11 hours ago, lesteinhoff said:

so now what? i don't know what i want, i literally have zero sense of identity or purpose, the very smallest amount of motivation, and feelings of sadness and hatred and emptiness everywhere i turn. no guidance, internal or external. i don't want to keep living this way. i see other people and i want to enjoy being alive like them. but it's like i am of an alien species who doesn't understand and who just doesn't fit. and who is sickeningly alone. 

Please consider that you do have guidance (your feelings) but you have not been trained to access that guidance.  Teal suggests getting in touch with your true feelings by pretending that you really are an alien just landed one earth.  Re-experience everything with the intention of noting whether you like it or don't.  Learn to allow yourself to truly feel and then follow your feelings as your compass in life.  Even if just small steps in the beginning, keep going for the things that you like.  I hope that path will lead you to what makes you happy in life.

 

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All I can say is yep yep yep yep, a month ago I was there, everyday was torture, I worked beyond the bone for my family, but it was never enough, at one stage I was googling how to get rid of the love chemical in my brain, so I didn't care about being hurt anymore, now a month ago I decided enough was enough I took on my parents head on and said if you don't stop the mental abuse I am going to call the police, they called me horrible names I won't write and I did it, the police came and talked to my parents, they came back to me and my dad and sweet talked them, the police said are you expecting a perfect lala world?! I said I can always try, they said there is nothing I can do, I said if I have to go back up there suicide is my anwser, so they took me to the suicide ward next to where my parents had admitted me four years ago when I had finally achived happy and they had to take it away from me, so I got in the police car and as they drove off my dad was staring at me, but I felt a sense of Peace like I finally took a step in the right direction, my ex boyfriend called me and I told him what happened, he knows what they do to me and was infuriated, so I was in to suicide ward for 36 hours and my ex boyfriend calls me again, he's come down 400 kilometres to see me, and he asks me, Shell do you want to come up and live in bairnsdale with me? Yes! I was relieved! My mum comes in an hour after my now boyfriend leaves to get ready, and she says, Michelle it's not the right thing to do, you need to stay here and get help, I said no I know what I need and I will get better if I go, she got the doctors and I had face off battle  which is sooo hard, but I won, my mum looked disappointed but I felt OK, we had to stop by my parents place to pick up stuff, I said goodbye to dad but he just shook his head in dissapointment I walked away,   I was driven off into a new life and I'm slowly regaining my feelings but I will say this, standing up to your enemies is hard, bit standing up to your loved ones is the hardest.

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest amy f

Ah I know how you feel. If you'd like to connect with me you can msg me. I understand. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now