Jerry Tyfting

Help in shifting negative thought pattern loop

7 posts in this topic

Here is the pattern:

I feel unable to connect with another human being and since I cant push or force anyone's free will to connect with me I might as well not even ask.
Even if I asked for someone to connect with it would feel unsatisfying, it would give me a sense of they don't know how to connect and they don't even want to because of their choice not to connect with themselves.


This pattern have been reinforced with experiences that proves it right to me...I have a challenging time proving something more positive.
Any thoughts to convince me of a more positive pattern are welcome.

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Neediness repels. It creates the opposite of comfort and attraction. 

Humans don't form these connections out of neediness. Yes it is true we have an inherent desire or magnetic pull to connect, but it is not the same as that energy of neediness. Needing someone else to fulfill us to make us feel good will emit an energy that will push others away and they won't want to connect with you because it feels like a drag.

We connect for the joy of being and sharing. When you learn to stop using others to fulfill you but instead come at it from a space of giving, offering, sharing and enjoying the other person just being who they are WITHOUT them needing to respond to you in another way, THEN your results will flourish and connections will come naturally. 

You seem pretty convinced with your predicament so I doubt anyone is going to be able to convince you otherwise. Instead you will need to accept where you are and choose to improve. For a person like you I recommend you start taking more action than sitting and dwelling. Talk to more people, exercise and move your body more to get energy moving.

Here is the key you should focus on during your interactions: Ask yourself, "What can I offer to this person?" most of the time it may just be the effort to calm yourself and listen to them. Give them your presence. Focus on offering value without expectation of anything in return.  When you change your mind to focus on offering and practice and take action to interact with more people, then you will, after time get results. You will relax more and the sense of someone to need to fill you will lessen. Right now you fear losing, and fear rejection from connections but that fear will start to go away with action and practice. You can only fear if you have something to take and therefore something to lose. Learn to give and you can never lose. Then you'll start to feel real connections. 

Edited by boxofrain
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8 minutes ago, boxofrain said:

Ask yourself, "What can I offer to this person?" most of the time it may just be the effort to calm yourself and listen to them. Give them your presence. Focus on offering value without expectation of anything in return.  When you change your mind to focus on offering and practice and take action to interact with more people, then you will, after time get results

Thank you for responding.

I want to improve. I practiced doing this in the TT forum, the more I practiced the same pattern came up, that they could not be present with me as I was with them.
It felt more of a service I gave them almost every interaction I had with almost everyone.

For once I want to feel someone giving me that kind of service. True that they did help me when I felt low but when I came back into a higher vibe (which happened most of the time) I perceived that they did not follow.
As if they stayed at their blocks and barriers. Well it is how I experienced it, I actually don't know what really happened but that is the sensations I got...a sense that I could not reach them no matter how present I where.

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17 minutes ago, Jerry Tyfting said:

I want to improve. I practiced doing this in the TT forum, the more I practiced the same pattern came up, that they could not be present with me as I was with them.

If you explored and were honest with yourself, you would see that this isn't true giving. You're going in with the expectancy of a contract. 'I play this role for you, and in return I expect you to play a role back'. If they have not met the expectations that they were not aware of, you feel either rejected or you judge them as unworthy of your connection. 

17 minutes ago, Jerry Tyfting said:

It felt more of a service I gave them almost every interaction I had with almost everyone.

There's a resentment in this statement. That I am giving, but they are not giving back. 
Is that really giving? 

Herein lies the paradox: When you are expecting something back, it wont' be given to you. When you stop wanting and genuinely drop those expectations, then you will find the things that you previously flowing to you completely naturally, almost magically. 

I don't mean to be so blunt, this is a dynamic that we all struggle with in ALL interactions; being able to give without expectation of receiving. Even as I post I know it's not 100% pure giving because I have ulterior motives, whether its to reinforce my own ideas or to be seen, etc. To degree to which we have ulterior motives is the degree to which the effectiveness in what we're trying to do is stifled.

By honest with yourself and see whether your motives for interacting with people are as you perceive them to be. 

Edited by boxofrain
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4 minutes ago, boxofrain said:

I don't mean to be so blunt

I prefer bluntness over a dancing around what you want to say. I get a feeling that deep down you love being blunt. :) just a guess.
 

 

7 minutes ago, boxofrain said:

Even as I post I know it's not 100% pure giving because I have ulterior motives, whether its to reinforce my own ideas or to be seen, etc. To degree to which we have ulterior motives is the degree to which the effectiveness in what we're trying to do is stifled

Its ok. We all have a mixed bag of wants, needs and intentions for everything we do. You can be aware of those intentions as much as possible and choose how you want to be with the other...something I have learned the hard way. That most of the time I want my needs for connection to be met, something I have a challenging time with either it be irl or online.

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15 minutes ago, Jerry Tyfting said:

I prefer bluntness over a dancing around what you want to say. I get a feeling that deep down you love being blunt. :) just a guess.

Hehe. Sometimes. Most of the time however, gentleness forges the way. 

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