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Yea I want to be understood but also express how my life have been, is now and where I want to be.

Growing up with parents who had very traumatic childhoods themselves I was unloved on a very deep level. No connection with their hearts...they had no interest in such a "getting closer" practice. They have been to a few psychiatrists but they did not continue that road for long.

They had chosen to distract, avoid and distancing themselves from almost anything uncomfortable. I was treated with mean behavior, neglect, literally and physically felt starved for food and physical touch many more times than I want to remember. Even the touch they did give me, so many times it felt more boundary braking but as children they "must" have physical touch to be "healthy".

So that felt boundary was neglected and I felt abused...a lot. Even if they consciously did not mean to they could not help it since they themselves where still carrying their own traumas.
My mother brushed my teeth (every night) and showered me (once a week) either I wanted to or not until I was about 15 years old. It freaking feelingly hurt at times when she brushed my teeth and I would back off but sometimes when I did that she held the back of my head to keep me still.

My brother got the same treatment but he expressed himself a lot more and at the spot. While she brushed his teeth he shouted loudly almost every night ouch! it hurts!
I then could hear her say: ok Jerry your turn.
I did not scream but I did still feel that pain my brother shouted about. He shouted during the showering too and I felt why he did as feelingly hurt very badly but I kept silent. At the same time it was the only life I knew of and nobody seemed to want to get involved with our lives that closely.
Why did she do this? She wanted to be a good mom. She did not want to be blamed for being a bad mom by others through her kids so she wanted to present "healthy, clean and whole" children to the world.

I had no true say in the house about this. I even refused mom once when she called me to be teeth brushed, she almost started to cry and told my dad to tell me. He had this very stern voice and energy behind it saying: you go to your mom or else...
The exact words I don't remember but that was the energy I felt, a threat. I believe now that if I had refused him he would have physically forced me in to my mom to let her brush my teeth. Dad almost only lived to provide for my mother first and second came me and my brother. So when it looked like we had made mom cry he told us to avoid doing that to her.

My brother was very mean at times. He was born physically strong and so could easily hurt me without him knowing he had used barely any strength at all. Emotionally though I was born freakishly strong in that department and he was very sensitive so it balanced out weirdly enough but most of the time he did manage to hurt me physically unawaringly.

Them 3 never cared for any closer or deeper connection but I did...I always wanted to reach them. So I tried reaching out to them even though I think I never have fully reached their hearts. Because of this uninterest in connecting with me it did not matter how much I tried...they simply had no interest in practicing it.

I wanted to run away at the early teen years but realized that living out on the country everyone knew everyone and I could not make myself understood at the time of how I felt. Anyone I would ran off to would most likely have called my parents. I knew this then and chose to stay because I felt that I had nowhere to go...nowhere that I would feel understood or helped.
Even when I managed to call their things out I got the "too young and inexperienced" speech. Or "wait until you get your own kids". This went on for years. Even some therapists during my teen years told me something similar in line of "too young". Heh a teen "out psyching" the health practitioner, well of course they did not like that.

They never "traditionally" abused me though so. No hitting, no direct tangent or obvious things. This have made it near impossible to share these things with understanding of my pain because "abuse" are things like: rape, hitting and other famous known abuses that can be stopped by outsiders such as police unlike silent slowly everyday felt pain is ignored.

Now I'm 28 years old and I practice to reach out there to others. I have no physical friends in my day to day life. My parents barely if not at all calls to even check I'm alive. No one to really call who would understand this kind of pain. I have so many needs and wants that can only be met by others such as physical touch, company, and connection. A wanting for someone who wants to be me close and who wants to be themselves close. I cannot force an interest in me so the best I can do is to shout out to the world like this and say: HERE IAM. PLEASE HELP ME MEET MY WANTS AND NEEDS.

I want nurturing, love, connection, support and healing with another. When I have secured all of those things I can finally start focusing on other projects, I already have two big ones in mind but feel unable to pursue those because of my physical needs for connection. There is a Teal group gathering though that have started relatively near me. I have already been to its first meeting. I felt though that they where too "avoidy" for me to feel fully safe there. It is still better than what I have been through/going through currently and I don't plan to travel to all the worlds Teal gatherings because that would brake my finances. 

I don't know where I'm headed but taking my life feels unwanted...I would regret it. There is still something I can and want to do here. So yea this is only a short version of my life. Thanks for reading.

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Thank you for sharing Jerry. I see you. A thing is needed until it is not needed, be where you are, it's always darkest before the dawn. You're not alone, trust that you can ask the universe for help, let go and let real Love in, not shallow self gratifying love.

Respect and Love my friend - Damian

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